Okay guys, this is it. I want to thank everybody who read the story and an extra special thanks to everybody who fed me back. I really appreciate it and I'm wicked happy you enjoyed the story. I also want to thank a few individual people for helping me get this story written:

Thank you, Kelly, for the original arm twisting five years ago and for being so enthused about the story. I should have known better when it comes to you.

Thank you, Monica, for always being interested and willing to read the early drafts.  Your support and friendship are greatly appreciated. Way more than the usual to you at all times.

Thank you, Sal, for the editing, friendship, and encouragement.  You always take the time and I'm more than forever grateful. Fingers crossed, buddy!

There are two people who went way above and beyond when it came to this story. They were with me every step of the way and they had to put up with me bitching, whining, and fighting for a year and a half, cruise break notwithstanding. They were both nothing but supportive and encouraging, always willing to listen, offer opinions, help me make decisions, and generally pump me up whenever I needed it. And I needed it a lot.

I couldn't have asked for better help, and the fact that they both still seem to like me now that the story is finally finished, well, there really are miracles in the world. Or maybe saints. Or maybe really good friends. I just know something saintly and good is going on with those two, okay?

Anyway, the biggest thank you I can think of goes to ABC and Gina, the Mighty Oral herself. You guys are amazing and I feel nothing but lucky to have you both in my life.

And a final thank you to my two favorite Slayers:

I couldn't have done it without you, Fuffy.

- Bobbi Manuel

Song Fic

Chapter One

Angels Would Fall

Yeah, so it's another day of the same old, same old. I can't do a thing but smile and nod, and act like everything's fine. And I guess for the most part, everything is fine. It's all systems go, flyin’ high and livin’ right. These are the good times for sure.

Sunnydale's in the rearview mirror and the First is the Last, or at least it’s way back in the middle of the pack with all the other losers and wannabes. The Slayer kicked its ass but good, and sure she had plenty of help, but nobody's kidding anybody that it wasn't Buffy who was standing tall and strong when the dust settled. Okay, as tall as she could for a midget.

I laugh 'cause I crack myself up, and she smiles at me thinking I'm even remotely listening to what she's saying to Willow and Giles. It's not that I never pay attention to her, man, that's like all I do, but whenever I can I just tune out and stare at her without anybody knowing that's what I'm doing. It's my hobby, my past time, and I handle it like a pro 'cause I'm an expert at it.

Things could be a lot worse, not even gonna pretend they couldn't be, but they're still pretty shitty when it all comes down to brass tacks. I make the best of it though because that's what I do now. I don't get bitter, I don't get violent, I don't go crazy with the pain. I don't try to kill whoever she loves and I don't bust her boyfriend's hand when I have to shake it. I don't poison the beer I get for him while he's holding her close, and I barely even flinch when she sighs and leans her head on his shoulder like everything's all hearts and flowers.

When we go out, I just sit there and sip my drink while she dances with him. I smile when she sets me up with some guy, and I go out with them every time because it makes her happy. Sometimes I even go back to their place and screw their brains out if I'm in that kinda mood. Then I shower and take off while they're still sleeping the sleep of the expertly fucked, and I couldn't pick one of them out of a line-up if you paid me…not even while I'm doing them.

I always head back to mine bright and early, which is right next to hers in our cozy renovated hotel suites, and I just let her guy go past me wearing his happy, satisfied smile, his shirt buttoned up wrong like a love struck four year old. I don't slam his head into a pasty smear on the wall like I wanna, I don't snap his spine and toss him down the stairs when I catch them kissing goodbye at her door. I just keep my face looking friendly and she always looks at me after, all happy when she sees I'm just getting in.

He leaves for work and she comes over to me, excited and wondering if maybe this time it's the one. Yeah, it's definitely the one alright…standing just inches from me all blonde and clean from her shower, flushed with happiness and hope and looking like life is finally good for her. Her hair's always wet and tangled, and as she leads me to my room so we can do the "girlfriends" talk, I want to run my fingers through it to straighten it out for her. Or maybe let my hands get trapped so I can yank her closer to me and hold her there for the rest of my life.

The energy she puts out kinda snowballs and I usually get pretty jazzed myself, I can't help it. She's so happy for me, so hoping for something good to come my way, and as pathetic as it is, having all of her attention focused on me just gets me going. We sprawl on my bed while we talk, and I milk it. I lie my ass off to keep her excited for as long as I can, then let her down easy while I make us breakfast and admit it was just another guy to me.

She nods looking a little sad, but she's Buffy and she always perks right back up saying next time will definitely be the one.

"Yeah, next time for sure, B."

I never confess that most times I just ditch my date ten minutes into it so I can go slaying, and I don't tell her that when it's a really bad night, I skip the slaying and find a dark bar to drink in while I pass the time. She doesn't need to hear any of that, so I lie and that happy look stays on her face a lot longer than the truth would ever let it.

My feelings for her always threaten to blow my heart apart when she leaves, and I let them burn and ache and shred while I smile and watch her walk away from me again and again. She doesn't see it, it never crosses her mind that there could be something else between us, and nothing I can ever say or do will ever change that. I guess that's not exactly true, I mean I could definitely say or do something to wise her up, but it wouldn't get me what I want and need from her. It'd just mean I could kiss our friendship goodbye.

Buffy's just not into girls, so all there is for me is to be her friend, a shoulder she can lean on, an ear she can bend, and somebody who will always support her whenever she needs it. Of course I also tell her when she's outta line too, and I don't let her run over me. I stand up to her when I need to or when she needs me to, and she usually takes it pretty good.

Even when she's pissed off at me, she treats me with respect. We argue about stuff all the time, but Buffy will admit when she's wrong and she'll also admit when I'm right, and what usually happens is we sort of end up mixing our ideas together when it comes to Slayer business. The personal stuff gets hammered out without either of us taking permanent offense, although we can get a little rough with each other sometimes. I admit I make that happen a lot more than it really needs to.

It's just that I like when all of her fire and passion is directed at me. Her chest starts heaving, her eyes get so green when she's pissed, and I love the way her lips move as she lets me have it. Her skin glows and her muscles flex, and the only way to describe it is to say that she looks like one hundred percent Buffy. It's a beautiful sight to see, and I need that from her sometimes, no matter what I gotta do to get it.

It never goes anywhere too shitty because we're friends now and we both value that like nothing else. We worked hard for it, me probably more at first just getting her to give me another chance, but she did her share of the down and dirty too. As soon as it was clear that I was on the level, she started working at it. She had to learn how to open up again and move on, and not just with me either.

Buffy had closed herself off and from what I'd seen, I didn't exactly blame her. But no way could she keep living like that…not if she was gonna be happy. All kindsa crap had gone down in Sunny D, the kinda stuff that can fuck people up forever, but once they all got away from there, every one of’em stopped acting so crazy. Giles figured out that the First was kinda usin’ the Hellmouth to jerk off with, and after a buncha "talking shit through", things settled down and went back to normal.

Of course "normal" for the Scoobies meant something way different when it came to my sitch. B and me didn't have years of love and trust to lean on, and Buffy still had trouble with me, go figure. She asked me flat-out to give her some time, saying she needed the chance to get used to me, to figure out how to trust me again, and I could understand that.

I'd fucked up with her so bad before, it more than made sense that she needed to see a shitload of proof that I wasn't a maniac anymore. We had to learn how to be friends all over again, and there was no magic shortcut that could make that happen overnight.

I told her I didn't really even know how to be a friend before, and she admitted she could have done a lot better with me the first time around. We called it water under the bridge and moved on, each of us trying our best to make it to the other side. It was bumpy at first, rocky as hell in some places, but B was as good as her word. She fought it out with me and herself, and when she was ready, I made the most of my chance.

We're good friends now, and like good friends do, she worries about me. She thinks I'm lonely and she's right, so she keeps trying to find me "Mr. Right" and she's wrong. I'm her favorite charity project and she tells me all the time not to worry, that the person that's just right for me is out there and she's not gonna give up until we find him. It makes me wanna kill her.

But I don't, of course. I just smile and nod and thank her for her fucked up concern, then do my best to look nothing but hopeful that she can pull it off. There's nothing else I can do, I'm in way too deep.

Sure, sometimes I'll swear to myself that I'm gonna leave her and never look back. We'll have a fight or I'll just get sick of watching her latest guy paw all over her, and I'll promise myself that come the next morning or Monday or the first day of the month, I'm scrambling clear. I've had enough and I'm gonna go start livin’ a brand new life, damn straight I am.

But the best I can ever manage is to haul it for a few days, just tear off down the road to fuck knows where and hit some dives. I dance, drink, and make sure to get into as many fights as I can, then I head right back to her with my anger and sadness better under control. I know without a doubt that I'm trapped forever, that the same shit's gonna come to a head again somewhere down the line, but whatever.

I stopped kidding myself about that a long time ago, I just can't rock the delusional like I used to, and ever since I made it back onto the right track I try to be as straight up with me as I can be. I don't skimp on the truth; there's no sense in lying to me. I'm all I got, and denying how I feel, pretending I don't want what I want, running a con on myself… well, all of that shit just leads me to everything I never wanna be again.

It's important to at least let myself know the real deal because I don't talk to anybody else about how I feel, no matter how much I'd like to sometimes. These people I've thrown my hat in with are good people, but that's all they are. There's not a saint in the bunch, they're as human as you can get.

They slip up, make mistakes, try to help when they shouldn't, all the shit that in the old days I saw as them trying to hurt me. I know now that's not true, in fact it's the opposite of that. They all care about me in different ways and they always wanna help out whenever they can. That's great, but it's dangerous too. It makes me keep my guard up, makes me stay tougher than I really want to because I can't afford even a tiny slip-up.

For example: if I broke and let Red in on how I feel about Buffy, B would know in ten seconds flat. No way could Willow keep something like that to herself, even though she'd swear up and down that she would. And I know she'd feel like shit afterwards for spilling the beans, but she just wouldn't be able to stop herself. It's too big, too juicy, and how the hell could I expect her to keep something like that from her best friend anyway?

There's way too much involved to keep it under wraps. You got the general gossip angle which all by itself is pretty damn exciting, then when you toss in that it's gossip about me…Fuck, I can just hear it now:

"Faith is in love! That's exactly what I said! Faith is in love!"

Then you still gotta factor in that they're gettin’ personal info about me which there's not a lot of, plus the added bonus of learning that I'm a girl who swings both ways. Then for the grand finale, it's the wicked clincher: I'm hot for Buffy Anne Summers.

Oh yeah, that's way too much to expect anybody to keep to themselves. Hell, fact is when I put it that way, can barely not blab it all over the place myself. And bringing Buffy into it? I can just see it now: heads exploding, rolling, spinning, and generally losing their shit…mine included.

So no way can I tell anybody anything, no matter how much I want to sometimes and no matter how much they'd wanna help me out. Some secrets just have to be kept and lived with. That's the way of the world or at least that's the way of mine, and there's no sense bitching about it or going crazy again. Buffy's not mine and she's never going to be. End of.

So I waltz around and watch her fuck everybody else, smile and try to keep the murder off my face. I nod at her latest boy toy, I let her touch me friend to friend, and I never slam her hard against the wall and fuck her until she can't walk. Sure, I get mad and moody sometimes, even though I try not to. I drink now more than I ever have, slay longer and harder than I used to even in the old days, all because it makes the nights pass a little faster. I go someplace way down inside me when it cuts too deep, when that rough blade starts digging and gouging and actually touching me.

I try my best not to let it slice me to ribbons because it's always right there, she's always right there. With her golden hair, her sunshine smile, and her sexy as hell body that's all scrawn and power, decked out in the best "Buffy" clothes that any woman's ever worn. The most beautiful eyes ever made sometimes light up when they look at me, and she suddenly seems younger and like the person she should be if the weight of the world wasn't always pressing down on her.

I keep my distance when I can, but I'm like the dumb moth to the flame. Every time I know she's alone at night I head to her, doing whatever I can to disguise it as a "friend" thing while I get my fix and keep my secret. I sprawl on her bed with her, watching TV while I drift and swirl deeper into her spell. Because Buffy? She's always right there, so close I could reach out and love her if she'd let me.

But Buffy won't let me, she's not even aware of what's going on. She doesn't see how my hand shakes a little whenever she gives me the remote, doesn't notice how happy I get every time I make her laugh, doesn't understand how much I believe in God whenever she's wearing just a t-shirt and panties. She's got no clue how hard I fight to stop my eyes from raking all over her body and burning her to a crisp as they travel, she just "Buffys" along all Buffy-like while I sit and want and want and want and do my best to hold on.

Every day it seems to get a little tougher, to cut a little deeper, but there's nothing I can do about any of it. I can't leave her, I won't leave her, and so I play the game I need to and love her in secret. It hurts and it's rough, but it's what I've got and I take it.

Yep…brass tack, right up the ass. Welcome to my world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angels Would Fall by Melissa Etheridge

The rope that’s wrapped around me

Is cutting through my skin

And the doubts that have surrounded me

Are finding their way in

I keep it close to me

Like a holy man prays

In my desperate hour

It’s better, better that way

So I’ll come by and see you again

I’ll be such a very good friend

Have mercy on my soul

I will never let you know

Where my mind has been

Angels never came down

There’s no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew

If they knew you at all

Then one by one the angels

Angels would fall

I’ve crept into your temple

I have slept upon your pew

I have dreamed of the divinity

Inside and out of you

I want it more than truth

I can taste it on my breath

I would give my life just for a little, a little death

So I’ll come by and see you again

I’ll be just a very good friend

I will not look upon your face

I will not touch upon your grace

Your ecclesiastic skin

Angels never came down

There’s no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew

If they knew you at all

Then one by one the angels

Angels would fall

Angels

Angels would fall

Sweet angels

I’ll come by and see you again

And I’ll have to be a very good friend

If I whisper they will know

I’ll just turn around and go

You will never know my sin

Angels never came down

There’s no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew

If they knew you at all

Then one by one the angels

Angels would fall

There’s no one here they wanna hang around

But if they knew,

If they knew you at all

Then one by one the angels

Angels would fall

Oh angels, angels would fall

Angels would fall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chinese Boxes

Okay, this has so not been a good week. First Greg left me…Well, technically I left him first which is why he ended up leaving me, and then Faith did one of her disappearing acts. Maybe they ran off together, which is not my funniest joke ever because just the thought of it makes me want to kill her. And besides I know she'd never do that to me, she's not like that anymore, plus she hates Greg with a fiery passion. Even though she always tried to hide it, I could tell.

How do I put this? She always looked like she wanted to slam his head repeatedly into the nearest wall whenever she saw him, and he never once picked up on that. I don't think he thought they were pals or anything, but he definitely didn't think he was in mortal danger whenever she was around. He'd smile, she'd smile, and I'd wince and hope for the best.

I asked her once if she thought there was something wrong with him, but she actually looked surprised at the question.

"No, he seems…okay. Why? You think he's a demon or somethin'?"

I saw the way her eyes lit up with hope, and besides, it's not like I don't know when Faith doesn't like somebody.

Anyway, Greg was a nice guy, but it got all kinds of "blah", just like it always does for me at some point. He was pretty good in bed, I'm definitely going to miss that, and he was big and muscley and comfy to lean into. He made me feel tiny and girly whenever I needed to, although it gets harder to pretend about that the older I get. When you can beat every man in the world into a bloody pulp, it's not exactly easy to look to them for physical protection…and why I still want that feeling, I don't know. I guess it would just be nice sometimes not to feel like the strongest person on the planet, like I'm the one everyone else always has to lean on.

The point is we're over now, and he took it really hard and I hate that. I didn't want to hurt him, I never want to hurt anybody, but somehow it seems like they're all way more into me than I am into them. I try to hang in there, but I'm never totally satisfied with anyone. Faith calls me a ballbuster, well she did once and then I wouldn't speak to her for over a week, so that put a stop to that. I know she still thinks it, but at least I don't have to hear it anymore.

She should talk anyway. She blows through guys like they're Kleenex, then tosses them into the trashcan of discarded…Why do I even bother with the analogies or the metaphors or the whatever they're called? What I'm saying is that she has no room at all to talk about me, and I'd tell her that if she was anywhere around.

I hate when she does this, and it seems like she's been doing it a lot more often lately. She just takes off to God knows who and where without a word to anybody. Nobody hears from her until she just shows up again, acting like it's perfectly normal behavior for her to just come and go as she pleases. Then we have to get through this big awkward phase for two or three days before we can get comfortable with each other again.

The one time I seriously tried to talk to her about it, we had a big fight. She started right off being weird and defensive about everything I said, and before I knew it we were arguing about stuff that had nothing to do with anything. I was so mad by the end of the fight I almost hit her, despite the fact that we promised not to do that anymore. That was my bad for sure, but I swear she was doing everything she could to egg me on.

I just don't get her sometimes. I mean, I know her, I know her better than anyone else knows her, and yet sometimes I don't have a clue. She's usually crystal clear to me, yet there are all of these things she never lets me see. There are so many layers to her and no matter how deep I go, there's always something else underneath. She's an open book in some ways, and yet in other ways I don't feel like I know her at all.

But I trust her, that's never in doubt…which if I think about that objectively it really makes the kind of sense that makes none at all. How can I trust someone with her past who still keeps important things from me? But it's different somehow, she's different somehow. I know the stuff she keeps to herself is just "Faith" stuff, not "Crazy, Evil, Don't Trust Her" stuff. She's changed in every way that matters, and it'd be nothing but unfair to act like I don't understand the difference between secrets and private stuff.

It's hard to explain, but the simple version is: Faith has layers. I wish I knew them all, but I don't. However, the ones I do know? They're more than enough for me to trust her, respect her, care about her, and consider her my friend. That doesn't mean I don't want to know more, but it does mean that I've got enough to work with, which is way more than I ever thought I'd have from her.

The person she used to be is gone, replaced by a calmer, less likely to fly off the handle one, and I welcome that change. She doesn't think everything I say or do is somehow a personal attack on her, and she doesn't respond to my every move with a barely under control fury. She's finally let me see the real her and I like her…a lot.

Faith is nothing but likable when she wants to be, and it turns out that just being herself is more than enough for her to win everybody over. Oh sure, she can still be difficult and she still has a temper and can act without thinking things through, but she's also kind and considerate, and she's done everything she could to make amends with everyone.

Yep, Faith is completely serious about fighting for redemption and she gives Angel all of the credit for her transformation. I've never heard her say one thing about him that wasn't glowing, and to my big surprise, it was the same when she spoke about me behind my back. It wasn't long after my return home from Italy that I started getting a certain vibe from the Potentials, and yes, I know I need to stop calling them that.

They're Slayers now, and some of them were right there at the end of Sunnydale, living and dying and doing their duty even though it kind of got pushed on them. They're all like family to me now, even though Kennedy's still like some distant cousin I have to put up with every Christmas and Thanksgiving. Except in her case it's almost every day.

Anyway, the vibe. I'd be teaching a class some new technique or I'd be out on a newbie patrol doing some tricky move, and the girls I was with would always reference it back to something else…something else that had happened way before any of them had even shown up. They'd tell the story of my life back to me and I always sounded crazy heroic, even when I didn't quite remember it that way. I couldn't figure it out, and when I asked they all just smiled and moved on.

At first I thought maybe Xander had been telling Andrew stuff and as usual he'd "Andrewized" it, but no, that wasn't what was happening at all. What was happening was that Faith, the Potentials' best buddy and mentor, had been explaining to them in great detail that I was nothing short of a hero. A heroic hero. A heroic hero who did heroic hero things heroically. By the time I got home from Italy, I think most of them just assumed I'd walked across the ocean to return.

She told them about herself too, although her history isn't quite the same as mine. She didn't spare herself at all, and while I admire her honesty, I wish that she would learn to give herself a break sometimes. I mean, there are plenty of stories we could all tell about ourselves where we come off in a way less than flattering light, myself so totally included. None of us are all that keen on sharing those stories, but if we have to, we at least try to pretty them up as much as possible…but not Faith.

She tells them everything, all of the horrible things she did, and she answers every question they ask her without trying to hide anything. Faith makes no excuses, she faces up to it all.

"Not gonna bullshit, B. Did what I did, but that's not me anymore. Never gonna be neither."

She's right – it's not, and I know that. Faith is amazing and I have nothing but respect for what she's done. I never doubt her, I believe in her completely and without reservation. She's become dear to me, and the affection I've always felt for her is now all right out in the open. As a result, her defenses have fallen, well, a lot of them anyway, and I know for the most part she trusts me with herself.

I've learned how to get her to let me in if she's resisting, and I've learned not to push her to tell me things if I don't have to. She deserves her privacy just like anyone else, so I only go after her when she needs me to. I can tell what's important now and I pick my spots.

We still argue like crazy, but it isn't scary anymore. The sparks still fly fast and furious between us, but there are no more life altering explosions that try to kill us and everyone else in the vicinity. We've learned not to let anything go for too long, we like each other's company way too much for that anyway. When one of us gets snitty…and yes, okay, it's usually me who's the "Snitty Slayer"…we'll tease each other out of it if it's not too serious, apologize if we're the one in the wrong, or we'll just tell whoever it is to knock it off. They call it "maturity", I highly recommend it.

Everything's all good now except she isn't here, Greg is gone, Will and Xander are out on assignment, and Dawnie's on vacation with some of her college friends. My last hope is Giles, but he's being all Watchery and cross-referencing or something that I want no part of, which means it's just me all by my lonesome. That's normally nothing but a good thing since I usually never get enough "alone time", but then this isn't exactly a normal time no matter how I look at it. I suppose I could go do something normal like slaying, but it seems like such a huge effort to get dressed and go out. Besides, it's never any fun without Faith.

I guess I'm more depressed than I thought I was, which would explain why I'm already in my favorite pajamas for the night and planning to eat an entire pint of Rocky Road ice cream…for starters. I was also going to watch TV, but I don't feel like flipping through all the channels. I usually let somebody else do that, and I have to say that Faith does it the very best. She pauses long enough to let me get a look, then goes on to the next channel in a perfect rhythm. She always stops on the chick flicks without me having to beg her, and she lets me watch for a minute before asking if she can keep going.

She hates those movies with a passion, but she'll let me watch if I really want to. Just knowing that the option's there without having to go through the big battle all of my boyfriends usually put me through, well it makes me happy enough that I let her off the hook. Besides, Faith always manages to find something we both like, and that's the kind of TLC I could use tonight.

I'm not going to get it though because Faith had to do her mysterious disappearing act again. I wish she'd just tell me what it's all about, but no, she's got to be all "Closed Off, Angry Girl" about it. It's weird because she's never that defensive anymore about anything, at least not with me. But talk about a hot button. I might as well spit on the Celtics and say I hope the Yankees mop them at Fenway Garden.

It's like that time I walked in on her and Satsu fighting in the training room. Not training, not sparring, but fighting all out with no holds barred. One side of Satsu's face looked like raw hamburger and Faith looked psychotic. I couldn't believe what I was looking at.

"Hey, what's going on here?"

"What the fuck's it look like?"

She never even glanced at me as she continued to tenderize Satsu's cheek. The blood sprayed out and Satsu said something low under her breath in Japanese.

"Stop it, both of you!"

I stepped fully into the room, ready to get between them when Faith turned to look at me:

"Mind your own fucking business for once and…"

Satsu took that moment to kick Faith in the back and send her smashing hard into the horse thing. She toppled over with it and I knew what was coming. I hurried over to Satsu, desperate to save her life.

"Get out of here!"

"I'm not scared of her, Buffy. If she wants to…"

While Satsu was busy trying to impress me with her bravery, Faith stood and picked up the horse. She held it above her head for a second, then hurled it into the wall. It smashed into chunks of wood and bits of plastic, and when her eyes lasered in on Satsu, even I wanted to take a step or ten back.

"Fine, fucker, ya wanna play? Let's fuckin' play."

I shoved a suddenly terrified Satsu out the door to the safety of the hallway, and shut it quickly behind her. Faith didn't care, she went after her or would have if I hadn't been standing in her way.

"Move, Buffy!"

"No, just calm down."

"'Calm down'? Calm down?! You see what that little bitch just did?"

I had my hands on her forearms and I was trying to get her to look at me.

"Yes, but I want you to calm down anyway."

"Soon as I bust her fucking neck I'll calm down."

I shifted with her as she tried to go around me, my hands still holding onto her.

"Faith, please. Besides, if she's as smart as I think she is, she's already long gone."

"I'll find her, don't worry about that."

"Just calm down."

She was still mad, but as my hands rubbed slowly up and down her arms, I could see she was regaining control of her temper. She blew out a loud breath and her eyes finally met mine.

"Can let go now, B."

I did and she stomped across the room to grab a towel.

"So what was that all about? I thought you guys liked each other."

"Yeah, well she said somethin' she shouldn't have."

I waited, but when it became obvious that she wasn't going to tell me, I asked.

"So what did she say?"

"What's it matter?"

"It matters because there's Slayer blood on the floor and you were going to kill her."

Faith threw her towel down and rolled her eyes at me.

"Wasn't gonna kill her 'til she cheap shotted me."

"And the blood?"

"Look B, she'll heal and maybe next time she'll think before she runs her mouth about you."

"Me?"

Faith was clearly at the end of her sharing time, but I definitely wanted some answers, especially now that I knew they involved me. She busied herself with wiping the blood up by sliding the towel around with her foot, then kicking it into the trashcan when the floor was clean. She hung a fresh towel around her neck and picked up her keys.

"Faith…"

"Wanna know what she said? Go ask her."

I caught her arm as she tried to walk past me.

"I will, but first I'm asking you."

She shrugged me off.

"She's got the hots for you, alright? And I didn't wanna hear about it today."

"What? Satsu? Did she actually say that? In actual words?"

"Didn't need words, I can tell. She started up with her usual: 'Well, Buffy says' and 'Buffy wants' and 'Buffy always does it this way', so I told her to save it for when she's rubbin' one out in her room."

"Faith, that doesn't mean…She doesn't have the hots for me, she's just the best of the Poten…Slayers and she wants to…"

If I'd thought Faith was mad before, I'd underestimated her by about a thousand levels. She grabbed my upper arms hard enough to hurt and yanked me to her. Her face was about two inches from mine and I couldn't focus as she snarled out the craziest sentence ever:

"She wants to fuck you fifty ways from Sunday."

I didn't make a sound and she just stared into my eyes for a few seconds, then let go. She shook her head in disgust, at what I'm still not exactly sure, and turned towards the door. As she started walking away, she said two words so softly I almost didn't hear them.

"Fucking idiot."

For some reason I didn't think she meant me, but she was gone before I could ask.

She avoided me for two days, then Greg and I went away for a three day weekend. When I got back, everything had returned to normal. Satsu and Faith seemed friendly enough again, and Faith treated me just like she always did. Satsu blushed whenever we were in the same room, but that only lasted about a week until it was obvious I wasn't going to bring anything up. After all, what could I have said?

"Hey Satsu, is it true you want to fuck me fifty ways from Sunday? And why not the other six days?"

No, I couldn't say that, so I just ignored the whole thing, and before too long it was just like it was supposed to be at Slayer Central: The Cleveland Years. Problem buried, if not solved, and Faith had to be crazy anyway. Satsu still hasn't ever given me the slightest indication that she's interested in me in any way other than my Slayerness. I don't even think she's gay.

But that's so Faith, getting all worked up over something that only she thinks is true. She gets so furious over nothing sometimes and lately she's been more broody than usual. She's still nice to me, but it's like her mind is always on something else. I've tried to find out what's bothering her, but when Faith doesn't want to talk, she just doesn't talk. I'm the only person I know of in the world who can ever get her to bend when she doesn't want to, and she always makes me work for even the tiniest bit of progress. But whatever's bugging her now, well, she's not budging.

She's complicated, and most of the time I just have to take the scraps she gives me and try to figure out what they mean. I've gotten pretty good at it, most of my guesses are usually on the mark, but then some things just aren't possible to know because that's how Faith likes it. It makes her feel safer, I think.

She's told me a little bit about her childhood, where she grew up and what it was like. I can't believe some of the stuff she's shared with me, and I've never known anybody before who was abused as a child. I do my best to stay calm when she tells me about the beatings and neglect because I know she would be way too uncomfortable if I did otherwise.

So I stay in control until she leaves to head back to her own room, then I turn off my light and there in the dark I let myself cry for her. Because no matter how still she holds her body, no matter how blank she makes her face look, or how calm and even she keeps her voice when she tells me it's no big deal, I can see the pain and sadness in her eyes. She always looks so lost and alone, just like a little girl who doesn't know why, and I want so much to hold her and tell her that everything will be okay.

But Faith doesn't allow hugs, at least not when they're meant to comfort her. Oh, she holds me all the time when I need it, and I have never not felt better when I'm wrapped up tight in her arms. It makes me feel understood and it makes me feel safe, like someone will always be there to care. I want so much to give that feeling back to her, to make it nothing but clear that my friendship for her is forever, but she just won't let it happen. The few times I've tried to do what feels right, she's been out the door before I could even get my arms spread out all the way.

It's so frustrating being friends with her, but it's so easy too. She's always there and ready to listen, always pumping me up when I'm down, always making fun of me until I have to laugh at myself and my bad mood disappears. She's good to me, she gets me, and I love when she's around.

But Faith is a puzzle, maybe one that can never be solved, but that doesn't mean I won't keep trying. She's like a sunset or water moving…or maybe she's like a sunset on the moving water. I just know she shifts and changes, the light always hits her in a different way from minute to minute, and I'm either fighting to see through the glare or marveling at the beauty and peace she provides.

I also know that no matter what, I'll always be there for her just as much as she'll let me be. I'll keep trying to slip in some physical affection whenever I can get away with it; maybe when she's sleeping or drunk. "Stealth Hug" Buffy is ready and waiting for her every chance.

The window seat's calling me, not actually by name but as close as an inanimate object can get. I'll just sit here and stare out at the night as I eat more ice cream than I can comfortably handle, and I'll try not to think about anything. Not about Greg, not about how hurt he looked, not about why I can't seem to find love and keep it, and not about where Faith might be tonight.

I just love alone time. It's awesome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chinese Boxes by Kim Richey

You’re like Chinese boxes

One inside the other

Inside the other

One inside the other one

You’re smoke and mirrors, plastic flowers

Magic spells, misdirection

Smoke and mirrors, plastic flowers

How am I to know

How am I to know

You’re like all four seasons

One becomes the other

Becomes the other

One becomes the other one

You’re daffodils and summer showers

Turning leaves, all this snow

Daffodils and summer showers

How am I to know

How am I to know

I try and piece together clues and possibilities

I trim then sometimes into shapes I think they’re meant to be

Still you get the best and whatever else is left of me…still

How am I to know

How am I to know

You’re like Chinese boxes

One inside the other

Inside the other

One inside the other one

One inside the other

Inside the other

One inside the other one

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Two

Monkey on a Wire

I had to motor, so I left without saying a word to her. Fact is, if I didn't go when I did, there were gonna be a lotta words said and I knew she probably wouldn't wanna hear any of them. So I took off.

I'd been thinking that this asshole might really be the one. She'd stayed with him the longest, plus he kinda looked like the Wooden Soldier. She sure was all: "Greg, this, Greg that", long enough to make me wanna hurl. Even just one of those moments always makes me sick and this went on for fucking ever.

Then outta nowhere, it wasn't like she'd been complaining about him or anything, he was gone. Just like that, Mr. “He's the One" is toast, and B is just sitting there wide-open. Okay, poor choice of words because just thinking about that has me daydreaming to the point that aliens could anal probe me and I wouldn't even notice. But what I'm trying to say is that she's uninvolved and that will last at least few weeks, maybe a few months if I get lucky.

B's not the type that's absolutely gotta have a guy, she's fine going it alone. And of course I way prefer it when she does go solo because we get to hang together a lot more. Bachelor B is basically all mine, but that always has to end sooner or later. Because even though she doesn't gotta have it, she likes being in a relationship and as much as she gets hit on, well, Prince Charming's always just waiting in the wings.

She doesn't even have to do anything except be herself. She draws them in because she's "Buffy" – all class, but not snotty or untouchable. Even though she's way friendly it still takes some pretty big balls to make your approach. But anybody can see just how special she is, and they come to her like they've just been waiting for their chance.

They hover around her trying to suck up the courage to go for it, and sometimes they can't quite get there. No problem, there's always somebody else ready to cut in and take their place. B doesn't notice them, but I do. They're always there, always circling her, doing their best to catch her eye.

Whenever we go out to our favorite place, they're there. Some just nod, a few say hi, a couple might even call her by name, and Buffy always smiles back. Sometimes she'll stop and talk for a minute, and I watch their faces turn red and their eyes glaze over at the direct attention. Most of them look like they don't know what hit'em.

Greg was just one of those people. Dude used to sit at the bar right where it bends so he could stare at her. One night a bunch of us were out and he came up to the table all nervous and stupid.

"Hi. My name's Greg Manson…Mason… and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to dance…with me, I mean."

She smiled and stood up:

"I'd love to."

Then they were gone and didn't come back to the table for eighteen fucking minutes, which gave me plenty of time to file away the most important info: Act like a fucked up moron and B will fall for you. And definitely BYOD, she likes the natural ones. Yeah, my next drink was a double…twice.

But they're over now and there's a disturbance in the Force, leastways there is in mine. Because I'm thinking and the question running through my head on a loop is: Just how many more fucking times is Buffy going to be unattached? Sooner or later she's gotta find some fuckface she can love, somebody she's gonna wanna hitch herself to. They'll date, get engaged, get married, have kids, and live a life filled with love and family and happiness.

And what's that say about me that just the thought of all that really happening makes me wanna die and take somebody with me? What kinda rotten person am I that I get pissed at the thought of my friend finally being happy? I mean, even I know if you love somebody, you're supposed to wish that for them, and on my best days I do, no matter how it has to happen. But my "best" days aren't as often as I need’em to be and I can mostly only feel like I do.

I know I'm wicked glad that Greg bailed like a dumb ass because he was too stupid to gut it out. He couldn't see that having most of B is better than anything else he's ever gonna have, and I'll bet anything he thought she was gonna beg him to stay. But I know her and I know even though she was tempted to, she didn't.

I can see her just like I was there, her eyes filled right to the brim as she tried to let him down easy. I know she never wanted to hurt him, but I also know she didn't lie and try to get him to stay either. And that's the thing that's gotta hurt "Riley Lite" the most: she didn't try to hold on.

All it would have taken was the tiniest sign and he'd still be all over her, drooling and smiling and carrying on like usual. But he overestimated what he meant to her, and by the time he found out how it really was, it was way too late. She didn't have anything else left to give him, she'd already gone all in, and he was history.

Nobody can feel what they don't, and even though B's got the biggest heart of anybody I've ever known, she can't lie worth a damn. Greg pushed the sitch to where she had to be honest, and the idiot got his walking papers handed to him. Grab a tiger by the tail, you have to be ready to get scratched the fuck up, and I don't think he understood that until the very end. I almost feel bad for him…almost.

Anyway, back to my current sitch. I hightailed it away from B because there was no way I could stay, not and act like I'm supposed to. I needed some alone time because what I feel for her is right on the surface, and I have to get that shit pushed back down. Once I do, I can sit with my thumb up my ass and watch the contenders gather their courage and go for it.

I'll watch while most of'em pussy out or get shot down, then I'll brace myself for the one who finally makes a legit play. They'll be scared shitless, but they'll still go for it, and I'll just sit and watch while they do what I'm too gutless to try myself. Then I'll fantasize about snapping their spines in half.

It's getting harder to live with, and now even my alone time's letting me down. Because my alone time? It's been just that – me, all alone, all day and all night. No partying, no fucking, no fighting, just me sitting in a little room on the beach watching the water come and go while I keep thinking and wondering.

I'm not getting any younger and nothing's changing at all. I love her and as the years roll along, I just fall deeper and deeper. I keep thinking there's nowhere left to go, but there always is. Like the other day when she did this crazy dance after she kicked my ass at "Mario Kart". Yeah, I know, but Mario's classic, plus B likes the pretty colors and cuteness of it all.

Anyways, she beats the fuck outta me, tosses her controller, and then does the dorkiest, weirdest dance I've ever seen anybody do. She looked like she was having a seizure and I just sat there watching, so turned on and in love I was hypnotized. I'm telling you, if she was still doing it, I'd still be right there taking it in. I cracked my controller from hanging on too tight, and then when she leaned down to kiss the top of my head like I was a poor sport kid, I busted that piece of plastic beyond repair.

"Oh come on, F…don't be a bad loser."

And that's what I keep thinking about now: Exactly why do I have to be a loser, bad or otherwise? How come I got stuck in with the chumps? Who says I have to just watch everybody and their brother make a play for the woman I love? Where's it written that all I can do is pray that she'll shoot'em down? Why do I have to be a coward when I know I can outdo any of them any day of the week?

I'm thinking now and I'm thinking hard. There's a lot at stake for sure, but I'm not gonna change, I know that. I'm not gonna meet somebody else, I'm not gonna forget about her, my feelings aren't gonna change. It's her, it's always been her since the day we met, and the only difference I can see is that I'm sane now and I love her even more.

Here's the thing: I can keep doing what I've been doing, just stay the course and watch’em come and go. But I see her every single day and I see that she's waiting for somebody to make it through, to actually connect with her. It's not easy for her to keep trying, B's romantic history isn't exactly the best, but she keeps doing it because she's Buffy and she's not a coward or a quitter.

Maybe I've been looking at this sitch all wrong all this time. Maybe I'd be doing her a favor because I know I can connect with her, I can give her what she wants and needs. I know her inside and out, the good and the bad, and I love every bit of her. Her sweetness, her toughness, her willingness to put herself on the line for other people day after day, year after year…and right there's one of the big sticking points.

Buffy is a hero, the kind they don't make anymore. She does the right thing just because it's the right thing. She cares about people and she sacrifices herself for them all the time. She always does the impossible, the girl's a legend like somethin’ out of a comic book. And me? Well, not so much.

Sure, I've done okay these last few years, but I know somebody somewhere's keepin' track, and I've got some big time strikes against me. Lighting a coupla candles every month for a coupla dead guys doesn't wash their blood off me. Nothing ever will, but I keep going anyway. Angel taught me that it's never over and B has taught me how to live with that. I do okay.

I know now it's about putting yourself on the line because you're all that's standing between good and evil. If you're not willing to throw yourself into the mix and do what you can to help, then you're nothing. Win or lose you gotta be there, and it's not about the final tally either. It's about who you are, what you'll hold firm for, what you're willing to die over.

I'm a Slayer and a damn good one too. I fight the fight and maybe it erases some of my sins, maybe it doesn't, but it does let me sleep at night. It gets me a place I can call home with people who care about me, and it lets me look at myself in the mirror and stand the view. That's way more than I ever imagined I'd get.

But my main point here is that a hero should have somebody by her side who's worthy of her, and as much as I wish that was me, it's probably not. But the thing is, none of those other guys were either, and it didn't stop one of them from going for it. I'm thinking now that maybe that's just a big obstacle I made up because I'm scared when it comes to my feelings for B.

Which then just leaves the biggest problem of all: the whole gay thing. If I was a guy I'd have already made my move already, probably, but I'm not a guy. I'm wicked obvious a chick, so how do I stand any kinda chance with her? But again with the wondering if I haven't just been shoving shit in the way. Sure B's never been with another girl, but what's that mean exactly?

Because I keep remembering back to Sunnydale when I went to her class and drew a heart on the window for her. I figured I could cover if I had to by saying it was just a vamp thing, but nobody in that class except Willow and Xander could know that. To everybody else it was simple: a sex on wheels, leather wearing dyke was coming on to the prettiest girl in the whole fucking school.

And that pretty girl? She just sat there looking scared, all pink and embarrassed because she knew what it looked like, what they all thought. But B didn't leave me hanging. She gathered up her courage and smiled, like something was decided for her… and she came to me. Pretty as you please, and I was riding as high as I've ever been.

We went slaying, then dancing, and I thought we were on our way. But who knows now what the fuck really happened. Maybe I was dreaming, maybe I just saw what I wanted to see. What I can say for sure is that accidental murder fucks everything up, ‘specially if you go nuts on top of it and keep making it worse in every possible way.

Anyway, I've lost track of what was real and what was just in my crazy head. What that means now when it comes right down to it is: I don't really know if B's against girls. I know she supports the hell outta Red, and she almost always goes to those Gay Pride deals. I don't get the point of that shit, but I do love that every girl at every one of those things is so fucking jealous of the hot blonde whose arm is always linked with mine.

It's my favorite time of the whole year. Red and Ken think I'm the biggest supporter of lesbians in the country because I get so keyed up about it, and oh yeah, I'm wicked huge with the gay rights. Especially the ones that get Buffy to spend hours touching me left and right.

She always scores us some rainbow hats right outta the gate, and she makes me wear one while she talks to everybody she sees. Before it's over, we're always decorated like we've been to Mardi Gras topless, and Buffy looks so freaking happy and gay…like in a "no cares" kinda way too. She doesn't seem the slightest bit worried about somebody thinking she's queer, in fact she loves to goof around with it.

"Hi, I'm Buffy and this is Faith. I know, isn't she so beautiful? Mmm…baby, how long have we been together now?"

I can never even remember my name, let alone come up with an answer for her. She just squeezes me tighter, her arm around my waist and her tits smashed up and rubbing against me. Sometimes she actually kisses me on the neck, playing it up to the hilt:

"See how bad she is? It's lucky she's so good at…other things."

Her voice goes all sexy when she says stuff like that, and when it does, I don't have a clue who she's talking to or what anybody else is saying. I just stand there until she leads me off, and I have to work hard to keep my legs from wobbling. As soon as we get out of earshot, she always laughs all bright and sunny, looking like a little kid at the best party ever.

"I told you if you wore that top, you'd be getting hit on all day. You're lucky I'm here because she's totally crazy if she thinks I'd ever share you with anyone. And you crack me up how you were acting all love struck!"

She signs petitions, carries posters, eats way more junk food than she oughta, and she fits right in way better than I do. She always tells me the story about how she realized she really liked Riley when she saw him helping some lesbians hang up a banner on campus. Just like with most everything when it came to him, he was so sweet about it, and to be fair, I guess that sums him up just right. He wasn't very exciting and he wasn't right for her, but he was a good guy. Even I get that.

Anyway, the question for me to answer now is what does any of that stuff actually mean? Obviously B's not an idiot when it comes to lesbians, not much of a surprise there, but it's a pretty big leap from her being lesbian friendly to her being open to falling for a girl. Still I don't really know anything, so yeah, thinking straight…clear…would be a big fucking help.

I've never seen any evidence that she finds women attractive, but just because she hasn't said anything doesn't mean she doesn't. I'm just assuming, which is pretty stupid when it comes to something this important. They even got a saying about this kinda sitch: "You assume and somebody turns into an asshole". I'm guessing that might be me.

Of course my brain's not exactly working right. I just can't stop hearing what she said to me five days ago, and it's been the main thing running through every thought I've had since then. There's no way I can stop thinking about it, and believe me I've tried.

I came in late that morning from a crazy patrol, went straight to my room and got cleaned up, then headed back downstairs for lunch. It wasn't long before I heard Greg was toast. I took my time eating so I could be sure I wouldn't start smiling like the selfish bitch I am, and then I tracked her down in her room.

She was glad to see me. I'm always there for her when this stuff happens, and I wanna be. I hate seeing her down, so I help out whenever and however I can. Of course I'm also only human, and I spend a wicked chunk of my brain power calculating just how much time we're gonna be spending together over the next however many weeks. Unless she's really upset, I tend to drift a little if I don't force myself to focus on her words because I keep picturing what we're gonna do.

But this time it was all cool, I was in the moment. She told me how it went down, how she knew it was for the best, but how he'd really been hurt. She felt way shitty about that and she cried a little when she was explaining it to me. I hugged her while she did, and I told her it was going to be okay, that he'd be okay.

I felt her nodding against me, probably secretly wiping her nose on my shirt, and then she pulled back with a little laugh. She looked so beautiful, all flushed with her eyes so green it was like she'd invented a new color. I sat there trying not to slobber all over her, and then she said:

"Maybe I should just give up on guys and be with you."

What? What the fuck did she just say?

That was all I could think as I tried to act normal, but I was nowhere near normal. I was so shook up I felt crazy, and I kept waiting for my chance to motor. When she did a huge yawn a few minutes later, I was all over it. I told her she should try to get some sleep, and she nodded. She thanked me for always being there for her and knowing just what to say to make her feel better. At least I think that's what she said. All I could hear was:

"Maybe I should just give up on guys and be with you."

She hugged me again and then I left her room, went to mine and threw some shit into a bag. I hauled ass right then and there, and I didn't stop running ‘til I ended up at this little fake wood table, staring out the window and watching the waves roll in and out.

The more I go over it, the more I wonder why I can't just take my shot with her. I'd have to be really careful because I can't lose her as a friend, but I could put out some feelers, maybe test the waters a little bit and see how she reacts. I'll be like a Lesbian Stealth Bombshell, just sniffing around and ready to back off at the first sign of trouble.

I know how to play that game, I used to do it with her all the time. And although that went to hell way too fast and took me with it, the actual flirting part wasn't the problem. B seemed kinda into, at least before I started slaughtering half the town and working my way to Crazyville. But was it the sex thing she was digging or just that I was paying her some attention?

Besides, we were wicked young, so that doesn't really tell me all that much either way. Being maybe attracted as a kid doesn't mean shit when you're all grown up. Although if she did want me back then, maybe they could make it a law that she has to want me now. Yeah, everybody get on the horn and call your congressman.

Sure wish I had somebody to talk this sitch over with. I don't though, so I'm not gonna waste time whining about it. The main thing is that even though I'm scared, I wanna do it. I just need to remember to be careful and start slow. I'll just keep going a little further every day and see how far I can get.

But "slow" is gonna be the key thing, and it means I can't just walk up to her and say:

"I'm in love with you, B. Can I eat you out for the rest of my life?"

Instead I have to try to make her aware of the possibility between us, and I have to keep the rest of the wannabes off her until I see which way the wind's blowing. If she's not interested, I'll back off and spend the rest of my life wishing for more and taking what I can get. It won't be any worse than what I've got now, and at least this way I've got a fighting chance. No matter how it goes, there won't be any "what ifs" in my future.

Decision made, I'm heading back tomorrow and I'm gonna have some guts. Tiny guts, maybe, but they're mine and I'm gonna use'em to help me nail B…one way or the other.

"Maybe I should just give up on guys and be with you."

Fuck, my hands are shaking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monkey on a Wire by Kasey Chambers & Shane Nicholson

They make no sound

They ring no bell

Leaving no traces

They got no tales to tell

They find no home

They make no love

Casting no shadow

While balancing above

Ohhh…here I go, me and my desire

Everyone’s got their own monkey on the wire

Ohhh…down below, leader of the choir

Is waiting for the next monkey on a wire

They keep no fear

No second prize

Walking like Jesus

With voodoo in their eyes

They come in green

They leave in black

Holding dead roses

With bullets in their back

Ohhh…here I go, me and my desire

And everyone’s got their own monkey on the wire

Ohhh…down below, wrapped up in the fire

Waiting for the next monkey on a wire

They make no sound

They ring no bell

Walking like Jesus

Going straight on into Hell

Ohhh…There you go, you and your desire

And everyone’s got their own monkey on the wire

Ohhh…down below, leader of the choir

Is waiting for the next monkey on a wire

Ohhh…down below, wrapped up in the fire

Waiting for the next monkey on a wire

Waiting for the next monkey on a wire…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nervous

I can't seem to stop looking at her. It's stupid, but every time she catches me staring, I blush. I don't know what the deal is, it's not like we don't look at each other all the time. But it's been different lately, like she knows something and is just waiting for me to know it too, and tonight's been the worst. She knows it's bothering me and her grin is getting smirkier, her body language is getting cockier, and the sexual energy or whatever it is between us, is skyrocketing to the point that even Willow is noticing.

She keeps darting these "Willow" looks my way, and it won't be much longer before she comes over here and starts asking "Willow" questions that I don't want to…

"Hey, what are we blushing at?"

He sneaks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me back against him. His voice in my ear would have made me jump, but being held in Xander's arms is probably the least scary place in the world.

"I'm not blushing."

"Au contraire, my little Buffster. I know your color and red it is not."

"I'm just a little hot and…"

He bends down to rest his chin on my shoulder, obviously seeking a Buffy's-eye view.

"Okay, so you're going to make me work for it. I respect that. Now let's see what we have in sight…We've got Giles sitting at the table drinking a beer, Andrew desperately trying to throw even one dart remotely near the board, and Dawn doing her best to attract the boy at the table next to her. Is that it? You're mad because Dawnie's not going to be a nun after all?"

I laugh because he's Xander, and I swat his arm because his Xanderness is in full swing.

"I'm not mad about anything and I am not blushing."

"Hmmm…"

His grip tightens and he turns us just slightly so that he can see from another angle.

"Okay, over there are some good old boys polishing off another pitcher, two couples dancing, and Faith."

"See? I told you I wasn't…"

Faith looked over at us then, her arms raised about her head as she swayed to the music. She grinned at Xander, then gestured with her finger for him to come over. She looked like an ad for hot sex and I felt myself getting warmer.

"Hey, Faith!"

He yelled over to her like a dork and one of his hands lifted to wave at her. I tried to make my escape from him, but he spun me around until we were face to face.

"And just where do you think you're going? We've got a mystery to solve, nobody leaves until we have our answer."

I looked him in the eye with what I hoped was an intimidating stare:

"You do know I can break loose any time I want to."

"Of course you can, but only if you choose to use your Slayer muscles. And since this is a 'Buffy' thing and not a 'Slayer' thing, you have to play fair."

"Xander, I don't want to play, I just want…"

He was completely ignoring me and my wants.

"Sorry, Tiny Girl. Now, where were we? There seems to be nothing for you to blush at and yet you're…"

"Hey."

Her voice was right at my ear, so close I could feel her breath skimming across my skin. I went still, hoping she wouldn't notice me. Xander spoke up without delay:

"Hi, Faith. You sure were shaking it up out there."

"Yeah. So how come you didn't come over?"

I stayed quiet, wishing I could move away from her as I waited for Xander to answer. He didn't say anything, then I felt Faith nudging me with her shoulder.

"B?"

"Yes?"

"How come you didn't come over?"

"Me?"

Thankfully Xander jumped right in and no one commented on my squeaky answer.

"The Buffster and I were too busy trying to get to the bottom of something."

Faith laughed and this time the sound was on a frequency that raised goose bumps on my neck and shoulders.

"'Less it's the bottom of a bottle, not sure I can help you guys out."

"Xander, let go of me."

"Say 'please' and maybe I'll...."

I shoved him back and he smiled.

"Fine, be all Slayery, I need libations anyway. Ladies?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"Buff?"

I shook my head and with a parting grin he headed off for the bar. I watched him go for as long as I could, stalling for all I was worth.

"B?"

I let out a deep breath and turned to face her. She looked so good in her red sleeveless top and her black jeans.

"Why didn't you come dance with me?"

The question was so absurd I laughed, then tried to pick a fight because I was scared.

"And why exactly would I do that, Faith?"

"Not sure on the 'exactlies', but why wouldn't ya?"

Yes, that probably was the question, but the way she was looking at my lips and wetting her own had my legs turning to jelly and my heart beating way too fast to ask myself anything even slightly sensible.

I went back to trying to pick a fight.

"Pardon me, but I'm not at your beck and call. I was talking to Xander and…"

Just like she'd been doing for the last twenty-three days, she ignored my bitchiness. She stepped closer, her breasts actually brushing against mine as she took hold of my arms. Her grip was solid, but I could have easily moved away if I'd chosen to. I'd have to make a point of it though, and at the moment there were other points that were taking precedence.

"You don't gotta be scared, B."

"Scared?"

Damn, the squeakiness was back, but she didn't seem to notice. She let go of me and extended her hand.

"Come dance with me. We've done that before, so no big, right?"

But it was a "big", a much bigger big than it had ever been before, and it had been a big back then too. She was gently tugging on me, and her smile almost blinded me as I went with her out onto the dance floor. The song changed right as we got there, and we started off slow.

We just stood with my hand in hers, and after a few moments, she moved a little closer and put her free hand lightly on my shoulder.

"See? Just like ridin' a biker."

That made me smile and nod. She smiled too, then brushed the hair off of my face. Her left hand lingered against my cheek for a moment before sliding down to my waist in tandem with her right one.

My arms draped themselves loosely over her shoulders and we began swaying together. I was very happy with all of the sensations that was causing, even though I still wondered just exactly what I thought we were doing.

She leaned in and inhaled deeply:

"How do you always smell so good, B?"

"Body soap and shampoo."

"Nah, I think it's just you."

We didn't talk anymore. It was kind of like a basking moment, even though I technically had nothing to bask about, and I started thinking about how we'd arrived at the moment we were now in.

I'd broken up with Greg about a hundred years ago, and after making me feel better about it, Faith had taken off for five long days and nights. It was weird that she left right then, but what was even weirder was how she acted when she finally came back home.

She started playing with me, and at first it was nothing but fun to be flirted with without any pressure. It was also major fun to watch Faith being silly in a way she hadn't been in years. It was like reliving the good old days without any of the bad old parts, and it lifted my mood right up into "Giddy Territory", just like that.

But then it all got…different. Everything she said seemed to maybe mean something else and her eyes felt like they were following me everywhere I went. She stood a little too close to me, and the mixed signals we used to have were back with a vengeance. We'd somehow resumed a familiar routine I'd forgotten all about, and I was completely rattled.

For years we'd had a neatly defined friendship with borders we were careful not to cross. Suddenly Faith was crossing those borders, every single one of them, and way faster than I could set them back up. The energy that always used to crackle between us started up again, and it was like a living, breathing thing. I suddenly remembered just how attracted I'd always been to her, and it freaked me out.

I got grouchy with her, jumping on every word she said and trying to pick a fight with her every chance I got. It was stupid, but I couldn't quit doing it no matter how much I wanted to. Faith didn't seem to care, she just ignored my craziness. All of my attempts to argue with her went nowhere, and I started to sweat whenever she was near. She had me totally off balance, but at the same time a big part of me felt totally at ease.

It felt like something big was building, something wild and new, yet old and comforting too. I didn't understand it at first, but I knew I felt more alive than I had in years, and it felt wonderful. I couldn't sleep, and when I did I dreamed of…things. I was all worked up and my mind wouldn't stop thinking about her.

She gave me a slight shake that pulled me out of my thoughts.

"You're not gonna punch me, are ya, B?"

"What? Why would I punch you?"

She laughed a little, but I could tell she was serious too.

"Just that every time I have this fantasy, it always ends with you slugging me."

I eased back slightly so I could see her eyes.

"That's the ending of your fantasy?"

She was a little embarrassed.

"Well, no, sometimes there's another ending. A way hotter, better ending."

I leaned into her again.

"Definitely no punching tonight, promise."

"…So does that mean the other ending…"

I hit her hard on the ass, and her laughter caused my goose bumps to return, except this time my arms joined in on the fun.

The song ended and seamlessly blended into the next one and the one after that, and I found myself becoming more and more comfortable with her. When a fast song started up, neither of us moved away, preferring instead to stay right where we were, dancing to our own music.

Some say "dancing", I say potato. We were moving together in a perfect rhythm and at one point I saw Willow and Xander blur by. They were sitting side by side at the table with their mouths hanging open, Xander’s even more than it usually did whenever Faith and I were together. They didn't exactly look shocked, just blown away and totally confused. Like it had all come out of nowhere and they'd had no warning, which it kind of had and they kind of hadn't, hence the shock.

I didn't exactly feel bad about it, it wasn't like I'd had that much warning either. I tried to read their expressions, but Faith was already sailing us past them and besides, that was a worry for another time. I knew they liked Faith now, they liked her a lot, but I wasn't naïve enough to think that there might not be some lingering issues.

Faith and I together have always been a volatile mix, and even as friends we're all sorts of explodey. But at least as friends we're in control, and I could easily imagine everybody a lot less at ease if we started a romance. Right now though, that possibility was still firmly in the "possibly maybe" stage, and I didn't even pretend to look at Giles or Dawnie.

At least now Xander knew what I'd been blushing at.

"B, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, I guess so."

My lips brushed against the warm, smooth skin of her shoulder when I spoke, and I felt her shiver. For a second her grip tightened enough to hurt, but almost instantly she relaxed again.

"Sorry."

We danced in silence until I found my voice again, and this time I lifted my head away from her:

"So what were you going to ask me?"

She made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh.

"I don't remember anymore."

"Oh. Well, I've got one."

"Shoot."

"What's happening here?"

"I want you, B."

At first I didn't say anything. We just continued to move together as I thought it over. The idea didn't upset me, but it did scare me, although in an exciting way. Could we really do it, could we maybe be together? And how did she mean it? As just a sex thing or as a relationship…although just between me and me, I think if she pushed it, I'd go for just the sex thing if I had to. That's how worked up I'd become over the last few weeks.

"B?"

"Uh-huh?"

"I still want you."

"I know you do, I think I do too."

She laughed like only Faith laughs before she says something off the charts inappropriate.

"Damn, that mean you're gonna play with yourself? Can I watch?"

"Do you always have to act like a pig?"

"No, just sometimes when I wanna see ya all flustered."

She was certainly getting her wish. I hadn't felt this crazy in forever. Everything seemed different and scary, but thrilling and somehow right too. I was pretty sure it was something I wanted to explore, crazy enough in and of itself.

We continued dancing, just getting used to being so close with things sort of out in the open between us…at least that's what I was doing. I didn't think for a second that Faith was feeling what I was. Her confidence was practically oozing out of her, not that that's anything unusual. She always exudes sexual confidence, like she knows she can have anyone at any time, and I guess she can.

I mean, it's not like I'm the end all, be all, but here I am with my arms around her and acting totally unlike myself. I'm practically just waiting to be taken by her, basically willing even if it's just sex, which is not exactly the standard "Buffy" operating procedure. That train of thought wasn't helping me calm down, but then not many trains took me anywhere near calm lately.

I could feel everywhere she was touching me and it had my mind all swirly and…

"So how's this work?"

I had to laugh.

"Gee, Faith, I was really counting on you to know. I'm not exactly experienced when it comes to this sort of thing."

She grinned and pulled me to her tighter and…hello. New parts and places touching, and it seemed wicked likely I was getting the vapors or their more modern and kicky cousin – the swoonies.

"Smart ass. I know how that works, I just don't know how we get there from here."

"I don't know either, I guess we just…"

My voice sort of petered out, the anticipation making me feel all kinds of things. Was I really going to do this? With Faith? How did this happen? How did we get here?

"We don't gotta take it any further, B, not if you're not ready."

I could hear the disappointment even though she tried to hide it, but when I pulled back to look into her eyes, I could see that she meant what she said. She wanted me, but she was going to be okay with it if I couldn't. That understanding let me make my decision.

"I never knew you were so sweet."

"Huh?"

"I want this, Faith. I'm just a little freaked is all, but I definitely don't want to go backwards."

Her eyes lit up and the smile on her face was huge. She leaned in then and delivered the softest kiss I've ever felt. It lasted forever, but not nearly long enough, and when she drew back, her tongue peeked out just a bit to lick her lips like I'd left chocolate behind.

"Damn, B."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nervous by Melissa Etheridge

They don’t much care for you

No they don’t like your kind

The way you look, walk

Or the way you talk

The way you always speak your mind

But you wanna be my friend

You’re not anything like them

You could show me things I’ve never seen

You say “Ooh child, what a waste if we never took a taste

Of everything we find in between”

Ooh you make me nervous

Ooh you make me wanna run away and hide

You make me nervous

When you look at me I just can’t lie

Ooh you make me nervous tonight

Feels so wrong and feels so right, it feels like insanity

Oh I keep acting strange, hoping that I’ll change

Waking in a sweat from a burning dream

And then look at all my friends, I keep on pleasing them

Caught up in the chaos of their minds

Ooh child the fear I have

Keeps me bound and keeps me gagged

Pushing harder all the time

Ooh you make me nervous

Ooh you make me wanna run away and hide

Ooh you make me nervous

When you look at me I just can’t lie

I wanna shovel all the blame

And I wanna shoot out all the lights

I wanna call you names and start a fight

Because you make me nervous tonight

Heart pounds, hands wet, mouth dry

I shake, I scream, I cry

No eat, no sleep all night

I build my lonely cell with secrets I can’t tell

Frozen in my fright

Ooh, you make me nervous tonight

You make me nervous

You make me nervous

You make me nervous

Oh you make me wanna run away and hide

Oh you make me nervous

When you look at me I just can’t lie

I wanna shovel all the blame

And I wanna shoot out all the lights

I wanna call you names and start a fight

Oh you make me nervous

Nervous, nervous

Ooh you make me nervous tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Three

Let's Be Friends (Skin to Skin)

Okay, I'm in heaven, which is also way too close to hell sometimes. But then I sort of figured that anyway, so it's kinda nice to have it confirmed. Or not. Fuck if I know.

Me and B are dating, but just behind the scenes. It's not exactly a secret, not after I kissed her on the dance floor in front of everybody, but we're not flaunting it either. B wants to go slow for a bit, which I'm fine with and hey, it's not like I can't do slow. I already proved that…although I still wanna ask her if I can go down on her and stay there forever.

But I'm okay with the sitch, leastways for now. I don't feel like she's shinin' me on or playing games. For her it all kinda came out of nowhere, and the fact that she's been as good with it as she has is a huge fucking bonus. It's definitely thrown her, she's pretty freaked out sometimes, but then other times she's right at home and I can see that she's digging us together.

And I get it, I'm not a crazy jerk like I used to be. There's all kindsa stuff involved and you can't just whitewash it away because you want to. The crap I did back in the day wasn't just some little fucked up shit, it was major and even though we've already dealt with it, it can kinda repeat on ya like when you eat Mexican late at night.

Plus, right or wrong, usual or not, other people are involved. And I'm not gonna be stupid about that either. B comes with a big group and that's just the way it is. We all have things that need dealing with, but the good news is we like each other now and we got a new history to look at 'stead of just a buncha old shit that happened before.

I got no problems with anybody, but I understand me and B might ruffle a few feathers at first. That's cool, they're lookin’ out for their girl, making sure that things go as good as they can. And the best is: I know they're kinda looking out for me too. I'm not feeling like I'm an outsider or like the past however many years didn't mean squat to'em. They care about me, a lot, but I can see how they might think the new sitch is a little scary anyway.

Buffy and me, well we're not exactly calm and peaceful together, but we learned how to make it work. We’ve become really good friends and everybody's used to that…but this isn't about just being pals anymore. It's about being lovers, and that's always a big clusterfuck for everybody no matter who they are.

Being B's friend is great, it's been the best thing ever, and I still need that part of her. But being lovers is all about…Well, it's all about something else and the screwing, of course. The point is I don't exactly know what it's all about, I've never been anybody's lover before, but I figure between us, me and B got all the angles covered.

I thought maybe the night of the dance was gonna be it, but she wasn't ready. That was okay with me, I figured it was normal and besides, just knowing it was maybe really gonna happen was enough for me. Waiting didn't even seem hard. I've been wanting her for years, I'd even given up all hope, so a few more days or weeks of waiting were nothing to me.

So we said our goodnights and I went to bed happy, only to get way, way happier as I slept. I had a dream and I knew right away B was sharing it with me. Of course she freaked out about it the next day and I didn't blame her a bit. That shit was wicked hot, so I gave her some space. I left her alone for a whole day, but no way could I let her run with it too long. We finally sat down and hashed it out over breakfast and came up with our plan. Just like that, me and B were officially dating.

It hasn't been too hard, even though I've never done it before. I just do the same things I've always done, but now I can show her at least some of how I feel about her. I can hold her hand and kiss her whenever I want as long as nobody else is around. And since we've been spending huge chunks of time at my place or hers, we get a lot of alone time.

I still bring her stuff she likes just like always, but now I can add flowers to the mix. I felt kinda stupid about it, I've never got anybody flowers before. But the first time I gave her one she was so freakin' happy, it took all the bad out of it for me. I can't wait to give'em to her now and it's always the same great reaction from her.

Red roses are classics, everybody knows those are the king flowers of romance, but one day I was picking up some groceries and I spotted these yellow guys. I didn't know what kind they were, but they were kinda quirky, but classy too. They also looked wicked strong and they were flat-out beautiful, just like Buffy. Turned out they were her faves, daffodils, so talk about gettin’ lucky.

Speaking of, we fool around every chance we get. B was a little nervous at first, but she got over it pretty fast and made herself comfortable. Hell, I was a little nervous myself at the start just 'cause it's B and the whole sitch is a fucking crazy dream come true. I've been making it happen right outta nowhere, but I'm in a groove now, plus sex stuff's right in my wheelhouse at any time. I'm hittin' all the cylinders, hers and mine, and we're working it just fine.

I'm taking it slow and steady. She said she needs some time and I'm happy to give it to her, and I really mean that. The fact that I can be with her at all, well I'm making out pretty good on the deal, way better than I ever hoped for. Because Buffy? She can really kiss and she always smells so good.

Anyway, I'm all about the slow and steady, bringing something new only when it seems like she's ready to move up another notch. She never pulls away, never tells me to lay off or stop, so I'm pretty happy and feeling all kindsa proud of myself. Turns out I'm a lot more skilled at this seduction thing than I ever gave myself credit for. It's been pretty easy right from the get go, aside from having to not respond to Buffy's bitchy comments when I first got started.

She didn't know what the fuck was going on and I was making her edgy, so she tried to pick a fight practically every time we saw each other. I never took the bait, I just ignored her and kept my cool. By being mature like that, I got us where we're at today.

I'm getting plenty of touch and I'm not turning her off or making her feel like I'm disrespecting her either. I'd never disrespect B and I think she knows that now for sure, which is nothing but a good thing. I'm handling everything just perfect.

Hell, I didn't even blow my cool like I woulda in the old days when Willow cornered me in Giles' office. It was a few days after the dancing and kissing night, and we all knew there was no way in the world that Willow was not gonna be looking to talk to me about what went down. I avoided her for as long as I could without it being too suspicious, then I braced myself to take my lumps.

I started off by telling her I didn't kiss B, that maybe she just hallucinated the whole thing. I said it with such a straight face, she started listing out demons that can fuck with your mind. I finally caved because what a geek she is, and me and B had already nailed down our cover story for this exact moment.

"Red, I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, I kissed B, but it was on a dare. We were goofin' around, is all."

"Really? Because it didn't look like…"

"That's 'cause we saw you and Xander watching, so we played it up. No big."

She was nodding, clearly not buying a word I said.

"Okay, but…Faith?"

"Yeah?"

"It's none of my business, I know that. And you and I are friends and I love you, you know that."

I felt like a million bucks when she said that, so I had to make a joke:

"So you sayin' I gotta kiss you now?"

She laughed and punched my shoulder.

"You wish. No, what I'm saying is I don't want either of you getting hurt."

"With ya there."

"I know you are, so we'll just say it was a joke and let it go for now."

"Great. Thanks, Willow."

She hugged me and that was it…until Xander showed up a few hours later when I was working out.

"Slay Gal!"

"Cyclops."

He grabbed the bag and I started punching harder. The only sound in the room for a couple of minutes was us grunting.

"So…Faith…"

"Yeah?"

"Will says we're all pretending."

"Yeah."

"That works for me. Wanna go get lunch and play a little pool?"

"On you?"

He peeked around the bag, a big grin on his face:

"Sure, I'll be happy to pretend about that too if you want."

I fake punched him dead center on his forehead and smiled back at him:

"Gimme ten to clean up."

G-Man's never said shit to me or B, so either he's pretending with every ounce of English in him or he somehow missed it.

That just left Squirt when it comes to people who matter, and she went all short and sweet with it. There was a knock on my door about an hour before patrol, I opened it, and she just stood there looking me up and down. Finally she rolled her eyes and said:

"Weirdos."

Then she just walked away.

So that was it. The Scoobies were reined in for now, gossip was flying hot and heavy with Andy and the Potentials, and it was just me and B trying to make a go of it. It took a lot of the pressure off, not that there wasn't already plenty anyways. I mean, I'm trying to seduce B, and not just for a roll in the sack. I'm looking long term here, but it's not like I can tell her I love her. It's way too early for that kinda thing.

We're trying to ease into something that's never been easy, so there's no sense in blurting out complicated shit to her. We just got the gang backed off, we don't need me turning up the heat on us. It's just gonna take time and that's fine.

'Sides, it's not like a huge hardship. B's been treating me great just like always, but now there's a whole new deal to it too. She's just more there, is the best way to explain it. She's into me, always looking for me, and not happy when I can't come over. But not in a creepy clingy way, more like in a cool girlfriend way.

I can't really pinpoint it because she's basically the same with me. She still DVRs the shows I like and I always go to her place to watch’em. She still cooks for me and sometimes she tries to make this roast dinner deal. I told her a long time ago that my mom actually made us a real spread once and that it's probably my best childhood memory. B's been trying to get it just right for me since then, and I can always tell when she's trying to cook it. Her face looks like she's out on patrol ‘stead of standing in her own kitchen.

She still orders me pizza all the time, keeps buying me Snickers bars by the box so there's always some at her place, and she stocks her fridge with all the stuff I like. She still gets the orange juice I like best, even though she thinks it sucks. She just knows without asking when my bum shoulder's sore and she massages Ben-Gay into it for me. And yeah, since I was thirteen, although it'd be more accurate to say: "Ben-Bi".

B's always taking care of me, making me feel welcome. I guess the only difference now, and it's a big one, is that she kisses me, touches me, sometimes gives me a look like I've never gotten from her before. She still blushes and gets flustered around me, but now I barely have to do anything to get that kinda reaction from her. Also, there's no bozo breathing down my neck to take her away from me. She's not even looking at anybody else.

I guess when it comes right down to it, we're just the same with each other, only it's more intense and involved. Or maybe it's the promise of what's coming, how we're gonna go way further with each other than ever before. Because that's practically burning in the spaces between us and those spaces are getting smaller all the time.

Even though it's been easy waiting for her, it's getting tougher. She's right there with her skin so soft, her hair all silky, her beautiful eyes so big I could get lost in them. I know it sounds sappy, but everything is in her eyes. I wanna lean over and take the plunge, find out who I am, who she is, who we are. I wanna stare into them all happy and safe until I'm old and grey, knowing that there will never be anything better in my life no matter how good it gets.

And she kisses the best ever. She touches all unsure and then that's gone when she remembers it's just me. Her tongue swirls so perfect on the roof of my mouth that I have to fight not to take her right there. B smells good all the time, but up close it makes me shake and wish I could just slide into her.

We hold hands, she lets me touch her, play with her, and I'm thinking on our next make-out session I'm getting her out of her bra. Because those tits feel so amazing through her clothes, I can't imagine how it's gonna be when it's skin to skin. I wanna know.

She makes these little noises when I play with her nipples, and they get so hard I always expect them to spring right through her bra and shirt. Nipples like B's are something you have to feel to believe. I think they're Original Slayer nipples – one of a kind. Whatever the fuck they are, I wanna touch them, feel them, suck and bite'em.

And that right there is my current problem: I'm starting to crack. I'm not kidding about taking this at B's pace, she deserves that, and it's been a great three weeks. In fact, it’s been the best time of my whole life, and I don't have any complaints about any of it. Me and B haven't been wasting time, we've been getting closer and closer, plus we've been groping and fondling and kissing and rubbing too. But I'm talking emotional wise, person to person. We've been doing something important, I can feel it.

It's like we knew each other so good, but now it's going deeper. I feel her on a different level than I did, and somehow it makes me want to get even closer to her. Before this got started, we knew each other inside and out, for sure, but this is…it's just deeper somehow, and I know she can see me a lot easier.

B's smart as hell and I also know she's figured some shit out, like how I’ve got feelings for her. I'm cool with that and when it comes time to share, I will. I'll tell her whatever she wants to know about me, but that's for later. Right now my girl's gotta be eased into this, and cool, ease away. But fuck, it's hard.

Just the way her breath hits my neck or the way her nipple brushes up against mine or the way she pulls on my hair like she has to hold on for dear life…I love how she wraps around me, the way she moves without even knowing she is. Her arms have this blonde hair on them and it makes me zoom right to "come ready" whenever I feel it sliding against my skin.

She says my name like I'm special, kind of breathes it out like it's gonna be her last word when she leaves this world. I shiver and shake when she sighs against my mouth or when her lips kiss along my throat. And her tongue and the way she handles it…She actually made me come once, but she doesn't know about it.

She'd been all careful and unsure up 'til then whenever we kissed, but I wanted to move things along. I began playing with her, trying to get her to be more active because one thing I'd bet my life on: Buffy Summers can be a fucking wild woman in the sack. I don't have any doubt about that because it's in everything she does, it's in the way she fuckin' moves. She's so passionate about stuff, she's got a temper she can let loose of at any time, and she's got a mean streak that's a mile wide. All I got to say about that is: "Yeah, I definitely want some."

So anyway, I'm teasing her and just like that, B came out to play. It started slow, but then her tongue was right with mine, so I kept going. Next thing you know, we're two Slayers dukin' it out. All too fast I'm fightin’ for my life, kissing wise, and B's going in for the kill.

She wouldn't back down and eventually she topped me with her tongue. She just took control, kinda rose up over me, jerked my head rough by my hair, and took the fuck over. My neck was back against the couch and B was on her knees straddling me. She had a hand on either side of my face to keep me right where I was, and there was no doubt about who was in charge.

I came right then while she showed me what she could do, but I don't think B noticed. She just kept going, letting me know she wasn't gonna be a follower her whole life. I tried to move, but nope. B's the Slayer and if she tells you you're gonna stay, you're gonna stay. As far as turn-ons went, that was the biggest one I've ever had, and I stayed right where she put me, yes ma'am.

She had her way with my mouth, then pulled back and took my bottom lip with her. It didn't hurt bad, more like the kinda hurt that makes you wince and groan, and the kind that makes me shiver a little and want more. When she finally let go, she kissed my lip real delicate. Her eyes were looking at mine the whole time, although up that close she was kinda just a sexy, blonde blur. Her tongue traced along my lip as I just kept sitting there breathing hard.

"You can't always be in charge, F."

Right, no, of course no. I can't know something…me, not me, always not. I can…not take…charge of…Huh? I didn't have any idea where the fuck I was or what I was thinking for probably around ten minutes. By the time I snapped back to where the hell I really was, me and B were snuggled up on the couch.

She was leaning into me, my arm wrapped around her while her head rested on my chest and her legs were sort of folded to the side of her. We were watching TV, least she was anyways. I didn't have the first fucking clue what was on, I could barely remember our names at that point.

I wanted a beer so bad, but I didn't trust myself to stand. So what happened? B grabbed the remote, hit pause, and without a word went and got me a beer. She just walked back in, twisted the top off my Sam Adams, took a tiny sip and handed it to me. Then she resumed the position and unpaused the show.

Holy fuck.

I want this girl so bad, but I'm gonna go slow, even if it kills me. Yep, Heaven and Hell, rockin' it side by side. And I feel myself smiling because they both work just fine for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let’s Be Friends (Skin to Skin) by Bruce Springsteen

I been watchin’ you a long time

Tryin’ to figure out where and when

We been movin’ down that same line

Time is now maybe we could get skin to skin

Don’t know when this chance might come again

Good times got a way of comin’ to an end

Don’t know when this chance might come again

Good times got a way of slippin’ away

Baby let’s be friends

Come on let’s be friends

I know that we’re different you and me

Got a different way of walkin’

Time has come to let the past be history

Yeah if we could just start talkin’

Don’t know when this chance might come again

Good things got a way of comin’ to an end

Don’t know when this chance might come again

Good things got a way of slippin’ away

Baby let’s be friends

Come on let’s be friends

Baby let’s be friends

Come on let’s be friends

Baby let’s be friends

Let’s be friends

There’s a lot of talk goin’ ‘round now

Let’em talk you know you’re the only one

There’s a lot of walls need tearin’ down

Together we could take’em down one by one

Don’t know when this chance might come again

Good times got a way of comin’ to an end

Don’t know when this chance might come again

Good times got a way of slippin’ away

Baby let’s be friends

Come on let’s be friends…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love Hangover

Oh my God.

Okay, I think something…I mean, thinking is something I can do…What?

I stretch again, one of those full body ones where it feels so good, and then I snuggle back into the messiest bed I've ever been in. The bottom sheet keeps threatening to come off the mattress, the top one's sideways and on the ripped blanket that's mostly covering me. Two pillows are on the floor, another's under my head, and the last one is lying calmly next to me with a few pieces of its stuffing on top of the headboard. It's an impressive feat since the headboard is pretty crooked and has a medium-sized chunk torn off of it on the passenger side…which is my side.

I'm all alone and the sun is out all bright and sunny. My curtains block most of it, but there's this beautiful little beam shining on the driver's side of the bed…which is her side. And I stare at it because it doesn't take much effort at all for me to see her there all lit up like some goddess of lit-upness. I'd better stretch again.

The most interesting thing I've noticed so far this morning is that I have no bones in my body. My arms flop around, my head just lays on my pillow, and I know my legs couldn't hold me up if I paid them to. Not that I'm planning on ever getting up again, I'm just taking stock, making notes. Mental ones, not like the perfect one she left me on her side of the bed…the driver's side.

“B,

Had to run some classes. G-Man wouldn’t let it slide.

See you tonight, yeah?

F”

Yeah.

"Yeah" in every possible way. "Yeah" as in I'll be right here when you get back. "Yeah" meaning "yeah", you will see me. Tonight. “Yeah”. A thousand times "yeah".

I love the song I hear playing, then I realize it's me humming. I'm humming some happy song I just made up because I'm happy. My face feels weird because I'm also smiling while I'm humming, and I'm kind of proud since that's not easy to do. Plus I'm right in rhythm, right on the beat. Okay, yes, I don't know what beat exactly, but there seems to be a pulsing between my legs and it's definitely got a beat.

I had sex with Faith last night and here in the glorious morning after, I am basking all over the place – happy, satisfied, boneless, content, lazy, happy, satisfied, and blown away. What we did, what she did…I don't know what I've been doing all of these years, I don't know what everybody else has been doing all of these years, but I do know that none of us have been doing it like that. And certainly not when we’re with me.

I loved Angel so much and…um…he got me ready just great, but then he finished a little too soon. I don't blame him because he hadn't had sex in about a hundred years, so his control was a little on the lacking side. He was embarrassed, but I told him we had all the time in the world and that I just wanted to cuddle. And we did – cuddle, not have all the time in the world.

Parker was next and don't make me laugh. He couldn't have cared less about me, if I got there. The only thing on his mind was making sure he got there, and in retrospect, I realize I could have been anyone, maybe even an inanimate object. Or a barnyard animal.

Then Riley showed up, and he was so sweet, so tender, and so absolutely the man a "normal" Buffy would have happily lived out the rest of her life with. He wanted nothing more than to make me feel good and he did in a lot of ways, but it was never exactly earthshaking. Well, maybe it was for him and I certainly appreciated the effort he always made, but there was something pretty big missing. And no, I don't mean that.

Spike and I reached several peaks with each other, but it never really made me feel good. There was just too much guilt and fear, and while that sort of thing brings its own hotness to an affair, it also made sex weird and not all that pleasurable. I was too messed up, too depressed, and eventually I stopped feeling anything at all when I was with him…which had been the whole point of the relationship in the first place. Plus vampires? Ice cold.

The problem I've had with every guy since Spike is that no matter how hard I try to make it clear it has nothing to do with their skills, they all think it does anyway. I explain it's different for me because I'm different, although truthfully some of them couldn't satisfy even a normal woman, let alone a Slayer. Combine that pressure with the fact that I never need help opening a jar, apparently the worst insult ever to the male ego, well, it's "Testosterone Dummies on Parade" way more than I'd like.

But I've learned to play the game, at least the one I can play. A few noises at the right time, the strategic use of some perfectly placed Slayer muscles, and everybody's happy. We cuddle and then when my partner falls asleep, I either sneak out for some much needed slaying or I just take care of myself in the bathroom. That makes everything a lot easier for everyone, but I absolutely refuse to pretend I can't open a jar of mayonnaise. Even I've got limits.

But it turns out that sex isn't supposed to be like that. Nope, not even close. And I need to stretch and smile and hum and pulsate bonelessly again. And repeat that move over and over as I smile so hard my face hurts.

I had sex with Faith last night for the first time ever, and I want to do it again. In fact, I think we should enter one of those dance marathons like they did in the old days, but with sex instead. We'll be Couple #69 and we'll win hands down.

For awhile it seemed like we weren't ever going to do it because things were a little tense at first. I definitely wanted her, I'd admitted that and I wasn't trying to hide it. But I did want to keep a little bit of dignity if I could and I was also scared – of her being her, of me being me, of us being us and maybe doing something that would ruin our friendship. That's right: just give me some time and enough rope, and I can tie myself into knots better than anyone.

The sex part of it was kind of nerve wracking too, but not really that big of a deal in one way. I've certainly had enough sex in my life to understand how it works, but of course I'd never had it with another woman before. On the other hand, I'd been fantasizing about having sex with Faith on and off for years, so the idea wasn't totally shocking.

I knew it was going to be different in real life, so yes, I was a little anxious about the actual specifics. But I was a lot less nervous than a lot of people would expect me to be. Besides, it's Faith. I knew she'd be happy to teach me whatever I needed to know, and I've always been a fast learner.

As for how it made me feel personally, I didn't really care if it was officially going to make me a lesbian or a bisexual or some other "something different". I don't really care how I'm labeled, I got over that a long time ago. California cheerleader, delinquent daughter, Sunnydale High weirdo, The Slayer, that's me. Adding "Faith's lover" to the list? Yep, it's still me, and I'm just fine with all of that.

Besides, the truth of it is: I've always been gay for Faith. I had the hots for her right from the start, and I don't see how that makes me any different from anybody else who's ever seen her. She's Faith, and that's the only explanation that makes any sense.

That night after our dance, we went our separate ways, which I don't think is exactly what either of us was expecting. Faith took me home, there was more kissing that led right into groping, rubbing, and squeezing, and then I pulled away.

"Faith…"

She let me step back, but she didn't let go of me completely.

"Where ya goin'?"

"I don't know exactly. I just know when you kiss me, I can't think."

Her smile just made me…something.

"Sounds good to me."

“It sounds perfect, but I want to think. I need to think, Faith, at least at the beginning. This is…it's important."

Her smile stayed right where it was, but now she was shy.

"It is?"

"Of course it is. I'd just like to slow down a little, make sure we do it right."

"Trust me, B – we're gonna do it so right, we could give lessons."

Wow.

"Wow. Okay, yes. You go away now."

"One sec…"

She tugged me right up against her and kissed me again. Her tongue teased mine and all I could think about was how Faith was the best kisser ever.

"Night, B. I'll see ya tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow…whatever your name is."

She laughed as she walked to her room, and I stood staring after her as she disappeared behind the closed door. I don't know how long it took before I remembered to go inside my own room.

I couldn't sleep, big surprise there, so I eventually got up and got a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Tony the Tiger always comes through for me, except that night he acted more like a pepperoni pizza instead of a cute, harmless bowl of cereal. I went back to bed hoping to have the restful sleep of the pure and the just, and instead I had the most graphic, realistic sex dream I've ever had.

I woke up in a sweat, my body still tingling, and I couldn't get back to sleep until it was almost time to get up. I was late for the Staff meeting, but Faith wasn't. She was sitting in her favorite chair, the one slightly off to the side of Giles' desk. Her leg was flung casually over one of the arms and the instant our eyes met, I knew.

It hadn't been just a regular “Buffy” dream, no such luck. It had been a Slayer dream, and one obviously shared by the Slayer who looked like she wanted to do all of those things to me right where I stood. I blushed so deeply, even Giles noticed and thankfully misunderstood:

"Good Lord, Buffy, sit down! I thought we'd agreed that this abysmal heat wave ruled out your taking the new girls for a run, even so early in…"

I tuned him out. Faith was no longer looking at me, but the grin on her face was so irritating and intimate, I felt my body responding to her.

"…outgrown this sort of defiance. Here, drink this water slowly. We don't need you in the infirmary again simply because…"

"Giles, I don't need cold water. I'm…"

"Look wicked hot, B. Better cool off like G-Man says."

I wanted to slap her at least twice and then do all kinds of other stuff to her. Instead I took the glass from Giles and sat down. She smirked the entire time and I became angrier as the minutes plodded by. It didn't help that it was the longest meeting ever and when it finally ended, I ran like a girl.

I successfully avoided her all afternoon, evening, and patrol. I stayed in my suite and cleaned everything, my mind occupied with nothing more important than wondering why all of the best kitchen cleaners were lemon scented. By bedtime the place was sparkling clean and lemonized to within an inch of its life.

I turned off the kitchen lights and went to check the locks on the door for probably the five hundredth time since I'd begun hiding. I immediately saw the folded piece of paper that had been slid underneath the door and I snatched it up, already reading as I stood.

"Sweet dreams, B."

I laughed even though it pissed me off, and I flung the door open because I was in a sudden rush to tell her that she wasn't bothering me. I could be cool too, and I was nothing but calm as I hurried out the door like a crazy woman to prove it.

My rushing stopped just a few steps after I'd started when I noticed I wasn't alone. Faith was leaning casually against the wall next to my door, her arms crossed over her chest. She looked like she had nothing better to do than stand in the hallway all sexy and amused.

"Lookin' for me, B?"

She was so cocky my urge to slap her roared back, but I refused to let her see how rattled I was.

"No."

"You sure? 'Cause it really looks like…"

"Well, I'm not."

She smiled:

"You're not sure or you're not looking?"

"Neither. Both. Whatever, Faith."

She pushed off the wall and walked over to me.

"My mistake then. Guess I'll let you get back to whatever you were doin'."

My voice came out way louder than I wanted it to:

"I was going to sleep!"

"In the hall? Know you got a cozy bed for two in your…"

"Fuck you, Faith."

I whirled around and went back into my room, her laughter in my ears and on my skin and inside some very personal places. As I slammed the door, I heard her final smart ass comment:

"See ya in a few, B."

But she didn't because I stayed awake all night. It was stupid, but I was all flustered and freaked out and making absolutely no sense. At 6:45 a.m. there was a knock on my door. I opened it to find Faith holding a brown bag from "Petey's" as well as two huge coffees.

She strode in just like she always did.

"Here."

She thrust one of the coffees at me and headed into the kitchen. I heard the cupboard open, then she came back holding a large plate piled high with pastries. She was sipping her own life sustaining drink when she almost literally put the food on the coffee table. She corrected the tilt in time and collapsed down onto the couch.

She grabbed one of the blueberry muffins and took a gigantic bite. If I hadn't had so much practice with this scenario over the years, I wouldn't have been able to understand her. As it was, I had not the slightest bit of trouble:

"Mmm…fuck that's good. Dig in, Princess, They're still warm."

I sat down next to her and took one of the apple fritters I loved. It was delicious and I devoured it quickly, then took another. We ate in silence until there was nothing left, and then Faith let out a satisfied sigh.

"Fuck, those things are so good, they oughta sell'em."

I laughed and put down my empty coffee as she gave me her still half full cup. She pulled a throw pillow from behind her and placed it on her lap, and for the first time since this had all started, she actually looked nervous.

"So, B, I was thinking we gotta talk."

"Talk?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, a dream like that…"

"Dream?"

Great, my old stalling tactic of repeating things as a question had decided to spring into action.

"…isn't exactly run of the mill."

"Run of the mill?"

"B, could you stop with the echo?"

I almost said "echo", but I managed to control myself. Clearly I needed to be mature and at least pretend to be a grown-up. We had a situation, and it was a situation I was basically happy with…except that I was acting like a moron. We needed to figure out what everything meant and what we were doing. Plus I definitely did not want to spend another day cleaning because it was so not my idea of fun, and...I realized she was waiting for me to speak:

"Sorry. I think we need to talk too."

"Great. So who goes first?"

"You?"

I said it hopefully, but Faith's expression was like I'd just said I loved newbie patrol.

"No, think you have to."

"Why me? You're the one…"

She was shaking her head:

"'Scuse me – was you who made us have that dream, then hid out all day and got pissed at me when I came by to talk after patrol."

"Me? I didn't make us dream that!"

"Well, it sure as hell wasn't me."

"Yes it was! I don't even know how to do some of those things, so it was clearly all you and…"

She kissed me then, and I shut up. I melted right into her, my body fitting perfectly snug against hers. It went on for a while, and she was the one who eased back.

"Look B, I'll go first if that's what you need, okay? It's just that I've never talked shit over with anybody before, you know? I'm all fuck and go, so this isn't really my kinda…"

I kissed her this time, cutting off her explanation. God, she really was so nice to me. No wonder I wanted to fuck her brains right out of her head.

We made out for a long time and it felt like such a relief. Just to touch her, smell her, taste her, and hear those little sounds of pleasure and want she made. It was like a tiny slice of heaven, and we had to stop…again.

"Okay, okay…Faith, stop for a sec."

"Don't wanna."

She mumbled that into my neck, her teeth latching on and her tongue swirling softly enough to make me question my stupid decision to focus on the talking.

"Faith…"

"Could fuckin' eat you…top to bottom."

I jumped because she nipped my throat at the same time her hands dropped to my butt and pulled me closer.

"Faith…God."

"Certain circles, yeah."

I was desperate, fading fast, so I decided to jerk her back by her hair. My fingers betrayed me at the first touch, threading their way through the silky, sexy, thicky…

"I can't…Faith, I can't…think…please…"

"…Fuck!"

She let go of me and stood up, an abrupt action that almost dumped me on the floor. She ran her hand through her hair making me jealous, and blew out a long breath.

"Man, you're like crack, but worse. Slayer crack."

"I understand, but we need…"

"Yeah, I know – to talk. Okay, stay there."

She pulled the chair up next to the couch until it was facing me and then sat down.

We talked, and just like that Faith and I began dating. Like daters. And despite the fact that I'm still sort of freaked out by the idea of it, the action of it is so amazingly great. I can't remember the last time I've felt so…so…everything.

I'm happy all the time, even when I'm angry or scared or confused. It's like no matter what else is going on, I have this wonderful thing to look forward to. Everything else has just sort of been sliding off my back and now thoughts of sliding make me think of how soft and smooth Faith's skin is on mine and…Cue the drool and other things.

We both wanted to keep it kind of private, me more than Faith, but she wasn't upset about hiding it. We each had our suspicions that even though she was a full-fledged Scooby Gang member, us being together might stir up some bad memories and maybe even raise a few old fears to the surface. Neither of us wanted to deal with that just yet, especially not when we weren't even sure what we were doing.

Faith summed it up perfectly:

"Be plenty of time later for the peanut gallery to chip in. Let's just be me and you first."

So we downplayed everything and told the witnesses that she'd just kissed me on a dare. Although they didn't seem all that convinced, they let it go without too much of an interrogation. They all like Faith and I think maybe they understood that if something really was happening, it was probably in everyone's best interest to give us some space without adding any more pressure than we already had.

The worst that happened was that Willow gave me a talking to, “Willow” style. She told me to be careful since Faith seemed to be, as she put it: "a great girl despite being so totally non-monogamous, at least in the past, and I'm not making any judgments because there's nothing wrong with seeing lots of people only once if that's what you want to do and you're careful and not hurting anyone or yourself." It irritated me a little, but I understood that she was simply performing her best friend duties. She didn't want me to get hurt, and how could I blame her for that?

So with that hurdle and a couple of our own cleared, Faith and I began dating. We still did all of the normal "friend" things we'd always done, but now there was the dating stuff mixed in with it too. Faith wooed me and she was a master at it. She'd knock on my door, then like a magician she'd pull a rose out from underneath her jacket. She'd have a bottle of my favorite wine hidden tightly against her side or a half gallon of Rocky Road in the bag behind her back, and the second the door was closed, she would kiss me like nobody's business.

She ate whatever I cooked and just like always, she pretended it was good. We shared meals with no change from how it'd been for years, except now her hand often found mine across the table and she always pulled my chair out for me when we sat down to eat. She still brought over a large grocery bag once a week, stuffed with everything she needed to make her famous "Chosen Two Chili", but now the bag also included a bouquet of daffodils…my favorites.

Last night had been our three week anniversary. We'd stayed in because it was raining like crazy out, and neither of us felt like patrolling when we knew the bad guys were staying home as well. Instead we snuggled in on my couch and watched TV.

I don't have a clue what was on, we spent almost the entire time making out. We started off slow, just kisses and maybe a little groping here and there, but it didn't take long for me to get all revved up. Faith kept it slow though, like we had forever. She didn't pressure me and I didn't feel weird or nervous, everything just seemed natural. Then my top was off and one of her hands was fiddling with the clasp of my bra, which seemed nothing but good.

She was still fully clothed, another thing that seemed perfectly normal as her hand left the back of my bra and slid smoothly up to the front. It cupped my breast and squeezed while her other hand found its companion and began stroking so lightly it was like she was barely even there. Every time her fingertips brushed across my nipple, I inhaled and thrust up towards her. Her tongue was still busy exploring my mouth, twirling around and darting in and out like it was where she belonged.

When she tried to pull back, I tightened my hold on her hair and wouldn't let her go. She winced and made this noise that sounded like she was in pain, but I didn't care. I knew she wasn't in agony and I didn't want her leaving before I got the chance to do some things to her too.

"B…"

I tried to regain the connection our mouths were so obviously made for, but she kept dodging me.

"B..."

Her hands left my breasts, grabbing my arms and pulling me away from her. I made a whine of protest, I actually heard myself and I should have been embarrassed, but I didn't care. If I'd have been standing, I so would have stamped my foot at the interruption.

It got worse. She ignored me and stood up, slipping into her jacket and crazily putting more clothes in my way.

"Guess I should get goin’. Had a good time tonight, B."

I stood up too, aware that my bra was uneven and that one of my nipples was on display beneath its cup.

"Me too."

"Yeah, food was great."

"The best. Remind me to keep a closer eye on my pizza next time."

She was moving, headed for the door for some reason I couldn't quite figure out.

"Too bad, Blondie. You snooze, you lose at least two slices."

I laughed as I followed her to the door. What in the hell was going on? Why were we talking about pizza? Where was she going?

We stood where we were, her facing the closed door and me facing her. Somehow the air had become electric, just like it sometimes did between us, but this time it was way more intense. It wasn't scary though, it was comforting and familiar somehow.

"B…"

I didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say. Her grip tightened on the doorknob, her other hand ready to turn the deadbolt and make her escape.

"I have to go or I'm…I can't…"

I pressed against her from behind, my hands on hers as I slowly pulled them away from the door.

"Don't go, Faith. Stay with me."

She turned then and I could see everything on her face, in her eyes.

"B, if you're still not ready…"

I kissed her and guided her hands back to my body. It didn't take much effort on my part, Faith was more than happy with the change. We kissed violently, our lips grinding, our teeth bumping and it felt so good. I slid my hands under her jacket and pushed it down her arms. It hung between us awkwardly until I forced her to let go of me. It hit the floor and she stumbled over it as her hands ripped my bra in two.

There was half a bra hooked over each of my shoulders, and I quickly lowered my arms to shake free. Faith made this noise like a groan and just took charge. She led me backwards into my bedroom, her hands filled with my breasts as she kissed me. I only knew we'd made it to the bed when I felt the mattress bumping against the back of my knees.

I was completely fixated on the way her shoulder muscles flexed and relaxed as my touch changed, and how she shivered every time my nails raked lightly down her back. I kept experimenting, but it didn't last nearly as long as I wanted it to.

We fell onto the bed, but it was like we did it in slow motion. She never stopped kissing me and I started trying to shove her shirt off without breaking away from her. She didn't seem all that interested, but before I knew it and with no assistance from me, we were both naked. She kissed me hard as our bodies slid and fit against each other, and I'd never felt anything that good in my whole life.

She was so strong and so warm; the heat just pouring off of her, especially between her legs. I felt my own answering fire flare up as she kissed down my body slowly, her teeth latching on in spots, her tongue licking up the sweat it found. She made it down to just below my navel and a tremor went through her, a big one. Before I could ask, she was back and we were face to face.

She looked wild, wilder than I'd ever seen her before, and that's saying a lot. Her eyes were bright and alive, she seemed almost out of control. I should have been scared, but I wasn't scared. Instead I felt at home because somehow, to me, Faith looked just like she was supposed to. It was like I was finally seeing the real her for the first time, and I loved the view.

I think she thought she was scaring me, or maybe she just thought I was nervous because the moment had finally arrived. Whatever the cause, she slowed and smiled, a friendly smile, and she gently pushed some damp hair back from my face with a shaky hand.

"B, I promise I won't do anything you don't want me to."

I couldn't speak; that had to be the sexiest thing I'd ever heard in my whole life, but she misunderstood my silence.

"Buffy, if you don't wanna do this, it's okay. I'm not gonna be upset, I swear. If you wanna stop…"

I pulled her head down so I could let my lips do the talking and I wrapped my legs around her thighs. I felt her smile into the kiss and then Faith and I had sex.

It was like…like something wild and good, and messy and dirty. It was everything and nothing I'd ever experienced before. She went everywhere, like my body was her playground, and I learned that every spot on me was designed to bring me pleasure. My skin was on fire – tingling, burning, aching for her touch. I came fast and crazy, like: "Call Somebody Because Buffy is Going Insane" came, and then I came again.

I can't even guess how many times I got there, I lost count early in the festivities. Or maybe I only came once and it lasted for hours, who knows? What I do know is that Faith Lehane fucked me up one side and down the other, spun me in a circle, and did it all again and again. She was better than every lover I've ever had combined, and she made them all look like pretenders who didn't have the first clue.

The best thing of all, besides the ten thousand orgasms of orgasmic orgasming, was how she made sure we stayed in step. She waited for me when she needed to, drove me on when I thought I was done, and always we were together. By the time it was all over, I couldn't have moved if everyone's life had depended on it. I have never been so satisfied, so spent, so perfectly partnered with anyone. I think I actually passed out twice.

It turns out that sex isn't just about being close with someone. It's not some sneaky action in the bathroom to protect a fragile ego, it's not about slaying, and it's not about just going through the motions. Sex is an all-consuming pleasure fest of pleasure. It's surrender and it's passion, it's want and need and lust and anger and violence and tenderness and fingers in new places. It's tongues where they've never been before and God, don't even get me started on what tongues can do. Because tongues? I will bow and kneel to tongues for the rest of my life.

What sex is is your body wide open, shaking, quivering, thrusting uncontrollably, being led on a wild search for satisfaction. Sex is painfully rough hands demanding, then turning tender and soothing as they tease out a response. Sex is knees that fit so snug and rub just right, legs that tangle and parts that meet and make you strive to reach the same high together.

It's words, dirty and nasty words that let me know exactly what she was doing to me, what she was going to do to me. And it's words, the most beautiful words I've ever heard telling me how amazing I am, how perfect, how beautiful. Sex is a broad overview broken down into the parts of my sum:

“Fuck, you taste so good…don’t ever wanna stop.”

“Your skin’s so soft, smooth…could touch you forever.”

“Your eyes, B…they’re like whole worlds.”

She praised everything about me, soothed me, dared me, whispered words of encouragement, affection, and awe:

"You're so beautiful, don't hold back. Let me see you, let me feel you. Give me everything you've got, Buffy. Let it go, I want it all."

And she really did, so I gave it to her. I unleashed my power, everything that's in me, and Faith dove in and took it. Every ounce I had, everything I was, she took it all without flinching and she stayed right with me all of the way.

She's so strong, Slayer strong, and she handled me like only she can. She forced me into positions and held me in ways no one else ever could. Her touches were everywhere on the scale from rough to gentle, and she made me be still, made me move, made me hers until the pleasure overwhelmed me again and again.

When it was finally over, I was wrapped in her arms. I was only vaguely aware of that, I was way too drained to claim any sort of conscious consciousness. But I did feel her lips kissing the top of my head and her hand rubbing soothingly against my back. I definitely remember the warm feeling of her skin against my cheek, breasts, stomach, and leg as I draped myself on and against her.

Then it was all just warmth and darkness and the most restful sleep I've had in forever. When I woke up, I should have freaked. She wasn't there which had to mean she used me or she went all evil, but no, she hadn't done either of those things. Her perfect note explained it all, and I would have hated Giles for being such a taskmaster if I wasn't all sexed up and in love with the whole wide world.

Time to stretch again and wallow. The dust is floating around in the shaft of sunlight that's just beaming in from the window. It's so pretty, like fairy dust or sparkly…somethings. It's so magical, I wonder why I've never noticed it before.

I roll over and bury my face in her side of the bed and inhale deeply. Wow, who knew I could pulse and beat even deeper and faster? The bed smells like Faith, all sexy and masterful and capable of giving me an orgasm any time she feels like it. And her side is all warm, just like her…just like a driver's side should be with the sun beating down on it.

Faith and I had sex last night.

Oh my God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love Hangover by Diana Ross

If there’s a cure for this

I don’t want it, don’t want it

If there’s a remedy

I’ll run from it, run from it

Think about it all the time

Never let it out of my mind

‘Cause I love you

I’ve got the sweetest hangover

I don’t wanna get over

Sweetest hangover

Yeah…

I don’t wanna get over

I don’t wanna get

I don’t wanna get…over

Ooh, I don’t need no cure

I don’t need no cure

I don’t need no cure

Sweet love hangover

Sweet sweet love

Sweet, sweet love hangover

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet love

Don’t call my doctor

Don’t call no mama

Don’t call no preacher

No, I don’t need it

Don’t want it

Sweet love, I love you

Sweet love, need love hangover

If there’s a cure for this

I don’t want it

I don’t want it no, no I don’t want it

If there’s a cure for this

I don’t need it

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet love hangover

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Four

I Should Have Known Better

I'm being tortured by B. Well, okay, she's not actually torturing me, least not in the real sense of the word. But trust me, it's definitely torture just the same. I'm laying in bed and B is, as she put it: "getting to know me".

How'd I end up in a sitch like this? I agreed to it because I guess I'm some kinda fucking idiot or somethin’. B said it was only fair and then she was being all "Buffy" on me, and the bottom line is I'm now all jacked up.

Last night me and B had sex for the first time…times…and man, oh man, what a fucking night it was. And I mean it just like that. I've imagined us going at it ever since I met her, so it's only natural that doing the deed for real was gonna have to be a little bit of a letdown. No way could it ever live up to my fantasies.

Right. About that…

There was no letdown anywhere in sight at any time. It went way the hell past anything I ever came up with and headed right into the "Fucking Shoot Me in the Freakin' Head This is So Fucking Fantastic" category, and that was just for starters. It just kept going, getting better and better, like some kinda urban myth you just know has gotta be a lie, but then you find out that shit really happened.

We'd still be going if I hadn't made myself stop. I didn't wanna kill her our first time out, not the second time either…which this is, if you're keeping score by days and not actual separate screwings. I've got no clue what number we're on if you're going by incidents.

Last night I took charge, and what a ride. B'd never been with a girl before, so I figured it was up to me to steer her the right way, show her the ropes a little. Nothing wrong with that, 'sides when it comes to sex I'm always in charge, on top, in control, whatever anybody wants to call it. That's just the way I am.

Add in that I was a little on the excited side…Well, let's just say I made sure B stayed a pillow queen the whole night through. I had her coming like there was no tomorrow and I never let up on her 'cause I wanted it to be the best she'd ever had. She musta come ten times, and that's not counting the little ones either. I fucked her 'til she was out cold, and yeah, don't hold your applause 'til the end. I like hearing it all the way through.

It was all about her and that was just how I wanted it to be. 'Sides, I got off plenty. Just being with her was enough to have me losing it. And as the night rolled on I helped myself along as necessary. B's got some sexy as fuck knees and thighs, and we matched up just perfect in other places too. It was a good night, my best ever by a landslide, and all I wanted was to do it all over again.

Leaving her alone in bed when the morning showed up actually hurt. I begged G-Man to let me skip my "extremely important responsibilities", but he was an asshole about it.

"Faith, unless you can give me a reason, I must insist that you…"

"I gave you a reason already, three fucking times!"

"Well I'm sorry, but I don't consider: 'G-Man, I got way better things to do' a sufficient explanation at all."

What was I supposed to say to the guy?

"Yeah, hey. I fucked B last night for like fifty hours and I'm gonna do it all again today. Don't call us, we'll call you."

Last I heard we were still keeping it secret, and since we haven't talked yet about any status change, I had to pull myself away from the only place I will ever wanna be. It took me like twenty minutes to do it, so I was late for my first class. No big, the kids sure as fuck didn't give a shit, but Giles was standing in the back waiting like he didn't trust I was gonna show. If he only knew I had to slip out from under B's arm and leg, feeling her pussy rubbing against me the whole way, he might have a little more respect.

I left her the stupidest note, it was like the sixth one I wrote. The others were too much –me telling her what a great night I had, how she was the most beautiful woman in the world, how I couldn't wait to be with her again, and how I loved her so much she was probably gonna need a restraining order from now on.

But it all seemed too over the top and too fast. It wasn't the time to start going on about how much I loved her. I didn't wanna scare her, ‘specially since we'd just had our first fuck. She was already dealing with plenty as it was, no sense shoveling more on top of her. And just because I was wanting to go another round, maybe she wasn't or maybe she needed some time to adjust…or how the fuck would I know?

I just knew that I didn't wanna blow it by pushing too fast and maybe having Buffy get all worked…Then I was on my ass and that little bitch Satsu was grinning down at me. She always waits until B distracts me, then tags me one. I usually like a dirty fighter, it's smart, but not when it's me who's getting schooled. Plus I know why she's got the red ass: she wants B.

Well sorry, fucker, that ain't ever gonna happen 'less I'm dead and I won't know about it then, so yeah…never gonna happen. I acted like I was getting up, but instead I swiped her legs out from under her. That smart ass smirk was gone along with all of her air as she hit the mats hard. I pinned her, leaned down and whispered into her ear:

"Feel for ya, but won't stop me from endin' ya either. Back off, kid."

She knew exactly what I meant, but she wasn't scared at all:

"Fuck you."

See? That's why I like her so much, she's got balls. Shame I'm gonna have to cut'em off at some point, but today's not that day. Instead I just laughed and hopped up, pulling her along for the ride. Least she's got great taste in women.

The day dragged on like time was tag teaming with Giles to try and kill me. When it came to an end, which was about twenty-five minutes sooner than the clock said, and screw that because the fucker'd been fucking with me for hours, I headed to my place for a quick shower and a clean-up. I was hoping Buffy wasn't freaking so bad she didn't wanna see me at all, but I knew it was a definite possibility.

When I got to my room, I noticed two things right away. One – I got slammed hard against the front door as soon as I shut it, and two – Buffy's tongue was down my throat so she probably wasn't freaking and would be okay with seeing me. We went at it for a couple, then I pulled back as much as I could since I was smashed against a solid wood door.

"B…"

Nothing. Buffy was obviously not interested in communicating with words.

"B…I need…"

"Me too."

Her hands were in my hair and her knee came up between my legs, actually lifting me off the ground. I groaned and she smiled against my throat as she began kissing her way along.

"But I was gonna shower and…"

"Were you?"

Just the way she said that got me all fired up. It was so fucking sexy, like she didn't give a shit what I wanted, like she was in charge. I started stuttering like a moron:

"W…well, yeah…I wanted…I mean…I was gonna…"

"Change of plans, F. I like you like this."

Just like that I was at full speed. I tried to move away from the door again which didn't work great since my feet were still off the floor. I shifted 'til I felt my toes touching, but all the squirming did was rub my sweats along B's leg, bunching them up and against me in just the right place.

That meant I had my legs under me again, but they weren't too interested in holding me up. Which was okay because B lifted me again, and this time my groan came out as a really loud and long moan. She laughed sexy and low, and her lips brushed against my ear when she whispered:

"And where do you think you're going?"

My whole body jumped at that. Then we were kissing again and at some point we made it to my bed which B had put clean sheets on. We fell down kinda hard, Buffy on top, and she smiled at me. She was beautiful, and all I wanted was to keep her happy and smiling forever…which is the pussy attitude that got me in the mess I'm in.

My hands are holding tight to the headboard and I'm not allowed to use'em. Buffy wanted to explore, wanted to look and feel and taste without interruption, and she begged me to let her. Okay, all she did was kiss me and ask, but in my book I'm gonna call it "begging". I gotta have some pride someplace.

It's pretty clear things have changed. I'm dealing with Buffy now, so I gotta be ready to do shit different, shake it up a little, learn to be patient and relax…but for fuck's sake, it's a clit, okay? You touch it, rub it, suck it…you do some damn thing to it before I go outta my fucking mind.

She's got her own in the exact same place, so why the hell do we need a big drawn out exam? It's like she's never seen or felt one before and I'm supposed to just lay here and not even…Oh man, that was so sweet. She kissed it all soft and gentle.

Okay, I guess I can keep quiet and not move all over the place or grab her and show her the right way to examine things. It's only fair since this is all so new to her, and it makes sense that she wants to look around and see the sights. Gotta say she's seein' some damn fine ones 'cause I got it goin' on from any and every angle. I'm not being conceited either, it's just that I'm really hot and…God damn, her teeth got a hold and her tongue's just resting on the tip.

She's not moving, but I sorta jerk. I can't help it. She makes a noise like a warning and then her tongue starts swirling around. We both hear the headboard matching me squeak for squeak and she laughs, which makes me jump again 'cept I can't because B's got an iron grip on my hips.

It feels weird to move, but not budge at all. Usually when I wanna move, I move, but then I don't usually have another Slayer holding me in place either. She's making it clear that I'm doing what she tells me to do, and I can't say I don't like it. It's wicked hot, and even though it should be kinda scary, I'm not scared…not with Buffy.

Her tongue is perfect, but that's not what makes me come. Nope, it's the feeling of her hair brushing against my thighs. It sends me skyrocketing and I vaguely feel her pulling back to watch me. When I'm done, she smiles and heads right back in. Jesus, this exploring shit is amazing.

I don't have a clue how long it goes before she's back and looking me in the eye.

"Okay, I think I have a better understanding now of where things are."

"Are you talkin' to me? ‘Cause my brain dribbled out about twenty minutes ago."

"Oh, is that what that was?"

I laugh and she kisses me, rolling onto her back and pulling me into her arms. I snuggle in like a total girl, my head on her chest, my arm and leg flung over her all loose and relaxed.

"Besides, you have nerve after last night, F. I still haven't recovered."

"You liked it?"

I hear and feel her purr right against my cheek.

"'Liked'? Faith, it was a life altering experience. I had no idea sex could even be like that."

"Didn't want you missing out, Princess."

"You were amazing…incredible…mind blowing…amazingly, incredibly mind-blowing."

I lifted my head and scooted up a little so I could look her in the eye.

"So did you miss me today?"

"Miss you? You mean you weren't here?"

I slid all the way over until I was on top of her.

"Really wanna play it that way?"

"All I'm saying is I didn't notice you weren't…"

I started tickling her and she tried to shove me off. No way was that happening.

"Faith! Stop!"

"Not 'til ya admit you missed me."

"Stop!"

"I'm seeing a bed pissing in your future, B."

She was all red and messed up, gasping for air as she tried to quit laughing.

"You're…such a…bitch…"

"Whatever, better just 'fess up."

We struggled for maybe another minute, but she couldn't bust free and I wasn't stopping. She finally caved:

"Okay, yes, I missed you!"

"Yeah?"

"Yes!"

I stopped the tickling, but I didn't move off of her. I pushed some of her hair back from her face and smiled at her.

"For real, B?"

Her hands, which I'd let loose of, hung over my shoulders and met behind my neck.

"Of course for real. I haven't thought of anything but you all day, hence the enthusiastic greeting."

"Yeah, that was really somethin’. Even better than having a dog waiting for me."

She pulled my head down closer:

"Last night was so wonderful, Faith."

"For me too. Was like a dream that stays good the whole way through."

She kissed me all soft and sweet and girly.

"You're beautiful. You know that, right?"

"Sure, B. Always been wicked hot and…"

Her lips met mine again, cutting me off.

"Don't do that. You know what I mean. Everything about you is beautiful, inside and…"

I started to get up because she was making me uncomfortable and wouldn't let me blow her off with a joke. She held me right where I was.

"Hey?"

It took me a few to meet her eyes.

"You don't need to hide from me. I see you, Faith."

"Guess maybe you do."

"And I see how hard you are on yourself sometimes. We both are."

"So it's a Slayer thing? Then how come Kennedy can't be harder on herself?"

Her smile was back and she loosened her grip on me, although I knew she could go all Tough Girl on me again at any second.

"I'm thinking maybe it's something we could work on together."

"Sure…long as we can do other stuff together too."

Moving my hips like I was made it obvious just what I wanted us to work on.

"…God, you can do that all night."

"Well, had some other things in mind too, but this is pretty good."

We ended up doing "other things" like five times, counting the shower we took together. All too soon it was time to go do our jobs, so I got out and dressed first. I went to her room and grabbed some shit she needed, then sat in the chair by the bed and watched her getting ready. Damn, does B ever clean up nice. By the time she was finished, she looked all professional and it was crazy hot.

I had trouble keeping my hands off her and I messed up her makeup enough that she had to go fix it. She was pissed at me, as much as she could be when she was smiling so big.

"You're worse than a man, Faith. No more kissing me."

I waited until she was done, then faked a move. She let out this cute girly squeal of terror, but her body didn't budge. I just kissed the top of her head.

"You look great, B. I'll be good."

She seemed kinda disappointed at the news, but she nodded and thanked me as she grabbed her keys. They hit the floor and when she bent over to get'em, I was right behind her.

"Damn, wish I had a strap-on."

Her whole body did this jolty thing and I let her straighten up just enough to ease any pull on her back muscles. Then I grabbed her hips and pushed flush against her as I moved mine in a slow, tight circle.

"Faith…"

I leaned over to nuzzle into her neck:

"You smell so good, B. Let's get back in bed…"

She actually considered it, at least her body did. She moaned and thrust back into me, her hips matching mine move for move, her hands coming up to lay on my arms.

"I wish we could…"

I kissed along her neck, breathing out my comments into her ear and making her shiver with every word:

"We can. Just gotta walk about five steps…take off our clothes…and…"

"I…I have to meet the parents."

"Tell'em you were busy savin' the world."

That made her crack up. The last Parent Meet and Greet, B had shown up covered in demon blood and guts, carrying a head in a bowling ball bag to show Giles. She'd totally forgotten that twelve parents were waiting for her in his office. Two of the moms passed out, one of the dads too, and Giles had some wicked damage control to do that night.

"Somehow that never seems to impress them like you'd think."

"Well I'm impressed, B. Fact is: everything you do impresses me."

She turned her head, kissed my cheek and then pulled loose:

"I need to go, and you do too. The newbies can't take themselves out on patrol."

"Sure they can. Or better yet, I'll palm'em off on Rona or Vi."

"They need you and Giles needs me. We have to go."

I let out a huge dramatic sigh:

"Yeah great, everybody's 'special needs'. Had no clue fuckin' the boss would be so hard."

"Well, it has its perks too."

"Yeah, your headlights can't be any perkier."

She was busy checking herself out in the mirror.

"Meet back here when we're done?"

"Maybe at yours would be better. I don't have anything…"

"In your fridge. Big surprise."

"Hey! I always eat at your place."

"Don't I know it? They have a name for people like you."

I stuck my tits out at her and turned on the charm:

"Sexpot?"

"Moocher."

"Damn right! I can smooch your ass off, Blondie."

Her hand grazed my breast as she walked past me.

"Bed's still right there, B."

She thought about it again, I saw her eyes glaze over, but she straightened her shoulders and that was that. The Slayer was on the clock.

"Let's go."

Before we went out into the hall we tried to make ourselves look normal, like we were just two friends who'd been hanging out. We still hadn't talked, but it was okay. I'd rather fuck than talk anyway, even though I was wondering how long we were gonna have to be a secret. There was no time for any questions, let alone answers, and I still wasn't gonna rush her. We'd get to it when we did, so I tried to just put it outta my mind and act like I was supposed to.

We walked together as far as we could, but then I needed to peel off for the side entrance and she needed to head to Giles' office. We stopped and she turned to face me.

"So…"

"So I'll see ya after patrol at yours."

"I can't wait. Be careful, okay?"

"B, careful's my middle name."

"This from the woman whose best plan is still counting to three."

We both laughed at that and I took a step towards her, but then a couple Potentials came down the hall. I stepped back to let'em pass and put some distance between me and B. No PDAs allowed, plus she was still rockin' the make-up.

"Okay, I'd better go. You watch your back, those parents are worse than any vamps."

She smiled, that sexy half deal she does, and fuck me runnin'.

"See you later, F."

"Count on it, B."

Then I was out the side door and doing a headcount. I was early, so of course I couldn't bitch that everybody wasn't there. Not like I was ever usually on time myself anyway, so I tend not to get too pissed as long as people aren't too late.

I said hi to the kids who were waiting around, then just sorta stared off into space while they talked about what the night was gonna be like. I heard the door open, but I didn't bother turning around to see who it was. Well, not 'til I heard the Potentials snapping to attention and a few even saying "Ma'am" and respectful shit like that.

It was either Buffy or the Queen of England. I was relieved to spot the blonde hair because the Queen? I just don't get that whole thing. Anyway, B was nodding and smiling as she walked through the group on her way over to me.

"Hey, B. What’re ya…"

"You forgot something, Faith."

I was totally confused until she grabbed me, pulled me flush against her, and laid one on me. Not a peck like friends do, but a full-on, passionate, "I Can't Wait to Fuck Your Brains Out" kiss.

When she let me go, I could feel myself grinning like an idiot from ear to ear and you coulda heard a pin drop.

"Your make-up’s messed up, B."

"I'll live."

There still wasn't a sound as Buffy turned and walked back through the crowd to the door. She looked at us before she went in, smiled and said:

"You guys stay alert out there.”

Then she was gone, and every head turned to look at me. A few of the girls were grinning like they'd caught me with my hand in the cookie jar and couldn't wait to spread the news, but most of’em just had their mouths hanging open. Mine kinda was too because even though I knew it was making me look wicked stupid, I could not stop smiling.

Buffy Summers was my girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Should Have Known Better by The Beatles

I shoulda known better with a girl like you

That I would love everything that you do

And I do…Hey, hey, hey…And I do

Whoa, whoa I never realized what a kiss could be

This could only happen to me

Can’t you see, can’t you see

That when I tell you that I love you

You’re gonna say you love me too

And when I ask you to be mine

You’re gonna say you love me too

So I shoulda realized a lot of things before

If this is love ya gotta give me more

Give me more…hey, hey, hey…Give me more

Whoa, whoa I never realized what a kiss could be

This could only happen to me

Can’t you see, can’t you see

That when I tell you that I love you

You’re gonna say you love me too

And when I ask you to be mine

You’re gonna say you love me too

You love me too

You love me too

You love me too

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is Easy

Finally my day is over and I head back to my room as fast as I can. Several people ask me questions, but it doesn't slow me down in the slightest. I've perfected what Will calls my "celebrity walk", the one where I smile, make as little eye contact as possible, and above all keep moving while I answer. Add to that the fact that I practically skip everywhere I go, well good luck to anybody who tries to slow down my exit strategy.

Especially when I'm exiting to go meet Faith. Because I will admit right up front that I like nothing better than doing things that involve Faith, be it going to her, seeing her, or thinking about what I'm going to wear when I see her. Although that last one's not exactly true. What I actually spend most of my time thinking about is what she might be wearing and how fast I can get it off of her.

I also spend mega chunks of my time daydreaming about how dark her eyes can look despite the fact that they're really a medium to light brown. Whatever they are, they're always the kind of color I could just fall into and swim around in all naked and warm. I could do everything all naked and warm with Faith.

I am so ready for sex with her anytime, anywhere. She's already done it with me fifty ways from Sunday as well as Monday through Saturday, and I sure wish there were more days in the week. Or maybe more hours in the day. Something definitely needs to increase time wise, that much I know for sure.

There is absolutely no wrong to be found in wild Slayer sex at any and every available opportunity, and now that I'm well past that initial hurdle, well, I'm fully locked and loaded and ready at the drop of a stake. It makes me respect her even more because she knew this was waiting for us and she didn't get mad that I made us take things so slowly.

She just let me go at my own pace, even when I was being way too scaredy cat, without applying even the tiniest bit of pressure. I had no idea she could be so patient and gentle, but she was and she is, and I'm nothing but impressed and grateful.

I'm fairly certain if our positions had been reversed…if our positions…Whoa, now that was a daydream deluxe.

Anyway, if our roles had been reversed I would have been pressuring her like crazy, so yes, I'm in awe of her self-restraint, especially when she pretty much shows absolutely no self-restraint with me at any other time. Not that I'm all that calm either.

I've essentially become a sex maniac and to make matters worse, I'm nothing but happy about it. I couldn't be happier in fact, and that's not just an expression. I love sex, at all times in all ways…Call me: Buffy, the Nympho Slayer. But who can blame me? Faith is…Well, Faith is a sex goddess and she's crazy good at everything.

She should teach classes, except I don't want her touching anyone else. So that means she could verbally teach classes, but that'd be it. No physical demonstrations, unless she's demonstrating with me, although that's the one thing I'm not comfortable doing with her.

Public sex is out, although she has managed to seduce me in some kind of dangerous places. And yes, okay, it was me who had to have her in the supply closet at the club. But that was so not my fault because she knows how I feel about her in leather and why would a janitor need to mop at 10:30 at night on a Saturday?

Anyway. I can't believe how good we are together. True, we were very close friends before and still are, but now there are all these fantastic benefits as well. Faith and I are friends with benefits, benefits with friends…Heck, I'll bet even our benefits have benefits. The point I'm trying to make is that we fit together perfectly in every way.

The sex is phenomenal, the slaying is even better, and the things we do for fun are just right too, although I'll admit most of our fun time has been filled with sex. We have however, managed to watch some TV and a couple of movies, and I'm happy to report no trouble there either. The best part is how one minute we're just friends and the next we're having sex on the bathroom counter, her kitchen table, the floor by my bed, and anywhere else we can get a grip on each other.

We just went right for it once I let us, and there hasn't been even a slightly awkward moment since. I've never had an easier relationship with anyone, it's like I can finally relax and be myself. We slay, we have sex, we eat, we laugh, we sleep, we hold hands, we have sex, we tease each other, we make faces during meetings, and we have sex. She makes me laugh all the time, not that there's anything new about that. Faith's always been funny when she wants to be.

We were just laughing the other night about one of the funniest things she ever did. It was back in Sunnydale when Wesley first showed up. God, he was so annoyingly uptight he made Giles look like a wild man.

I was being the good Slayer, if the good Slayer was a total smart ass, and Giles was trying hard to be a grownup and keep a straight face while I ridiculed the new guy every step of the way. It wasn't going well, and then Faith arrived.

She came sauntering in all sexy and cool, then walked over to us and looked Wesley up and down.

"New Watcher?"

"New Watcher."

"Screw that."

And then she just turned around and walked out.

That memory never fails to make me smile. It's just so Faith – short, direct, and right on the money. I loved it then and I love it now.

It wasn't much longer before things went bad, "bad" being the understatement of the universe, and what made it all so much worse was that I never stopped feeling Faith. Not once, not ever. She was there from the moment we met and she never left, no matter how awful everything got.

I felt our connection the most intensely when we had our rooftop fight to the death. That horrible night was loaded with everything: hate, hurt, anger, betrayal, revenge, sorrow, and the nearly overwhelming sense that everything was all wrong. I wanted to scream out to her to stop, to tell her that we were going in a direction that wasn't ours, but I couldn't.

Angel's life was on the line, I had to keep going, but as crazy as it sounds my thoughts weren't with him. They were with her – totally and completely, and although I was doing what I believed I had to do, what I thought was right, it also felt like I was doing the wrong thing. But Faith was the one who had put us where we were, she was the one who had set it all in motion, and suddenly there was no turning back, no way to stop it.

I wanted to hurt her, make her pay for what she had done, but despite all of my big talk, I never planned for it to go as far as it did. Of course just like always when it came to us, we couldn't control ourselves and all too quickly everything escalated until it truly became a fight to the death. There was no way to pull back, no way to stop, and when I finally stabbed her I was shocked beyond anything I'd ever felt before. I'd really done it: I'd stabbed Faith.

She was so crazy, she was actually proud of me. We just stood there looking at how far we'd gone, how far she'd pushed me, and then in typical Faith fashion, she kicked it into an even higher gear. She congratulated me on killing her, but I knew that wasn't true. I'd stabbed her to hurt her, not kill her, and I'd made sure to miss everything vital. But I'd somehow forgotten who I was dealing with.

She hit me, knocking me down, and our eyes locked as I laid there. I think both of our hearts were breaking, and I know I didn't want it to be like that moment was, not for us. I could see she didn't want it either, but it was there and for Faith there was no turning back. I saw it all then: the sorrow, the regret, the pain, and the something huge neither of us had ever had the courage or sense to name.

"Shoulda been there, B. Quite a ride."

I always thought that was my Faith who said that, the Faith who drew a heart on the window for me in front of the whole Chem class.

I still can't believe she did that and I still can't believe I responded to her the way that I did. I hesitated at first because I wasn't sure what it really meant, and even now I can’t begin to express just how much I wanted to understand what she was doing. I sat there wondering, desperately trying to figure it out, but then I just couldn't sit there anymore. I knew enough to know that something was on the line for us…and so I went to her.

God knows what my fellow students must have thought. I mean, even Willow and Xander were confused and suspected it maybe meant something else. Faith had drawn a heart on a window for me and I sat there blushing, scared and confused. No wonder my "Class Protector" umbrella was all sparkly and rainbow colored. I don't know how the situation could have been any gayer. Sure there was the obvious vamp angle involved, well obvious to us, but there was something else going on and I felt it.

And now here we are: all gayed up and loving it. If I'd have known what being Faith's lover was all about, we would have been doing this a long time ago. But that's okay, this is working so well now because we're the people we are. If we'd done this any sooner…I guess we could have done it a few years ago after we destroyed Sunnydale, but any sooner and we wouldn't have been ready. Not like we are now.

It's all perfect, and a wonderful bonus to us being together is that Faith hasn't left once. No mysterious disappearances, no vanishing acts, not even any brooding for no apparent reason…and no, I am not stupid and yes, I've figured it out.

Faith was leaving because of me, well, me and my boyfriends. I'm not sure why I didn't get it before, but it's pretty obvious when I look back on it now. Okay, so maybe I am a little stupid. Or maybe just slow…although that's not really all that much better.

I want to talk to her about it, but despite the fact that things are great between us, Faith is still Faith. The sex and intimacy have made us closer, but she still isn't the most open, talkative person when it comes to emotional stuff about herself. And I still believe the same thing I did when we weren't having sex: she has a right to keep some personal things personal. Just like always though, it's tough to know sometimes where the line is that I don't want to cross.

But I do know that we need to talk about it at some point, although sometimes I'm not exactly sure why I think that. In one way it doesn't really matter anymore, but in another…well, girlfriends need to talk things over and I feel bad that I was so oblivious about her feelings for so long. I cringe when I think about how I kept trying to set her up with guys because I thought she was lonely…which she was, but for me. Seriously, how stupid could I be?

"Faith, you look so sad, but cheer up. I've found the perfect guy for you!"

So I think we need to talk, but I just hate to bring up something crappy and negative when we're right in the middle of the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. I don't want to rock the boat before I have to, although I know we should just put up a permanent sign that says:

Don't come a-knockin' if this boat's a-rockin'!

Because our boat, whether it's from fighting or sex, will always be in motion. It's just who we are, how we are with each other, and I can't see that ever changing. We just make each other hot in every way possible, and excuse me, but I defy anyone to see her topless and not get all fired up. Her breasts are…they're mine now, so everybody just keep your eyes on your own paper.

I guess I'm being stupid, which unfortunately seems to be a theme here, but I really don't want to bring up any issues with her right now. This affair we're having is just so fun and light, and I haven't had fun and light since I became a Slayer. The whole thing has been like the best gift ever because no matter what other crazy, horrible, scary thing is going on in my life, I'm totally fine with it because I know I have Faith to look forward to. We're in a groove, a sex groove, a fun sex groove filled with fun groovy sex, and I just love it here.

And it's not like I can't talk to Faith later. I've been doing it for years and it's been nothing but a great thing. Yes she can be difficult, but so can I, and we've learned how to communicate and help each other out.

I'm really good at handling her, better than anyone else anyway, even though it's not like she's a pushover. She's definitely hard to deal with sometimes, especially when the topic is about her. At those times, talking to her is like trying to steer a car when the ignition gets switched off in mid-drive. Everything seems just fine at first, then you realize you're no longer in control, probably never were, and are heading for the biggest cliff you've ever seen.

The trick with Faith is not to be scared. She'll try everything to distract you, so you just have to ignore her when she starts acting like an ass. You can't let her go too far though, you have to call her on it before she gets it rolling. If you do that she'll respect you and back off.

She almost never pulls any of that crap with me anymore because she knows it doesn't work, and she also knows I'm not afraid of her. I always just give it right back to her and when the dust finally settles, she still has to talk to me…only now I'm mad. Trust me when I say that is never a good thing for her.

But all of that stuff can keep until another day. Today we have three hours and nine glorious minutes of alone time before we have to start getting ready for our first ever double date. Just thinking back to the look of horror on Faith's face when I told her makes me laugh out loud.

"What? I'm not doin' that!"

"But I already said we would."

"Well either unsay it or tell'em you don't speak for me."

She looked like I'd signed her up for ballet lessons with a bunch of Yankee fans.

"It's not that big of a deal, Faith."

"Says you! No way am I gonna go out on a date with that bitch."

"How can you talk about my best friend like that?"

"Funny B, you know I mean Kennedy."

She fell down onto the couch and put her boots on my clean coffee table. I gave her a look, she gave it back, and her boots stayed right where they were. This was going to take some persuading.

I walked over and straddled her legs without touching her.

"I'm not asking you to 'date' Kennedy, Faith. You're dating me and we're going out with another couple, a couple you know, a couple comprised of two people, one of whom you like immensely."

"Yeah? Well I can see Red whenever I wanna, so I don't need…"

I put my knees on the couch and eased down onto her lap, my arms wrapping around her neck.

"Are you saying you won't go?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"Really? There's no wiggle room at all?"

I found plenty of room to wiggle.

"B…"

"F?"

I began kissing her neck, paying close attention to the spot that always drives her crazy.

"How's this…fair?"

My breath was in her ear as I answered:

"It's not. Please, Faith?"

Her boots were now on the floor, her hands holding on tight to my butt.

"I don't…Fuck…"

My tongue was teasing the little secret place behind her ear.

"Just one time and if…you don't like it…never again…"

My breasts were rubbing against hers and my mouth was doing its thing. She was moaning now and her breathing was ragged.

"Such a…fucking…bitch…"

"I know you are, but I'm talking you through it."

She took a handful of my hair and pulled me back.

"Fine, Princess, I'll go."

Then she kissed me hard as she picked me up and carried me into the bedroom. Afterwards when we were all cuddled up, I apologized for saying we'd go without asking her first.

"It's okay, B. Same thing woulda happened anyway. It's cool."

Willow and I got more excited as date time neared. We'd decided on a place we didn't usually go to; it's nice but not so fancy that Faith will feel uncomfortable. Will made what she called "our very first gay reservation", and then kept telling me how excited she was just to be able to see me for a few hours straight...in a fashion, I suppose.

"It's gonna be so fun, Buff! We haven't spent any real time together since you and Faith 'fake' kissed…not that I'm complaining. Well, okay, I guess I kinda am, but I totally understand. Anyway, it's our first lesbian date together! But with other people!"

"I'm just hoping Faith and Kennedy don't kill each other."

Willow was already shaking her head and frowning:

"I told Kennedy I'd turn her into a rat if she wasn't on her best behavior and she promised me. If there's any trouble, it'll be coming from your woman."

"That's definitely still a possibility. I haven't gotten anything like a promise out of her yet, so…"

"But see, that'll just add to the fun! Like bringing nitro and dynamite with us and seeing which one explodes first."

The excited joy on her face made me laugh.

"Wow, it has been a long time, Will. I'm totally out of the loop when it comes to what's considered fun these days."

"It's 'lesbian' fun, a whole different thing."

I nodded and looked serious:

"And it's because of situations like this that I need the manual. How can I be expected to be a good lesbian if I don't even know the rules?"

"Buffy, I've already explained this to you. The Lesbian Council knows you don't need the manual. I refer you to the still unseen Slayer Handbook, which you totally rewrote anyway."

"True, plus I did figure out how to work the coffee machine timer all by myself."

"Exactly! Manuals be damned. Besides, I hear you're doing a great job on the lesbian front."

"Yep, I seem to have found my true calling."

"Faith says you're a natural."

I felt myself blush, probably fire truck red.

"I can't believe she talks to you about our sex life."

"Buffy, it's Faith. Of course she talks about your sex life, except she doesn't."

"What?"

"Not a peep except to say that you're beautiful, the best, shit hot, general stuff like that."

"Oh."

Willow laughed:

"And you're still blushing."

"Well, yeah. Isn't that like the sweetest thing ever?"

"It's pretty big with the sweet all right, and so totally not how I thought she'd be if you guys ever did it."

"Maybe she tells Xander more?"

"Nope. All she's said to him is that you're perfect and he's a pervert. Otherwise not one word from the sexiest Slayer ever…this side of Kennedy. And you, of course. But not to me. Or Faith either. To me, not you. She hasn't said anything."

I loved that Faith was keeping the details of our sex life private. It was so unlike her, I had to ask.

"Fuck B, that shit's special and it's ours. I wanna keep it that way, just between us, you know?"

Anyway, the big night has finally arrived, and I feel nothing except happy when I get to my room. Faith and I are going to spend some quality time together before we go out, and that sounds like nothing but heaven to me. We haven't had much down time lately, but now we have almost three whole hours with nothing to do but be with each other, and I'm going to make the most of it.

I don't mean just the sex part of it either. I also can't wait to be snuggled up with her, talking about whatever or not saying anything at all. I love listening to her heart beat, smelling her hair, feeling her fingers on my skin as she slowly strokes back and forth over my…I did say I love the sex part too, right?

Once I got inside, I headed straight for the bedroom. I heard the shower running, so I took a seat in the chair in the corner and waited. It only took a few minutes before the water shut off and I heard the stall door opening and closing. Faith was swearing under her breath, clearly pissed off about something.

"How am I s'posed to call…"

She came into the bedroom, her face obscured by the towel she was using to dry her hair. Her body was on full display and I have no idea how anyone could ever be any more perfect. Even though I've seen her naked many times, even though I've explored and studied her from every possible angle, I have never seen her look so stunningly beautiful.

Water was rolling down her perfect skin at a perfect speed, perfect beads and perfect trails were caressing her all over the place. Her perfect muscles were flexing on and off as she rubbed her perfect hair, and her perfect legs were moving her at a perfect pace that let me look my fill. I could feel my mouth hanging open as I tried not to drool.

"…for backup when I'm fightin' for my life?"

She spun and tossed the towel into the bathroom, giving me a perfect view of her backside as she headed out to the kitchen for a beer. It wasn't long before she returned, her head tipped all the way back as she chugged her Sam Adams in one long go.

"Fuck, that's good! Just need B now."

"That can be arranged."

The bottle just missed my head and her scream of terror made me laugh.

"Jesus Christ! What the fuck are you sneakin' around for?"

"I don't think sitting in a chair in my bedroom can be called 'sneaking'."

"Well when ya don't say shit it is. You okay? I didn't hit you, did I?"

I stood up with a smile as my eyes kept travelling all over her perfect body.

"Nope, Slayer reflexes passed the inspection with flying colors."

"Not sure mine have."

"Well, you would have hit anyone but me, plus you did scream less like a girl and more like a womanly superhero…if I grade you on a curve."

"Shut up, B. I didn't scream."

"You didn't?"

She was close enough for me to touch her, but I waited.

"No…I uh…I bellowed."

"And you're bragging about this?"

"Yeah, I did like a warrior's battle cry."

I couldn't wait anymore and I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"True. If the warrior was a scared little girl, you sounded just like him."

She didn't laugh or even smile. Her face stayed serious and angry, but somehow her dimples deepened and I could see the laughter in her eyes.

"See, this is the kinda talk that gets your ass in trouble."

"And it's the kind that gets yours fondled."

I did just that while I watched the pleasure cross her face. I'm sure it crossed mine too because feeling Faith's naked ass is one of life's best pleasures. The skin is so soft over such a round, firm…It's perfect.

"So, B?"

"Uh-huh?"

"I've had a rough day."

"So I heard."

She brushed a hand along my cheek, then let it travel behind my head to caress the back of my neck. I sighed and tilted my head to encourage her.

"And I got a real tough night ahead of me too."

"Faith…"

"But I'm gonna be good. Have a nice meal with friends and enemy…"

She's such a smart ass.

"…dance with my girl and make her happy, then come back here and show her how hot she is…all night long."

"That's your plan?"

"Yeah, so if I'm gonna make it through all of that, I'm gonna need some attention now. You know, to build up my strength."

"I see. Maybe I can help you out."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"My girl will really appreciate that."

I kissed her and began dragging her to the bed as I walked backwards.

"Be sure you do that warrior bellow thing when you see her. It'll drive her crazy."

We landed with her on top, a position she more than loved.

"Tell ya what: why don't I make you bellow instead? Can show me how it's done."

"Perhaps you've noticed you're naked, Faith."

"Yeah, and?"

"I think that means I'll be in charge for a while."

She ripped my shirt in half, then my bra was gone before I could even yell at her.

"Oops. Guess I fucked up the chain of command."

I wanted to smack her. I loved the shirt she'd just destroyed, the bra too, but I had kind of dared her, at least in "Faithspeak" anyway.

"Okay, now I'm pissed."

"Wish I had my boots on so I could shake in'em."

She had that cocky smirk on her face, the one that makes me crazy and mad and happy and a million other emotions. She was so going to pay.

I quickly rolled us over and kissed her until she was breathless, then pulled back just enough to meet her eyes:

"Oh, you're definitely going to shake, F. I guarantee it."

And just like a good Slayer should: I always keep my guarantees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is Easy by Marshall Crenshaw

Yes I see we're roaming on

Over unfamiliar ground

Wait a minute look around

Oh this is easy

Yes I see we’re moving on

Maybe trouble’s all we’ll find

But compared to what’s behind

Oh this is easy

And there were nights when we knew

The sunshine would never ever reappear

It’s not a good time all the time

Baby let’s grab hold while it’s here

Baby, baby do I need

To explain or can you tell

That I’m feeling oh so well

Oh this is easy

And I know there’s not one thing

That could ever drag us down

Wait a minute look around

Oh this is easy

Remember this when the dreams you treasure

Are scattered like bowling pins

It’s not a good time all the time

Well nobody always win

Oh this is easy, oh so easy

If we’re crazy well we don’t care

This is easy, oh so easy

Like falling falling

Falling through empty air

And there were nights when we knew

The sunshine would never ever reappear

It’s not a good time all the time

Baby let’s grab hold while it’s here

Oh this is easy, oh so easy

If we’re crazy well we don’t care

This is easy, oh so easy

Like falling, falling

Falling through empty air

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Five

You

I'm watching B play catch with Dawn, Willow, Xander, Andrew, and a Frisbee. I was gonna play, but really, how many people do you need? B frowned at me when I said I'd just hold the blanket down with my ass, but she didn't push me. I wasn't being pissy or anything, I just felt more like watching her move around than joining in.

We're at the park and pretty girls are skating, riding, and walking by in not many clothes, but I haven't looked at one. What's the point? The best girl in the whole fucking world is standing right over there making some incredible catches while she pretends anybody's got a shot at being as fucking fantastic as she is.

We celebrated our six month anniversary two days ago and it was perfect. We ate breakfast in bed, skipped out early for us, and went shopping for clothes and comics. Then we had a tasty lunch followed by more clothes shopping and a quick stop to pick up my new knife and the surprise crossbow B had ordered for me.

Dinner was so romantic I shoulda puked instead of loving every second of it, and B loved the bracelet I got her. We went for a walk after down by the lake, holding hands, kissing, and copping a feel as much as we could. Then we had the best patrol ever and it's sure nice when the bad guys work so hard to make us happy.

We slayed our asses off, then B was on me the second we got home. We had some hot sex followed by a shower with some even hotter sex, then it was bed and more great sex until we went to sleep. She's without a doubt the best I've ever had and it's like that every single time.

She's all sweet and tender, until she's a bitch who wants to bust me in half. She stays right with me stride for stride…who the fuck am I tryin' to kid? Sometimes B blows right past me and I gotta pick up my game just to break even. And talk about a quick learner; she's been giving me lessons for a long time now.

We still can't get enough of each other. She touches me and I'm completely turned on. Hell, she even just looks at me and I want her. The best is it works both ways, and one of our favorite games is to drive each other fucking crazy in the worst possible places.

She's like a master at it – these little sneaky touches, the way she moves, the looks she shoots at me, the way she smiles when she sees the effect she's having. We'll be sitting next to each other at the big table doing some research and B's hand will start wandering. I'll jump in my seat like I've been electrocuted and everybody will look at me like I'm a freak.

B never even glances my way, just keeps reading and looking all calm. I do it back to her when I get a chance and she's like ice, never moving, flinching, or paying any kinda attention to me. But then the second we're outta sight, she's got me in the nearest closet or empty room with her tongue in my mouth and her hand in my pants.

It's wicked hot and I love it when she gets like that…like she can't wait to have me. I like when we take it slow too, all soft touches and gentle, like we think the other person might break if we're not careful. It's not fucking then, no way, but I suppose it never has been, least not from my side of it. It's making love, plain and simple, and the fact that I can figure that out is nothing short of amazing.

I mean, I don't make love, not ever before anyways. I always just get off and get out, no looking back, but of course I never wanted that with B. And I know I love her, so no surprise on my end that I make love to her. But it's hot love, not some "once a week or only on special days" sex like an old married couple. It's still plenty down and dirty, even though I've never touched her without loving her. I can't imagine it ever going any other way.

The mystery comes in from her side of it. I think B's making love to me too, but thinking isn't exactly knowing. I mean, she calls it "making love", but she also says we're "sleeping together" when what she really means is we're fucking each other blind. They're just expressions everybody says, not statements that tell the truth, so I don't really know for sure if she…

"Hi."

I look up and this hot as hell blonde chick is smiling down at me.

"I don't mean to bother you, but could I sit here a minute? I was jogging and I twisted my ankle."

As lame as her story is, she does look like a jogger. She's got an iPod on and the outfit's right, somebody else would say: "Waaay right".

"Yeah, sure. It's a double blanket."

Which didn't seem all that big when she dropped down not too far from me. She had the whitest teeth I've ever seen, and her smile blinded me at first from seeing she had her hand out for me to shake.

"I'm Erica."

"Hey. Faith."

She kept smiling and held my hand a little too long. Terrific, just what I needed. I was hoping her ankle was gonna feel better real soon because she was making me kinda face away from B and I was worried I was gonna miss a really great catch.

"Wow, it's sure a beautiful day, isn't it?"

"Yeah, real pretty."

She smiled bigger like I said she was real pretty, which she was, but I didn't.

"Do you come here often, Faith?"

"Not as much as I'd like."

She laughed like it was funny and touched my arm.

"Me either, but I'm thinking that should change. Do you run?"

"Only when I'm chasin' somethin."

She laughed like I was the best stand-up ever and her hand came back, but this time on my thigh.

"We could be jogging buddies. Want to meet here tomorrow at…"

The Frisbee caught her right on the forehead. She let go of me, her whole body jerking back.

"OW!"

There was a red mark from where she got tagged and she rubbed at it, trying to shake it off.

"Sorry, I guess it got away from me."

She was still rubbing, but she did her best to smile as she looked up at the voice:

"It's okay. I can't throw those things very good either."

Buffy sat down in the sliver of space between us, making my new buddy scoot back even further.

"I throw them just fine."

Erin mighta been smokin' hot, but she sure wasn't what you'd call the sharpest blade in the weapons chest.

"I'm Erica, and Faith and I were…"

B's eyes looked like ice.

"Erica?"

"Yes?"

"There is no 'Faith and you' and there never will be. Go away now."

She finally looked at B full on and she was up and moving, just like that.

"Uh…Thanks for the…Bye."

She took off jogging or running for her life, depending on your viewpoint. I just know she never looked back as she hauled ass, her ankle working fine.

"Hi, B."

"So what was that all about?"

"Was about her tryin' to get in my pants. What'd it look like from where you were?"

She wasn't amused at all.

"It looked like you were trying to get your ass kicked in the park."

"Yeah? I didn't get that vibe…Ow!"

She pulled me to her with an iron grip on my arm. Her eyes were snapping and popping, and she woulda been scary if she wasn't so fucking hot.

"Buffy, throw it back! It's boring just standing…"

She grabbed the Frisbee off the blanket and tossed it to Andy without looking away from me.

"I don't like other women pawing all over you."

"Okay. So where ya stand on guys pawing…"

B was done trying to talk it out. Her mouth took mine, that's the best way to explain it. Her lips were rough, hot and hard, and her tongue was in my mouth without any teasing. Her hands were gripping me tight, 'specially the one tugging on my hair. Buffy wasn't fooling around.

When she edged back, she looked calmer, but still wicked intense. I probably looked turned on because I totally was.

"B, Alice was just some chick who was seein' if she had a shot, which she didn't. I already can't even remember what she looked like."

"Erica."

"What?"

"Her name was 'Erica'."

"Whatever. Who gives a shit about her? You on the other hand…"

"Buffy, we're going to lose if you don't come back!"

Andy sounded like he was gonna cry and Buffy yelled over to him:

"I'll be right there, Andrew!"

She leaned in closer to me:

"You're on your own again."

"Trust me, B: This time I'll kill somebody 'fore I let'em sit down."

"That sounds like a good idea, especially if they laugh like a Pez dispenser."

"Buffy!"

"I'm coming!"

She kissed me again, this time all soft and sweet, until she nipped at my lower lip as she pulled away.

"Don't make me come back here, F."

I gave her a salute and watched her ass all the way over to Andy. He hugged her as he filled her in:

"Okay, we're down by eight."

"Andrew, I was gone for two minutes. How could you…"

"I panicked! You know I don't do well under pressure. Just fix it!"

She said something to him I couldn't hear and the game got going again.

I was tingling all over because "Jealous B" is one hot bitch. I like her like that, when she claims me as hers. I couldn't be happier with her doing it, hell, I couldn't be happier in general.

We're a couple and everybody knows it, even the never to be seen again Angela. We do everything together and when we have to be separated for very long, we both hate it. Life is good, life is perfect, and it's way more than everything I've ever wanted.

I sleep in the same bed with Buffy almost every night and we wake up together almost every morning. We usually start the day off with sex, which yeah, am I ever livin' right. We eat meals together whenever we can, watch TV, have sex, go out, slay, train, have sex, shop, listen to music, argue, make up, have sex, clean weapons, whittle stakes, pretend to do research and other boring Slayer shit, hang out, have sex…It's working just great.

Buffy is beautiful all the way around. Anybody can see the surface shit – she's drop dead gorgeous no matter what angle you look from. Everything about her's just perfect, kinda like one of those works of art they keep someplace special. But not B, she's out in the open, just wandering around saving the world and living her life. The best is: now she's livin' it with me, so I can not only look, but I can get grabby whenever I wanna.

I don't blame anybody for looking her up and down and back again, because yeah, she's got it goin' on. But the most beautiful thing about her is what's on the inside, and to get an eyeful of that, you gotta know her.

B's good, right down to the core. You can count on her to save your life, cut ya a break, or just give you some company when you're down and alone. She's tough as nails when she's gotta be…just ask any demon she's killed without a look back, but she's also got the biggest heart of anybody I've ever known. Buffy cares, she cares more than anybody ever has, and it's that and her courage that makes her such a fucking hero.

No way to know for sure when she's checkin’ out for good. I'm hoping it's in her sleep when she's like 99, but she's probably gonna be saving somebody when she gets it. Knowing B, she'll be tryin' to stake some vamp with her outfitted walker, and she'll probably soak her dentures in holy water at night just in case.

What I do know for sure is I feel lucky to be with her. Guess that's how everybody who's ever had her must have felt. In the morning when I feel her hands on me, all soft and warm like I'm the most precious thing in the world, I could die right then. It's all I need: to feel that Buffy wants me, to feel like she was just waiting for sleep to be over so she could be with me again.

When we make love at those times, I take her slow because I wanna make it last forever. I wanna get lost in her, make her feel just how much she means to me, make her understand there's nothing anywhere that will ever make me happier. I want her to know without any doubt how much I love her, how I'll always love her even when I'm gone and my body's turned to dust. Whatever makes me "Faith" will never stop loving her, and that's the truest thing in any universe.

Our first time together, well I'm never gonna forget that. Never, not even if I make it to an old lady and I'm droolin’ all over myself and don't know my own name. That's gonna be the memory I take with me, even if I end up in Hell. No matter what the Devil does to me, no matter how bad it gets, I'm gonna be smiling nonstop 'cause me and B. Nobody's taking that away, not ever. It's mine, she was mine, and I won't ever let go of it…no matter what.

Yep, I got a grip on the brass ring for sure, but there's a small problem. Well, maybe "problem" is too big a word. It's just that I don't think Buffy loves me, at least not as much as I want her to.

I know she loves me, she's had a "friend' love for me for a long time. But we've moved it on and yeah, it's different for sure, but….I'm feeling it now – that thing all her boys have felt since Riley, and it fucking hurts.

I'm this close, but I can't figure out how to get any closer. There's something there, maybe it's something in me stopping her or maybe it's just that I can't really give her everything she needs after all. I don't know, but I know it's there, and I'm not laughing now at the guys who tried and could never win her over. I feel for each and every one of them, and it keeps me awake sometimes when all I wanna do is sleep.

She'll be with me, all satisfied and curled up tight, a tiny smile on her face as she drifts off, and I'll be laying there trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I don't have enough experience with love to know what end's up half the time, but no way am I gonna go down without a fight. Not if I can help it anyway.

Buffy is everything to me. She's made me happier than I've ever been in my whole life and way happier than I deserve to be. But something is…it's off, and I don't know how to set it right. It's not the sex, that I know for sure, and it's not that I don't care about her enough or that she doesn't appreciate me.

B gets me, and just like when we were friends, she knows how to handle things. I get in moods even though I try not to and B lifts me right out of'em. She gets me to talk more than I ever have and it feels good sometimes, like I'm dumping some of the shit off my back and leaving it for dead by the side of the road. She always listens and I can see she's hurting for me, but she hangs tough. There's no way I can ever thank her enough for facing that stuff with me.

Sometimes when she looks at me, it makes my heart stop because it's so warm and so "Buffy". She holds my hand for no reason, teases me when I'm being stupid, and smiles when I'm being cute. She runs a bath for me when I'm sore or tense, she makes me sandwiches when I'm hungry but too tired to move, and she knows when I just need to be quiet and hold her. Going by all the obvious signs, B can't get enough of me, and that is the fucking miracle of fucking miracles.

But I still feel something and I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I keep hinting around, but she never seems to pick up on what I'm trying to get at. She just smiles and kisses me or maybe edges closer, and I'm lost. Besides, it's not like I wanna rock the boat or talk it out, that's never been my thing. But I'm getting scared now, like this thing's gonna get bigger 'til it blocks our view of each other. Then we're gonna be fucked and I can't even bear the thought of that.

Enough of this shit. I lean back on my arms and turn my face up towards the sun. The game's wrapping and Andy's doing his best to trash talk. Talk about embarrassing. He's telling the losers they're so lame they couldn't name all six "Star Wars" flicks in order if he spotted'em two.

Willow looks like she couldn't name any of them if he told her all six, Xander looks offended, and Dawn looks like she’s not gonna take the insult layin’ down.

"Who even cares what they're called? They're all stupid anyway. Besides, if you hadn't had Super Freak on your team, you wouldn't even be able to name 'The Lord of the Rings Trilogy'!"

Whoa, two low blows and they were off to the races and the vendor guy. B sat down next to me as Xander asked if I wanted anything.

"Could down a big ass coke."

"Two Slayer cokes coming right up, one diet."

He turned to Red:

"Milady?"

She grinned and hooked her arm through his, and they followed at a safe minimum distance from the two nut jobs ahead of them.

"It's Frodo!"

"Frobdo, Frog Dough, no one cares but you Andrew!"

I shook my head and laughed:

"Man, B, how are they not a couple?"

"Maybe because Will's gay?"

"Yeah, them too, but I meant Squirt and Andy."

"Faith!"

"What? Just look at'em. If those aren't sparks, I don't know what are."

"He's gay!"

I laughed at the freaked out expression on her face.

"Stranger things have happened, B, and ya gotta admit…"

"Stop! If you ever want to have sex with me again, you'll shut up now."

"Okay, don't gotta pull out the big gun. Was just pointin' out the obvious."

She leaned over to kiss me:

"Silence or you're on the couch."

Like I could talk with her tongue down my throat and her lips sealed to mine. Like I'd want to.

When she leaned away, she didn't go far, she actually got closer. She turned around, her back against my front as she sat between my legs. She pulled my arms around her which almost made me fall backwards, but I used my Slayer muscles and stayed where I was.

She rubbed along my arms.

"Are you ever going to talk to me, Faith?"

"Just said I had to shut up."

"You know what I mean."

I didn't answer, what was I gonna say?

"B, I know you love me, but I don't think you love me enough. It's like there's somethin' stoppin’ you. Hell, you've never even said it once."

No way was I gonna open up that can of worms, not unless I had to. I mean, I haven't told her I love her either…although I'd say it ten times a day if I thought she wanted me to. But to go first when everything tells me she doesn't feel the same way? Right.

Buffy's all about the "love" thing. If she's not saying it, well there's gotta be a reason, one I most likely never wanna know. And I'm not about to pull a "Greg" move and force the issue. I'm not a fucking idiot, although since I don't have a clue what to do, it kinda makes me one in another way.

I guess I took too long to answer because she let out a heavy sigh, then turned to kiss me on the cheek.

"I can wait, F."

Great, now we'll both be waiting. Wonder what day Hell freezes over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You by Nils Lofgren

Ah you, wake me with the gentlest touch

When you kiss me oh I feel I must have you

You have everything I need

Except a burning love for me

When I first saw you that day

I had to ask you stay

We talked and drank too much

Then our hearts softly touched

Now in us I do believe

Lover have I been deceived

Ah you, you come down like early rain

And you, wash away my every pain

And you, you have everything I need

Except a burning love for me

Well we’ve had this for a while

And when we make love you always smile

Still there’s a distance I can’t close

I’m in deeper and it shows…it shows

Well while our hearts are young and there’s still time

Tell me what to do to make you mine

All mine…

Ah you, you walk outside and birds start to sing

Ah you, you look at me and know everything I feel

Grant me one wish and I’ll be free

I want you more in love with me

I want you more in love with me

Ah you…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sweet Side

Okay, Brick Wall…Faith. Faith…Brick Wall. I mean that both ways. Faith is being a brick wall and I'd also like to introduce her to one up close and personal. She's been weird, all closed off and defensive, something she hasn't done since we got together. I don't get it and as far as I know, it all came right out of left field…wherever that is.

I noticed it building just like I always do. She was getting broody, she didn't laugh or talk as much, and there are now a couple of new things I never noticed before when we were just friends. Which I guess makes complete sense since they're not the kind of things people who are “just” friends would know about.

Faith gets nightmares sometimes. In the beginning of our relationship she tried to blow them off, but I wouldn't let her. I could see how they upset her, how intense they were, and I knew that keeping it in was probably making it all worse. After a bit of a struggle, she told me she's had them forever.

"Since I was about nine or ten, I guess. They're always about me bein' a kid, bein' trapped back there in that life, unless they're about Sunny D."

She was pretty open about everything once she got started, which made me feel awful for her, even though I took it as a good sign for us that she was willing to talk about it with me. Because Faith doesn't just have bad dreams, they're not even really nightmares. They're nightmares on steroids, worse than any twenty horror movies combined, and they're like nothing I ever imagined somebody could have, let alone live through.

If she's lucky, they make her jerk awake. Sometimes she'll be crying, sometimes screaming, but the worst for me is when she's whispering my name, pleading with me to do something in the dream. Help her maybe, kill her…it’s impossible for me to tell. She always says she doesn't remember, but I'm pretty sure she does.

They tapered off a lot after we'd been together for a while, but now they've come back at full force. She tries to act like they're no big deal, but it's clear that something's going on and it's not something good. The open, honest woman I've gotten so used to dealing with is nowhere in sight when it comes to this topic. Instead what I have is Faith acting like I'm not on the "need to know" list.

The other thing that's changed between us is that she wants more sex…which in our case means we're doing it practically 24/7. It's still off the charts great, but she seems different, desperate somehow. I don't understand why and when I ask her she says she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I can't tell if she's outright lying or really doesn't notice, but I do know she's keeping something from me and it's starting to have an effect on us.

I'm trying hard to be patient and not take it personally that Faith is keeping things to herself. I knew she was like that when I first got involved with her, and I can't expect anything else, especially when something's upsetting her. She's not ever going to be completely comfortable with revealing herself no matter who she's with, and I know that and accept it. I also know that she'll talk to me when she can and that I'll do whatever I need to do to help her get there.

I've never understood the desire to get involved with a person and then try to change them. Yes, there's always "stuff" to fix – like making a man wear different clothes or get his hair cut in a more flattering style. There's the toilet seat he always leaves up, the wet towels on the floor, his inability to see dirty dishes – the superficial things. But what I'm talking about is the core of a person, the things that make them "them". You can't change any of that and I don't think you should try to.

It's disrespectful, downright mean even, and I'm not about to do that to Faith. Besides, what would I really change about her if I could? Sure, I'd like her to be more open sometimes, but I know why she isn't and I would never try to take that away from her. She closes off to feel safe and I get it, I understand. And when she does open up to me, when she lets me see the real her…I treasure that gift every single time.

I remember when we first became friends. She'd apologized to me the day after the fall of Sunnydale and even though a big part of me wanted to brush her off, I didn't. I told her I appreciated what she'd done, how she'd come back to help, and I also told her I needed time, a chance to shift gears where she was concerned.

She surprised me because she took it so well, telling me she understood and appreciated that I might be willing to give her another chance someday. She got that I wasn't trying to punish her or anything like that. I just needed time to remember that when she wasn't crazy, I actually did like her. I needed time to learn to trust her again, to trust myself, and she gave it to me without any hesitation. It was obvious that she knew the damage she'd done, that it had to be repaired before we could even think about moving forward.

With the air cleared as much as it could be, life went on. Dawn and I spent some time in Italy, but that got old fast and it wasn’t long before we headed home to Cleveland. I quickly settled into my new life on Hellmouth #2, and this time there were all kinds of Slayers to help, including Faith. The old and the new mixed perfectly, and the Slayer Academy ran like clockwork. We all had our jobs, our roles to fill, and we handled every situation as it developed in the best possible way.

Which was how I found myself, several months later, on a road trip that lasted nearly five weeks. I was trying to track down some demon that was of course, planning an apocalypse, and for some reason he wasn’t big on staying put and letting me kill him. People would teleport in and out to assist, but it was basically just me all by my lonesome with lots of quiet time to think.

When I finally got home, I was given a Slayer's welcome. Dawnie even made me a big breakfast, which I ate like a pig. It was still pretty early in the morning when I finished, so I went to luxuriate in my own bed. My nap went a little long and it was late in the afternoon when I woke up. I took my time and when I was finally ready, I opened my door to head downstairs. Faith was just going into her room and we both kind of froze as we stared at each other…and talk about awkward.

"Hi, B. Heard you got back."

"Yep, I'm big with the backness."

I wanted to wince I sounded so stupid, but she just smiled.

"Well, it's good to have ya home."

"Thanks."

I walked to the stairs and just as my hand touched the railing, her voice stopped me:

"You maybe wanna come in?"

It was a bizarre offer. Faith and I weren't friends, and we certainly didn't hang out in each other's rooms. I don't know why she asked me that and I don't know why it made me smile so big as I turned back to face her:

"I'd love to."

We spent the rest of the day and most of that night together: talking, eating, and drinking way too much. We laughed like crazy people over all kinds of stuff, watched movies, gossiped about everything that had gone on while I'd been away, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun.

It was all so natural, so right, like finally the past had decided to leave us alone and let us move forward. Faith and I became friends from that day on, and it's been nothing but great ever since. Of course being lovers has been even better, in fact I'd say it's been downright perfect.

But lately things have been really strange. She's starting to look sad, even though she hides it and hides it well. In fact, she hides it so well, it's just me who seems able to see it. Everybody else keeps telling me how happy Faith and I look, and we do, we are. I know I've never been happier, apparently the "Honeymoon" phase is going to last forever for me. Everything she does makes me happy and I just can't get enough of her.

She's such a good lover and when it's done, I love snuggling up to her and just basking in the biggest afterglow any woman's ever basked in. I can never stop smiling afterwards, it's just that good, that special every single time. It's the craziest thing, surely some of the thrill should have worn off by now, but it hasn't. Faith makes me feel crazy happy, and I can't imagine it ever being any other way.

I love hanging around with her, just watching her do the everyday things that life demands. She's skilled at everything: cooking simple, but tasty meals, repairing leaky faucets, getting blood stains out of our clothes, doing sewing repairs, folding even the fitted sheets flat, and against my will she's even managed to teach me a couple of things along the way.

So sue me because I don't really want to learn, I'd rather watch her do it. She's so sexy and confident and efficient and sexy and sexy. The way her hands move all strong and graceful, her face all serious as she concentrates on what she's doing, her triumphant yell when she finishes. And yes, it's all about sex for me when it comes to Faith, even when there's no actual sex anywhere in sight.

Although that's not really true. As much as I love sex with Faith, I also love just talking to her. It's something I've gotten used to over the years and I would never want to be without it. She's got such a unique way of looking at things and she's really smart too. I count on her all the time for good advice and an honest opinion, and that hasn't changed since we've become lovers.

She's fascinating to me, and I love when she gets all fired up and passionate about something that's not really that big of a deal. It's so cute, and I admit I sometimes say stupid things just to get her going. I've been doing that for years and I'm not about to stop now, not when she looks so hot ranting and raving. Plus her voice is off the charts sexy, the sexiest voice I have ever heard in my life. It makes me shiver whenever I hear it.

She's just beautiful, inside and out. Brave and loyal, and so determined to make up for the things she's done in the past. I've tried to help her let that stuff go, but she can't and probably never will. Faith cares, she cares so much, and while I love that about her, it also makes me worry. When it comes to herself and certain situations, sometimes she cares too much and takes responsibility for things she has no control over. I definitely understand that urge and while a certain amount of guilt is unavoidable when you're a Slayer, Faith sometimes takes it to a painful extreme.

A couple of weeks ago, we lost a Potential. Mary was one of our best – smart, a good fighter, brave, and well on her way to becoming a fantastic Slayer. Vi had three girls out on patrol with her and they came across a nest of vamps. They were handling it; Vi's not exactly sure how it happened. One second they were down to just two vamps, the next a Hadra demon had a death grip on Sheila's neck.

He started twisting and Mary didn't hesitate. She tackled him and took them all down to the ground, loosening his hold on Sheila's neck. Sheila was able to turn enough to stab him in the brain right through his eye, Vi and Lori finished off the last of the vamps and mission accomplished, just another night on the job…except Mary didn't get up.

Her head had collided with a partially buried tree stump and she must have hit it just right. She died instantly. The other girls and Vi were a wreck, but they made it home with Vi carrying Mary's body all the way. I didn't hear about it until much later that night.

Will and I had been in Argentina looking for some special artifact that a group of demons were kind of keen on keeping. We had to stay radio silent the entire mission and when we had what we'd come for, Willow transported me right into my room. It was late and at first all of my concentration was on not vomiting. Once that was under control, I saw Faith and the vomiting threat was suddenly a very real possibility again.

She was sitting in the window seat, a nearly empty bottle of whiskey dangling from her hand, an empty on the floor below her, and another on the table next to the couch. She didn't turn when I approached.

"Faith?"

"…."

"What's wrong?"

She didn't answer and she flinched away when I touched her arm.

"Faith, you're scaring me."

She turned to me then, and when I saw her face I didn't let her shrug me off. I sat down and grabbed her hand.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"…Got somebody killed tonight."

"What? Who?"

She tried to pull away from me, but I wouldn't let her.

"Mary, out on patrol."

I was instantly confused. I knew that Faith had called in a favor and that Vi was supposed to take over her patrol for the night. I thought maybe Faith had changed her mind or that maybe something big had happened and she'd gone out with them. Either way, Mary was dead and just like always when we lost someone, I felt the burning start in my stomach.

"What happened?"

Faith managed to get away from me and walked over to the couch.

"Not sure exactly. Vi and the gang were havin’ trouble laying it out."

"What did you see?"

She looked up startled, then confused.

"Nothing, I wasn't there."

I walked over to her.

"Faith, it's not your fault."

"Yeah B, it is. I shoulda been there. Maybe I could…"

"Do you think Vi's a good Slayer?"

"Course I do. She's almost as good as us."

I edged closer.

"So if she couldn't stop what happened, odds are you couldn't have either."

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you. It isn't your fault, you're not responsible."

She sat down hard, taking me with her.

"Maybe I'm not, but it feels like I am. It was supposed to be my patrol, but I wanted to watch TV and just hang, so I…I got a kid killed because I was bein' lazy."

"With that logic, you'd never have a day off. Faith, you can't be everywhere all the time, and you know how dangerous slaying is. Don't do this to yourself."

She pulled me closer and kissed me, hard and wild, and I could feel her tears on my cheeks. When the kiss ended, she kept her arms wrapped tight around me.

"Could we just sit here for a while, B?"

"As long as you want."

She eventually fell asleep, I guess passed out would be more accurate, and after an hour I carried her to bed. I got her undressed, tucked her in, and when I was sure she wasn't going to wake up for a while, I went to Vi's room. I knocked quietly and it was Rona who opened the door.

"Hi, Buffy."

"Hi. Is Vi…"

"She's a mess. It's good you came."

I talked to Vi for almost an hour. She'd never lost anyone on a patrol before and of course it had hit her hard. I did my best to help her, but what could anyone say that would make any difference? She thanked me for coming and said she was going to try and get some rest. We hugged, then Rona walked me out.

"Are you staying with her?"

Rona nodded as she opened the door:

"Yep, best friend's job."

"I wish I could have been more help."

"Are you kidding? At least she's calm enough now to try to sleep."

Apparently that was my gift in situations like this.

"Where are Lori and Sheila?"

"They're in their room, Boss. Don't worry, they've got plenty of people with them."

"I guess I'll wait until tomorrow then."

"Yeah, probably be for the best."

We hugged.

"Call me for any reason at any time, okay?"

"You know we will."

"Okay…Goodnight, Rona."

"Night, Buffy. Thanks again."

When I got back to my bedroom, I stood by the bed watching Faith sleep. She looked peaceful, like I wished she could be, and I felt my eyes welling up. She needed to stop blaming herself for everything all the time, but a horrible childhood had trained her to always take the blame. And just like with anyone: the lessons learned in childhood were the hardest ones to unlearn, and they were the ones that stuck with her no matter how much she tried to shake them loose.

Besides, who was I to talk? My childhood had been nowhere near the horribleness of Faith's, and yet I found it all too easy to take the blame for that night's tragedy. Willow could have taken a lesser Slayer with her, but I'd wanted the chance to spend some alone time with her. It had been forever since we'd just hung out, so I used the mission as an opportunity for us to act like silly teenagers together.

That irresponsible decision had maybe led to the death of a Slayer who hadn't been much older than a teenager herself. Yep, there was definitely plenty of guilt to go around no matter how you looked at it, and it was nothing but a stupid, non-helpful way to think, for sure. But it's how I think and it's how Faith does too… only about a million times worse on the Guilt-O-Meter.

I snuggled into bed with her, wrapping her in my arms where I knew she would feel safe. I often wish I could go back in time and kill the people she grew up with. They'd abused her and they still do, affecting every part of her life and making her struggle to get past their beyond awful parenting.

The woman who gave birth to her…I refuse to call her a mother…is lucky she's already dead or I would go to Boston and beat her to within an inch of her life, probably even closer. But I can't do that, I can't do anything except be here for Faith now. So I hold her close and try to understand and talk sense to her when she needs it. I ride out the anger when it simmers underneath everything she says, I crash against the barriers when she struggles to create them, and I keep reaching for her until she finally reaches back.

Faith can't help it, but I know she tries. It happens whenever she feels really vulnerable and then has to build up a wall to hide behind. It's something she learned to do at a very young age and it's a difficult habit for her to break. She fights it and does her best not to let herself go too far, and for the most part I'd have to say she does a pretty good job.

I know when she gets like that it’ll be a tough few days. She'll be too reckless on patrol, she'll drink more, she'll take the blame for whatever she can, she'll jump on everything I say, and she'll pretend nothing ever gets to her. She'll be rougher during sex and then when she starts to come out of it, she'll swing too far the other way.

She'll be too gentle, she'll let me say and do anything to her, and she'll feel guilty about how she's treated me. She'll defer to me when we're out on patrol, when we're in bed and everywhere else in between, until I finally can't take it anymore and I blow up at her. We'll argue and then it will be over, all back to normal.

It's something I understand because I've experienced it with her many times over the years. The only difference now is the sexual element that's been added, but it's not really that big of a difference…just more of the same with an extra level of intensity.

I hate when Faith gets like that, and not just because of how hard it is on me. What I hate the most is how hard it is on her. Before we got together, she would just take off for a few days if it got bad, which I suppose spared me from the whole lovely experience. I know she'd still go except I've made it more than clear that I don't want her to. I never wanted her to go back then either, I just had no way to stop her. I do now.

Sure it's difficult to deal with, but in another way it isn't at all. It's just Faith, how she feels she has to handle things and it's okay with me. She tries to be better about it, and in a lot of ways she's succeeded. The incidents don't happen as often as they used to and when they do occur, they don't seem to last as long. I take that as nothing but a positive and just deal with what I have to.

We all react differently to stress anyway. I still tend to do my thing which is not talk…or as Faith calls it:

"Great, time for a visit from the Ice Princess".

I know I do that, I've always done that, and being the Slayer and living on the Hellmouth just made it worse. I usually snap out of it in a couple of days and I try my best not to let it take control of me. But it's tough sometimes. I feel like I'm responsible for everyone's life, the people here with me and the innocent people all over the world who don't even know I exist.

It helps that there are other Slayers now, except I feel responsible for them having to be involved in the first place. And no matter how many there are, no matter how much I try to delegate, the simple truth of it is – I'm The Slayer, the one and only. Everyone still looks to me to be in charge, to lead, to decide. Whenever push comes to shove, it's me who has the final say.

That's just the way it is, and I don't know if it's from age and experience, although I'm also not ruling out Willow having done a secret "Brainwashing" spell on me, but I can handle it now. I understand my role, my duty, and as time's gone by I've accepted it. Right or wrong, I'm the leader, and until I get dead and stay that way, that's who I'm always going to be.

But sometimes despite my newfound maturity and acceptance, it builds up on me – the pressure, the responsibility, the sense that not only is the fate of the world in my hands, but the individual lives of the newbies and the people that I love as well. The Scooby Gang is still with me, and for that I am eternally grateful. There is no way I could do any of this without them, but as the years go by, I think more often of the people who are missing, and I'm terrified that being around me is going to get every last one of them killed.

That's not a new fear, but sometimes when the pressure builds the "Ice Princess" likes to make her presence known. Faith will give me a day or two before she starts thawing me out, pulling me back to the warmth and the fire of living and loving and just being alive. It prickles at first, then tingles, and then all of the blood and feeling rushes back and I'm reminded that I can do this: I can be Buffy Summers and The Slayer at the same time. It works just fine for me, and whenever I try to forget that, Faith makes sure I remember.

But none of that's the real point here. Something is wrong and I don't have a clue what it is. Faith says there's no problem, but that's just stupid because I know her and there is a problem. I'm trying not to push her before she's ready to tell me, but she's kind of making it clear that she needs to be pushed. And I can do that if I have to; I've done it many times before. It's just that it's a lot easier on both of us if she decides to talk on her own.

I can't figure out what's going on, everything's perfect between us. The sex is still great, she still lights up every time she sees me, and we still love being together. I've been careful not to get too intense emotionally with her or make her feel trapped, and I think I've made it crystal clear just how happy she makes me. Our life together is as close to perfect as life can get…I'm lost here.

I guess it could be anything. I mean, I know everything doesn't revolve around our relationship, but it kind of does in a way. We're pretty isolated as Slayers. We generally work, live, and play with the people who are involved in the group. Faith has no outside family, neither do I…at least none we're in contact with. So that means our lives are pretty much all about our relationship, but not in a bad way. There's nothing about Faith and I that could ever be called bad.

Although her moods can change for seemingly no reason, there's always a reason. I know what triggers them and why, and I usually know what will settle things down for her again. But this is beyond that. She's not in a "mood", it's more serious than that. She's worried, and it's a big enough deal that her nightmares have come back with a vengeance. A screaming, crying, pleading vengeance.

I can feel her pulling away a little, like she's unsure if she should trust me, which makes absolutely no sense at all. Nothing has happened between us to make her feel like that, we've been fine, better than fine. Life is going just peachy with a side of keen…two sides of keen, and yet something's got her on edge. What that might be is a total mystery to me.

I'm trying to give her some more time, but I'm not sure how much longer I should wait. I don't want to pressure her, but I don't want her to deal with whatever she's dealing with all by herself either. She doesn't need to do that. I want to be there for her, and I want her to let me be without making it a big fight every time.

I suppose it doesn't really matter how we go about it. What matters is that we get the problem taken care of, not who goes first or does what. Because my relationship with Faith is the best one I've ever had and I'm not planning on losing it any time soon. Not to her overdeveloped sense of guilt, not to her demons past and present, and not to anything else I just haven't thought of yet.

Whatever this is, we'll work it out. And it's not like I can't give her some more time to sort out her thoughts and feelings. She's got a lot to deal with, I just wish she'd let me in a little easier than she does.

Still, we do okay. I just need to chill and be a little more patient, just find my inner peace or my chi or my something stupid like that. In the time it takes for me to align my chakras, surely Faith will be ready, and if she's not, I will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sweet Side by Lucinda Williams

You run yourself ragged tryin’ to be strong

You feel bad when you’re doing nothin’ wrong

Love got all confused with anger and pride

So much abuse on such a little child

Someone you trusted told you to shut up

Now there’s a pain in your gut that you can’t get rid of

No one heard your screams when you were nine

When bad dreams filled your summertime

So you don’t always show your sweet side

You don’t always show your sweet side

You don’t always show your sweet side

You don’t always show your sweet side

You’re tough as steel and you keep your chin up

You don’t ever feel like you’re good enough

You had the blues ever since you were six

Your little tennis shoes and your pick-up-sticks

You were screamed at and kicked over and over

Now you always feel sick and you can’t keep a lover

Every Christmas there were presents to unwrap

But the things you witnessed when you were five and a half

So you don’t always show your sweet side…

Someone deserted you, the damage is done

Now you don’t deserve to be loved by no one

Hands that would feed you when you were two

Were the same hands that beat you black and blue

You get defensive at every turn

You’re overly sensitive and overly concerned

Few precious memories, no lullabies

Hollowed out, centuries of lies

So you don’t always show your sweet side…

I’ve seen you in the kitchen cookin’ me supper

I’ve listened to your bitchin’ and I've watched you suffer

I still love you baby ‘cause I know you

Don’t mean to do the cruel things you do

I’ve seen you sewin’ buttons on your shirt

I’ve seen you throwin’ up when your stomach hurt

I stick by you baby through thick and thin

No matter what kinda shape you’re in

‘Cause I’ve seen your sweet side

I see your sweet side…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Six

Come Undone

Man, the sun's bright today. It's hurting my eyes even with these sunglasses on. I don't remember the parking lot being so far from the front door either. Jesus, this kind of shit's why they make the nighttime. Great, everybody's in the lobby, perfect ending to a perfect night.

The plan's to move as quick as possible, no eye contact, no stopping or talking back. Xander says hi, Red gets to her feet but I blow by her, and G-Man's trying to say he'd like a word. Whatever, you assholes are way too slow…and then I barely stop in time when B slips in front of me. I bump her a little as it is, but she doesn't budge.

"Where have you been?"

"I was out."

"We noticed."

I wasn't seeing double anymore, and I didn't get why she was talking about herself like there was more than one of her.

"Good for you. I need to sleep now."

She didn't move except to slowly take off my sunglasses. Fuck, sunlight's really bright bouncing off a marble floor. I squinted at her trying to look tough, but I don't give a shit how cool you are – it can't be done, not when you're squinting in pain.

"You're drunk."

"That's where the sleep helps out."

She still didn't move and it was so quiet you coulda heard a Kleenex hit the floor.

"Faith…"

I don't know what she was gonna say, but after a pause she changed her mind and stepped aside. I didn't waste a second and headed up the stairs. Evidently there really was a God because I sure as shit didn't wanna talk it over with her; I just wanted to be left alone.

My place was nice and dark like a cave, the way I like it, and I tossed my jacket on the couch by way of the floor as I went past. I pissed, washed my hands, and splashed some cold water on my face. I glanced at myself in the mirror, and yeah, I looked like shit. I dunked my head under the faucet for a minute and let the cold water numb me. It felt like a real slice of Heaven and the pounding eased up, but the second I got out from under, the slice felt like it came straight from Hell and the pain was even worse.

I grabbed some aspirin out of the medicine cabinet and took a few, slurping them down before I shut off the water. I pulled off my shirt as I walked, unbuttoned my pants and sat down. It took more effort than I wanted to spend to tug off my boots and kick my pants all the way off, but I managed before I fell back on the bed.

It was time to thank God again because my pillows were soft and made me feel like maybe my head wasn't gonna crack open after all. It was nice and dark, there was no noise at all except the sound of me sniffling. Yeah great…time for the waterworks again. Shut up, Faith.

All I could think about was the talk. I hadn't planned to have it when we did, hell I wasn't planning to ever have it. But then life never goes how you want it to, at least not for me it doesn't, and why should this have been any different?

It was definitely my fault all the way. I've been acting bitchy as fuck, and even though I'd swear to myself that I wasn't gonna, I couldn't seem to help it. B tried to weather it out, but when you keep getting smashed by the storm you gotta start protecting yourself.

I knew if I kept going it would mean we'd have to get into it, but I couldn't stop being mad, hurt, fuckin' devastated. It'd been building for a while, and now I had it up and running. I was drinking a lot, something I knew B didn't like, and I wasn't exactly talking much or showing her anything good about me.

Still even with all of that set-up, I was surprised when it went down. I never would have thought the sun would be shining and it'd be two in the afternoon when the shit hit the fan. Not that I have a lot of experience with talks in general, but I just figured'em for the night time – maybe on a slow patrol or somethin’ like that.

We'd just had lunch, some leftover subs, and I was still sitting at the table wishing I could fuck her and drink myself to sleep. Despite everything, we were still having sex and it was still crazy good. I guess nothing can ever stop that, but it wasn't easy like it used to be.

We're all tense with each other and I think I always start off way too rough. Sure she's a Slayer and can handle it, but sometimes Buffy likes it gentle and girly. I tell myself to do it that way every time, but I never can anymore.

I take her and I take her hard, like I'm trying to…I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to show her how I feel or maybe I'm just trying to hold onto her, I don't really know. I just know I'm too rough and it doesn't make me feel good. I guess maybe it's not such a big thing because B usually slows me down, makes me fall in line. And it's not like she's a pushover or not rough herself sometimes, but I know I'm fucking it up.

Anyway, she was putting dishes in the dishwasher, I was sitting at the table, and just like always when Buffy's anywhere around, the sunlight was like a flood of warmth and goodness all over the place. I kept shifting, trying to edge out of its way, but just like it had eyes, it kept finding me. Right at the big moment my arm was resting as close as possible without tipping over into the light, and I didn't have a clue how long I could hold it off and still hold on.

"Faith?"

"Yeah?"

"We can't keep doing this."

I overreacted, or at least overreacted for the minute:

"Time to break-up, Princess?"

She looked like I'd slapped her.

"What? Why would you go there?"

I didn't answer her, but the truth of it was why wouldn't I? I'd been going there for weeks in my head, and the last few days I'd started earning frequent flyer miles. She stood there looking ticked off and a little scared, which meant she was gonna be majorly pissed if I didn't answer her.

"I don't know, B. I was just mouthin' off."

She sat down at the table and took my hand, winding our fingers together. I looked down and yeah, of course. The sunlight was all over us and man, did I ever wish it could mean what I wanted it to. I tried to pull back, but unless I wanted to go all Slayer on her, that wasn't gonna happen.

"I've been trying hard not to push, Faith, but whatever's going on is affecting us now and not in a good way. You need to tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing, it's not important."

"That's a lie and we both know it."

"Stop makin' a big thing."

"Stop pulling away from me."

I looked down at our hands again.

"B…"

She wasn't letting go, but I had to move. I pulled away and stood up, but it wasn't cool like in a movie and I looked like a jerk yanking away from her.

"It's my thing, okay? I'll deal with it."

"Like you have been? Because at the rate you're going…"

"Buffy, back off."

"Why? So you can just keep…"

"Leave it."

She was up and in my face.

"No, I'm not leaving it. You're not dealing, you're brooding and being all 'Dark Faith'. What's going on?"

I couldn't tell her. The second I did meant we were over and as pathetic as it made me, I just wanted to hold onto her as long as I could.

"Fuck this."

I headed for the door, but the flat of Buffy's hand slammed it closed a second after I opened it.

"I didn't let you get away with this when we were just friends and I'm definitely not going to now."

"Get your hand off the door."

"Or what, Faith? Are you going to hit me?"

"…I'm not gonna hit you. I'm asking you to let me open the door."

"No."

I turned to look at her and fuck me, she was beautiful. Her face was flushed, her eyes were angry and determined, and her Slayer strength and "Buffyness" were just pouring off of her. I wanted her so much, more than anything before or since, and I knew that would hold for every moment after I lost her. I stepped away from the door and tried to look calm.

"B, I'm just gonna grab some air. We can talk when…"

"I know how upset you are, Faith, and you're not walking out of here without telling me what's bothering you."

"This is stupid."

"Yes it is because you don't need to do this. Just talk to me. I'll listen, you know that."

I spun back around and tried to leave again, but this time her body pushed against mine, smashing me hard into the door. She so never plays fair.

"Baby, come on."

Her breath blew into my ear, her lips nibbled and her teeth nipped, then her tongue hit one of my spots.

"Don't, B…"

She ignored me and with so little effort on her part, she had me. It was something so Buffy: her smell, the feel of her skin, her voice all low in my ear, fuck she was so perfect.

"Tell me what's going on. We'll deal, then spend the rest of the day and night in bed."

Tempting offers didn't come any more tempting.

"B…"

"F..."

It took everything I had to slide out from between her and the door, and I groaned as I went, almost every part of me yelling for me to stay right where I was.

"Listen, we're not talking or fucking right now. I'm going out."

She was mad and frustrated, never a good mix for anybody, let alone B.

"What is the big deal? Why won't you just say it?"

"Leave it alone."

She grabbed my upper arm and it felt like a vise.

"Just tell me, Faith!"

I tried hard to shrug her off, to avoid her eyes, but she wouldn't let me.

"Buffy, please…"

"Tell me."

I wasn't going to, but she was too close. Her eyes were looking right into me and all of this emotion was humming between us. I just blurted it out:

"I fucking love you, okay?!"

The stunned look on her face hurt me more than anything ever has in my life. She stood there not moving, not speaking, looking nothing but shocked. She finally let go of my arm and I took a few steps back from her.

"You…you love me?"

"Yeah."

"…"

"Wow. Great talk, B."

She started looking a little more with it, her mouth was closed at least.

"I didn't know."

"What, I didn't do it right? Some important thing I left out?"

"No, it's just…you don't…you've never been in love with anybody."

"'Cept for this one chick from the second I met her."

"Faith…"

Now I was pretty sure I saw pity. Was it possible to wish yourself dead and really make it happen? Never worked when I was evil or on the road to recovery, but since I was a good guy now, I was hoping maybe the Powers would cut me a break.

"…I love you too."

There they were – the words I'd wanted to hear back in Sunnydale, in L.A., in prison, in Sunnydale again, in Italy, here in Cleveland for years. She loved me. Buffy loved me…but I knew and I couldn't pretend.

"How, B?"

"What?"

I knew not to, but I couldn't shut up and I pushed it.

"How do you love me?"

"I don't understand what…"

"Is it like a 'world changing, heart pounding, can't live without me' kinda love?"

"I…You make me happy, you make me feel safe."

"So like you feel about Red, only me and you, we got benefits. That how it is, B?"

She looked like I was pulling out her guts, everything showing on her face. Still shocked, trying to sell me on how she felt while doing her best not to hurt me.

I was just one in the crowd now, just some poor fool who'd thought they could win the heart of the fairy princess. Please let me die…

"No, of course not…I don't…It's different…You make me feel like I belong somewhere."

"Wow, cue the romantic music. I'm all swept off my feet here."

She reached for me, but I moved away.

"Faith, you're putting words in my mouth. I'm…I need to think here, okay? You caught me off guard."

"Off guard? We've been together almost eight fucking months, Buffy. Think you've had plenty of time to figure out how you feel."

"…"

"I need to go, I can't be here anymore."

I walked to the door, but she grabbed me and spun me around.

"Faith, please… "

She started crying and if only I owned a heart of stone I could have used it. Instead I put my arms around her and pulled her in tight. She leaned into me, her face nestling against my chest.

I held her for a few, then kissed the top of her head.

"I'm just gonna go get some air. I'll be back, okay?"

"I want you to stay."

"Yeah, well it's a day of nobody gettin' what they want."

And I left, only I wasn't gone for just a few hours like I thought I was gonna be. I was gone all night and all the next day and night too. I wanted to just keep going, to pretend I wasn't who I was, that we weren't where we were, but I do my best not to lie to Buffy anymore. I told her I'd be back so here I am, even though I don't see how it matters at all now.

I keep trying to stop thinking, but I can't. I feel like crying, running, anything to stop seeing how fucking shocked she looked. It was like she'd never even thought about love when it came to me, like she'd have been less surprised if Bigfoot got down on one knee and proposed to her.

I felt her before I heard her. She came into my room all quiet like she belonged, and she sat down on the side of the bed right next to me.

"Where were you?"

"I was out."

"Where?"

"No place, everywhere. I don't remember."

"…I was worried."

I rolled away from her which fucked up my perfect head sitch.

"I'm a big girl, Buffy."

"You're not acting like one."

I switched to my stomach, but that was no good, so I tried to go back to my original position.

"Whatever, okay? I just wanna…"

Her hand brushed against my hair and it seemed like she pulled all of the pain outta that part of my head. I wanted to roll away or better yet just leave again, but her hand was like magic and I couldn't move.

She stretched out next to me, her back against the headboard with both of her hands on my head. It felt so good I moaned and edged closer, which was stupid. When I have a hangover, the last thing I want's somebody touching my head, but B's fingers were perfect and the pounding was fading with every stroke. Her voice was soft and low:

"You're making this happen, Faith. It doesn't need to be like this."

Her hands wove through my hair to the back of my head and the relief I felt was so strong, I could have started bawling. Her fingers were massaging me just right and the hurt was disappearing. I sighed and she spoke up again:

"I just needed a minute to let it sink in, is all."

My head was on her lap now and I couldn't help snuggling in.

"Please, B…"

She bent down and kissed my cheek.

"Okay, just relax. We'll talk later."

Her hands kept doing their thing and she put me to sleep pretty fast. When I woke up she was gone and so was my headache. I took a hot shower and got dressed, planning to sneak out if I could. I knew if she spotted me she was gonna wanna talk, and that was the last thing I wanted. I was already embarrassed and gutted enough, so I opened the bedroom door careful and slow. Maybe she was downstairs or in the kitchen or in Red's room bitching about me.

Or maybe the place was all cleaned up, my jacket was hanging on the back of a chair, and B was sitting on the couch reading a magazine, watching me trying to sneak out on her.

"Well, you look a lot better."

"Yeah."

"Are you hungry? I made some…"

"No."

Then my stomach growled so loud it totally blew my cover.

"Come on, I've got it warming."

She led me to the kitchen, sat me down at the bar and started pulling some stuff out of the oven. She was trying to act like everything was normal, but I could tell by the way she held her body, the way she moved, that she was upset. And as fucked up as the sitch was, I didn't want Buffy hurting.

"B…"

She pulled this goulash thing I love out of the oven and put the hot dish on the stovetop.

"I know how much you like this, so I thought maybe…"

"Buffy…"

I went over to her then and wrapped her in a hug. She started crying, not some big dramatic sobs, just quiet and scared like a little kid.

"Don't cry, B…please."

We stood like that a while until I felt her nod. She stepped back, and I got out a couple plates and some silverware while she grabbed the bread and butter and two cokes.

The food was just right, one of the few meals that Buffy makes like a pro, and it felt good going down, 'specially when I knew for sure it wasn't coming back up. When we got done we just sat where we were, me tapping on the counter, B swirling her coke around in the can.

"B…"

She turned her head to look at me.

"Maybe it'd be best if I just…you know."

Now she was pissed, and she stood up and went almost nose to nose with me.

"If you what, Faith?"

"…"

"Say it, you coward."

"Hey, I'm trying to think about you here."

She looked like she wanted to paste me.

"You're not thinking about me at all. If you were, none of this would be happening."

"That's not true!"

"I don't want you to go, Faith, I never want you to go. I'm happy when you're with me, it's you who has some crazy idea how much…"

I got up then – mad, sad, scared, just every fucking emotion there was.

"So it's my fault because I want you to love me?"

"I do love you, you stupid idiot!"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

We just stood there staring at each other until she walked over and sat on the couch. Her head was down and she never looked up as she spoke:

"I love you, Faith."

"…Yeah, guess it's not enough."

"Why? We're so good together or we were until you started this whole thing."

I crouched down in front of her and took hold of her hands:

"I think maybe I should just go for a while and…"

"No! If you go you won't come back."

I couldn't really argue with that, so I tried to explain.

"I'm so in love with you, B. It's basic, like breathing or eating or slaying. I feel everything for you, and I'm all alone here."

Her hand rubbed along my cheek:

"You're not alone, I love you too."

My hand came up and took hers again. I kissed it, then let her go.

"But not the way I do, Buffy. And I guess…I guess I can't handle it."

"Faith, what are you talking about? I'm looking you right in the eye and telling you that I love you. You make me insanely happy, I don't want to be without you, how can that not be enough?"

"Look, I thought I'd be different. I thought I could be the one."

"The 'one'?"

She was starting to get pissed again, and I didn't know how far I should take it. I didn't wanna hurt her or get my ass kicked, but she really didn't seem to understand.

"I watched'em, B, every single one. They couldn't bust through, but I thought I could."

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't know?"

"No, all I know is you love me, I love you, and we should be in bed together wearing nothing but big smiles. Instead you're trying to break us up, for what? Some fantasy of how much I should love you? Show me where the marker is, Faith, and I'll do my best to jump through all the hoops to get there."

She was outright mad now and I was the last person who could calm her down. Still, I had to try:

"I'm not asking you to jump through…"

"So that's what this is all about then? Me being lacking in the love department? Well, no surprise there, I'm always lacking when it comes to love. Angel, Riley, Spike, Daniel…. Now here you are, the person I love the most, the one who makes me the happiest I've ever been, and I still can't measure up somehow."

"B…"

"Apparently I'm such a cold bitch I'll never make anybody happy. I guess I should be thanking you, Faith, for hanging in there as long as you did."

I just managed to get a hold of her as she cleared the door. My arms wrapped tight around her from behind and when I glanced down the hall, I saw Xander heading into his room. He was looking at us like he was caught in the middle of a war zone, and he just nodded and hurried inside. I could hear all of his locks turning as I hauled Buffy back into my place, flung her ahead of me, and got the door closed with both of us inside.

"Jesus, Buffy, would you…You're the one who likes to talk, so let's talk it through."

"Sorry, I'm not interested in standing here while you tell me how lousy I am at love, how much I've hurt you."

I could see the tears in her eyes and I felt so shitty. I just wanted to lay down on the floor and sleep for years. It wasn't all her fault, I knew that. I had way more issues than she did, and I knew they were somehow playing a huge part in how I felt. My buttons had definitely been pushed somewhere down the line and I guess you could say I was backsliding. And even though there was something kinda wrong with B when it came to letting people in, the biggest part was definitely on me.

"Fuck!"

I threw the glass dish I kept by the door into the wall by the window. We both just stood looking at it for a few, and I blew out a big breath trying to get some control of myself.

"B, look I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what I'm doing, which is wicked obvious since you think I'm blaming you for everything. I didn't mean…I'm just…Can we just be together tonight and forget about this shit for now? I miss you."

She didn't want to, but I saw her eyes soften.

"Fine, but if I wake up with you gone tomorrow..."

"I promise I'll be here. Slayer's honor."

We went into the bedroom, got undressed and into bed. King sized seemed huge what with all the distance between us. Her back was to me and I loved how her hair laid on her shoulder and how her muscles shifted when she breathed. I moved closer and brushed the hair off, replacing it with my lips.

She went stiff, but she made the little sound she makes when something feels good. I slid up right against her as I kept kissing. My hand trailed down her side, stopping at her hip to ease her back against me.

"Buffy, can I?"

She didn't answer, but I saw her hand go up to her face to wipe away some tears.

"B…please?"

She turned to me then, her face so sad and serious.

"I do love you, Faith..."

"I know, baby."

Her leg flung over my side and her arm wrapped around my back pulling me closer.

"…more than I've ever loved anyone."

I kissed her, soft and tender, but Buffy wasn't feeling that. She smashed us together, our bodies and our mouths, and we made love hard and fast…then we did it all again.

It was only after that that she let me do it like I'd started to: all easy and slow and gentle. I wanted her to feel me, to know that I loved her, and I think she did. I felt her too, but I didn't exactly know what it really meant. We were a mess, all fucked up in all kindsa ways, but we fit just perfect as we fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Come Undone by Jackson Waters

There are ways I’ve been fallin’

There are times that I’ve been too weak

There are moments I hear redemption callin’

But I’m too far down to speak

So come sweet fire of mercy

Cover up my skin

Warm me like the sun

Oh won’t you let me in

To come…come undone

To come…come undone

There are scars that I’ve been hidin’

There are ghosts that I do not name

There are closets I do not care to open

But they open all the same

So come sweet fire of mercy

Cover up my skin

Warm me like the sun

Oh won’t you let me in

To come…come undone

To come…come undone

Come…come undone

Come…Let me come undone

To come…come undone

To come…come undone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the Time in the World

Okay, now we're really having fun, the kind that's not fun at all and makes you feel like you want to die. We're in some sort of weird holding pattern that reminds me of how we used to move so carefully around each other years ago, before we became friends. Everybody's noticed of course, and the people who've had experience with us in the past all look like the world's going to end sometime soon. If Faith leaves me, I think maybe mine will at least.

I feel so incompetent, like I was playing at something I didn't really understand. I thought this was just about Faith, but I see now how it's about me too. I was so focused on keeping it light so that I wouldn't scare her away, I ignored the fact that I can be hard to reach sometimes, that I can put up a wall.

But I'm not in denial about that anymore, I'm facing it head on. The problem now is that I want to take the wall down and let Faith in, but I don't exactly know how. It's been too long, and it's become such a part of me it's like asking me to stop being a blonde…which with an example like that, maybe I am a natural blonde after all. It's just that habits are hard to break, and when they're habits you've developed from protecting yourself? Well, it turns out that breaking your relationship with the woman you love is a whole lot easier to do.

Of course none of that even addresses Faith's issues. A well-adjusted person, a person without her awful background might not be as affected by my craziness, but then that's not who I'm involved with. I'm involved with Faith, the most complicated woman on the planet, and it's time for both of us to start helping each other behave with a little less of the crazy and a lot more of the mature.

I keep thinking back to the big fight we had a few weeks before this current situation got dragged out into the open. It was really the only big fight we'd had since getting together, and I didn't understand it at all at the time. It seemed to be coming out of nowhere to me, although looking back on it with what I now know, it's unfortunately all too clear.

It started with another end of the world crisis, and Faith and I disagreed on how to handle it. That wasn't the argument, that kind of fighting we can do in our sleep. As usual, we were both right and wrong, and with the gang's help we got the job done and saved the day…again

Everybody survived the battle, and aside from a couple of minor scrapes and broken bones to a couple of the other girls, we emerged unscathed. Faith rode home with the injured and I went with Will so that we could talk about exactly what spells she was going to use to destroy the talisman. She explained that it was pretty straightforward and she could handle it alone, so it was all "mission accomplished" and I was officially off the clock.

I couldn't wait to get cleaned up and be with Faith. Hungry and horny is a very real Slayer thing, and it doesn't get any better than dealing with the "hornies" when you're with Faith Lehane. Add in that we love taking showers together, it was nothing but good times ahead.

First though we needed a real clean-up, we were both covered in demon blood and other disgusting goo. The unspoken plan was to meet back at my place, which is what we do all the time. Faith basically lives with me, although sometimes for a change of pace we go to hers or as she likes to call it: "The Sex Pad". I don't know.

She told me to go ahead and get the water warm, she just needed to check on something. I figured that meant she probably wanted a cigarette, which she supposedly no longer smokes. I look at it like what I don't know won't kill her, so I got into the shower and put the water on as hot as I could take it.

Over the years I've gotten used to having icky stuff on me, but that doesn't mean I'm not thrilled to wash it off. The shower in my room is custom built and it's huge with heads and jets all over the place. I get slimed on a regular basis, so I said it was spare no expense and no skimping on anything. A clean Buffy is a happy Buffy, so I explained in great detail that we all needed to work together and build me the bathroom of my dreams. Giles was good about it, even letting me get a big Jacuzzi tub. My aching and clean muscles thank him almost nightly for his generosity.

It wasn't long before Faith slipped in behind me and I didn't say anything or even turn around. My eyes were closed and they stayed that way through four scrubbings and three hair washings. When I was finished, I didn't move from where I was. Faith needed some extra time due to her late start, and I knew that looking at her would make it almost impossible for me to give it to her. The extra time, I mean.

The water felt so good, especially on my shoulder. I'd taken a really hard hit there and it was sore and bruised, but the heat was taking away the pain pretty easily. Besides, I had other aches that were much more pressing and much more interesting to deal with.

I finally turned to Faith who was looking a little rattled. I figured the "hornies" had hold of her, something I was more than capable of taking care of. I smiled at the sight of her perfect body, her breasts should have their own TV show, and practically drooled at the thought of what I was going to do to her.

"So, Apocalypse number…Huh, do you think somebody's keeping track of that?"

"Pretty sure Giles is."

"Well until we know the official tally, let's just say we averted world endage again for the billionth time."

She barely smiled which wasn't like her at all.

"Hey, everything okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

Okay, I also knew how to end the grouchies. I moved in closer and wrapped my arms around her, ready to make her happy, non-grouchy and non-horny too. That's me – Buffy, the Full Care Provider.

I kissed her and it seemed like she stiffened for a second, but I assumed I just imagined it. I ran my hand slowly down her back, my tongue in her mouth, and she flinched and actually made a yelpy noise as she pulled away.

"Faith, what's the matter?"

"It's fine."

She tried to return to the kissing, but no. I struggled to get a look at her back, but she kept moving around until I grabbed her arm hard and held her still. What I saw couldn't have shocked me more.

There was a really deep gash on her back and I quickly turned off the water. The blood was suddenly noticeable as it spattered on the floor and trickled slowly towards the drain. I took her by the arm again, but carefully this time, leading her out of the shower stall and over to the bed. I grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink as we left the bathroom, droplets of blood hitting the floor as we went.

"I need to see how bad it is and get the bleeding stopped."

She was walking with difficulty now, her adrenaline no longer zooming through her as the pain started to hit with full force. She sat on the edge of the bed and there was something about her that should have warned me, but I was way too focused on her wound to really process the signals she was sending out. I slipped on my robe and pushed on her carefully as I opened the kit, encouraging her to lie down on her stomach. She didn't move.

When I saw she was going to be stubborn, I stared at her without saying a word.

"What, B?"

"Lie down."

"Forget about it. Let's just…"

"Faith, I need to look at it."

"You looked, so let's…"

I kept staring and even though she was pissed, she finally did as I asked.

I was as gentle as I could be, and neither of us spoke as I wiped the blood away and checked to see if it was too deep for me to fix. She had the main gouge and a bunch of lesser scratches around it, making it obvious that she'd been clawed. She was lucky to be in as good of shape as she was.

"I don't like this."

"Yeah, me either. Wanna stop with the 'Florence Nightingale' routine and…"

"Why didn't you tell me how bad it was?"

"Didn't know."

I wondered if she'd gone crazy.

"Are you trying to say this doesn't hurt like hell?"

"No, I'm sayin' who gives a fuck?"

She sat up, and coupled with what she'd just said and how she'd said it, I was not happy at all.

"I give a fuck, Faith."

"B, it's no big. It barely even hurts so…"

"Now you're going to outright lie to me?"

"Okay, fine, it hurts! Happy?"

"Lie down, you need stitches."

She thought about arguing with me, but when she saw that I meant business, she did what I told her to. I folded a small towel and used it as a compress to try and stop the bleeding.

"I think Dr. Jansen is on call and…"

"We're not calling anybody. Just sew it up and get it over with."

"But we don't have any numbing stuff and …"

"For fuck's sake, Buffy, I think I can handle it!"

She was mad as hell, which if anybody should have been mad it was me. She was acting like a bitch and I didn't get it.

I put on some gloves and got everything set up.

"Ready?"

"Yeah, like about a hundred hours ago."

I carefully removed the bloody towel and started stitching her up. I worked as fast as I could because despite Faith pretending it was no big deal, I knew it was really hurting her. I hated causing her pain and by the time I was finished, I'm not sure which one of us was the happiest.

We hadn't said a word the whole time I was working on her, and it was me who broke the silence. I took off my gloves and packed up the kit before I gathered the trash.

"We need to be careful, I'm not sure those are going to hold. You stay there while I get you something to drink. You'll have to wait to eat, but I could maybe get you…"

She sat up trying to stifle her groan, which was a total lost cause. I thought that was the craziest thing she could do, but then she stood up. She was all shaky and she went white, and I wanted to kill her.

"Stop bein' such a fucking nag. Not like you don't know the deal."

I wanted to punch her back onto the bed or at least shove her down, but that would have probably ripped her stitches apart so I restrained myself. It was hard to do though because she was pushing every hot spot I had, and it somehow seemed like she was doing it on purpose.

"But I don't ignore when I'm really hurt, Faith, and I don't act like an idiot either. You need to be still so you don't start bleeding again. It's really deep and you've already lost a lot of blood. I still think we should call Doctor…"

"Buffy, I'm not gonna just lay here and I'm not seeing any doctor. Now would you stop tryin' to win Brownie points by pretending you give a shit, and just leave me the fuck alone?"

I couldn't believe what she'd said. It was so over the top for the situation and so out of bounds at any time. It was just mean, it wasn't true, and to me it came out of nowhere.

"B…"

She reached out to me, but I stepped back.

"No, don't touch me."

She didn't, she just stood there like the asshole she was.

"You go ahead and say whatever crap you want to, but you're going to get back into that bed and not move until your Slayer healing has had a chance to work."

"B, I didn't mean…"

"Get in bed."

And she did. Alone.

I went and got her six aspirin and a large glass of orange juice with a straw. I crouched down and helped her shift slightly so that she could swallow the pills and drink, and it took three glasses before she was no longer thirsty. She started to say something, but I picked up my pillow and walked out of the room. There were spare sheets and blankets in the hall closet and I made up the couch.

I checked on her every half hour and after two hours, I carried her to the bathroom and back after helping her do her business and get her t-shirt and boxers on. I spent the rest of the night checking on her, and it was almost 5:30 before I was sure that the stitches had done their job. The wound still looked ugly, but her Slayer healing was working at full steam.

"I think you're good. The stitches are holding and there's no bleeding."

"B…I'm sorry. Before when I…I shouldn't have said that."

"No, you shouldn't have."

I was mad and I was hurt, and I didn't want to talk to her. I went back to the couch to try and get some rest, but it wasn't long before she was there. I really wanted to yell at her for walking already, but I'd had enough. Let her kill herself if she wanted to so much.

She sat down carefully and pulled my legs onto her lap.

"Don't be mad I came out here. I went slow and I'm not doin' anything to pull the stitches."

"Great."

I was facing the couch and I had no plans to turn around.

"Buffy, can we talk?"

"…"

"Please, B?"

"I guess."

"Look, I didn't mean that; it was wrong of me to say it. I don't know why I…Okay, yeah, I do know why I said it, okay? I just…I was having trouble letting you look after me. I've never had anybody do that before and it made me freak out."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"I like it, B, I do, but sometimes if shit's stirred up inside me, I get all…I don't know what I get, but I know I act like an asshole and I'm sorry."

I turned onto my back, leaving my legs on her lap.

"I think I understand, but you need to understand too. Of course I care about you and want to look after you when you're hurt. I wanted to do that when we were just friends, but you always blew me off. Now that we're in a relationship…"

"I get it's changed."

I didn't know what to say. I was glad she was finally acting normal, but I was still upset and worried.

"Faith, I know your life's been really different than mine, and I get how it messes up stuff for you now. But…you have to know I care about you and…"

"Yeah, I know, B."

"…you have to know it's not okay that you don't sometimes."

She was shocked and her grip tightened on my legs.

"Buffy, there's never a time I don't care about you."

"What?"

"I always care about you, don't ever doubt that."

Boy, talk about making my point for me.

"I know you care about me, Faith. I meant sometimes you don't care about you."

"Oh. Fuck, I thought you thought…"

I swung off her and stood up.

"And that relief you're feeling? That's sort of what I'm talking about."

"Huh?"

"How would you feel if I acted like you did tonight?"

"…Not good."

I started to pace, but made myself stop after a couple of back and forths in front of the sofa.

"Why did you think it was okay not to tell me you were hurt?"

"I didn't… I didn't have some big plan. Yeah my back was killing me, but…I didn't wanna make a big deal about it."

Her words made me feel so sad and I felt like I could start crying. And murder her.

"That's great. So you what? Figured I wouldn't notice a gaping hole in your back, we'd have sex, and afterwards you'd bleed to death in my arms because you didn't want to make a scene?"

"I'm sorry, okay? For like the fifth time now."

"Is there some limit on how many times you can be sorry, Faith?"

"No, I just…I don't know what else you want me to say."

She really was an idiot. A stupid, damaged, hurt, abused idiot, and she just broke my heart sometimes.

"How about: 'I understand what you're saying, Buffy. I'll make sure to care about myself in the future, if not for me, then for you.' That'd be a really nice start."

"Fine, I'll do my best to give a shit, okay? Now can we just let this drop?"

I didn't want to let it drop, but we were both tired and she really needed to sleep and recover. I sighed and then offered her my hand:

"I left Giles a message that we were taking the day off, so let's just get some sleep."

We got into bed and after a subtle hint where she practically whimpered and nuzzled against me like a lonely puppy, I held out my arms. She fell asleep pretty fast, but I had a little more trouble. I tried to tell myself I was making a big deal out of a little glitch, but it didn't feel like a little glitch. It felt like I was involved with an abused kid who didn't want to admit when she needed help, an abused kid who was now a woman who didn't expect even the most basic of care from her lover.

It also felt like she didn't understand how I felt about her, but I just knew that couldn't be true. There was absolutely no way she couldn't see how happy she made me, there was no possibility that there was any confusion at all when it came to that.

I tightened my arms around her and kissed her cheek.

"You're safe with me, Faith. I promise you you're safe."

Good thing she didn't hear that promise that night because it was obviously one I couldn't keep. She doesn't feel safe with me, she doesn't feel loved either…at least not enough.

I never said it to her or got any deeper than I had to because I was trying to keep her at ease. I didn't want her freaking out on me, but of course by keeping it casual as much as I could, I made her think that I wasn't really into our relationship. The big bonus benefit with that was that I could keep myself emotionally protected a little bit too. I guess you could say I hedged my bets like I always do in any relationship, and Faith sensed it.

She reads people better than anyone I've ever known and she read me perfectly as far as that goes. It turns out that our combined history has every angle covered when it comes to us screwing up our relationship. Yep, Faith and I complement each other so perfectly, even our bad traits mesh together like they were made for each other. Thanks to those insecurities we're now in a huge mess.

But the good news is now that I understand what's going on, I think I can fix it. I just have to start dealing and dealing fast because otherwise Faith is going to be gone, and there is no way I want that to happen. Not ever.

She's still here, but she could decide just to take off at any minute. I feel like I'm on pins and needles all the time, and it's a horrible way to live. She's completely convinced that it's over, that there's no hope, but I don't believe that for a second. This is simply a glitch, a snafu, a wake-up call, and I will totally hang onto her leg if she tries to walk out the door.

I don't have any pride when it comes to that part of it. I want her, I need her, and I know we can work it out, even though she has no skills to deal with this kind of thing. That means it's mostly on me, which is kind of scary since I'm not exactly the Martha Stewart of long term relationships…which I'm fairly certain makes no sense as crafts aren't involved and we'd be in even bigger trouble if they were.

But I don't care if I'm talking stupid or if I'm forced to stencil our driveway. We're going to do the hard work and get through this if I have to kill us both to do it. All we need is for me to open up a little bit more and for her to understand that she's wonderful and well-worth loving. She has to learn to believe me when I tell her that I love her, and I have to understand that I'm in love and there's no holding back because I'm afraid she's going to leave me.

All we need is some time to make the adjustments that will get us past this stuff.

"Yeah, right. Nobody gets past shit like this, B."

"Yes they do, and besides – I don't care what other people do. They're not us."

She keeps trying to put it on a deadline. Like if we're not "here" by "then" it's over, we'll never make it.

"Faith, things like this take time. Just let us try without you making it 'do or die' right this second."

"It is do or die, B."

We had a big fight yesterday. I finally blew up at her, even though I repeatedly swore to myself that I wasn't going to do that. She's depressed and scared, and not the most pleasant person to be around right now. She's still drinking way too much even though I've asked her about a thousand times not to. She's bitchy and she's antsy too…in other words, she's a lot like Faith in the old days.

But this isn't the old days and we're not anywhere close to who we used to be. I know who she is now and I'm in love with her. Even though the confident woman who came after me seems to be long gone, I know she's still right here and I want her back. I love what we have and I'm fine with taking it to the next level. Now that everything's all out in the open, I can face up to everything and I can make changes.

It turns out that what I've always been waiting for is Faith, and now I have her. At least I think I still do, otherwise she'd be long gone by now. I know for a fact that she loves me, and looking back I can see she always did. I really dropped the ball on that one, but okay, I've picked it back up and I'm going to do something with or to it that means something crazy good in some sport.

So anyway, we were supposed talk yesterday and despite agreeing to that the night before, Faith clearly didn't want to when the time came. She'd been mad all day, drinking from lunchtime on, which means from the second she got up. Giles had spoken to me earlier that morning about taking her off of active Slayer duty, but I'd begged him not to. I suggested he keep pairing us together alone because that way if she got anybody hurt, it would just be us.

"Buffy, as much as I understand there's a rather unfortunate situation occurring, I cannot in good conscience continue…"

"Giles, please just give us a little more time. We'll get it straightened out soon, I promise."

"Perhaps I should try speaking with her again. Maybe this time she'll listen."

"I don't think she will, but I'm all for you trying…just not right now, okay?"

I could see he had doubts and was worried about both of us, but he simply nodded and gave me the smile he always does when he thinks I might get myself killed.

The day dragged by and then finally Faith and I had our calm night of dinner and conversation. The meal went well enough even though she was a little on the quiet side, but things changed completely when the conversation part of the evening rolled around. Her idea of talking was to give me one word answers to everything I asked, and she didn't speak at all unless I made her. I let it go for about ten minutes hoping she'd perk up, but then I'd had enough.

One word answers combined with her swigging her drinks straight from the bottle did not put me in a happy place, and I wanted to smack her upside the head to make her stop acting like an obnoxious brat.

"Faith, do you think you could put a little more effort into this?"

"Yeah."

I did my best to stay calm, but it wasn't working very well.

"You should probably know that I'm at the point where I'm going to punch you if you give me another one word answer."

"Go ahead."

I just sat there staring at her while she refused to look at me; counting in my head until I was sure I had my temper under control.

"Wow, just imagine if you tried this hard to fix things instead of making everything worse by being a smart ass."

"Imagine."

And no, I didn't punch her, but I did snatch her bottle of Jack Daniels and break it into a million pieces against the wall.

"What is this, Faith? I'm right here and I want you. I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to keep you, so maybe you could try concentrating on that instead of counting down the minutes until you leave."

I don't know if it was what I said or the destruction of her alcohol, but Faith was furious.

"Want me to drop to my knees now and offer my thanks? I'm countin' down the fucking minutes because that time's coming, Buffy. All that's stopping it from being now is that you feel guilty."

We had a huge argument then with both of us tossing out plenty of insults and blame. It ended with me storming off to the bedroom and her heading into the kitchen for a fresh bottle.

She's convinced herself that I don't love her and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to let go of that. No matter what I say or do, she's determined to break us up. It's crazy, but it's where she's at and so it's where I'm at too. I'm also mad at her because she's keeping us here, and I'm mad at myself as well because I'm the fool who led the way in the first place.

Oh yeah, we're having all kinds of fun now…and I'm scared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the Time in the World by Naked Blue

The perfect moment captured

Like sunshine when it rains

But it’s gone just seconds after

And I don’t know if it’s comin’ back again

If I could I would lay you down

I’d give you all the time in the world

If you could would you change your mind

I’ll give you all the time in the world

Is it so crazy that I could still believe

You’re in love instead of planning how to leave me

If I had a choice I would have a plan

And I would find a way to finally make you understand

If I could I would lay you down

I’d give you all the time in the world

If you could would you change your mind

I’ll give you all the time in the world

Just take your time baby

The perfect moment captured

Every time I lay my eyes on you

Then you’re gone just seconds after

And there’s nothin’ I can do…Nothin’ I can do

If I could I would lay you down

I’d give you all the time in the world

If you could would you change your mind

I’ll give you all the time in the world

Oh take your time baby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Seven

Humpty Dumpty

There's nothing good going on here, not at all. B keeps trying and I don't know why. I'm fading away, although I'm moving way faster than a fade and way faster than the sitch deserves. I feel…I feel crazy or something. Not like when I was crazy for real, I mean, I'm not about to kill or hurt anybody. But I feel just like I used to: alone, no hope, like I don't deserve anything good, and like Buffy's so far out of my reach, she'll never be mine.

Which I know is stupid. Can't say somebody's out of reach when they're right next to you in bed. Not when you can feel their warm, soft skin against yours, not when her arm is wrapped around your hips and her breath is blowing soft and steady against your shoulder blade. Nobody's out of reach when their leg's all mixed up with yours.

But then there's the whole emotional thing and that's where I'm alone or lost or crazy or every damn one of those things. B keeps insisting that we'll be okay, that we're gonna make it, but I know we're not. I should just leave now, yesterday, last week, but I don't know how I can live without her. And she's going to be hurt – just one more breakup in a string of them – and this time I won't be there to help her through it.

She doesn't seem to understand what's going on, why she can't change my mind or as she puts it: "get through to me". I guess I don't really get it either, I just know I can't seem to stop myself from sliding down. It hurts so bad and all I can do is drink and plan how to leave. Everything I say to her comes out angry and mean, and I hate myself for talking to her like that.

She just keeps letting shit roll off her when normally she'd punch me right into next week. She's acting like this is just a bump in the road when the truth is – my ass should have been kicked to the curb a long time ago. B keeps holding on tight and I guess maybe even though she's not really in love, she doesn't wanna lose a friend.

It got pretty bad a few nights ago. I'd been gone for two days, just drinking, drugging, whoring, and fighting my way through the hours, and when I finally showed up at home she was pissed. I blew past her and headed for the shower without a word, wondering how much longer until it was over for good. When I got out , she was sitting on my bed, her back against the headboard with her arms holding a pillow tight against her chest.

Her head was down and I'm such a selfish bitch now, I was glad to see that her body language was more sad than mad. Not that I wanted her sad either, but that was the one that was better for me for the most part. When she's mad, B's dangerous in all kindsa ways, but since she wasn't standing with her hands on her hips or her arms crossed over her chest, I figured I was safe.

Yeah, I'm a dumb ass all the way around 'cause when I tossed my towel and started to get into bed, B's head shot up and I got a good look at her eyes. I almost shit myself because Buffy wasn't home, leastways not alone. The Slayer had tagged in and was looking at me like I was the vamp of the hour.

"Where were you?"

For a second I seriously couldn't talk. My mouth went so dry from that look, I had to fight to get enough spit back to swallow and move my tongue. I decided to bluff my way out of it because it wasn't going to do me any good if B saw I was actually scared of her.

"No place special."

"'No place special'?"

She said it all calm and with a smile that never touched her eyes. They looked like green ice, like at any second pieces were gonna bust off and stab me in every vital spot I had.

"Buffy, I don't feel like talking, so wanna move over and…"

She wasn't moving an inch and I started bracing for impact.

"Willow did a locator spell."

Oh shit.

I didn't say anything, just stood there looking at the floor and wishing I was someplace, anyplace else.

"Did you have a nice time?"

"…"

"I hope you did. I hope you had a great time and it was worth it."

And right there, just like that, was my out. She was done with me – disgusted, betrayed, I'd shown her what a louse I really was. It was perfect and she stood up slow, staring a hole in me as she did. I couldn't look anywhere near her, but I didn't need to. Her eyes were burning me and it hurt.

"I never thought you'd…Never, Faith."

I could feel her, the pain and betrayal living large between us.

"I didn't. I would never do that to you."

I am such an idiot. My opening was right there, she was walking away like I wanted her to, but I just couldn't let her think that about me. Whether it was for her or for me, I'm not sure, I just knew I couldn't let that lie be a part of our history.

She stopped walking when she heard my voice, but she didn't turn around:

"And I should believe you because?"

"Because I don't lie to you."

I saw her nodding, then she faced me:

"Say it, Faith. In actual words."

"I didn't fuck her or anybody else. I just needed a place to crash, is all. Nothing happened: no touching, no kissing, no sex of any kind. She went to work after like an hour and I just slept it off on her couch before I came home."

Buffy walked over to stand in front of me and slapped me right across the face. I rocked back a step and just stood looking at her while she said her piece:

"I am so tired of you trying to make me walk away."

Then she left me standing there with her handprint tattooed on my left cheek. I heard the front door close and I got into bed, mad at myself.

I should have let her think I cheated; I could have been out of her life, but no, somehow I couldn't do that. Because no matter how shit I am, I need her to know I'm not that low. There's gotta be something good or at least decent in me, even if it's somethin' small.

Despite what I said before, all I'm doing when I go out is fighting and drinking. I'm not whoring around and I'm not doing any drugs because I'm not going back there no matter how fucked up I am. The truth of it is I barely get into fights either. I don't wanna hurt anybody, except me, and I can do that best all by myself.

I know I have to go. If I don't I'm gonna take her down with me, and that can't happen. I won't let it, no matter what. I've already fucked up a perfect chance to end it with her, but I'm weak, is what it is, and it's just so hard to walk away when she wants me to stay.

I love her so much it makes me stupid, makes me believe sometimes that we can make it. I don't even know anymore how all this got started, why I can't just be satisfied with what we have. I've always had to settle for what I could get my whole life, why this is such a big issue for me makes no fucking sense no matter how much I think about it. And thinking is way harder than it oughta be.

It's like everything's in a fog and I don't know where I am or where I'm going. I don't even get the point of it anymore. I just know that I can't be with her, that she shouldn't be with me, and that this big brave move I made has backfired on us way worse than I ever imagined it could. I've fucked everything up and I don't know what else to do but leave…so I stay.

Willow tried talking to me a few days ago, but that went nowhere fast. I put up a front and was a real cunt to her. I kept ignoring her, being a mean smart ass and pushing all of her buttons until she ended up slamming me hard against a wall. Her eyes were black, but she still kept a grip on the red hair.

"Wanna let me move?"

"How can you do this, Faith? You're really just going to throw Buffy away? I thought you were way smarter than that."

"Guess you were wrong. Now let go of me."

"She loves you, why can't you let her show you?"

"Not your business. Now get your fucking magic offa me."

She took her sweet time lifting the spell, her face all kinds of upset. After a big stare down that she won, she turned away from me and huffed her ass out of sight down the hall with a parting shot:

"You're being such a stupid, selfish jerk."

Xander tried talking too, but he doesn't have any magic power, and after a couple minutes I just brushed him off like he was nothing and went on my way. I ducked Giles and his scheduled "Watcher/Slayer chats", and Dawn was off on some kinda book buying mission. That left me free and clear to fuck everything up, nobody could stop me…except for the woman I'm busy crushing flat one day at a time.

She's always there, looking right at me, day in and day out, her beautiful eyes watching my every move and trying to make things okay again. Except she's not looking at me now because she's out on patrol, which is where I should be. Giles took me off active duty, said to think of it like "sick leave" instead of the suspension it really was. The bottom line is I can't be trusted, so I'm out, which means “in” all fucking night long.

Doesn't stop me from slaying though. I just head out on my own and do what I gotta do. I usually pick-up an escort somewhere along the way, and yeah, most times it's B. Otherwise it's Glinda and her Flying Monkey pet that babysit me like I'm deficient. Which in some ways, I guess I am.

Buffy and I don't talk about it, but she knows I know she tags along and I know she knows I know. But like with everything else I'm not big on talking it over, so it all goes unsaid. Tonight she had to supervise this group of troublemakers that nobody else can handle but her and me, so she asked me not to go out.

"You'll stay in then?"

"Said so already."

"But you didn't promise."

That pissed me off because I really was planning to go out and she knew it, which is why she shoved us right to a promise. I don't ever break those, so I was boxed in tight and not happy about it.

"Yeah, fine. I promise to stay in."

She leaned down and kissed me.

"Thank you. I'll bring pizza from 'Frankie's', okay?"

"Great."

I was totally pouting as she headed out, but I hollered after her:

"Be careful, B. Janey's got a habit of not listening when it counts most."

"Okay."

"You get into a real sitch, knock her ass out. Safer that way."

She smiled at me, a real one without all the worry that's always riding along now.

"I'll keep it in mind, F."

Then she was gone, out into the night where we both belonged, but instead I was left on the couch flipping past a buncha shit I didn't wanna see. There were at least sixty-five channels showing some version of "Law and Order", and if the end of the world ever happens, it's gonna be just roaches and this show still partying on.

With nothing else to do, I sat around and drank. And then I drank some more. That was it, the extent of what went down until B and the pizza came home a few hours later. She got three: one each and one to split, and she told me to dig in while she took a shower. I waited though, ripping a little loose cheese off mine before heading into the kitchen to grab myself a beer and B a coupla Diet Cokes.

It didn't take long before she was next to me on the couch, her legs tucked under her to the side as she ate her pie. We inhaled our own in quiet, then dug into the shared one. I popped open her second can and she smiled when I handed it to her.

It was nice, peaceful, and I was getting pissed and didn't exactly know why. My question came out a lot angrier than I meant it to, and I already sounded like an asshole with just one word:

"So?"

"'So' what, Faith?"

"How'd it go tonight?"

"It went good. I yelled at Janey twice, but I didn't have to hit her."

"Any other problems?"

I couldn't shake the shitty tone and she didn't answer right away, instead taking a bite of her pizza and swallowing.

"You could come along next time and see for yourself."

"Gee, maybe you didn't get the memo – I'm not allowed out anymore."

She gestured at the bottle sitting on the table:

"You would be if you'd stop with this."

I wasn't going to say anything, but she kept looking at me and I knew I kinda had to.

"Don't worry about it."

I barely got the words out before I knew it was the exact wrong thing to say.

"So what then, Faith – I shouldn't worry about anything?"

"Buffy…"

"Wow, that's such a relief! Here I've been nothing but worried for weeks, but now since you're telling me…"

I grabbed my beer as I stood up to walk out of the room, but Buffy was faster. She snagged it first, then stood to face me.

"…everything's okay, well boy, don't I just feel so much better."

I kept walking, but Buffy came right with me following me into the bedroom.

"I'm not up for this tonight, B, so just…"

"And you never are, are you, Faith?"

"Listen…"

She slammed the bottle down on the dresser so hard the beer foamed up and over.

"No, you listen – this might have started off as me keeping a wall between us, but it's something else now. You're having a breakdown or..."

"I'm not having a breakdown, stop bein’ so dramatic."

"So what would you call it? You're practically a drunk, you're depressed, angry, unhappy, you won't listen to anybody…You're just like you used to be."

"Fuck you! I am not!"

That pissed me off because that was exactly what I was scared shitless was happening, and I'd rather kill myself than be that monster again. And she was right: what had started out as a legit problem was now like some weird puzzle with a buncha pieces missing. I'd started off having the high ground, but now I was just a fuck-up ruining everything I touched.

Sure we'd both screwed up, but Buffy was trying hard to fix it, to make it right. I wasn't doing anything to help, I was just sinking down into the shit and waiting for her to tell me to leave.

"Faith...I didn't mean that, not like that anyway."

"…"

"I'm just saying we have to work this out together, and it doesn't help if you're drunk all the time."

"Helps me just fine."

That was a perfect example of what an asshole I'd become. I knew what she was saying and I also knew she was right, but I couldn't just say that to her. Instead I had to be a bitch about it, make it as hard for her as possible while I pushed her away.

She just stood there looking at me, and I felt about five inches tall.

"So you're not even going to try anymore?"

My heart sped up because there was maybe something final in her voice.

"You leave for days at a time, you refuse to talk to me when you're here, you drink yourself to sleep…"

I just stood there looking at her and I saw the tears coming.

"I'm sorry, Faith, I never meant to make you hate me."

"I don't hate you, B."

"I…I don't know what else to do, how to make you understand that I love you. I was just scared before and I didn't even realize what I was doing. I'm trying everything I know to make it up to you, but I don't think it's even about that anymore."

She started crying for real then and I could barely understand her:

"I don't want you to leave me."

Like always, I went to her. She tried to push me away, but I held on until I felt her arms go around me.

"Shh…B, don't cry."

Which how stupid was that to say? I did nothing all day and night except treat her like shit, then when she finally breaks, I don't want her to be upset. Yeah, I'd fallen way off the high ground for sure and I needed to go away before it got worse. There was no way she deserved what I was handing out, and the truth of it was I didn't have a clue what the hell I was doing or why.

Her lips on my throat brought me back to the moment.

"Faith, please…"

"B…"

I tried to peel her off because how was sex what we needed? I needed to tell her goodbye and actually leave, maybe go get my head on straight and maybe for once understand what my deal was. But she wasn't letting go, and her tongue hit the spot behind my ear that she knew drove me nuts.

"B…this isn't…"

She pushed me back onto the bed all gentle, her hands sliding under my shirt to bring the girls front and center.

"I love you."

"Buffy…"

Her touch was so soft and there was nothing in the world that could have made me walk away from her right then. Her lips met mine and I gave in because she's Buffy. She'll always be it for me – her smell, her taste, her touch, the way her body moves with mine, the way she says my name. I can't resist her, I never could and I never will. She's everything to me…So perfect, so beautiful, and so everything I will ever need and want.

We made love for a long time, she cried on and off, and I guess I did my share too. I worshiped her, trying to let her feel what I felt for her, and I did my best to get in a lifetime of loving. She finally fell asleep and I held her close, listening to her breath blowing in and out, my face in her hair and inhaling her scent as I tried to memorize it. My hand grazed along her skin hoping to burn the softness into my fingertips, hoping to burn every kiss, touch, and word into my mind forever.

It was a couple of hours before sunrise when I slid out from under her. I dressed quick, grabbed my jacket and the shirt she'd been wearing, and went to my own room. I packed a bag and wrote her a letter telling her I was gone and why, shut off the lights on my way out, and slipped the note under her door as I passed by.

I stopped at the top of the stairs and looked back. Somehow before I knew it, I actually had my hand on the doorknob with my forehead leaning against the door. I must have stood there for five minutes before I could make myself move. I kissed the door, stood up straight, and headed downstairs.

Nobody was in the lobby and I opened the side door, re-locking it behind me as I went. I tied my bag down and walked my bike out of the parking lot a ways away before I kicked it to life. I looked back one more time, wondering how far I was gonna go.

"Goodbye, B."

And then I took off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humpty Dumpty by Aimee Mann

Say you were split, you were split in fragments

And none of the pieces would talk to you

Wouldn’t you want to be who you had been

Well baby I want that too

So better take the keys and drive forever

Staying won’t put these futures back together

All the perfect drugs and superheroes

Wouldn’t be enough to bring me up to zero

Baby you’re great, you’ve been more than patient

Saying it’s not a catastrophe

But I’m not the girl you once put your faith in

Just someone who looks like me

So better take the keys and drive forever

Staying won’t put these futures back together

All the perfect drugs and superheroes

Wouldn’t be enough to bring me up to zero

So get out while you can

Get out while you can

Baby I’m pouring quicksand

And sinking is all I had planned

So better just go

Oh better take the keys and drive forever

Staying won’t put these futures back together

All the perfect drugs and superheroes

Wouldn’t be enough to bring me up to zero

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Couldn’t put baby together again

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Couldn’t put baby together again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Come on Get Higher

I wish I'd snap out of this. It's been almost a week now and I'm still just slogging through every long hour of every long day. Nothing's fun, nothing makes me happy except for those few precious seconds when I'm unlocking my door so I can go inside and shut myself away for the night. It always makes me feel better, but then the pain hits me even harder because it's just not enough of her to satisfy me. How could it be?

I feel awful. All I want to do is sit in the window seat and eat ice cream as I stare out into the night. I can't remember the last time I felt this bad. Maybe when Mom died, but that's not really the same because it's a different kind of ache. Death is its own misery, so all-consuming it doesn't compare to anything else. There's no real way to describe how it feels to lose someone you love and lose them for good. One second they're there, the next they're just gone and yet you stupidly keep right on living.

Great, so it's not enough that I'm going through the most painful separation ever, I have to bring losing my mom into it. Maybe I can also find some way to obsess about sending Angel to Hell and watching Spike die believing I didn't love him at all…and no, it doesn't escape my notice that it's the exact same problem happening now, only different.

For some reason I don't show the people I love how I feel about them, so they have to go set themselves on fire or drink themselves into a stupor every day until they run away from me. I'm not happy with myself in general for being that kind of person and I'm devastated that my faults have shoved the love of my life away from me.

It's funny to me now that I was so sure way back then that Angel was my soul mate. What we had was love, true love, perfect, all consuming, eternal true love, and it was everything. There I was, just a young girl, and I'd found my life already. How many people ever do that at any point, let alone when they're only sixteen years old? Lucky me, I was all locked in happily ever after forever, and oh my God, could I have been any more naïve?

Of course the real joke is that even though I was naïve, I was also right – I just had the wrong soul mate. The fact that I thought it was the other dark, brooding, gorgeous person, well, that's the kind of mistake anybody could make. And make it I did, as well as a million others, a theme I'm unfortunately continuing to this day.

Will and Xander keep trying to cheer me up, but what's the point? If she doesn't come back…Okay, she'll come back, I know that much for sure. She's way too responsible when it comes to being a Slayer not to, but when it comes to me, I guess it could maybe be over. At least she could think it is.

I screwed up, I freely admit that, but then I fixed it…or was trying my best to fix it. But Faith? She did nothing except make it just as hard as possible, then when that didn't work for her, she left. And I don't exactly get it, at least not totally.

I mean, I understand that I hurt her, that I hit some sore spot when it comes to her thinking people can't love her. But I do love her and once I got that there was a problem, I did everything I could to show her. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be for me to open up, I guess that's what true love will do for you, but at some point the issue between us changed and it was no longer about my shortcomings. Instead we're dealing with some problem Faith has.

Okay, so what we need to do is adapt and deal with the new problem; at least that was my plan. But Faith would rather make the sweetest love to me ever made, then sneak off to anywhere else. I'm not saying I'm surprised she did that, I sensed it was coming which is partly why I kept crying during the sex, but it still makes me mad that she didn't face me before she left.

She slunk off like a coward because she knows as well as I do if she had to get past me to leave, it never would have happened. And I don't mean that physically, although I'm still fully willing to hang onto her leg to stop her. What I mean is that if she had to deal with me, had to see me, hear me, feel me, she wouldn't have been able to go.

This is all so stupid I want to smash her in the face. We couldn't be more good together if somebody designed us…which maybe they did. All I know for sure is that when I'm with her I feel exactly like myself, and that's not something anyone else has ever been able to make me feel. Everything clicks into place when I'm with her and I know I'm right where I belong. As stupid as it sounds at this point, I know it's like that for her too. She loves me, wants to be with me, and everything in her settles when we're together…or it does when she lets it, which hasn't been a lot of the time lately.

I don't where she is or what she's doing, and I don't I know if …when she's coming back. And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Go after her? Give her space? Just sit here and beg for any scraps of attention she might throw my way? I do still have some self-esteem left, and I don't think I can be the little lady who just sits passively waiting for her to come home. That's not me, although I suppose when it comes to Faith, it maybe, kind of sadly is.

The phone rings, but I let it go to voice mail. I'm sure it's Willow or Dawn inviting me to have a sleepover or maybe Xander asking if I feel like having a movie night. But I don't want to watch movies or sleep. I just want to think about her, worry about her, figure out how to help her. And why it's so hard to help her in a way that actually helps her, I have no idea.

I know Faith, I should be able to find the magic words or the magic something that will make a difference for her. I want to make her understand that it's okay that we can't predict the road ahead. It doesn't matter where we go, where we end up, because we'll be together when we get there. We just have to let go and trust each other, we have to have faith in us, and no, I'm totally not up to making puns right now.

I wish I could hate her or only feel mad at her, but I don't. I mean, yeah, I'm mad at her for sure, but the biggest part of me just wants her back. Even the big jerk version of her I've had to deal with lately is better than no Faith at all, although the together one is past perfection. When she's loving and warm and funny and cocky and all mine…Let the drooling commence.

I love when she looks at me like she'll never look her fill, like she's going to take me right where I stand even if we're in the middle of a crowd. I love when she's feeling safe and lets me see the real her, her smile all shy and happy as I pull her close. She's so wonderful, and the truth is that I want her even when she's acting like an ass.

So it's official: I'm Buffy, the Doormat, and it isn't something I'm particularly proud of or wildly happy about. But it is how I feel and I don't see any point in lying about it, at least not to myself. But I can't keep acting like this, I have to get some pride back and I think I know just how to do it.

It takes me a few minutes to spring into action, which when you think about it, that long build-up to the actual movement part of things kind of negates the whole "springing" deal. Still, I'm on the move, so no holding back on the applause.

I check the message hoping with everything in me that it's her, but no, it's just Will telling me we're having dinner tomorrow night even if she has to force me.

"Buffy, come on. You have to eat and you have to try to do something fun. Hey, I'll even let you beat up Kennedy if you want to."

I hear Kennedy instantly protesting in the background and Willow just as quickly reassuring her:

"She knows I'm just joking, honey. Of course I wouldn't let her."

Then she was back to me:

"So tomorrow…You need her, she's yours, Buff…say at…seven? But come over sooner and just hang out for awhile. I'll even let you use the salad tosser and the cheese grater. Crazy fun, right? Okay, see you then, and please don't make me use magic to track you down and bring you here. Bye!"

Great, so it's dinner at Will's tomorrow night, no more getting out of it. The idea of real food sounds nothing but gross to me, but not as gross as dealing with Kennedy for several hours. I guess that's not exactly fair. She can be all right sometimes and Will is going to let me beat her up as needed. That's kind of appealing…and with an offer like that, Faith would be over there already just waiting for seven o'clock to finally arrive.

I go into the kitchen and grab a couple of paper towels and a bottle of Windex, then open my front door. I just stand there looking at it, suddenly unsure about how brilliant my brilliant idea really is. Thankfully no one's around to witness just how crazy I've become as I stand in place forever, doing nothing but swinging back and forth between anger that she left me and sadness that she's in so much pain and I can't help her. I'm missing her so much, and my only happiness since she left has been when I've gone in or out of my room. Is it really smart to take that away?

I count to three…okay, twenty-seven, then squirt the Windex and with two firm swipes it's gone. Her lipstick is now smeared all over the paper towel and it doesn't look anything like the outline of her mouth. My door is sparkling in its cleanness, not even a tiny trace of her left behind, and for one panicked second I try to put it back even though I know I did the right thing. I manage to control myself, but I still can't resist kissing my fingertips and pressing them against the spot where she was last…and great, here come the tears again.

Then it's back inside, all locked up, lights off, and the rest of the night to cry and think. I stay on the driver's side of the bed, holding her pillow because it still has her scent all over it. I think about calling her for the zillionth time, but what would I say? She doesn't want to hear it, or maybe she just can't, I don't know which one it is anymore. She's dealing with something I helped to bring on, but it's gone past that now into something she has to deal with herself.

At least I guess that's how she sees it. But that's stupid and she's wrong. Running away from me isn't going to help, letting me in is what we need. But Faith doesn't seem too onboard with that strategy. She thinks she can cut me loose, but I know that she's just kidding herself. She loves me and that's not ever going to change…no matter where she is and what she's doing.

Or who she's doing. And how ridiculous that I just went there because I don't really believe she'd ever cheat on me…unless she thinks we're broken up for good. The old Faith always went for casual sex, but then Faith isn't like that anymore…except she sort of is right now. But I know she wouldn't sleep with someone else, not this fast…unless she was so drunk and they…

I'm out of bed, dragging my blanket with me as I get comfy on the window seat, my seat of choice during this stupid and not going to last breakup. I'm missing her so much the way the branches are blowing makes me think of how she walks. It's all slinky, but purposeful, sexy, but not put on. Although even when she's kidding around and being over the top sexy, it's still a drool inducer. She always laughs at how hot she can make me, but if she could just see herself…

I feel like half of me is gone, mostly the better half too. Nothing is right without her here. I'd always thought my rooms were too small, but now they seem gigantic without her sharing them with me. Her clothes aren't thrown all over the chair in the bedroom, her wet towels aren't in the hamper, her side of the dresser is way too bare, and nobody's singing at the top of their lungs in the shower or yelling out that we should order a pizza.

God, this is like torture. Even though everything's been of the bad lately, at least we were still having sex. Amazing, mind blowing sex, and how that's possible is something somebody a lot smarter than me is going to have to figure out. It didn't matter what else was going on between us, whenever we had sex, and we had it a lot, all of our problems just drifted away. Plus the afterglow kept right on glowing for hours afterward every single time.

Faith is the best lover I've ever had, bar none. She can make me come just by whispering into my ear, which she thinks is the funniest thing ever, and it's something she's totally dying to brag about to somebody.

"C'mon, B! It's like I got superpowers and ya want me to keep'em a secret."

"You do have superpowers…other superpowers…and you keep those a secret just fine."

"Yeah, okay, so I'll just tell Willow and Xander and we'll see how that goes."

"No, it's too embarrassing."

"It's not embarrassing, it's hot."

"Yes, it is hot and the answer is still 'no'."

"C'mon, B!"

I wish she was here so I could kiss her. Well, first I'd like to punch her, then I'd kiss her because kissing Faith? Not an experience to be missed…by me. Everyone else can miss it for the rest of their lives…and I wonder what she's doing right now, how she feels. Is she thinking about me, wondering what I'm doing? Is she remembering the things about me that she likes or maybe thinking about how good we are together?

There's no way to tell, but at least thanks to Willow's locator spells, I know roughly where she is. She's just wandering around, which makes me feel more horrible than if she stayed put someplace. She was in Louisiana a few days ago, then Florida, and I started freaking out that she was going to sneak into Cuba. I know – it usually works the other way, but this is Faith, so anything goes.

Instead she veered up the east coast and I'm pretty sure she's heading to Boston, even though technically there's nothing there for her. By that I mean there's no one she wants to see, although maybe she's craving old familiar ground. Sure, it's "unhappy, filled with awful memories" old familiar ground, but I can understand her having that desire.

If that is what she's really doing, I'm happy that Sunnydale is still a big hole in the ground. She can only go there in her mind and mostly that's bad enough as it is. A literal trip up and down those streets would be the last thing she needs.

I visit often in my memory and it's so easy to bring it all back in living color. The cemeteries, Mom reading in her room, Tara making pancakes, Spike leaning against a tree as he smokes a cigarette. I can see Anya smiling at the sight of Xander, The Magic Box, the original Sunnydale High, the tree outside my bedroom window, Angel's mansion, Giles' house, the Expresso Pump…So many places, so many memories, most of them good ones now.

Some of them are exceptionally good like – a heart drawn on a window, the sexiest dancing in the history of The Bronze, waking up in my bed, a too brief talk about hot chicks with superpowers, a warm, strong hand taking the Scythe from mine, and a sexy voice reminding me that I was free if I wanted to be:

"Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?"

All of those things, as well as every horrible moment in between, brought us to where we are now. And although right this second it's not exactly a dream come true, it won't always be like this. That means I can't begrudge any of it, it's all bundled up together for better or worse, just our history and nothing else. And how I wish I could make her get that.

Because for Faith it's so much more, and I know at the moment her mind is focused only on the horrible things. She's nowhere near the good stuff, nowhere near who she is now. It's all about her shortcomings, the things she's done that she'd give almost anything to take back, that's what's keeping her company as she works her way to Boston. Terrific; it's a train wreck making its way state by state with Conductor F. Lehane at the wheel or switch or whatever the hell trains have.

Or maybe not. Maybe it'll be just what she needs. Maybe she'll be able to put things into perspective and stop this downward spiral she's started on. I'm not exactly sure why I think that's even a remote possibility, but I do and I'm going with it. Because if I don't, I'll go insane, and nobody needs that.

The night sure looks dark and it's weird that it doesn't make me feel anything except alone. Normally the nighttime kind of feels like home, at least to the Slayer part of me. Now it just looks empty, lonely and quiet, even though I know it's none of those things. But there's no thrill, no desire to be out there when I know she won't be with me.

I wonder again if I should call her…Okay, what I really want to do is go to her. I'm not sure if it would make any difference at all beyond being some big grand gesture, but then just sitting here doesn't seem to be making any difference either. I don't see how it could really hurt anything…except that she'd feel more closed in and pressured than she already does.

Clearly she wants her space, that's why she left. Although she didn't exactly say that, maybe she implied it. I go get her letter to read again for the thousandth time, but it still doesn't really give me any concrete answers:

"B,

I know it's shitty for me to take off when you're sleeping. I'm sorry, for that and everything else too. I should've never started this, pretty obvious I can't deal. It's not you, Buffy, and I know how lame that sounds. But I dumped this crap on you because I could feel it coming and I got scared. The truth of it is I'm the fuckup here, and even though I wish I could stay, I gotta go. I'm sorry, B…We just can't be together, much as I wish we could.

Faith"

What's the time period before the dumpee can legally chase after the dumper? Surely one week has to be plenty of time. But maybe it's not, maybe two weeks is right. I can say for sure that's my: "Giving Faith Her Space" time limit. I guess I should ask around or maybe have Willow research it on the computer. Not that it matters in one way, these are special circumstances and I don't really care what anybody else thinks.

I blow out a deep breath and drop my head down on my knees. Even though I keep trying to make this all lighthearted, it's the furthest thing from that. The woman I love is falling apart and has left me, there's nothing funny or lighthearted at all in any of that. Stuff doesn't get any more serious than this and I'm scared, depressed, and worried.

It's really quiet right now, and it's making me tear up again. Which is crazy because when Faith's here and it's quiet, I feel so happy and loved. I don't get how it works, but us lying together in bed not talking is almost my favorite thing ever. It always makes me feel like nothing can hurt me, like my life has finally become what it's supposed to be, and it makes me feel like I'm just a person…the luckiest one in the world.

Maybe dinner at Willow's will be a good thing after all. We can invite Xander too and maybe between the three of us we can figure out what I should do. At this point, I might even be willing to take advice from Kennedy. And okay probably not, but the possibility's possible, which shows just how truly desperate I am.

There's a knock on my door and my heart leaps even though I know it's not her. I don't want company, not tonight, but how can I get out of it? Whoever it is knows I'm home and I can't exactly blame them for worrying about me. I need to show whoever it is that I'm okay, maybe ten minutes will be long enough, and then I can get them to leave.

I try to smile as I open the door, but it actually hurts my face muscles because they're so out of practice. The best I can manage is a weird grimace-y look, which I'm sure doesn't look all that reassuring to…to no one. The hallway's empty, but there's a plastic bag on the floor with a note on top:

"Buffy,

As I recall, ice cream is required at times such as this. Please call upon me if you need me, no matter the hour.

Giles"

A half gallon of Rocky Road, and I can feel my eyes tearing up for the millionth time.

I scoop out a pretty good sized portion, put the rest in the freezer, and head back to my window seat. I drape the blanket over my lap and begin eating as I stare out into the night. I hope she's okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Come on Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

I miss the sound of your voice

And I miss the rush of your skin

And I miss the still of the silence

As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water

If I could tell you what’s next

I’d make you believe

Make you forget

So come on get higher, loosen my lips

Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard

And drown me in love

So come on get higher, loosen my lips

Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard

And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice

The loudest thing in my head

And I ache to remember

All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water

If I could tell you what’s next

I’d make you believe

I’d make you forget

So come on get higher, loosen my lips

Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard

And drown me in love

So come on get higher, loosen my lips

Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard

And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart

I can taste the sparks on your tongue

And I see angels and devils and God

When you come on

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Come on get higher, loosen my lips

Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard

And drown me in love

So come on get higher, loosen my lips

Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Pull me down hard

And drown me, drown me in love

It’s all wrong, it’s all wrong

It’s so right

So come on get higher

Come on get higher

‘Cause everything works, love

Everything works in your arms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Eight

Dreamin’ of You

I don’t have a clue what time it is. Well, I know it’s night because it’s dark out and I'm back from patrol, so I guess that’s a pretty big tip off. I'm just laying in bed, waiting for my heart to stop pounding, which experience tells me is not gonna be for a while. I wish I had some cigarettes, but I smoked my last one before I fell asleep. Whatever, I got other means to settle myself down.

I grab the half empty bottle – and yeah, that's exactly how I see it -- from the nightstand, and take a couple big gulps which almost choke me since I barely lift my head from the pillow. A little trickles down the side of my chin, but not much, which is good since I can't afford to waste any. It's my last bottle because I decided like a dipshit to cut back a little, but I made that decision in the daylight like idiots always do.

I could go out, there’s a liquor store three blocks down that’s open 24/7, and yeah, I don’t know why they don’t just stick a bull's-eye on their front door. But their love for rollin' the dice has come in wicked handy for me way more than once. Just not tonight.

Because tonight I’m way too fucked up to get dressed and head out again. I'm still shaking and I’m nowhere near being able to throw it off. I can still taste her, can still feel her skin against mine, her breath blowing along the side of my face. I can still feel her hands, her grip tight as she pulls me where she wants me, then sends me to heaven like she owns me. I can still see her smile when I came, can still feel every bit of her as she slid back up, her eyes so beautiful as they looked into mine…

"Fuck!"

I shove the covers back and let the night air blowing through the open windows dry some of the sweat offa me. I can hear noise from the street below, but it’s not the usual roar which leads me to believe it’s pretty late. Not that they roll up the sidewalks, but this part of the city's not much for all-nighters. I finally get enough energy to make the effort to turn my head – I swear the clock says 6:66 a.m., all lit up in red and staring at me through the shadows.

I don’t get lots of street light in here, thanks to the angle and the busted out bulb that's just an accurate bottle toss from my window, but I get some. The way the light hazes in at the corners reminds me of my room when I was a kid, which makes sense 'cause that's where I'm at. Not the exact same room, but close enough to get the effect. Beantown’s favorite punching bag's returned, although this time around I know how to punch back.

It makes a big difference, but I can’t claim it doesn't still bother me bein' here. I guess you could say it remains to be seen if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. What I do know for sure is it’s a done deal, so bring it, fucker. Let's see what happens.

Last time around, I hauled ass first chance I got. The joke of it was that even though I got away, I never stopped looking back. I had a shot at a whole new life, but I couldn't handle any of it. Right in front of me they dangled the chance to be happy, to be somebody who mattered in the world, and I freaked.

I fucked it up just as bad as anybody could, and I take all the blame for what happened. But I do gotta wonder how it works that you just yank a fucked up girl outta her shitty life, throw her into the mix, and tell her to go be a hero. That can't work smooth most of the time, 'less you get somebody like B. And what are the odds of that? Far as I know, it's only happened once.

I take another swig and keep chugging until it makes my eyes water and I feel it burning all the way down. If I had more booze I could do that over and over again until I passed out, I'm in a good spot for it. Boston definitely loves its drunk Lehanes, place just ain’t the same without us, I’m sure.

Drinking's one of the pleasures when you stay in a room like this. So's smoking late at night and watching the glow from the cigarette flare up in the dark when ya take a drag. They make these places for fucking strangers, drinking yourself quiet, and for doing the kind of thinking that'll kill ya if you’re not careful.

It's not my first time in a room like this, not gonna be my last neither. Kinda feels like I belong here, like no matter how clear I get from it, I'm always gonna end up right where I am. It's like the opposite of cream risin’ to the top…more like shit sinkin’ to the bottom. Living any other way seems like a total fantasy…Hell, even when I was in jail it seemed like I had a better chance than I do now.

I don't even know why I came here, let alone why I keep sticking around. There's nothin’ but bad memories and everybody I got a beef with is dead anyway. Rest of'em were never more than background noise I didn't wanna see then and for sure don't wanna see now. I know the feeling's nothing but mutual, but I still keep hanging around waiting for…for what exactly? There's no end anyplace in sight, and I know my prison shrink would be nodding all sad right about now and saying I gotta make my own "closure in a creative way". Uh huh, I'll act it out with some dolls, that'll do the trick.

I guess I'm here to see how much I can hurt myself or maybe I'm just trying to prove that I'm past it. Fuck if I know, both things seem like they could be true at this point. They both also seem like a lie too, so I've got "nuts as hell" covered from every angle. Love to see the shrink come up with a doll for this sitch.

It sucks here, that much I do know. I don't like being alone in general or without her in specific. Nothing's good when she's not with me, not like I didn't already know that though. Whoever said knowledge is the most important thing is a liar. It doesn't help anything, it just makes everything hurt more. Thank Christ I never finished high school or I'd be way worse off than I already am. Even being an ignorant asshole is giving me plenty of pain to deal with. I'm just managing to do the basics to stay alive, no way could I handle anything more.

Patrol tonight was a tough one. There were more vamps than I thought there were gonna be, and I was up to my tits before I knew it. I'd figured on six, maybe eight, but I found out fast that I was standing in the middle of a pretty big nest. I woulda run if I could've because despite the way it's been looking lately, I don't wanna die. But there was no exit I could get to, so I sucked it up and fought for my life.

I don't know why, but I've always thought I'd know when my time was up. I figured it'd be during a fight, hopefully when I was savin’ somebody. An epic battle or a dark nowhere alley, either way would work just right for me. I wanna go out doing something good because I'm a Slayer and I'm living a Slayer's life. That's the best any of us can ask for because our "sell by date" is never far from expiring anyway.

That's just the nature of the job, although I'm really hoping the Head Slayer goes quiet and peaceful in her sleep like an old lady oughta. But I know odds are that's not how it's gonna shake out for her. She probably wouldn't let it even if it could go that way because she's a warrior, and warriors oughta go down in battle. It's poetic and shit, but then she's kinda her own poetry, so there's no telling when it comes to B until it happens.

Anyway, I've always been sure I'd get a heads-up, something inside that would pop an alarm bell on and let me know without any doubt:

"This is it, gotta make it count."

You'd think standing solo in a nest would be enough to have the sirens wailing, but I got nothing but a surge of adrenaline and a really intense desire to make it through alive. It was touch and go for a pretty long stretch, but then it started swinging my way and I knew: nobody was getting called, leastways not tonight. And yeah, I know "getting called" isn't what happens anymore, but it makes the point I wanna.

Before the last of the dust had even settled, I was limpin’ outta there with another win sittin’ pretty in the Slayer column. And maybe it was more sittin’ "banged up and lucky as fuck", but the win was still legit and it counted. I made it back here and hit the shower, letting the warm water do its magic as long as it could, then I climbed into bed sore, hungry and horny. I was just gonna rest my eyes for a minute, then order a coupla pizzas, but I nodded off before I knew what hit me and here I am.

I'm so fucking fired up, but then why should I be surprised? I've dreamed about her ever since I left, and each and every time this is how I react. I can't shake her or how she makes me feel, and in a lotta ways I don't want to. Right now I'd give almost anything if she was here with me.

Sometimes I think they're Slayer dreams, sometimes I know they're not. It doesn't matter in most ways, I'll take B anyway I can get her, even when the dreams are freaky ones, like the one a few nights ago. If that was a Slayer one, it had to be hers because I'd never come up with such a lame sitch, 'specially one with no sex.

We were on a picnic together. The blanket was this one B loves, it's multi-colored and softer than any outdoor blanket oughta be. We were just sitting there eating and I felt a little shy for some reason. She gave me a big chunk of grapes still on their sticks, and her hair was blowing just a tiny bit and lifting off of her shoulders like I like to see it.

"Thanks, B."

"You're welcome. It's so pretty today."

"Yeah, it's nice. Peaceful."

These two white doves flew by, but floaty, like in slo-mo.

"Do you think that's us?"

"The birds? Maybe B, could just be the meatball hoagie I ate."

She laughed and touched my hand for a second.

"My romantic. Don't you have any faith at all?"

It was my turn to laugh, but I quit when her cross got huge for a second, flashing all golden until it shrunk back down to its normal size.

"You makin' jokes, B?"

"No. Well maybe, but I mean it."

She reached into the basket and pulled out a chocolate cake with two forks in it. I jerked one out, but the forks were welded together and I couldn't pull’em apart. It freaked me out, but B put her hands on mine.

"You're not supposed to pull them apart. They go together."

I just stared at her, but then her happy smile put me right at ease. We ate some and it was the best cake ever, but there was more.

"Here."

She lifted a watermelon outta the basket, then cut it open with one of my favorite knives. It looked good, all red and juicy, and B was beaming, proud of herself.

"I grew it after you planted it."

"Looks perfect, B."

"Yeah, we work good together, F."

She reached in and ripped out the center with both hands.

"I've got it.

"What?"

"The heart."

Before I could say anything else, she let it plop down on the blanket, then rammed a stake through it, her eyes deadly.

"What're ya doin', B?"

"I'm doing your job for you. I just do it faster, is all."

She looked at me so sad, the watermelon juice looking like blood as it slid down her arms and splashed onto her white shorts.

"B…"

I woke up in a sweat, heart pounding, scared to death, and so depressed I sat by the window and smoked and drank the rest of the night away.

I way prefer the sex dreams. I think they're usually just regular dreams, but sometimes they seem wicked real too, like tonight. Me and B don't always have to be confusing or big with the message shit. We can get down and dirty too.

I'm assuming that's what just happened: a Slayer sex dream, and I wish I could get myself off. I know from experience I can't, and even if I do, it doesn't help much. I need her, she's all I want. She's the only person who can really get the job done, so as much as I love the dreams, I hate'em too. They're like torture when what I need's way too far away to help.

"Fuck me."

I drain the bottle and toss it on the floor. It's empty, but I don't fucking care. It's not like it was doing me any good anyway. Usually it helps at least a little, but I'm still so horny and keyed up…I miss Buffy so bad. I just wanna hold her, feel her, hear her, see her up close, taste her neck, feel her hands on me, for real. This night sucks every which way.

The breeze picks up a little, and it feels good blowing across my skin. I kick the covers all the way down to the end of the bed, so frustrated I could scream…which I do, as out of nowhere a body lands flush on top of mine.

"Jesus Christ!"

I try to stand up, but I never make it past the halfway sitting point.

"Don't move, Faith."

She's trying not to puke, and if we stay still, she won't.

Teleporting makes everybody else heave, but not B if she gets a second. As long as she doesn't move, her stomach settles and she's good to go. I stay as still as I can, my heart pounding as it threatens me with a heart attack. No matter how much I love and want her, her turning up outta thin air and landing on top of me scared the shit out of me…almost literally.

She squirms off to the side a little, ready to throw up on the floor ‘stead of me if she's gotta, but she's already doing that nodding thing she does that means she's gonna be fine. Me? I got other problems, big problems.

I'm naked, she's in her sushi pjs and moving on me when I'm hot for her and haven't seen her in weeks. I'm trying to keep control of myself so I can find out what the fuck she's doing here and send her back home, but the feeling of her stomach skin against mine from where her top is riding up just a little…

"Faith, I…"

That's all the explanation she gets out before my hand goes to the back of her head and I slam our mouths together. She doesn't fight me at all, and my legs bend up and she falls between them putting our pussies flush with just a thin piece of cotton in the way. My other hand slides into the back of her loose pants and I grab her ass hard and shove her into me. She moans and pushes herself in tighter, her left hand grabbing onto my hair and her right one squeezing my tit.

I tell myself to stop, but nobody's listening to that shit, least of all me. Her tongue is playing with mine and making me just about explode, then I feel her hand slip down between us. I'm ready for her, I've been ready for about an hour, and she slides in where she belongs.

She doesn't do anything but that and I'm already coming for her. I tear my mouth away from hers, not on purpose, just 'cause I gotta, and I let out this weird noise like I'm gonna cry mixed with a laugh, even though nothing's even close to being funny. My eyes are closed, but I can hear her voice in my ear:

"It's okay, baby, I've got you."

She kisses me again and starts moving, and I'm lost in her. There's nothing else for me in the whole wide world. The bed's gone, the room's gone, Boston's gone, my fucked up sitch is gone, and there's just Buffy Anne Summers. I cling to her, wrapping around her like my life depends on her, which I suppose it does. I've got no clue how many times I come, no clue how to even count. I don't care about anything but her and the way she's making me feel, so let somebody else keep score.

I'm not sure when it happens, but at some point I roll on top and start fucking her. I don't know if she gave me control or I just took it, but I'm all over her, doing everything I can think of. At some point I might've even invented some stuff nobody's ever done before, but whatever's going down, we both can't get enough.

We finally stop and daylight's threatening to sneak its way into the room pretty soon, but I don't give a shit. I'm on my back trying to breathe normal again and B's head's on my chest right above my breast. Her hand's on my stomach and she's still all over me, just off to the side more. Her hair's laying on my skin and her leg is thrown across me so that she's rubbing against my hip. She makes this little satisfied sigh, then flicks my nipple with her tongue, and that's it.

I spin her over and I'm on top of her in one second. I have to have her again.

"I thought we were fin…"

I shut her up with a kiss that lets her know we're nowhere near finished, and most likely never will be, then I lift up even though she's trying to pull me closer. I kiss my way down her legs, her moans and my name keeping me company. And a little later into it, I love how her hands feel on my head as she pushes me into her, holds me in place, then tries to rip the hair right outta my head.

I wake up to the sound of bells from down the street to see B's already awake. Her head's propped up on her hand and she's smiling at me while her free hand's trailing along my arm and shoulder.

"Good morning."

"Morning."

I was pretty convinced I'd dreamed the whole thing, but no, she's still right here next to me in my bed with her smell, her touch, her every goddamn perfect thing about her. I smile, just so fucking happy to be with her, and my hand starts running along her hip, loving the feel of her skin on my fingers. We're not saying anything out loud, but I guess we're saying lots of stuff. She slides over and I roll onto my back with her in my arms.

It's like this little perfect moment in time, all is right with the world. The noise from the street sounds alive, the breeze rolling in feels cool, and the room's bright and sunny. I kiss the top of her head, but when I look over at the clock, I see the time and I also get a good look at where we're really at.

We're in a shithole of a room, and it's crazy wrong. She doesn't belong here, and even though she's lighting up the place, I can see the shadows coming and I'm not gonna do that to her no matter how much I want and need her. She deserves so much better, starting with somebody who can live in the light with her and won't keep bringing the darkness with'em every fucking place they go.

One of her hands kinda cups my breast, not like for sex, but just for love. It's like a greeting, all soft and tender and sweet, and my arms tighten around her. She snuggles into me making the cutest sound when she finds the sweet spot against me, and I can't think right with her here. She shows up and I start kidding myself I've got a shot at a life with her, and it's wrong of me.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I feel her body tense at my tone.

"It was mostly an accident, a very happy accident."

She says the last part so sexy, I get to my feet as fast as I can before I take her again. I look around for something to put on:

"An 'accident'?"

"Yep, but you left out the happy part."

I find a t-shirt and yank it on, followed by a pair of sweats that were under my jacket.

"Listen, wanna explain without makin' me ask fifty fucking questions?"

She sits up then, pissed and well on her way to getting mad, but she still answers calm.

"I've been wanting to come here forever, but I've been trying to give you your space. I kept going back and forth trying to decide what to do, so Willow finally set it up so that I could just teleport myself. After that dream we had last night, I guess I said the phrase out loud before I was all the way awake, and now here I am."

I don't say shit, just start picking up while I try to keep my eyes offa her. Her hair's all messy, she's naked, and the fucking sunshine is so happy to see her, it's streaming in like it never has before. The whole goddamn room feels lighter, cleaner, and there's hardly any shadows. Everything smells fresh and clean, and it's all so different I can barely recognize the place.

"So you're really going to do this?"

"Do what, Buffy?"

"Get mad at me, act like what we did last night doesn't matter, give me the cold shoulder...I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to describe it, but I think I'm making my point."

She pisses me off so fast, and it's always because she sees right through me. The problem is it doesn't change anything. It doesn't stop me because what the fuck else am I supposed to do? The sitch is still the same – she shouldn't be here, she shouldn't be any place with me.

She's standing up now, the sheet wrapped around her as she gets ready to go toe to toe with me. I'm dreading it, yet I can't help but love the sight of her. She's so beautiful when she's mad, nothing compares to her, and it makes my breath come out shaky as I fight not to grab her. Her eyes are so green, all intense and filled with passion, and she holds her head a certain way that's so sexy and scary, and I want her.

"So what, Faith? You think we can make love like that and it doesn't change anything? Sorry, that's not the way it works. God, why won't you understand how much I love you, that there's nothing more important to me than you?"

No cigarettes, no booze, just the fucking sunshine blasting in the windows and her eyes drilling a hole right through me.

"Buffy, I came here to…"

"Yeah, that's good, let's talk about that. Why did you come here? What's the real reason?"

"I…we…it wasn't…"

I'm stuttering like only she can make me do and I feel like a total dumb ass.

"…it wasn't working between us and…"

"Yes it was, it was working perfectly until you got it into your head that I didn't love you. Then instead of just talking to me about that, you ran with it until things sort of stopped working. Once we got that all out in the open and I started trying to fix it, you never even gave us a chance before you took off like a coward."

"I did not!"

She laughs, the one I hate because she's not laughing at something's funny. She's laughing because she can't believe I'm as big an idiot as I am.

"Really? Look around at where we're at, then add in how you waited until I was asleep before you snuck off."

"I had to do it like that and you know it."

"Yes, because we both know I never would have let you go otherwise. You had to put your tail between your legs and…"

"Shut up, Buffy!"

She pulls the sheet tighter as she advances on me, her eyes mad like she's out on patrol.

"So tell me what we're doing now, Faith."

"…You know what we're doing."

"No, I don't think I do. This isn't about me anymore, this is all about you, about your past and how it's..."

"Stop putting words in my mouth."

"…screwing everything up. It hasn't been about us in forever, at least not like that. You know I love you and it scares you. You're in some sort of tailspin and you're trying to convince us both that you don't deserve me, that you don't deserve to be happy."

I sling a pizza box towards the trash can, but it hits the floor instead and takes two beer bottles with it.

"Thanks for the expert head shrink, Buffy."

"And thanks for the expert lovemaking, Faith."

That makes me blush and my body heat up all over, and then she's next to me. Her hand is soft and gentle on my jaw as she lifts my head so I'm looking right at her.

"I love you and I miss you. Sharing dreams with you isn't enough, popping in and making wild, beautiful love isn't enough either. I need you with me, I want to spend my life with you."

"B…"

"I want to help you, I'll even stay here while you do what you need to do, but then let's go home. Running away isn't going to help anything, it's just making everything worse."

"You don't understand. I can't be there right now."

Her hand doesn't budge, she just steps closer and her other hand strokes my hair in the way that makes me lean into her.

"Why? Why can't you be at home?"

"I can't be with you. You should just move on, okay? I don't know if I'm ever coming back, if I'll ever wanna go back. I probably won't, and if I do it'll be a long, long time from now."

She looks like I just slapped her. She lets go and steps back, her eyes full of tears.

"So that's it? You're leaving me?"

"B, I already did leave."

"But I didn't think you meant it, Faith. I thought this was just a temporary thing."

I shake my head and try to explain:

"I love you, Buffy, you know I do, but I told you…we can't be together."

She starts crying for real and like always I go to her, but for the first time ever she shoves me away and doesn't cave.

"No, don't touch me."

"B…"

"No, I don't…I can't…I'm not going to do this."

"I'm sorry. I never meant for…"

She cuts me off, her face full of pain and anger and defeat:

"It's pretty ironic, isn't it? Here you thought it was me that didn't love you enough. Turns out it's the other way around."

"…"

"I hope you find what you're looking for, that you can make yourself more miserable than you've ever been before. That'd be quite an accomplishment."

"I…Buffy, try to understand."

"Oh I do, I understand perfectly now. You're Faith Lehane, the Dark Slayer who can't escape her tortured past. Such a tragic figure, you’re not allowed to take the happiness you've fought for and earned, even when it's being handed to you on a silver platter."

I want so much to say something to her, something to make it better for her, but I can't come up with anything. The look on her face is horrible. She's so hurt, devastated in a way I've never seen before.

"I guess it's just my luck I get taken down with you. Buffy Summers, the Golden Girl. Never lucky in love, never quite good enough. No wonder we're so perfect for each other."

"Jesus, B, please don't…"

The tears are mine now too, and I move for her, determined to comfort her even if she doesn't want it from me.

"Goodbye, Faith."

Then she says some mojo words and she's gone, teleported back home in an instant.

I can't feel anything, not my arms, not my legs, nothing except my heart which feels way too big for my chest. It hurts so bad and I sit down on the floor where she was just standing, feeling shell-shocked and nothing but alone. I know my heart's gonna bust outta me in a second, so I lay back slow and wonder how long I can live without it. And how long I can live without her.

Buffy's gone for good just like I wanted, and the whole room's nothing but shadows on top of shadows. How it can be so dark in the morning is something I wish I didn't understand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dreamin’ of You by Bob Dylan

The light in this place is really bad

Like bein’ at the bottom of a stream

Any minute now I’m expecting

To wake up from a dream

Miss so much the softest touch

Like the grave of some child

Who neither wept or smiled

I’m hidin’ my faith in the rain

I’ve been dreamin’ of you

That’s all I do

And it’s drivin’ me insane

Somewhere dawn is breakin’

Light is streakin’ ‘cross the floor

Church bells are ringin’

I wonder who they’re ringing for

Travel under any star

You’ll see me wherever you are

The shadowy past is so vague and so vast

I’m sleepin’ in the balance of pain

I’ve been dreamin’ of you

That’s all I do

But it’s drivin’ me insane

Maybe they’ll get me, maybe they won’t

But whatever it won’t be tonight

I wish your hand was in mine right now

We could go where the moon is white

For years they had me locked in a cage

Then they threw me onto the stage

Some things just last longer than you thought they would

And they never ever explain

I been dreamin’ of you

That’s all I do

And it’s drivin’ me insane

Well I eat when I’m hungry

Drink when I’m dry

Live my life on the square

Even if the flesh draws off my face

It won’t matter long as you’re there

Feel like a ghost in love

Underneath the heavens above

Feel further away than I ever did before

Feel further than I can take

Dreamin’ of you

Is all I do

But it’s drivin’ me insane

Everything in the way is so shy like the day

In queer and unusual form

Spirals of golden haze here and there in a blaze

Like beams of light in a storm

Maybe you were here and maybe you weren’t

Maybe you touched somebody and got burned

The silent sun has got me on the run

Burnin’ a hole in my brain

I’m dreamin’ of you

It’s all I do

But it’s driving me insane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Days

Vamp #One Zillion dusted. Demon #One Million beheaded, eviscerated, and killed. Punch. Kick. Stab. Club. Slice. Fight won. World saved. Body count. Injury report. Blood. Pain. The life of a Slayer.

Another long, hot soak in a big Jacuzzi tub to help ease the ache of being used like a supernatural punching bag. A glass of wine balanced perfectly on the ledge of the previously mentioned big Jacuzzi tub helps out even more, especially when the bottle sits right next to it. Life is just perfect.

I'm so tired, but then staring up at the ceiling the entire night before kind of has that effect on anyone when the next day rolls around. I hit the button to activate the jets at my back and it feels nothing but good, a literal blast of ecstasy that's gone almost as soon as it arrives. I can't help but laugh because nothing is funny and it hasn't been for a long time. I take a sip of wine, then lean my head all the way back and close my eyes.

It wouldn't be so bad if the memories would just leave me alone, but then I guess that's what everyone in my situation says. Memories are all that I have left…unless I choose to go into her deserted room and sit with all of the other discarded and left behind things. I fit right in, so delightfully snug and cozy that I try not to go there too often. Being left behind might be my specialty, but that doesn't mean I have to rub it in.

Willow, Xander, and I are supposed to hang out tomorrow; that was the deal if we managed to survive tonight. While I'm deliriously happy to report that we're all safe and more or less sound, I'm already dreading the fun we're going to be having. I guess we'll probably do lunch and maybe a movie, but we're definitely doing dinner and then heading to our favorite bar afterwards for some wild party fun.

"We'll make a day of it, Buff. Just the three of us."

"Okay, but we have to ask Kennedy, Will. Plus Dawnie will feel left out if…"

I should have started with Dawn because Willow was onto me the second I mentioned Kennedy.

"Sorry. Just you, me, and Xander for some Scooby style fun."

I smiled and told her I couldn't wait, but we both knew the truth. Still, I gave her the full Buffy – a smiling, suntanned, perky blonde California Cheerleader, and she had to go with it. That's the rule for at least two, maybe three times on the same topic before it's all bets off and she goes with her "Resolve Face". Then there's no escaping without a total heart to heart and maybe even some blood being spilled. Ours is a complicated relationship.

The almost apocalypse tonight was a tough fight, but the good news is we won and everyone made it through. We had the usual scrapes, bruises, and broken bones, but there were only three serious injuries. I stopped by our hospital wing like I always do after any big battle, and the med staff assured me that everyone was going to pull through. That kind of news is always the best kind ever and I never get tired of hearing it.

Chalk one up for the good guys, the minimally damaged good guys. The bad guys can only say they suffered major damage and very serious injuries…Well, they could say that if they weren't all dead, the kind of dead no one comes back from, not unless they have Willow on their team. And they don't, although as stated previously, that’s not always everything it’s cracked up to be.

I don't mean that, of course. I just wish I didn't have to go out, but I do because I'm focused on being normal and doing normal things. I'm all about living my life and carrying on, which makes it a lot easier for me and everyone who cares about me. None of us needs the extra hassle of me falling apart; it's bad enough that they're still worried even when I'm doing just great, thanks for asking.

As much as I want to, I can't do this any better than I'm already doing it. At a certain point you reach a certain point, and I've reached it. It doesn't mean I can't live, it doesn't mean I can't hang out with my friends, and it doesn't mean I can't do my job. But I'm not okay, and I don't think a big part of me will ever be okay again. I'm certainly not counting on it at any rate. I'm just hoping that things will somehow get better someplace down the line. It's hard to believe they will though because this seems different somehow, like something is broken inside of me.

I suppose I'm being dramatic and maybe feeling more than a little bit sorry for myself, along with a bunch of other unpleasant things like that. Besides, my track record speaks for itself: I'm tough as nails, unbeatable, at least the kind of unbeatable that lets me keep coming back for more. I get knocked down all the time, but I always get back up, one way or another, and there's nothing different about it this time…except it sure feels different.

It feels like there's no point in getting back up even if I can manage to do it. I know that's not true, it can't be true because I've got plenty of things to live for. But right now all that seems to matter to me is being the Slayer and holding it together enough so that I can do my job. That and putting up a good enough front so that people don't worry about me. It's tougher than it sounds, but I work hard at it.

It was really bad at first, which I guess is how it goes when the life you've always dreamed about is dangled right in front of you, then torn out of your grasp. It's devastating, like having a knife thrust into…Yeah, I so don't need to go there right now, if ever, and I don't want to think about Riley making himself into a vamp snack either. Reminiscing about running Angel through or remembering how Spike went up in flames is also out for tonight and any other night in the foreseeable future.

Besides, all of those things got better as time went on and this will too because I'm a grown woman now with grown woman responsibilities. That means I have to act like an adult, not some devastated teenager who didn't get asked to the prom…which I didn't, although that surprisingly turned out mostly okay in the end.

Great, it’s another night of dwelling. I could have sworn it was supposed to be another night of worrying about her…which I was going to do my best to turn into another night of pretending I don't care about her at all. I'm not sure why it still surprises me that my nights just do whatever the hell they want to with me. I guess I like to pretend I'm still the one in control of my own life, but the reality is I just go wherever I'm taken. I do my best just to hang on and try to make it through the hours until another day starts, not that the new day will necessarily be any better than the previous night.

I turn off the tub, hit the drain switch and step out. "Pruny" Buffy is nobody's friend. The phone rings like it was just waiting for this moment and I wrap myself in a towel and pick up on the fourth ring. I know if I don't answer, it will just cause problems that I don't want to deal with.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Buff."

So Xander drew the short straw tonight.

He's so cute; such a sweet boy who grew into such a sweet man. One of the luckiest moments in my life is when I had my bag knocked out of my hands on my first day at Sunnydale High. His opening question was pure Xander:

"Can I have you?"

I didn't hear him calling after me that I'd forgotten my stake, and I didn't sense him later in the library when Giles and I spilled all of the beans. Sometimes you just get lucky and I did that day, for a lifetime.

"Hi, Xander."

"I just wanted to know if we're still on for tomorrow."

"Yep, we're definitely on."

"Excellent. So how do you feel? You took a few hard shots, even for a Slayer."

"A little sore, but I'm just getting ready to have a long, pain erasing soak in the tub."

I lie when I have to, and right now I have to. He's gearing up to invite himself over to keep me company and I don't feel like company tonight, not that I ever really do anymore. Still, I can easily get out of this one, so I'm going to.

Xander sounds nothing but puzzled:

"Oh, I figured you'd be done with that right about now."

For a second I feel guilty because he's so totally on the money, but then I push it away. He'll live with being wrong, even though he's right and knows me inside and out. I guess I should at least toss him a bone:

"Normally you'd be right, but I was starving, so I ate first. The quiet, relaxing part of my night is dead ahead."

"Okay, well, I'll be up for awhile if you want some company when you get done. Just let me know."

He sounds a little worried and I know he'll be on the phone to Will the instant we hang up.

"Hmm…maybe, but I didn't sleep very good last night. I guess I was worried about the fight. Anyway, I'll probably just head straight to bed after."

"A good night's sleep would be great!"

Yes, we're at the point now where my loved ones scream out their happiness when I'm going to get some sleep.

I'm selling this pretty well I think, but I know he's still going to call Willow. They both know that for whatever reason, I always get especially depressed after a big fight and can't stop thinking about her. I don't know why exactly, but I just seem to miss her in a different way at times like this. It's like I miss her, then every other single minute I've missed her gets brought into it until it becomes a great big depressing mess of depression.

I realize I've been lost in thought for too long, so I make myself sound tired, but happy.

"Yep, eight glorious hours of log sawing after a long bubbly soak and a glass of white wine. It sounds like nothing but heaven to this Slayer."

"To this Scooby too…except maybe I'll skip the girly 'bubble' part."

I laugh and so does he because we both know that Xander loves bubble baths. He's a total girl when it comes to things like that.

"I'm willing to pretend if that's what you need."

"Thanks, Buff, it's good to have friends. Speaking of…"

"I promise I'll call if I change my mind."

"Because I'll be up for a while watching manly movies while I do only manly things."

Faith would so say something totally disgusting right here, but I try never to go to that place with Xander.

"I know. So enjoy the bubbles and 'An Affair to Remember'."

"Hey, that movie's a classic!"

"Goodnight, Tough Guy."

"Sleep tight, Buffster."

I towel my hair dry and comb through it while I wait for Willow to call. She does less than five minutes later, and we chat casually until I've put her more at ease than she was. I don't think I've fooled her, it's just that by making the effort I've let her know I'm at least functioning at an acceptable level for a night like tonight. Satisfied that I'm just the "regular, standard" depressed as opposed to the "dark, life is pointless" depressed, she hangs up so she can get back to Kennedy and I can get back to Tony Tiger and my beloved window seat.

It's windy tonight and I really should put in a work order to have those stupid, sexy branches cut back. It's a pretty night out though, now that I'm not fighting for the safety of the world and all of humanity. The moon's in full beam of course, which explains the epic battle tonight. It seems like the bad guys always need a full moon to do their thing, which kind of gives new meaning to:

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie".

That has to be the stupidest song lyric ever. No, correction – the song Giles had to sing during Karaoke Challenge Night at his pub wins that award. Neil Diamond feels bad and tells us that not even the chair cares what he's going through. Faith couldn't get over it for weeks:

"Hey B, my hand still hurts, but the lamp doesn't seem to give a shit. Can you talk to it for me, find out what's wrong?"

Then there was this classic performance:

"That's it, Buffy!"

"What? What's wrong?"

"There's nothing good on TV, but when I complain about it, the fucker just sits there and doesn't say a word."

"Faith, how long are you going to…"

"It's like when I use the john. There's always some asshole in there talkin' shit behind my back."

Eleven weeks now, that's how I'm keeping track. Months seem too official and days sound like way too many. Weeks is kind of like a good compromise, although the best thing would be not to keep track at all. It's a goal, a long term one, like making sure I don't lose too much weight or that I get enough sleep so that I don't doze off in every meeting and give Giles a complex.

I finish the last of my cereal, then drink up all of the milk. That's something I never did until I saw Faith doing it. I'd seen lots of people do it before, but Faith just made it seem so sensual, so tasty.

"What, B?"

"You're drinking the milk."

"Yeah."

"Isn't that sort of…not 'gross' exactly, but…"

Faith just laughed and looked at me like I was a dummy.

"B, it's just me who's been eating it. Same as drinkin’ it out of a glass, 'cept better."

"I know, but…"

"Just try it next time. You'll be fine, promise."

So I had and I was, fine, and now I always do it. I'm not sure why I didn't before, it's absolutely yummy.

I get up because I am not going to just sit here and stare out into the darkness all night long and think about her. I'm getting past that, slowly but surely, and a part of that process is to keep trying to convince myself that I’m in charge of this whole situation. But I’m not in charge, and that’s just the truth of it.

I guess God, The Powers, Fate, whatever, thought it would be funny to finally let us get together, only to take her away from me when it would hurt the most. Big laughs for somebody, I suppose. What was it? Were we too happy? Too satisfied? Too filled with optimism and hope?

Why none of that is ever allowed for me is a mystery. Maybe it's because I've never followed the rules and being in love with the other Slayer was just too much to try and get away with. Maybe...I don't really know.

The couch looks inviting so I sit and try again with the head leaning back, eyes closed approach. But she's still there along with everything we've ever done. The good and the bad all flitting around inside my head, and all of it leading right to the love I feel for her now. The pain of our past is long gone, even more insignificant now as it's been replaced with the current pain of being without her.

I'm mad and I'm hurt, but I still want her back. Just to hear her voice all low and sexy in my ear, just to watch that slow smile that takes over her face when she's satisfied. I want to see the almost scary look in her eye when she wants me, or the way she sometimes looks so sad and afraid until my arms reach out to hold her. I want to feel her snuggle in against me and fit like no one else ever has. I want to hear her laugh, everything in her whole and happy, even if just for a moment. I want to feel her shove me aside with her Slayer strength as she grabs the last piece of pizza and then offers it to me anyway, all sweet and shy which always leads us right into the hottest, most beautiful…

"God."

I stand up, go into the bedroom, and pull the blanket off the bed. I wrap it around me and return to sit in the window seat. At least here, I know what I'm in for. I pull my knees up in front of me and rest my chin on them as I look out into the night. It feels like she's maybe doing the same thing, and aren't we just a pair?

I know she's hurting, I know she knows I'm hurting, and I know the biggest part of her hates this whole thing. I know she wants to be here with me, but that doesn't really make any difference, not that I can see anyway. We're not together, and the dreams still taunt us both when we let them.

Life goes on, only much less alive. And much less fun. And much less romantic. And much less hopeful and much less everything I've ever wanted.

"Nice going, Lehane."

Talking to myself or to her out loud, never a good sign. Although I suppose it's the least of what I could be doing. I just wish I could find a place to rest, a place where all of this pain and sadness would just leave me the hell alone. Or maybe I could find a place where there's the possibility that one day things will be different, better even. Right, I’m certain that’s just around the corner.

It sure is dark tonight. I sit and stare and want and ache while I try to hold on. I know that's what I need to do: just hold on. I've done it before, although not when it hurts this bad and not when I know it won't be any easier when the morning comes…which is many hours away and will seem like many more because I am definitely not going to sleep tonight. I don't want any dreams, Slayer or otherwise.

"And I am so getting those limbs cut back tomorrow."

One step at a time, one sway at a time.

Punch. Kick. Stab. Club. Slice. Fight won. World saved. Body count. Injury report. Blood. Pain. The life of a Slayer. The life of Buffy Summers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Days by Trisha Yearwood

If you see dark skies in my green eyes

It’s just that I can’t find no cover

These ghosts that haunt me

They get me when they want me

And some days are better than others

I didn’t sleep last night, I guess that’s the price

You pay for a soul this troubled

And curse or blessing I’m here confessing

Some days are better than others

I have these moments of weakness

But I’ve had a lifetime of strength

And I know I will defeat this

But that’s not what my heart wants to think

And even tomorrow is tinged with sorrow

When one fool longs for another

This can’t last forever, just like the weather

Some days are better than others

If you see dark skies in my sad eyes

It just means that I can’t find no cover

These ghosts that haunt me

Take me when they want me

And some days are better than others

Some days are better than others

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Nine

Life Itself

I'm sitting in the darkest corner of the bar, but why I thought that'd make a difference, I got no clue. I shoulda just bought a bottle from the store and headed back to the motel, but drinking alone like an alky's kinda lost its appeal for me. So bright idea bitch that I am, I figured I'd stop in here, knock a couple back to take the sting off my injuries, and then head on my way. Right.

Three guys and one girl have already hit on me, which how they can even see me back here's a mystery. Either they'll fuck anything they can or they got demon eyesight, which makes me glad I'm still packing from patrol. I take a sip of my beer, but I don't even want it, and I'm past the part where I drink just to get drunk.

Turns out there's not enough booze in the world to make me forget Buffy. There's not enough to make me forget what a fuck-up I am either, but here's where it gets like one of those crazy word problems they dump on ya at school. It turns out there's enough Buffy to make me forget everything I shouldn't be remembering anyway. I knew that at the start, but as usual I always gotta approach everything wrong or turn it that way at some point. It's like I'm a professional screw-up.

Boston's way back down the road. Turns out to nobody's surprise there was nothing for me there except the chance to make myself way more miserable than I've ever been…just like B said I would. I hit all the old haunts, all the old dumps I ever lived in, all the spots where my crappy life played out, and then? Nothing.

I didn't get any big reveal, nothing changed, no closure anywhere in sight. I just felt even more depressed that my childhood sucked so bad. There was nobody left either, nobody to beat the shit outta, nobody to yell at, not even anybody to get pissed off that I'd turned up again. There were no answers at all, just filth, meanness, pain and the kind of questions people spend a lifetime asking.

Most of the time the answer: "Why not?" fits any sitch just fine, and I've known that since I was nine. You'd think grownups could eventually figure it out, but most never do understand we all get shit on, one way or the other. And why everybody thinks they don't deserve it…Look, none of us do or maybe we all do, what's the difference when it comes right down to it? Life's gonna give it out with both hands and we're all gonna take it whether it's fair or not. It's all we got and it sure as fuck beats the hell outta the only other option.

What it comes down to is how well you handle the shit, what you do once it's been dumped all over you. I gotta admit I haven't been doing a very good job of it lately. I've just been tearing my own guts out and how fucking stupid do you gotta be to do that on purpose? What's tough for me to get a handle on is how fast it took over, like outta nowhere. There I was all together, going for what I want most in the world like some kinda mature adult, then when I actually got it, I freaked right the fuck out. Not only did I screw up, I dragged everything I'd already dealt with over the years right back into the here and now, and I hurt Buffy.

Christ, Angel would so be looking at me like I was a dipshit. Guy was a big believer in dealing with the moment, focusing on the now. He used to visit me in prison and he saved my ass too many times for me to count. I'd be alone in my cell at night making a list and it wouldn't take long before it got so big, any hope I'd managed to build up just got crushed until I didn't even feel like climbing out of my bunk come the morning.

"You're sabotaging yourself, Faith. Focus on one thing, something you can do something about right here, right now."

And he'd help me find that something that seemed doable, something small I could actually work on, and it made me feel like maybe I had a chance after all. I kept at it, one day at a time, until finally I got myself sane and stopped doing the kinda shit that wasn't helping me. But I didn't forget one thing I did.

I can't afford to, just like Angel never forgot anything he did. But you gotta move on 'cause you're not doing anybody any good if you get yourself so twisted up in knots you can't head on to what's next. Then before you know it, you're threatening everybody's safety and your own sanity 'cause you've decided there's no point in trying anyway.

It's way too easy to slip when you're like me and him, there's too much evil inside waiting for its chance to jump out and ram a knife in, tear a neck open, or punch a weak spot that makes it lights out for good. It was worse for me than Angel in some ways, at least he had an excuse. I was just a monster, even with a soul, so I had nothing coming in to rescue me. I already had everything I was gonna get and somehow that shit was way less than it oughta be.

Christ, here comes some other guy. He can barely walk a straight line, so it takes him like twenty minutes to go fifteen steps.

"Hey, pretty girl."

"Thanks, but not interested."

He tries to sit down, but he can't pull the chair away from the table. That's because my boot's on it and I'm holding it in place. He keeps trying, smiling and jerking, but no dice.

"Mind if I have a seat?"

"Yeah, I wish ya wouldn't."

He tries one last mighty tug, then gives up and puts both hands on the back of the chair. I can see him clear enough, and he's good looking in a dumb ass kinda way.

"So how'd you get so pretty?"

"Look, you seem great, but I'm not interested. I'm comin' off a bad break-up, so could you just maybe leave me…"

He leans on the table, way closer than I want him:

"Bet I can make you come off on my…"

I stand up and thrust my almost full, still frosty bottle at him:

"Wow, what an offer. Tell ya what: you sit here while I go freshen up."

I pull the chair out and he falls into it, a big grin on his face:

"Charley Boy scores!"

"Three pointer, Chuck, nothin' but net."

He sits there swigging the free beer as I head out into the night and suck in the fresh air. It's got a snap to it, but it's not cold, just clean which makes me think of her. Of course just breathing in and out makes me think of her, so no big surprise there. Still, a night like this has B all over it.

It's more than a few blocks back to the motel, but I'm glad about that. I wanna be out here alone, just clearing my head while I put one foot in front of the other. There's not much special to see in this town, but then that's like most everywhere when you get right down to it.

Turns out I don't much care about all the other states, for me Ohio's the big winner. It's nothing different, just your average, typical state, and I've seen plenty better places. But northeast Ohio's the one I like best by far, and yeah, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

I start walking down the sidewalk, nobody else in sight 'cept this vamp couple making out in the doorway of some shut down store. I stake them both right where they are, the one guy through the back and the other one through the chest. His eyes meet mine for a sec before he dusts, mixed into a pile with his boyfriend 'til the shop owner shows up in the morning to sweep'em down into the sewer. Shoulda stayed there, leastways tonight.

She'd be yapping now about how it was sad I killed them in mid-kiss. Like it was romantic they were so goin’ at it, they were willing to leave fresh blood on the table as we strolled by. But that's just B – she's always gotta see the romance in everything. She'd brush the dust off us, take my hand in hers, and then we'd do our own romantic down the street, but not so stupid we don't notice possible death walkin' towards us. Love's important, yeah, but so's staying alive. Fact is: that's B's first rule of slaying.

Tonight's patrol was a tough one, there's lots of vamps around here. They all mostly hightailed it from The Hellmouth or just settled here on the way 'cause they lost their balls 'fore they could face the Slayer. Either way I figure them for the smart ones, and they just about kicked my ass tonight.

A gang had been causing a lotta trouble, so I scouted'em out, then came back prepared. I torched their nest, then dusted the few that made it out. Nobody left to tell their tale, least that's what I thought. Turns out they were ready for me, 'cause the vamps I burned to a crisp? Just sorta flunkies the real guys set up to take the fall.

So while I was busy being all impressed with myself for making it easy with a little prep work, the main guys, all nine of them, ambushed me far enough away so that my guard was down. It was touch and go for a few, but come on. No way was I gonna get outsmarted and wasted when I was almost on my own stomping grounds. Plus that sissy bushwhacking shit pissed me off. What are they: a buncha girls? Stand up and fight like ya got some balls.

They were lucky B wasn't there, she woulda let'em know all about their pussy asses. You get into it with her and she hands you your ass, plus trash talks ya down a shitload of pegs before she ends you. That shit cracks me up when I'm not on the receiving end and yeah, okay, sometimes even when I am.

Man, what a fucking start the two of us had, but then how else could it go? I did a lot of reading in prison and one thing I know for sure is that me and B met classic. Just like all the main couples in the stories I read, we did what they call the "meet cute".

It gets goin’ with some real memorable first sight, then the sparks fly, and they rub against each other wrong. That's how it is in all the best books, movies too. They gotta hate each other at the start, or think they do, 'cept they don't. It's just them wanting to bang each other, but nobody will cop to it, leastways not at first. So they fight, most of'em just argue, but me and B tried to kill each other too. Then before you know it, somebody lands on top of somebody, lips meet, and the story's headin' in the direction of fucking and all-time love.

B and me put our own spin on it and went wicked extreme with certain parts, but yeah, we fit that mold like we were there when they first carved out the grooves. That we found each other in the place we did, one that was spinning with life and death and love and lust, just everything all ramped up to the biggest high stakes possible, well that sitch was so intense it brought out the best in me…and the worst.

Falling in love for the first and only time in my life, playing the hero, having somebody with me to share the ride, learning to open up a little and let somebody in, making plans, having dreams, feeling less alone and like maybe I could have something good, that shit all made me feel like I was ridin' the Gravy Train. Course then jealousy and some wicked up close and personal demons cut me right off from all the good things me and B had between us. I lost my way, and then I lost myself.

All I knew was I still wanted her and if I couldn't have her, I was at least gonna have her attention. But then I went so far off the rails crazy it got me prison for a place to call my own. Not quite what I always dreamed of when I dreamed about havin' a home, but damn, there's nothing like three squares and your very own bug infested bunk. Toss in a bull dyke with a baton and a hankering…well, talk about a dream come true.

Not like I hadn't earned it. I did a lotta shitty things, plus outright murder which gets its own special category, but the one shitty thing that still burns in my gut? I not only missed my chance to really help B, then and later, but I piled on and tried to drive her all the way under. I saw right off when I met her that she was in a jam. She was all fucked up and hurting, so I pumped Willow and Xander 'til I got the story and then I made a plan to shake her loose. Wasn't my best plan exactly; she woulda kicked my ass but good if some vamps hadn't shown up right when I finally got her to blow.

But it worked, and it still makes me smile when I think about how fast I got her fired up just by crowding her and shoving my way into her life. Best good deed I've ever done, not that I was exactly doing Mother Teresa's work. I just thought that B was wicked hot and like whenever you see something pretty, you always have one of two reactions. Either you wanna fuck it all up and teach it a lesson or you wanna see it in just the right light, shining full glory while you take it all in. I ended up goin’ both ways with B, but at the start seeing her hurting just wasn't something I was okay with.

Her eyes were so sad and lonely, and even though I had no reason to think otherwise, I knew she wasn't supposed to be that way. Sure, I've seen plenty of pretty chicks who are sad sacks and drama queens, but there was just something about B that made it clear that wasn't her. I didn't question how I could possibly know that then and I didn't question why I thought it was my place to help her either. Hell, I don't even get why I figured I could. But I did and I did, and just like that I was all about Buffy Summers. Everybody else was left behind in the dust.

I'd been hearing all about her from my Watcher, she was already a legend in certain circles. The uptight Council fuckers hated her because she did things her own way and refused to play their game. They were worried she was gonna fuck up their cushy sitch and they ordered her Watcher to crack down on her. Way too late, assholes, Buffy was already hanging the moon and stars as far as Giles went.

He was also smart and he knew early on just to let her be Buffy. Nobody's ever made a better decision than that one ‘cause the world woulda been over like ninety-five times already if B hadn't been at the wheel doin’ it her way. There's nobody else who coulda handled all the shit B has, nobody else woulda been even close to good enough.

Trust me, I know. I was next in line all too soon and no way could I have done what she did, even if I was sane. Me and anybody else woulda fucked up somehow, someway, and there'd be nothin’ left now but a buncha demons chowin’ down on people like they were King Kong burgers from Eagle's Deli. Life definitely dumps the shit, but every now and then we get lucky, and having Buffy as the Slayer is a buncha those lucky times.

I tuck my hands into my jacket and keep going, one foot in front of the other taking me back to the motel. I've got enough money for a hotel, but I'm just not that kinda girl. I feel better in the less than swanky joints, unless B's with me. Then I'd stay at the Taj Mahal and think they oughta step it up a little. Not because she's a snob and demands shit like that, just because I want her to have the best even though she's fine with wherever she's at. B always classes anyplace up. Case in point: the dive I last saw her in.

She wasn't outta place there at all, I just made her that way because I didn't want her where I was trying to punish myself. That shit's not supposed to touch her, but then I let it anyway and I feel bad about that. B made that place way less crappy, even made it seem beautiful until I fucked it up in the end. But what's done is done and you don't get do-overs for stuff like that, so I'm fighting hard to find the balance between guilty and moving ahead.

I can hear Angel's voice in my head telling me to keep it moving, just focus on getting the shit done I can get done and let the rest roll offa me for now. And so that's what I'm doing or what I've been trying to do for the last few months. I've been pulling myself clear and even though I'm still struggling with it more than I'd like, I know I'm gonna win now. I'm making my way home and I'm not gonna let myself backslide because back there's not where B is. She's ahead of me and I want her.

But not when I'm all screwed up, so no more drinking to get drunk, no more tearing myself to pieces because there's nobody else to do it, no more thinking about how nobody's ever loved me and how nothing's ever worked out for me. None of that's true anymore, that's all just old news and somehow I forgot that.

I went after B and I got her, and right from that moment, I started panicking. Before when I was trying to win her over, it was like a game, a challenge, and deep down I didn't really think I'd ever get her. When I did, well of course I was happy and I went with it, but what the fuck? I had B, she was with me in every way and who woulda ever believed that could happen? But it did and I didn't know what to do once it had, so a buncha old shit came calling to fuck me over just like always.

When I say I didn't know what to do, I don't mean I didn't know how to treat her. Hell, I've been treating Buffy like a queen in my head forever, so I didn't hesitate when I got a shot at her for real. I love her, I'll always love her. She's the best thing in the world, the best person ever made, and there's nothing about her that doesn't make me feel like I hit the jackpot.

The problem was that I didn't trust her, well not her, so much as the sitch. I get the difference now, what happened, and why I bailed. Since I've been just a little kid, nothing that ever goes my way stays that way. I get something I want, it gets destroyed.

Christmas at seven years old and I got this Hot Wheels track I wanted so bad, plus six bitchin' cars to go with it. I was flying high, even though it was hard for me to set it up on my own. I finally got it ready and raring to go after a coupla hours, it was the double loop that gave me the grief, but I hung in there…I was a tough kid.

Gave it a spin three times and I can still remember how good I felt. Like life didn't always have to be shit, sometimes it could be wicked perfect. All I needed was an orange plastic track and some little metal cars to make everything feel right in the world. That feeling lasted for one more run through until my dad came in and busted everything apart.

My mind tries to make it that he was drunk and just stumbled into it, but the truth is the fucker did it on purpose. If I let myself, I can still see his boots kicking and crushing everything into an unusable mess. I managed to save one of the cars, although it was down to three wheels, and I took it to my room as I ran to get outta sight. I wasn't fast enough to avoid getting smacked but good, but only the once. My mom wasn't so lucky and I sat on my bed and kept staring at my car up close, wishing I knew how to drive so I could shrink down and get inside. I'd peel out loud as I made my escape, never looking back, no matter what.

Dad finally left after a while, and getting beat to a pulp had the same affect on Ma that it always did. She cried forever and drank. Then it got real quiet until she came in to take it out on me. Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho. Just ain't a proper holiday 'til everybody's black and blue.

I was able to keep hold of that car 'til some fucking little bastard swiped it in Juvie. He pitched it in a storm drain just for meanness and I wanted to beat him to death, but he was older and bigger than me. I never forgot him, but the asshole was dead of an overdose by the time I became a Slayer and tracked him down. Lucky for him, I guess for me too. No worries though, I found plenty of other people to take everything out on, including the person I love more than anybody else in the world.

Those were some heady days when I first hit Sunny D. I busted into town scared shitless with visions of my ripped to pieces Watcher dancing in my head and Kakistos hot on my trail. Only comfort I had was at least I'd messed up the fucker 'fore I got away and came running to the real Slayer. Figured I wasn't gonna care much for her because even though I admired her, I was wicked jealous too. The way I saw it, it was my turn to be the Slayer, so I was kinda ticked she wouldn't just drop dead and get the fuck outta my way.

Still didn't stop me from running to her for help and with just one look at her, my life changed in an instant. It was like the world turned on, all bright and alive, and it wasn't just ‘cause she was so fucking pretty either. It was something else and it hit me someplace deep, a place I didn't even know I had.

I suddenly didn't want her knowing I was running scared, that I couldn't handle my own problems. But that's not the kinda thing you can keep hidden forever, and when it finally busted out into the open, Buffy helped me just like I knew she would when I'd first set out to find her. That's just her way and always will be.

I don't know if she's even still speaking to me, but I know she still loves me. The problem is when you hurt somebody as bad as I've hurt B, there's no telling how they’re gonna react. I'm hoping for the: "Let's pretend nothing happened" approach, but there's no way that's gonna be the way Buffy reacts. How could it be?

Since we met we've been pushing each other's buttons, every single one of'em in good and bad ways. Guess that's how it goes when you find the one that's meant for you, 'specially when one of you spends a good chunk of your together time bugshit crazy. I look back at it now and wonder how she was able to make me feel everything so easy, like I wasn't even my own anymore.

She'd smile at me and I'd feel like I was flying. She'd take my hand, I'd float along so happy I could barely breathe. We'd patrol and I could feel it, that sense that right there was where I belonged, where I was safe. Time just kinda stood still for me on those nights and I felt so close to her then, like maybe life and love were mine for the taking.

It was the down time that fucked me, that and Angel showing up. It was bad enough he came back, but the worst was how she kept it from me. I thought she trusted me, and I know I was working hard to open up to her which was a huge deal for me. Then suddenly she shut down, shut us down, and I didn't understand it at first. I tried to get to the bottom of it, but the skills I had to get to the bottom of anything were pathetic, like how a six year old would go about it. I was as subtle as a Mack truck, and I got nowhere except further away from her.

The stuff between us that had always made me feel so good started burning and stinging. It was like it was just there to hurt me and it was too big a change for me to handle. Wasn't long before even slaying with her hurt instead of filling me with the only peace I'd ever had. I didn't get it and she wasn't explaining, hell, B didn't even seem to notice or care, so I started snooping around. Then the word came down: He was back.

B's dirty little secret had somehow crammed into the picture and I was left in the dust like yesterday's trash. I meant nothing to her, I thought she made that wicked clear, and just like it always did for me back then, it came down to somethin’ pretty simple: You hurt me, I hurt you…And I always gave it back way more efficient on the return.

I couldn't wait to go kill Angel. Me and him could share the same fucking dust when B came looking, but that of course went nowhere except to push us even further away from each other, and that was pretty much lights out for me. I was back to drifting through life on my own, seeing nothing good or right anyplace I looked. It was all shit, just like I'd always thought, and fuck Buffy for trying to trick me into thinking it was ever any other way. What pissed me off the most was that even though she'd hurt me, even though I hated her, I couldn't stop wanting her. I dreamed about her, the things we could do, the things I could do if she gave me the chance.

Of course the crazier I got, the worse those things became. I thought a lotta sick shit about B and I admit, at least to me I do, that when I thought I had her all chained up, I could barely walk straight I was so turned on. I was gonna hurt her, no doubt about it, but I wasn't gonna let Angelus and I wasn't gonna kill her either. I figured she deserved some pain from me, a little payback to settle the score, and doesn't that just make all kindsa sense.

Somebody ignores you, you got every right to peel a little skin off'em. They choose somebody else to love, maybe they gotta lose a finger or two, then stand by and watch while you help the bad guy take over the town, probably even the whole world at some point. Jesus, I was so fucking crazy.

The wind's picking up and I hunker down a little in my jacket. There's nothing out here on the street, just me all alone thinking about the woman I wanna be with. I told her before she's basic to me, like breathing, and that's still true. I don't live without B and I know I'm never gonna. I thought I understood that before, but I guess there was still more to it I had to accept.

My room's right in front of me, but I veer off to the side and head to the picnic table in the back. It's a nice spot, out in the open enough so nobody can sneak up on you, but with the one pretty tree providing shade if you're normal and out here in the daytime. There's a little woods off in the near distance and I sit here almost every night and try to think things through. Sometimes nothing happens, but lately I've been clearing up, like a big haze is blowing out with breeze, and I'm starting to get a handle on some of this shit.

I know now I wasn't completely honest when I pushed the sitch with B to the breaking point. I did feel insecure because she wasn't saying she loved me, but looking back I can see that she was saying it anyway with everything she did. And she copped pretty fast to the fact that it wasn’t just about not scaring me. She admitted she was scared too, that it made her feel a little safer to keep it light. Once we got that out in the open, B didn’t hesitate to say the words I said I needed to hear. It shoulda been a big relief, not something I just took off over.

But I know now what happened, I know why I ran. The best way to put it is that B is that Hot Wheel, and I've just been waiting for somebody to stomp all over her, then toss what's left down the drain and outta my reach. I couldn't take the tension, couldn't take just sitting there waiting to have my hopes and wants and needs crushed right in front of me, so I crushed'em myself and got it over with. Love's a scary ass thing, it's just hangin’ by a thread for everybody, and to my surprise it's way scarier when you're out in the open with it.

They call the big understanding moments in your life some fancy "e" word…I just call mine "finally waking the fuck up", and I had one a little over a month ago. I saved this couple from getting drained and the way they acted made it crystal clear to me just how fucking easy it is to lose it all…for everybody. If I'd got there ten seconds later, if I'd shown up earlier and been long gone on my way by then, if I hadn't decided at a glance he was the closest to dying and gone for him first, their big love woulda been nothin’ but history.

That started me thinking that if I hadn't left Buffy in the first place, they woulda been dead, so would lots of other people all over the place. Maybe this is what I should be doing with my life: just moving around on my own and saving whoever I can. How do I know that's not the path somebody's got laid out for me?

"You're sabotaging yourself, Faith. Focus..."

I hear the big guy and I can also hear me now. At first I was real faint, but lately I've been comin’ on strong and here's what I say: I don't believe I can ever be doing what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm not with B. It feels too right to be with her, I can't be happy otherwise, and I know she feels it too. Me with her can't ever be wrong.

Angel had a good explanation for this kinda thing:

"Faith, it doesn't work that way. If you hadn't been here in prison, maybe something else would have saved that guard. You can't know anyone's destiny, that's just an excuse to avoid looking at your own."

I'm not sure I got that before, but I do now. I'm responsible for me, my actions, the way I approach my life. I can't control what happens in the world, truth is I can't control what happens to me. All I can do is be where I belong, doing what feels like mine to do. I got so happy before it scared me and I lost my focus until I couldn't see anything good at all. But no matter how hard I tried to make it true, no matter how hard I tried to convince us both we shouldn't be together, Buffy never bought it.

She sees me and our life so clear, and it gets reflected back to me like this funhouse mirror that fools you by telling you the truth. I go through all of my crap, put myself down, and B stands right there and pulls me to my feet. I try convincing myself I'm a useless piece of shit, and B looks at me with so much respect and love, I can feel the breath hitch in my chest as it puffs out with pride. I keep draggin’ the past around with me and Buffy keeps looking at the here and now…just like Angel told me I had to learn to do.

She's always right there, even when we were just friends, showing me what I'm really worth, pointing out the good things in me, all the ways I make life better for everybody else. She also tells me I'm the second best Slayer there is, and yeah, just because she loves me doesn't mean she's giving up her crown.

Buffy knows me, she's always known me when it comes right down to it. She's been telling me all along I'm worth it, that there's something so good in here she fell for me in spite of everything else. I keep fucking up in different ways, and every time when I finally pick myself back up, it's B who's standing right there waiting for me.

But you can't keep shitting on somebody and expect them to keep forgiving you. Sooner or later they run outta their supply, and even though so far Buffy never has, stands to reason it's gonna happen sooner than later. Much as I don't wanna admit it, this could actually be that time. A camel bustin' straw is kinda right on the money for this last stunt I pulled, and I don't blame her if she's done with me. But God, she just can't be.

I pat myself down for some smokes, forgetting for a sec that I gave’em up. It's a fucked up suicide habit, but like every smoker ever I feel like I'm somehow gonna be the exception to the rule. I probably won't get lung cancer, Slayer healing oughta prevent that, but who really knows? What I do know is it worries B when I smoke, plus I always gotta take precautions not to taste like an ashtray. They do make me look wicked hot, but big deal: I look wicked hot no matter what I'm doin’.

The wind rustles the leaves and the moon's shining down enough so I can see that the gold and red are starting to take over. There's still some green hangin’ tough though, and it makes me think of B's eyes. They suck you right in, like looking at the ocean just to watch the way it flashes on and off all through the day.

Her eye color ebbs and flows just like the water, turning all kinds of different shades depending on her mood and what she's doing. You get a different color for meetings, eating supper, training the kids, before sex, during sex, after sex, when she's pissed, when she's laughing, when she's sad, when she's shopping, when she's sparring, when she's watching TV, when she's staring out the window, and when she's just looking at me.

Her eyes take me any which way and I wanna live and die in them because I still know there will never be anything better, no matter where I go or what I do. But what am I doing instead of swimming in those beautiful eyes? I'm sitting at a stupid ass picnic table in a stupid ass town behind a stupid ass motel by my stupid ass self. I gotta be the biggest idiot on the whole planet and that's sayin’ somethin’ ‘cause as far as I know, Kennedy's still taking up space and sucking up air every day.

I have a life and it's a good one. It's not in Boston, it's not in a bottle, and it sure as fuck's not in the past. It's with Buffy, with all the ups and downs, the life and death, the noise and quiet. It's in the feel of her hand in mine and it's in our breath blowing right in sync together. It's in her lips whenever they touch me, it's in her laugh, in her tears, in her bed, and it's in every single day.

I stand and walk out from under the tree to look up at the stars. They look brighter now, like they're up there to provide some romance if somebody needs the help. The breeze has picked up fairly steady and I watch the trees in the woods sway and rustle. I've always liked that sound. It's spooky in a way, lonely and sad, but there's something kinda comforting there too. Like the world's still spinning and the trees are still standing tall even though the wind's doin’ its thing too.

That's the best part about this world: everything goes together. It all fits just right until somethin’ gets outta control, like maybe a tornado that starts doin’ some damage. But you just gotta hold on tight to the shit that's yours, gotta trust you can get through it until it all settles again and everything starts over. Stuff that was damaged starts growing back, trying to make itself stronger, and most times if it's got enough guts, it does just fine.

I'm a lotta things and I'm not a lotta others I wish I was, but the one thing anybody'd have to give me – I got guts. Maybe not as many as I'd like, but I got enough. Sure, I can just keep fucking with myself or I can face up to the most beautiful truth there is: I love Buffy and she loves me.

I can do and say whatever I want, but that's what God or the Powers or Whatever gave me. She's where my shitty life has led me, and it turns out I don't need to know how or why I got so lucky. I don't even need to worry that I don't deserve her, that's not my business.

I can keep spinning around, fucking up left and right if that's what I wanna do. We all got free choice here as far as I can tell, even though some stuff never, ever shifts. It just stays put and everything else moves around it, like the Earth moving around the Sun, never able to break loose. Some things just belong together and you're not supposed to pull'em apart.

You can fight it all you want, but it won't mean dick in the end. Some stuff's just too big and important, and whoever's in charge put it in stone, the kind that doesn't wear away for like a billion years.

"You're sabotaging yourself, Faith."

Damn straight I was, but not anymore. I'm goin’ home.

Carve it in stone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life Itself by Bruce Springsteen

We met down in the valley where the wine of love and destruction flows

There in that curve of darkness where the flowers of temptation grow

I left the rest for the others, it was you and nothing else

You felt so good to me baby, as good as life itself

You were life itself, rushing over me

Life itself, the wind in the black elms

Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes

I can’t make it without you

I knew you were in trouble, anyone could tell

You carried your little black book from which all your secrets fell

You squandered all your riches, your beauty and your wealth

Like you had no further use for, for life itself

You were life itself, rushing over me

Life itself, the wind in the black elms

Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes

I can’t make it without you

Why do the things that we treasure most slip away in time

‘Til to the music we grow deaf and to God’s beauty blind

Why do the things that connect us slowly pull us apart

‘Til we fall away into our own darkness, a stranger to our own hearts

And to life itself, rushing over me

Life itself, the wind in the black elms

Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes

I can’t make it without you

So here’s one for the road

And here’s one to your health

And to life itself, rushing over me

Life itself, the wind in the black elms

Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes

I can’t make it without you

Life itself…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wrapped

I'm sitting patiently in my strategically challenged chair, waiting for Willow to bring me some fruity, colored drink. My plan was to stick with Diet Coke, but she informed me that wasn't good enough, not tonight anyway.

"C'mon, Buff, live a little!"

And I can do that, in fact "Live a little!" is going to be my new motto. Because me? I am definitely living a little, a very little.

Okay, no, that was the old depressed me who thought like that. The new, confident, together me, the battle scarred, time worn but improved version of Buffy is downright full of life and living and moving on to live a life that moves with living. God, I haven't even had any alcohol yet and I already sound drunk.

I really just wanted to stay in and watch some TV, maybe even catch up on my sleep, but Willow had other ideas. She's obviously just full of them tonight, but I could have said no. It's not like I don't go out with her and the gang plenty these days, I do because I've ceased and desisted with all wallowing, current and future. Hence my coming out, and please supply your own joke.

The point is I've got absolutely nothing to "wallow" about even if I wanted to because my life is a good one now, and I'm all about trying to make it better. It's true I had a bit of a setback, but lots of people break up all the time. It's just something you have to deal with sometimes, and deal I have.

"Big love, big loss. You oughta deal and move on, but you're not."

Wise words spoken by an idiot, but hey, even a broken clock has to be right twice a day…which I don't get at all, but it's a real saying, so I'm going with it.

The most important thing here is that I'm way past it now. Besides, it's not like I can afford to keep letting a simple break-up ruin my life. People make their choices every day –sometimes good ones, sometimes bad ones, and then they have to live with the consequences of those choices. It hurts sometimes, but life goes on and you go with it or you just give up right where you stand. I'm not the kind of person who can do that, so I chose suffering and grieving, then moving on.

Life is good, it's amazing what a few months can do for a girl. My perspective has changed, my priorities have reset, and I'm okay. That huge ache is gone, my insecurities have secured themselves, and Buffy is Buffy and ready for action. I should clarify that word "action" because a mere three weeks ago right here in this very place, I was so definitely not ready for the action I saw walking my way at the side of my ex-best friend. Okay, she didn't really lose that title, but I thought for sure she was going to.

Just out of the blue there she was smiling her: "I'm not nervous" smile, and I was shooting her my: "Abort the mission now before I kill you" glare. Her stride faltered for a step, but Willow can be pretty stubborn when she wants to be, and she kept right on coming until she reached the table.

"Buffy, this is my friend, Ken Venture. Ken, Buffy Summers."

That's right, my unexpected, out of nowhere date was apparently a superhero or a secret agent; what else could he be with a name like that? I instantly began making plans to kill Willow the first chance I got.

"Hi, Ken."

He put a drink down in front of me and smiled, all handsome and sexy, which only made me suspicious that he'd slipped something into it when Willow wasn't looking.

"It's such a pleasure to finally meet you, Buffy. Willow's been singing your praises for months now."

I smiled and shook his hand, shooting daggers at the most off-key songbird in the universe. He held Willow's chair out for her before he sat down next to her, directly across from me. He took a small sip of his beer and it was all mega-awkward until Willow helpfully decided to speak up:

"Ken owns that big tire chain we go to over on Main."

"He does?"

He was clearly proud:

"It was actually my dad who did all the hard work building the business up from scratch. When he decided to semi-retire, he left it to me to pick up the reins."

"Wow, that's wonderful."

"It's quite a responsibility, but I'm ready for it. I was on the job, but when dad said he needed help, that ended that. Willow tells me that you considered the Police Academy yourself."

And I'd also considered beating Willow bloody and tossing her dead body into some shrubs, just for old time's sake, and I wanted her to know that…which I guess she already did since she refused to make direct eye contact with me. I tried to kick her under the table, but she was too smart and either had her legs tucked under her or pulled back as far as she could get them.

"Yes, I did…in high school, but then I decided it was too dangerous."

"It can be. My parents were both so relieved when I said I'd leave, I think they kind of set me up. I still like helping people though, so I volunteer at the homeless shelter on weekends. Nothing big, I just help deliver food and clothes to people, and we supply free tires for the center's cars and trucks."

"That's really nice of you."

"Well, Mom and Dad always taught me you have to give back, but I guess you know all about that since you run the Youth Center."

I took a kick at Willow anyway, and even though I didn't connect, she must have felt the breeze because her eyes widened slightly. Ken was waiting for an answer, so I gave him one:

"That's me: Buffy, the Youth Counselor."

He laughed:

"That must be such a rewarding job and you're definitely doing something right. Crime is way down in that neighborhood as well as all of the surrounding ones."

"We've tried to stake out our territory. It's good to know we're succeeding."

He nodded, his dinky little dimples revealed with his great big smile:

"You guys have sure been the talk of the beat cops for the last few years. Nobody wanted to patrol that area before, but my buddies tell me they all beg for the assignment now."

I sipped my drink and plotted all of the ways I was going to murderize Ms. "Deadest of the Dead" Rosenberg. I smiled again at "Ken Venture, Action Hero", and tried to look normal:

"So how do you and Willow know each other?"

They both laughed at that and began telling their funny little story. Ken chased after her when she left her cell phone at his store, then they discovered he was in her computer class that very night. The story went on so long and so playfully, I wondered why they didn't just date each other.

My answer appeared seemingly out of nowhere:

"Excuse me, Will, could I speak with you for a second?"

"Sure, Kennedy. I'll be right back, but you two just keep hitting it off!"

Then she left, transparent as a window. Ken and I smiled at each other uncomfortably and each took a sip of our drinks.

"So, Buffy, my keen ex-police skills are telling me that you've been blindsided."

"Um…yeah, I'm afraid so."

"I'm sorry about that, it's kind of my fault. I saw you one day when I gave Willow a ride home, and I've been hounding her ever since for the chance to meet you."

"Well, consider your hounding a complete and total success."

I smiled to take any of the sting out of it, it wasn't like it was his fault, and we chatted for a little while longer. I told him he seemed really nice but I just wasn't looking to get involved right now, blah, blah, blah. He took it well and with a very handsome smile, telling me it was good to meet me, that I was even more beautiful up close, and to please let Willow know if I changed my mind any time ever. Then he nicely took the hint and left.

I could barely wait to ask Willow what in the hell she'd been thinking.

"What in the hell were you thinking, Willow?"

"Buffy, you said you had to move on and…"

"But not with a 'Ken'! Besides the whole icky 'Kennedy' connection…"

"Hey, I resent that!"

"Shut up, Kennedy…there's the whole Buffy and Ken thing. People would start calling me 'Barbie' thinking it was cute."

"Okay, yes, I didn't think of that, but he's a really nice man, a good guy and…"

"And I don't need to be set-up. Also, why would you bring me a man?"

Willow's face lit up excitedly:

"Ooh, so do you want a woman? Because there's this friend of Kennedy's who's all kinds of cute and…"

"I don't want anybody! I was just saying…Never mind. No more set-ups and that's final."

So that was the end of her set-up attempts, at least for the time being. I'm not naïve enough to think she won't try it again, but at least I know it'll be somewhere down the line which means I'm safe for now. And "safe" means I can actually sit here tonight and just relax and enjoy the down time with my friends.

We're out for a night on the town at our favorite bar, we being: Willow, Kennedy, Xander, Dawn, Satsu, Andrew, and the all better Buffster. Rona, Vi, and Cho-Ahn were going to come along too, but Cho-Ahn still needed another night of bed rest, and that news didn't exactly make her happy.

Vi and Rona offered to keep her company, and when I checked in to see how they were, they didn't seem at all upset that they were staying in for the night.

“Check it out, Boss, all kinds of food!”

“And we’ve actually got good movies this time because we didn’t let Rona pick them!”

“That’s cold, Vi.”

“It’s also true, Rona. We’re all going to kill ourselves if we have to watch ‘Jackie Brown’ or ‘Willy Wonka’ again.”

I noticed the ice cream that Cho-Ahn was happily devouring:

"Is that chocolate chocolate chip?”

She swallowed and grinned:

"Yep, those lactose pills work great with a little help from Willow."

So I left them with their stack of DVDS and every kind of take-out, almost wishing…

"Here, Buff."

My drink appeared from behind me since I was sitting with my back to the bar. I usually sit against a wall so I can see the room, but Kennedy refused to move, Dawn was already smirking, and Satsu looked hurt, like I was saying she couldn't handle the job. I jokingly told her I trusted her completely, and she acted as if I'd placed my life in her hands.

"Thank you for your trust, Buffy. I won't let you down."

She has to be the most serious Slayer on the planet and I gave her my best smile before sliding into my seat.

"I know you won't, Satsu."

She blushed and sat up straighter, and boy, you'd think she'd never had a compliment before…which isn't possible because she's a fabulous Slayer, definitely in the top five, and she's going to be promoted on Monday due to my recommendation. I just wish she wasn't quite so shy, although when she doesn't know I'm there, she's much more forceful and leader-like. Plus everyone else seems to think I'm crazy whenever I bring up the topic, so I guess maybe she's just never gotten over her nerves as far as I go.

Some of the girls still see me as "The Slayer", but not usually the ones who've known me for as long as Satsu has. Oh well, everybody's different and it doesn't really matter. She's done an amazing job and deserves to be rewarded for it, silly hero worship or not.

But tonight wasn't the time to get into all of that, tonight was supposed to be about everyone having a good time. Things have really been pressure packed lately, and why the bad guys are always so determined to end the world, I'll never understand. I guess it must be in the "What Evil Beings Do" handbook or maybe they're just unhappy as well as evil. Whatever the reason is, it didn't work out well for them this time around and the world gets to survive for at least another day.

Drinking and dancing, talking and eating were our time honored methods for blowing off steam, and we all went at it with a lot of gusto. Satsu however, seemed a little fun challenged and was still taking her "job" way too seriously. It felt like she was staring at me constantly, but whenever I looked up, her eyes were always sweeping the room behind me. I finally took pity on her after almost an hour.

"Come on, you're off duty."

"What?"

I stood up and held out my hand to her.

"You need to loosen up, let's go."

She fumbled around before she got a solid grasp on her beer bottle, took a huge swig, then grabbed my hand and let me lead her out onto the dance floor. The first couple of songs were fast, which was perfect for getting her to loosen up. You know you're wound up too tight when you make me look like a wild party animal.

We laughed and twirled our way around the room, and when a slow song started I was happy for the break. I draped my arms over her shoulders and she stiffened.

"Oh, sorry, I thought your shoulder was all healed up."

I started to lift my arms off of her, but she had other ideas.

"No, don't! I mean, no…almost. It's fine, you're okay."

I stayed where I was, let her be a tough guy if she had to be. We talked for a minute about nothing, and then I just couldn't keep it in any longer. Yes, I had sworn to Giles I wouldn't say a word, but it was good news and that should never wait all weekend long. Besides, we could all die at any second and I wanted her to know before she got hit by a bus driven by vampires or slipped in the shower on some demon goo.

"Okay, this is supposed to be a secret, so don't tell anyone, especially not Giles, but I know for a fact that you're getting the promotion. Congratulations, Satsu, I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. You've done such an incredible job, and I hope you know just how much I need you in the new position."

"…Thank you, Buffy. Please excuse me, I think I need some air."

She was all flushed, obviously the big news combined with the alcohol and dancing had caught up with her.

"Can't handle the Head Slayer, huh? Okay, I'll have a drink and an oxygen tank waiting for you when you get back."

I laughed and hugged her, then returned to my seat. There was an ice cold Diet Coke waiting for me that I drank half of in one go, and a fresh bottle of water for my wimpy dance partner.

Willow looked around:

"Where's Satsu? The bathroom?"

"She said she needed to get some air."

"I'll bet."

Dawnie had that look on her face like she knew something I didn't and just like whenever I saw it, I wanted to smack her.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Never mind, Buffy. It's way over your head."

I started to get into it with her, but Willow's next question stopped me in my tracks:

"So…you told, didn't you?"

"Who, me?"

Will laughed at my innocent expression:

"Yes, you. Goddess, Buffy, you are the worst secret keeper ever."

"No I'm not, and I am neither confirming nor denying that I might have brought up a new position with Satsu."

"What 'position' was that, Buffy?"

Dawn said that like it would annoy me for some reason, but I ignored her. I don't know why she always has to be so immature when it comes to me, but whatever. I stuck my tongue out at her before I started explaining to Willow:

"She seemed happy, but kind of stunned too. I don't know how she doesn't know she's absolutely perfect for…"

And then I felt it.

It took awhile, but one by one everyone at the table except Andrew looked up. Willow was sitting next to me, still talking as she turned to see what the big deal was:

"She's definitely perfect and I think…Hey, what's with the quiet? You guys are all staring like you've seen a gho…Oh, crap."

Everyone froze and l was the only one who didn't turn around or react in any visible way. I simply lifted my glass and sucked down the last of my diet coke, the straw making a loud noise that was easily heard at our suddenly silent table.

"Um, Buff…"

"I know, Xander."

"Are you…"

"I'm fine, Will."

Dawn said nothing, the worry and anger on her face easy to read as her eyes flitted between me and the approaching visitor. Andrew was still happily playing some game on Xander's cell phone, oblivious as usual.

"Ha, my one-eyed friend! I am so obliterating your paltry high score."

Xander didn't respond to his taunt, his eye narrowed in on the woman making her way to our table.

"Buffy, she's coming over. Do you want me to…"

"No, let her come."

It didn't take long, but it seemed like an eternity. My body was hot and cold at the same time, like all of my switches had been thrown. Every emotion raced through me and my heart sped up like I was in a fight to the death, but I did everything I could to look calm. The joy, the rage, the lust, the every single emotion anyone has ever felt were right there, all easy access.

God, had I ever just been kidding myself when I thought I was over her.

"Hi, guys. What's shakin'?"

The sound of her voice made me feel like bursting into tears, but I forced myself to stay in control. The greetings were somewhat restrained out of a sense of loyalty to me, which I appreciated, but I knew everyone was happy to see her. She was safe and she was home, and regardless of our situation, that was nothing but a good thing.

I knew I had to say something or at least turn around to face her, but I didn't want to. I had no idea what to say, how to act or feel, and as I sat there nothing came to me. I didn't need to worry, Satsu decided to make her reappearance right then and as far as reappearances went, it was a real doozy.

"Well, well, well, look what finally turned up."

I could feel Faith’s eyes reluctantly leaving the back of my head:

"Satsu."

She had inexplicably carried over a chair and she now squeezed it in next to me, forcing Xander to scoot over towards Andrew.

"We're full up, so why don't you go find someplace else to sit?"

"Or could just toss your ass and take your spot."

"Sorry, you gave it up quite a while ago."

Xander was looking at Faith and his eye opened wide as he started to stand.

"Easy, Cyclops. Not gonna do anything. Kid's got a big mouth, but now's not the time to shut it."

"I'm not a 'kid'."

Faith ignored her completely:

"Hi, B."

I wanted to talk, but at the sound of her saying my name, my mouth went completely dry. Kennedy stood up like she'd been hit by a cattle prod or a Willow mind message:

"Here, Faith, take my chair."

"Thanks, 'preciate it."

She walked around as Kennedy slid into Satsu's old chair and sat down looking so good, I felt my body temperature shoot up by at least ten degrees. Her face was so perfect, her hair was dark and shiny, her body was leaner than it should be, but still plenty curvy, and she was staring at me with beautiful eyes that were clear and alive. I couldn't stop myself from drinking in every square inch of her.

She was nervous, although I don't think anyone could tell that outright except for me. Her arms rested still on the table, but I knew it was a struggle for her not to start tapping her fingers in some rapid fire beat. If things were normal, I would have held her hand in mine to help her settle down. But things weren't normal…not in any way.

There was the sound of an explosion from Xander's phone, and Andrew finally looked up, a smug smile on his face.

"There's no way, Xand, that you can…Holy Dark Slayer!"

"Got it right in one, Andy. How's it goin'?"

"Good, although now my stomach feels kind of weird."

Faith smiled and tried to put him at ease:

"Got that effect on a lotta guys, but promise ya got nothin' to worry about."

He'd always liked her after their initial meeting in Sunnydale, and with an apologetic glance at me, he smiled back:

"I've missed you something fierce."

"Definitely swingin' both ways."

She turned her attention back to me, looking me right in the eye as her smile shifted to the one that was all mine and mine alone. I knew we hadn't been together in what felt like forever, but suddenly it was like we'd just climbed out of bed a few minutes ago and weren't quite finished.

I was hurt and angry, those were definitely the two emotions I was feeling the most, but they weren't the only ones, not by any stretch of the imagination. Besides, it wasn't like they'd ever been a deterrent before when it came to sex with her. Nothing had ever deterred me from sex with her.

She knew exactly what I was feeling, I saw that she did, and she pulled back a little bit to let me get my bearings. She was still smiling though and…God, she was so very beautiful and so very Faith.

"So how's everything been goin’ here?"

"How do you think it's been goin’, bitch?"

Dawnie answered faster than me and she was just seconds from leaping across the table to get to Faith. Faith stayed calm, in fact she was being calmer than I'd ever seen her be…except for maybe when she was wooing me when we first got together. She was so patient then, even when I kept trying to pick a fight with her.

"Figure you got it under control, Squirt."

"Yeah, strangely we all decided not to just sit around and wait for you to show up."

"Good decision."

Her eyes were already back on me, but this time I was intensely studying the tabletop.

"B, could I maybe talk to you?"

"Sure, go ahead."

I hadn't meant it to sound so bitchy. I knew she meant privately, and of course we had to speak privately, but I was still in a state of shock and unable to function normally or even like a recently awakened coma victim. No one else was doing all that much better, and then Willow piped up like she was on speed:

"Faith, do want a drink? I'll bet you want a beer, no, maybe something stronger. Who wants a drink? On me, the drinks, beer or otherwise. Did you decide, Faith, or do you want me to just…"

"I'm good, Red, but thanks for the offer."

Faith was still staring at me, and Satsu decided to play my protector even more than she already had:

"Hey, when you're done trying to stare Buffy down, why don't you take a hint and…"

"Satsu?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut the fuck up."

Satsu was on her feet and ready for a fight. She stood right next to Faith's chair, looming over her:

"Why don't you try to make me?"

Faith finally took her eyes off of me to look up at her:

"Better sit your wound up ass back down 'fore you make this what it's not."

Satsu didn't move, and I knew I had to intervene. I couldn't just sit catatonic forever and let everyone else try to handle the situation for me.

"It's okay, Satsu. She’s just checking in, it's fine."

"I don't see what's 'fine' about it, Buffy. You're being way too nice to her and you should just…"

Faith laughed, and although I knew she was determined not to get into it with anyone, I also knew she was almost at her limit with the Slayer standing next to her.

"You in charge of B now, Satsu? There been some change I oughta know about?"

"After what you did, you don't have the right to know anything about Buffy."

"Maybe, maybe not. Do know that's not your call to make."

"You're a worthless excuse for a Slayer and a human being. You don't deserve a woman like Buffy, and we'd all be better off if you'd never come back."

Faith sat looking at her and I saw everything in Faith's eyes: the desire to punch Satsu right through the wall, her respect for the bravery and loyalty on display, and still the determination not to let things escalate out of control.

"Wasn't so long ago I'd have agreed with you. That time's past though, so wanna do us both a solid and get the fuck outta my face now?"

Satsu didn't budge and Faith finally got to her feet. There was barely room to slide a piece of paper between them, but I wasn't concerned. I knew Faith wasn't going to do anything physical, her eyes, the ones that had gone back to burning a hole through me, told me that much.

"I'll see you guys back at Slayer Central. B, I hope we can…"

Satsu hit her then. Faith crashed into her chair and it slammed against the wall as she was knocked off balance, drawing the attention of the surrounding customers. She righted herself, put a hand up to the corner off her mouth to wipe off the blood, and laughed under her breath.

Xander was up as was Kennedy, but Faith just smiled:

"Nice shot, kid. Had that one comin', but don't try it again. Just let me walk outta here."

And Satsu did.

No one said a word as Faith left, all eyes shifting from her to me the second she was out of sight. It had to have been kind of boring for them because I didn't say a word as I sat there. I tried to find one last drop of my drink to slurp up, stared into space for about ten minutes, and then I left to go home. Willow, Xander, and Dawn all insisted they should go with me, but I insisted just a bit more firmly that this was a solo mission.

I took a cab back and headed up to my room, half expecting her to be there waiting for me, but the place was empty. I tossed my keys on the table, uncertain what I should do next when there was a knock on my door. My hand shook a little as I opened it, knowing exactly who was on the other side waiting for me.

"B."

She was fidgeting right out in the open now, shifting from foot to foot, her hands restless as they went in and out of her pockets, trailed through her hair, rubbed along the side of her face.

"Sorry about before. I thought maybe it'd be easier with the gang there."

"I don't think there is an easy way."

"No, probably not. I…I uh, I was wondering if we could talk. If it's too soon and you need more time, that's cool, but I at least wanted to apologize for showing up there and…"

I stepped back and opened the door wider:

"Come in."

I figured we should get it over with now rather than later. And although there would have to be a "later" as well, I wanted my position clear right from the start. I wasn't a doormat, I wasn't going to welcome her back with open arms just because she'd finally decided to show up. She'd hurt me, made me feel like my love wasn't good enough, and I wanted to make her understand without a doubt that things had changed.

But the thing is – it's a lot easier to be tough when she's not standing right in front of me. Because when she's not with me, I can't smell her delicious scent and I can't see the shame, sorrow, love, and lust in the perfect brown eyes staring back at me. I don't feel her shaking as I slowly run my hands up and down the bare skin of her arms, and I don't hear the sharp intake of her breath when my fingers thread through her hair. I don't taste the sweet flavor of her lips, lips that are tentative and gentle, letting me lead us wherever I want to.

It's a lot easier to keep my guard up when the sun is shining, when it's not our time – all dark and dangerous with the pull of the night surrounding us. In the daylight I can call up the list of everything she's done to me, but here in the night it's faded so far into the background I can't even recognize it. What I see, all I see is Faith, nothing more, nothing less. And I know the anger and hurt are still there and I know they have to be, but the body that has molded itself to hers has made it clear that they will have to wait their turn. Because now the joy and the relief and the love are in charge, and they refuse to be denied.

Faith's arms finally come up to wrap around me, loose, still letting me lead, and that tells me so much. I pull my mouth from hers, trailing kisses on my way to…Her moan sounds out loud as I hit one of her spots, and I keep tormenting her as one of my hands slides under her shirt to reacquaint itself with the perfect combination of soft and hard, the little peak feeling just like it was made to fit between my fingers.

"B…"

One simple letter and I feel such happiness. I lead us to our bed, not questioning, not wondering what I'm doing because I know what I'm doing – I'm loving Faith, just like I'm supposed to. Everything else will have to wait its turn to be sorted out because right now is our time, and right or wrong, smart or not, that's just the way it is.

I haven't felt her in forever, haven't felt her holding me, haven't felt the ecstasy and rightness that always happens whenever we're together. And I want it. I need it…no matter what the cost.

There's no way it makes sense, there's no way she should still have this power over me, but she does and I won't pretend that she doesn't. She's come home and I can't leave her hanging, not tonight, not when she's right here. I can feel her desire and hope, her pain and her fear, and I answer it all with one simple word that matches our heartbeats into a single rhythm:

"Faith…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wrapped by Kelly Willis

I didn’t have to turn my head whenever you walked in

The only one to let these chills roll down my skin

My heart beats faster when I hear your name

And I feel my confidence slipping away

Thought I was doing fine

‘Bout to get you off my mind

Well I see your face and then I’m wrapped

Around your pretty little finger again

It feels like ages since you lay down in my arms

I see no good reason still I’m tangled in your charms

Now my God you’re smiling and you catch my eye

Well my heart is pounding deep inside

Thought I was doing fine

‘Bout to get you off my mind

Well I see your face and then I’m wrapped

Around your pretty little finger again

Ain’t gonna let no man go down without a fight

‘Cause my stalls and walls look better in the bright daylight

Now my heart beats faster when I call your name

And I feel my confidence slipping away

Thought I was doing fine

‘Bout to get you off my mind

Well I see your face and then I’m wrapped

Around your pretty little finger

Thought I was doing fine

‘Bout to get you off my mind

Well I see your face and then I’m wrapped

Around your pretty little finger again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Ten

Never Give Up

So I got no complaints. It's not like I thought everything was fixed or gonna go easy, and it's not like I don't think I deserve to work for it because I do. You can't just sail in and outta somebody's life whenever you feel like it, even when you love them more than air. Other people have feelings too and the stupid stuff you do makes an impact.

And besides, it's way better than I thought it was gonna be because Buffy's apparently some kinda saint, and she's already way past where I'd be at this point if the sitch was flipped. She loves me and that gets me a whole lot more leeway than I oughta get. That said though, the whole deal's a work in progress and I just wish it wasn't. But fuck me because you get what you earn, and I'm just grateful B thinks I earned way less shit than I actually did.

When we woke up that next morning she was still in my arms and I really had to fight not to cry. I didn't wanna move, I just wanted her to stay there forever, but of course she had to wake up sooner or later. I didn't know what to expect, more than half of me was predicting she was gonna smash my teeth down my throat or at the very least give me the cold shoulder.

Instead I got a little stretch, a kiss on my breast, and then an off the charts, feels so good, "Buffy" snuggle in.

"Mmm…is this a dream?"

"Don't think so. Think maybe I died and they mixed up where I'm s'posed to be."

I felt her laugh against me.

"Faith, there is no way you're going to Hell, okay?"

"No way to know for sure and…"

"I know for sure. And besides, I'd just come get you anyway."

It's maybe stupid, but whenever she says shit like that it makes me feel so great. Plus I believe her, which makes me think maybe I got a shot at a better afterlife than I oughta.

We didn't say anything else for a while, just kept laying where we were.

"I suppose I should get up."

"I'm fine with right where you are, B."

She nodded:

"Me too, but it shouldn't be this way, at least not yet."

"Yeah, guess not…Can I keep holding you anyways?"

She didn't say yes, but she didn't move either. She just hunkered down into me, which is of course an answer all by itself. My arms tightened around her, my fingers sliding up and down her perfect skin, and my nose breathing in deep as I let myself drown in the smell of her hair.

We drifted off and when I woke up again, she was gone. I was all alone in her bed, a place not so long ago I never figured I'd ever make it back to. So even though I felt bad she wasn't with me, I was mostly flyin’ high. Even with whatever was in store, it couldn't touch a patch on me getting to be there, and I enjoyed it to the max.

I noticed right off that I was covered up the standard way, which meant Buffy took the time to take care of me before she hauled ass. I pretty much sleep like a wild woman and I can really tear it up. The covers end up all over the place, and if I'm lucky I can maybe hang onto the sheet or the blanket and at least have something on me. What's usual though is all the bed shit's on the floor and I'm freezing my ass off.

Sleeping with B's kinda changed that, but I still sometimes end up with just the sheet on my lower half and the blanket doin’ Tit Duty. It ticks B off because she likes the sheet, then the blanket on top of that like most people do. It grosses her out if she just has the blanket on, like the sheet's some sorta protective cootie shield. I don't know from what, but I know she's dead serious about it, and one of the funniest things I've ever seen is Buffy sound asleep, hanging on tight with a Slayer grip to the corner of the covers.

It helps out that she never seems to mind when it's me on top of her instead, and if I manage to get the sheet and blanket covering us too, she goes raunchy as fuck. I think it's a "girl" thing, like how some chicks get bent out of shape when the guy leaves the seat up. If he puts it down on his own, she'll put out like crazy for him, and it's hard to believe some guys are so stupid they never figure that out.

Anyway, I wallowed there in her bed, knowing that even though a big piece of her had to be hating me, she still cared enough to make sure I wasn't gonna get cold. Only thing better woulda been if she'd still been there, but that's just me being greedy and kinda on the stupid side. Speaking of sides – it didn't take long before I drifted over to her piece of the bed.

It's one of my favorite places ever, whether she's there or not, and it just feels like home to me. It's always crisp and clean, warm and cool, all light and sunny, even at nighttime in the dark. I know that doesn't make a lotta sense or even seem possible, but that's how it is. Always smells just like her too.

I finally made myself get up because I knew I should leave her room. We'd made love and snuggled in together, but that didn't mean I had the same rights and privileges I had before I left. No way could I just assume shit in this sitch, I might as well dig my own grave if I pulled that crap. Buffy's hurt and mad, scared and confused, and all of that's legit. She's gonna need lotsa time and space, and I don't have the slightest problem giving her that even though I wanna stay permanently attached 24/7.

It's definitely been a rollercoaster ride these last few weeks, and sometimes it doesn't feel like my safety bar's locked. B and me, we been all over the place…at least she has. I've tried real hard to be steady and patient while she's shiftin’ moods, sometimes from sentence to sentence. She can be kissing me, then when she pulls back I'll see the hardness in her eyes like she wants nothing more than to punch me right in the face. It's tough because I never know what I'm gonna get from her.

Least I'm back on active duty now. I had a big talk with Giles – he had questions and he needed answers about a whole buncha stuff. He wanted to hear it from me that I was serious and able to do my job, but that took a lot of explaining about a lotta stuff I'd have rather left out when it comes to him. But too bad for me because what else could the guy do? It's not like we can have some crazy loose cannon with maybe a death wish running around in the night. 'Sides, I'm supposed to be somebody steering the kids the right way, not into a bottle while I have a breakdown and get myself killed.

So I spilled what I needed to without even flinching all that much and he got it, which was another huge load off.

"Well, I for one am thrilled that you're back. Things have been somewhat on the dreary side without you, and the program doesn't run nearly as well without your input. Kennedy's skills with a crossbow are…well, let's just say she's not exactly up to the challenge when it comes to giving lessons."

He kept it there, all business stuff until I was leaving and he walked me to the door. Before I could get to the hallway, he wrapped me up in a big hug.

"Buffy has been miserable without you. No matter how the upcoming days play out, please remember how much she loves you. Give her time, yes?"

"No worries, G-Man, I got it. B's gonna get whatever she needs from me."

"I know she will, I just don't want you having any doubts."

I felt the soft kiss he gave me on the top of my head as he let me go.

"I've missed you too, Faith. Welcome home."

I was kinda choked up, so I went for the joke:

"I got Newbie Patrol forever, don't I?"

"Yes, I'm afraid the Head Slayer requested it."

We both laughed, even though I knew it was probably true, and just like that I was back in the swing of it. I was sorta surprised, I'd figured to be on probation for at least the rest of my life, but Giles must have been convinced by our talk. Plus, I know he had to get B's sign-off because Buffy's the boss when it comes to the slaying stuff, so that part of it made me feel good too.

B's always been fair, keeping the personal outta the slaying part when it comes to everybody. She can hate somebody's guts, but you'd never know it when she does her evaluations or hands out assignments or praise or criticism. Which means for me I got to come back full time with nobody saying shit about it. The only one who made any crappy comments was Satsu, but then she's always done that, so I didn't let it get to me…most of the time.

A few days ago she poked a little too hard and it didn't just roll off my back. We were teachin’ a class together, thanks to her new promotion and the fact that Giles sometimes makes assignments with his head stuck up his ass. It's usually a risky move whenever he partners us up anyway, but more often than not we actually work pretty good together. No such luck this time.

It had to be the longest ninety minute class ever, and man, oh man, she just couldn't shut up or let anything slide. Talk about havin' the red ass, even the kids were looking at her funny. I kept ignoring her which I deserve a medal for, but once the last girl filed out, I grabbed Satsu around the neck and lifted her into the air a little bit. She tried to get loose, so I slammed her hard against the chalkboard and used my body to block the kicks she was trying to deliver. She went to pry my hand off her neck, so I tightened my grip until she took the hint.

Once I had her all settled in, I said my piece:

"One day you're gonna go too far. I get you love her and I'm sorry about that 'cause I know how it feels. But Buffy's mine, whether you like how I handle it or not. Ease off 'fore I splatter you all over a wall."

I gave her the full psycho effect, but to her credit she barely let it slow her down. She doesn't like me, thinks Buffy deserves better, and she's not gonna let it go. When I turned her loose, she rubbed her throat, looked me right in the eye and laid one on the tip of my boot before she walked out.

I can't blame her. Watching the woman you love being treated way less than she oughta be, well, that shit burns and makes ya wanna drop somebody for good. I understand that all too well, and I got nothing but respect and sympathy for her. The kid has some huge balls, a huge love for Buffy, and a wicked huge grudge against me. No way am I gonna be turnin’ my back on her any time soon.

But that's all just some crap I gotta deal with every once in a while, nothing that's gonna keep me up nights. What I got my attention focused on is B and the weird vibe we got goin' at the moment. We haven't had sex since the night I got back, at least not full on. We do stuff, just enough to get us all wound up, then we stop, or more accurate, B stops. We slay, eat a few meals, talk around the sitch, have my people call her people, the usual stuff every couple in love does when one of them wants to kill the other one for fucking everything up.

What it comes down to is that B just isn't sure how it should go, and how she feels about me changes at any spot in the day. She swings all over the place: mad, happy, flirty, cold as ice, sad, nervous, she's every emotion there is and they all come at me one after the other. No matter what way I react, I'm almost always wrong.

I joke around, she's dead serious. I go all deep, she's nothin’ but casual. I'm quiet, Buffy's the life of the party. I figure she needs space, she wants us to be together. I show up for some quality time, she hates my guts. It's tense and it's tough, and it feels like I'm living right on the edge of a disaster every second of every day and night. It's nothing anybody'd wish on their worst enemy, but the craziest thing about it? I've never felt better in my whole life.

Everything's different for me, I'm like a new person. I decided somethin’, and by dealing with all of the shit that I never thought I could handle, I feel like I'm ready to start living now. I wanna grab B and dance, tell her she can trust me, tell her just to take the big leap and know that our life together is waiting for us. There's not gonna be anymore shit, well, 'cept for the usual crap everybody gets, and there's definitely not gonna be any leaving her again. Not ever.

I feel so light, and now I understand just how easy it is to be happy. I'm in love and there's nothing in me that's freaking out about it anymore. I'm standing, sitting, laying, slaying, I'd be fucking too if she'd let me, right out in the open. She doesn't need to dig, doesn't need to suppose or wait me out, and there are no more walls for her to climb. I'm ready and I'm not hiding ever again. I'm home and I'm safe, and I'm right where I'm always gonna wanna be.

I want Buffy forever, then I'm gonna negotiate for some more time after that. We're gonna be together, we are together, and as every day grinds by, I just feel better and better. It's nothing but easy to be home, nothing but a breeze to stand, sit, lay, slay, even fuck if she'd let me, and stare right back at her wide open. I'm not fighting her anymore. I waved the white flag a long ways ago and now I'm just waiting for her to tell me the terms of my surrender.

Yeah, the sitch has been a rollercoaster of feelings right from the start, some of them good, some of them bad, and some of them so painful they tried to tear us apart. Whatever, I'm not worried if we rip up a little. I'll find all the pieces and put'em back where they belong, and I'll make sure they're stronger than they were before. We'll go up and down, this way and that, and it won't mean a damn thing because I'm strapped in now and I'm on for the whole ride.

Sure I might lose a little skin, might get tossed and turned and feel like somebody beat the crap outta me, but so what? I know now the world's not waiting to dump shit all over us, it never was. That was just me from the first second I realized we were really gonna make a go of it. It wasn't just gonna be sex, it was gonna be love, so I freaked and took us right outta easy into all fucked up.

I just never got it – not from the first time we met and she strolled into my heart to make me hers, not through all of the years we struggled with ourselves and each other, not even when she held me in her arms and the pain I'd been lugging around for my whole life just faded away to the kinda peace I'd always thought was a crock. Buffy loves me and that trumps everything else I've ever known…and it always will.

Yep, me and Buffy, all happy and together, light and easy. I've never done anything like this before, not even close, and I didn't think I even knew how. Turns out I do know how, I'm like a freakin' master at it. The woman I love is right here and looking at me like…well, like she doesn't know exactly what she's supposed to do with me, and all I got for her is a smile and a promise:

Take your time, B. I'm not going anywhere.

Sometimes she looks at me and I can see how much she just wants us to be okay again, but then sometimes she definitely wants to send me for an up close and personal stare down with the white light. That anger's scary when it shows, usually stopping by right on the heels of something nice like last night.

We had an early meeting, then that was it for me and B for the rest of the day and night. I was hoping if I asked, maybe she'd wanna spend some time with me and we could maybe get to some stuff we needed to get to. Before I could make my move, she came over and man, did she ever look hot. She was kinda shy, like she wasn't exactly sure of herself, and I just wanted to drag her to an empty room and make her so sure she'd feel every bit of…

"Faith?"

"Huh?

She was smiling now like I was nothing but adorable for spacing out.

"I'm up here."

"Yeah, but trust me, B – you're down there too."

I wiggled my eyebrows at her and grinned. She shoved me a little before going back to what she was gonna say:

"I was thinking maybe we should have dinner and talk tonight, if you wan…"

"I definitely wanna do that. My place at seven? I'll cook."

I had to not laugh out loud because she always looks so confused that I'm not only always willing to talk now, I'm dying to.

"Are you sure? I could just…"

"Cook? B, please, I want us to actually enjoy dinner, alright?"

She smacked me on the shoulder this time, a big, warm "Buffy" smile on her face.

"I was going to say I could just order us something, F."

F.

I got an "F" out of her, a nice one too, and I was so happy I had to stop myself from grabbing her and twirling us around and around until we puked. I knew my next words were gonna make that smile fade away, but I had to say'em anyway:

"I know, but I wanna do somethin' nice for you."

She tensed right up, her smile gone as she gritted out that she'd be there at seven. Then without another word, she just turned and walked away from me.

My smile never left, not even when I was shopping. I musta looked nuts or somethin’ ‘cause people cut me a break the whole way through the store. They let me snag all the best stuff, moved outta my way in the aisles, even let me skip in line at the checkout. Everybody just smiled back at me like I was some sappy girl in love, and I breezed right through the place.

When I got home, I cranked up some music, then sang and danced my way through the afternoon. I cooked and cleaned like I was Doris Day or some other dead housewife chick because I wanted everything perfect for when B showed up. We were gonna eat and finally talk, and the best part was it was all Buffy's idea.

By the time it got to be almost time, I was all set. I'd made her favorite meal that I only ever cooked for her, I had daffodils in about a hundred different spots, and my place was cleaner than it'd been since I moved in…all big pluses when it came to making B feel like I was trying to make her happy.

All that was left to do was shower because damn, it's hot and sweaty work bein’ a housewife. I headed to the bathroom, stripping as I walked and leaving a trail of clothes behind me on the bedroom floor. I started to turn the water on before I realized and went back to pick them up. I stuffed everything into the hamper B bought me back when we first got serious.

"What the hell's that weird thing in the corner, B?"

We were naked in bed and hoping our hearts were gonna slow down enough so we could make'em speed up again.

"It's called a 'laundry hamper'."

"A 'humper'?"

I demonstrated and she told me to stop it.

"You put your dirty clothes in it."

"No, I just throw mine on the floor."

"Yes, I remember when you used to do that. Those sure were the days, weren't they?"

I was confused for a second, not because I'm stupid, more like because her hand was someplace that made it tough to concentrate on words, let alone get 'em in the right order.

"But I…clothes…like my…Fuck…room stuff…way…B…"

"Your room now has a well-used hamper if I'm going to be in it. The room, not the hamper."

She got her way most of the time, at least every time I knew she was coming over. Other times the floor, the chair, the bed, the couch, every place clothes landed worked just great. If she caught me in a surprise visit, I'd just call'em "Free Range Clothes" and make her laugh, then make love to her until clothes weren't even a blip on her radar.

But current times didn't find me anywhere near where I could just charm my way outta shit, so mashing all of the clothes down into the already full humper seemed like a small price to pay. 'Specially when I'd put so much effort into making the night a good one. Once I got everything inside and was sure the sides weren't gonna blow, I turned around to head back to the shower. That's when I realized I'd forgotten to make my bed.

Here the whole place was shiny and clean, but if B needed to come in here, it was gonna ruin the look of everything. Since the sheets were mostly off the mattress anyway, I figured I might as well put clean ones on. It only took me a few, then I finally got showered and dressed, and I was back at my post in the kitchen about ten minutes before she showed.

She didn't knock, she just used her key which made me smile so big my face felt weird. She smiled back, then breathed in deep:

"Mmm... We're having 'Chosen Two'?"

"Yep, and save some room because I got us Rocky Road for dessert."

Then she saw the table was set with my real dishes and that there were flowers in the center and practically everywhere else she looked. Again with the smile I loved, and this time she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I thought that was it, which was plenty great, but then she leaned back in for one on the lips too. I kept a tight grip on the wooden spoon I was holding and just managed not to throw her on the table and fuck the hell outta her…even when I felt her tongue swipe soft along my bottom lip.

Jesus……

"Take a seat, B. Everything's ready if you're hungry."

She was and we dug in. The meal was great and we just talked about regular stuff, all relaxed and easy. I kept staring at how beautiful her eyes were, how they kept changing shades whenever the lights would catch'em different. This angle, that angle, I could have watched all night long.

We each ate two big bowls and lotsa cornbread, then decided to take our drinks over and sit on the couch for dessert. I grabbed the half gallon of ice cream and a coupla spoons, then sat down next to her. We got right to the eating, and a few times she did this thing that always makes me laugh. I do all the work digging out a chunk and her spoon swipes it right offa mine.

"Hey!"

"You snooze, you lose, Faith."

We ate for a while, not talking at all, but it wasn't tense. I love when B licks her spoon to clean off the ice cream that sometimes sticks behind, her tongue all pink and…I jammed my spoon into the container and reached for my glass that was sitting on the coffee table. I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but it slipped and I tried to hang onto it.

Instead I flipped it right into the ice cream carton just when B was tipping it towards her to pull out a big piece. Everything mixed together, then splashed up onto her face and shirt. She let out a squeal because what's colder than ice cream mixed with coke and ice cubes, then stood up as she shoved the carton onto the coffee table.

I stood with her, I don't know why except it was like an instinct, and I pulled some cubes off her suddenly high beams.

"Damn it!"

"Sorry, B. The glass was all wet and…"

Her hand wiped at her cheek and came away with ice cream.

"It's okay, but I think I need a shower."

"Or I could just li…Uh, yeah. Go hop in while I get this cleaned up."

She tried not to drip all over the carpet as she went into the bathroom with me staring at her until she was out of sight. Talk about a close call with my big mouth licking her clean. I went there mentally for a minute, then picked up the cubes from the couch and floor and tossed them into the carton. I took the whole thing and put it in the sink to let the ice cream melt, then tore off a handful of paper towels and went to go clean up the mess.

It didn't take long and after, I headed to the laundry closet to grab her some clean towels from the dryer. I snagged an oversized tee and a pair of pants for her outta my dresser as I passed by, then walked into the bathroom. It was all steamy even though the door was open, and it smelled like Buffy, which made sense because I still had everything she used all ready to go for her. I stood there not moving because I swear I could hear every single drop of water bouncing and dripping and slinking down her body, and I…

"B, I'm putting the towels on the sink with a big shirt and some sweats. Gonna soak yours so they don't stain."

"Okay, thanks. I'm almost done."

I picked up her clothes, but her shirt got snagged on the bottle of hand soap. No problem for somebody with Slayer strength, except I moved too fast and tipped her freestanding, up close mirror off the counter. No fucking way was I letting that bust, I was finished with bad luck, and I caught it safe and sound and put it back on the counter feeling pretty proud of myself.

When I glanced down, I saw I'd also managed to smear the shit from B's shirt all over mine.

"Fuck!"

"What?"

"Nothin’."

I put her stuff back on the counter and took off my shirt, but right as I tossed it on the pile the shower shut off, the curtain pulled back, and there was B in all her glory. But that wasn't the worst of it, not by a long shot. The worst was no matter how loud I was screaming at myself to turn around, I couldn't stop looking at her like she was eye candy I just had to eat. I don't even know how long it went for, I was what they call "lost in the moment".

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I didn't answer at first, but when she stepped out and started to wrap a towel around herself, I snapped out of it.

"Sorry, I was…"

"I cannot believe you!"

I'd finally managed to get my eyes up to hers and Christ, was she ever mad. I didn't know over what exactly. Okay sure, I crossed the line a little, but it's not like she doesn't know how I am or how hot she makes me. It was definitely nothing she had to kill me over. I mean, no matter what's going on or not going on between us, she presents her naked tits and pussy to me, what else can I do but look and drool all over the place?

"B, what's…"

"So this was all just a set-up?"

"What?"

I looked behind me to see if somebody else was there, but no, it was just the two of us. I felt a folded towel slam up against my chest.

"Well, your little seduction scenario didn't work, Faith. God, here I thought you were being so sweet and we were having a nice time."

It was then I realized my tits were bare, no bra for me, and it must have looked to her like I was getting ready to join her in the shower.

"I was! We was…were! I mean, no, not the seducing part…I just wanted to…I was…B, I was just dropping off the towels and picking up your shirt."

"Which explains why you were undressing while I was showering."

"Yeah, except no. Look, I wasn't getting in, leastways not without an invite. You know, only if you wanted me to and said so, but that's like the only way. I mean it's…I was just…"

She shoved past me into the bedroom:

"Why am I not surprised?"

That pissed me off. I've never been pushy with B, never forced myself in where she didn't want me, never pressured her to do anything before she was ready. She was talking shit and it hurt my feelings that she didn't seem to notice I was trying to give her all the time she needed.

"You're being so fucking stupid."

That stopped her and she turned around to look at me. I stood my ground, but it wasn't so easy when she was looking at me like I was a vamp who'd just drained a baby…a baby nun who was a puppy.

"What did you just say to me?"

"I said you're being stupid. You know I've never tried to pull anything with you and…"

"Oh yeah, Faith, you've been a real saint."

"When it comes to shit like this, yeah I have been!"

She stood there glaring, but then her eyes sorta softened and I saw her blow out a little breath.

"So, this was what then?"

"Really bad slapstick that left out the funnies."

She wasn't smiling and she still looked kinda pissed, but she was also listening.

"I swear, Buffy, all I had planned was dinner and talking."

Her eyebrow arched up the way she does it, like she's the Queen of England, and I was starting to wonder how much I was supposed to take before I did actually try something with her.

"Okay, yeah, maybe I hoped for a little something like second base, but B, I mainly just wanna talk and explain shit. I mean, sure, I always wanna have sex with you, but I know other stuff's way more important right now."

She rotated her shoulders and glanced at my bed:

"Are those clean sheets?"

"Yeah, but just to look good, not because…"

She held up her hand to stop me from starting a whole new ramble.

"I'm kidding, Faith."

"Really?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry I overreacted. I know you want to talk, you've wanted to talk since you got back, and I also know how patient you're being. Despite how it looked a second ago, I really do appreciate it."

Man, talk about dodging a bullet.

"Guess it had to look a little dicey with my tits wavin’ in the breeze."

B smiled and blushed a little:

"Um…actually there's been no waving of any kind. I was secretly hoping for at least a few jiggles, but you never even moved a muscle."

"Yeah, the new implants make'em stay put."

We both laughed and I went and got myself another shirt while she got dressed. We met back on the couch and talked for a couple hours, and it went better than I'd hoped. She mostly listened while I explained lotsa stuff to her, and it felt good to be letting her in on what went down with me.

I told her everything, how I pulled out of it and how I was sorry and was never gonna leave her again. She didn't really say much back to me, but afterwards we fooled around and made it to I guess what you'd have to call shortstop. Wherever it was, it was nothin’ but a good place.

As for not getting more from her talking wise, I didn't really expect much different. It's all just lip service to her, at least for now, and what else can it be? I mean, anybody can talk a good game, what you gotta do is play and prove you got the skills.

Yeah I promised her I'm in it for the long haul, and I definitely am, but the only way she's gonna know that for sure is if I'm here every day. There's nothing but time that's gonna make this real for her and there's no way to get around that fact. It's not a great sitch for either of us, but when you act like I did, this is where you end up…if you're lucky.

At least I know that she loves me and still wants me, and I also know she knows that I love her. That's not a problem, that won't ever be the problem, and so we have to go from there. I wanna fix what I fucked up, but that kinda work only gets done by doing it over time. She can't trust me right now, but once those days start pilin’ up, she'll start believing me again.

It's cool, I can wait. I got nothing but time, no other place I wanna be, so I'll hang here and move as slow as we gotta. If she speeds it up, I'll be right with her every step of the way. Whatever pace B's gonna take it at, I'm gonna match her. I'm staying put right by her side, feeling nothing but grateful to get another chance to claim that spot as mine.

I gotta pay some dues, take my lumps, and that's okay with me. After years of screwing up, I've got another chance, a good one, and I'm gonna take it. I've got the best person ever made wanting nothing more than to be with me, and I'm done trying to screw that up for myself. Life is good, life is sweet, and I'm gonna enjoy every fucking second of it.

So right now things are a little shaky between me and B, but so what? They're not always gonna be, and one day we'll be way past this and looking back at what a shit time it was. We'll laugh, maybe B’ll smack me one for bein’ so damn dumb, and then she'll kiss me because we made it through. I'll thank her for not letting go and for forgiving me, then we'll make love and keep right on living our life together.

Yeah, you take your time, B. I'm not going anywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never Give Up by Melissa Ferrick

There’s a flickering light bouncin’ off the table into your eyes

And I can’t help but wanna catch it

When you fold me in your arms

And dump your soul onto my back

All the noises in my head stop to listen to my heart

Stretchin’ out, givin’ in

Would you look at this love of ours now

I do believe I’m settling in

Come on in honey, the deep end is callin’

Touch your toes now and spring back up

I’m gonna promise it all, true lovin’

So come on, come on baby

I said never give up

When without a warning you walked right in

Sat yourself inside me and ordered

Never has it been so easy to just lay still and let somebody see me

My heart is stretchin’ out

Oh, I’m givin’ in, yeah

Look at this love of ours now

I do believe I’m slowin’ down a little and settlin’ in

Come on in honey the deep end is callin’

Touch your toes now and spring back up

I’m gonna promise it all, true lovin’

So come, come on baby

I said never give up

The first week was like a month stranded on an island

With nothin’ but our bodies talkin’

When we came up for air

All the world was there

I swear it was raining just in our honor

I’m stretchin’ out now

Ooh I’m givin’ in, yeah

Would you look at this love of ours now

I do believe I’m settlin’ in, yeah

Would you look at this love of ours now

I do believe we’re settlin’ in, yeah

So come on!

Come on in, honey the deep end is callin’

Touch your toes now and spring back up

I’m gonna promise it all, true lovin’

Come on in honey the deep end is callin’

Touch your toes now and sprig back up

Let’s promise it all to each other

So come on, come on honey, I said never give up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Play It As It Lays

It was just supposed to be a simple mission: head to Chicago and evaluate how well the Slayers there were doing their job, as well as assess how much longer it was going to take to finish up. It was something that any skilled Slayer or Scooby could manage, but Giles insisted that I had to be the one to do it.

"Buffy, although this task appears somewhat mundane on the surface, there is a bit more going on here."

"Such as?"

"Such as this has been a rather arduous assignment, and besides requiring an experienced eye to ascertain the exact progress that has been achieved, I believe the team could use a spark of encouragement as well."

I knew what he was getting at, but I always hate whenever the topic comes up, so I played dumb.

"Great, then send Rona or Vi. Heck, even Kennedy should be able to…"

"Buffy, you know very well that a visit from you will completely thrill and reinvigorate the other girls."

"Yeah, but I…"

"You are the Slayer, no matter how uncomfortable that makes you at times. Yes, of course I can send someone else, but they wouldn't be nearly as effective, now would they?"

I didn't answer him. He knew he'd won and I always hate that too.

"Please think it over and let me know first thing in the morning what you've decided. If you choose not to go, I shall…"

"You shall make that 'disappointed in me' face and I'll end up going anyway?"

"I've no idea what you're on about, and yes, that is exactly what will occur."

I could see the amusement and affection in his eyes, but I took a sip of his tea anyway just because I know how much it irritates him. It didn't exactly make us even, but it did make me feel a little bit better. Besides, time away by myself didn't really sound all that bad when I thought about it.

"Fine, I'll go, but no teleporting. I've done way too much of that lately."

"Of course your method of transportation is entirely up to you."

I decided to drive myself there, then braced for the many unfair and not at all true comments that I'm always forced to put up with. Yes, I drove like a "spaz" when I was a teenager, but in the intervening years, I've managed to master the not all that hard skill of driving a car. Now the skill of not killing your baby sister when she presents you with an updated "Last Will and Testament" to sign before you leave? I'm completely hit or miss on that one…although that could change if she'd just quit dodging so much.

When I told Faith I was going to be gone for a few days, she asked if I wanted company. She stood there all happy and excited until I told her that no, I wanted and needed the time away. She dimmed a little bit, but not really all that much considering I didn't exactly say it as nicely as I could have. But that's one of the craziest things about what's going on between us now: no matter what I do, Faith is the happiest I've ever seen her.

She keeps acting like everything's great, which given how bitchy and unpredictable I've been, seemed to me like nothing but stupid until I asked her about it:

"Yeah, sure it's not the best right now, but that's not gonna last forever. And no matter how long it goes, I just love being around you, B."

Said with nothing but honesty, her heart on her sleeve, and although comments like that always make the love I feel for her skyrocket, they also make me mad. Because damn her for messing everything up, damn her for making me doubt her, and damn her for turning me into a fool with no pride who just wants to love her…no matter what.

We started officially living together again a few months ago, but things are still way over on the tense side. Faith deployed…depressed…she mashed down really hard on the biggest of the "Bad Buffy" buttons, and I'm finding it really hard to get past it. I don't handle desertion from anyone very well, and obviously least of all from Faith.

Every unattractive thing in me has been rearing its ugly head way more often than either of us would like, and I just can't seem to stop it. I know she's sorry, I know she wishes she could take it back, and I know she's doing everything she can to make it up to me. It's crystal clear that she loves me and it's also crystal clear that I'm still wildly in love with her, but I'm also still hurt and angry enough to sometimes wish I didn't feel that way. I look at her and all I can see is a bright red "Danger!" sign blinking on and off over her head.

I know a big part of me is being unfair. After all she did come back, which no one's ever done before, and why I keep acting like that doesn't matter when it obviously does, is a mystery to me. Of course it's not all bad between us. She can still draw me to her with just a smile or wriggle her eyebrows and make me laugh. When she dances around in the kitchen, then walks over to me, I still drool because I can't wait to hold onto those perfect hips. She snuggles up to me in bed at the end of the day and it still feels like everything is right where it should be.

Her hands touch me like they were made to and I know there's nothing in the world that will ever feel better, but then I get mad – at her, myself, the world, love, whatever, and I shut down just as fast as I can. I get mean, say things I shouldn't say, ignore her, point out her faults, just become a bitch shrew from Hell, and what does Faith do? She listens, she apologizes, she says she understands, and then she promises me that she won't ever leave me again. If I go too far, she'll say something back, but not in anger, just to point out in a nice way how awful I'm being. And through all of it, Faith stays calm.

Always calm, always loving, always considerate, and sometimes I just want to punch her right in the face for it. She makes me feel like a stupid little kid having a temper tantrum, like she's not the one at fault, like she's not the screw up who screwed everything up. I yell at her, I push her, and Faith just takes it and stays so happy it's like she's on drugs.

Everyone's noticed, how could they not? She's lighter, more settled, downright cheerful, and I know it's not a passing thing. She's explained it to me and I couldn't be happier for her. Her past is just the past now, she's all focused on the present and the future, and that's exactly what I've always wanted for her. Faith is fine – it's all systems go, full speed ahead, and let's let bygones be way, way gone. Wicked gone would probably be best.

Yes, right, absolutely, for sure. Let's just forget how you wiped your feet all over my heart after you tore it out of my chest and tossed it aside. I'll just brush it off and plump it up again even though it's all squished into a bloody…Okay, heart analogies are just gross and they never work out when I'm involved.

The short explanation is that I'm glad she's back and that she's more than okay. I'm deliriously happy that she's had such a huge and wonderful breakthrough, that the monsters from her past no longer have such a hold on her. It makes me feel joyful, like maybe once in a while good things actually do happen to good people, and it makes me want to hold her hands in mine and twirl us both around in a circle until we're so dizzy we fall down. Preferably one on top of the other.

I want to tell everybody in her past that they didn't win, they didn't destroy her. I want to tell them how good and strong and brave Faith is, how she fought so hard to be the wonderful person she is. I want to tell each and every one of them that they'll never be even half as good as her, and I want to kiss her until her breath is gone and her dimples are so deep I could get lost in them. I want us to live our lives together all happy and safe, and I still want to beat the woman who gave birth to Faith to within an inch of her life…or just as close as I can take her.

All of that's how I truly feel and yet I can't seem to remember how to be nice to Faith, at least not on a consistent or even semi-regular basis. I promise myself it will be different and I manage to hang on for a while, then I'll say something mean and hate myself for talking to her that way. She'll usually just let it go, but sometimes she insists we talk about it. I'm not sure what good that does her because I usually lose it at those times and she's out on the couch for the night or it's like the Arctic in our bedroom, cute penguins and fuzzy polar bears not included.

My behavior doesn't make a lot of sense to me, so that's why I figured the trip could actually be a good thing. It was a chance to get away for a while and just be by myself, even though I'd be surrounded by fifteen other Slayers. But the key thing was none of them knew me, at least not enough to ask me every ten seconds how things were going or how I was doing, and there definitely wouldn't be any beautiful brown eyes watching me patiently for signs of…well, for signs of anything, I guess.

So just like that I was off, not a care in the world. The traffic was light and the sun was shining in a blue sky with white puffy clouds floating past. I put the top down, turned the radio up loud, and then took my time moseying down the highway. About an hour into it I could feel the stress and tension easing off, and I happily sang my way into the Windy City with a song in my heart because I was in the best mood in forever.

After signing autographs…okay, that's an exaggeration, but not by much, I took the girls out to their favorite restaurant. The salad was delicious as were the subs, and Faith would have insisted we move in so we could do the place justice:

"One meal ain't gonna cut it, B. Pack a bag 'cause we gotta stay awhile."

Once the company credit card had stopped smoking, we went back to the secret Slayer home away from home and got down to business.

Kanesha was in charge, which was nothing but a good thing. I'd trained her myself, recommended her for the job, and I wasn't the least bit surprised to find that she had everything and everyone working like a finely honed scythe. As she laid everything out for me concisely and yet somehow thoroughly at the same time, I was all kinds of impressed. Things couldn't have been going better.

"You're doing a great job, Kanesha."

She sat up straighter, no easy feat since she was already imitating a ruler, and gave me a big smile, something she rarely did whenever anyone else was around. Kanesha was all business when it came to slaying and everything else, and she didn't exactly like to show her softer side.

"Thank you. I really appreciate that, Ms. Summers."

"Buffy."

"…Do I have to?"

"Yes, you have to."

"Fine, Buffy, but I should get big points for not doing a curtsey whenever you walk into the room."

"Hey, I never said you had to stop curtseying!"

We both laughed and she finally relaxed. We gossiped for a little bit about what was going on back home, and then Kanesha filled me in on the latest plans and various strategies. The vamp gang we were trying to shut down had made "quite an extensive series of inroads into the surrounding community" and it wasn't an easy thing to cut off all of their various connections. The girls had done a remarkable job of it though, and there was only about a third of the organization left to worry about.

"So what's your best estimate?"

"I'd say two, maybe three more weeks before they're completely out of the picture."

"That sounds good. I thought I'd hang around for a few days and spy on you, but since you've got everything running so smoothly, maybe I'll just make this a mini vacation instead."

"That'd be great! Everybody's going be so excited to get a chance to work in the field with you."

I gave her my best horrified look:

"Who said anything about working? 'Vacation' means tanning by the pool, napping, then eating and drinking things that are completely bad for me."

"Plenty of that to find in Chicago. Besides, it's not like I'm expecting any trouble."

She said it before I could stop her, and I guess no matter how thoroughly you train someone, well, nobody's perfect. And I mean her, not me, because there is no way in the world I didn't mention the dangers of "self-jinxing" to her. What that means is what happened over the next week was all on Kanesha, my conscience is nothing but clear.

The vamps hit us hard the very next night and it was a pretty tough week. They were clearly not as thrilled by our success as we were, and they decided to bring the fight to us. Kanesha handled it just right. She made the necessary adjustments, asked for my input, but maintained her confidence and position as Team Leader. We ended up winning without losing anybody, always a huge plus, and the timetable leapt ahead several days which made everybody on our side deliriously happy.

It was a good week – dangerous and scary, but fun in a lot of ways too. It was also really nice to see Kanesha come into her own. She was definitely someone we could count on now and in the future, and I couldn't wait to give Giles my glowing report. Of course there was also another reason I couldn't wait to get back home, but there's something to be said for a life or death battle to help keep a Slayer too busy to miss what she's missing.

Besides, it wasn't like we weren't speaking every single day. After Kanesha did her best to get us all killed, Faith began chomping at the bit to make an appearance. I reassured her that reinforcements weren't necessary, and when that didn't work, I just flat-out refused to let her come.

"We don't need any back-up, Faith."

"How's it gonna hurt? Can always use some more help."

"I don't want Kanesha thinking I'm doubting her ability to handle this."

"Then let her think it's me sayin' she sucks."

I knew she was worried and that it was hard to sit on the sidelines when a fight was going on, but that was the situation we were in. Besides, her help really wasn't needed.

"Just stay put. We're doing fine."

"Yeah, but B, I just think…"

"Are you going to make me say it?"

She went quiet then, she knew what I was getting at.

"Faith, we can handle this. And I really need the time away, okay? If you come here, well, that's not going to help."

"…But I just don't want you in over your head and not lettin’ me help ‘cause of personal shit."

"And when have I ever let the personal interfere with the job?"

"Yeah, okay, but I want the word the second it goes to shit."

"I promise, you'll be my first teleport call. Now stop worrying, I'm fine."

Even though she wasn't happy, she let it go after making me promise to check in with her every day, which I've faithfully done…and yes, Faith ran that right into the ground.

When the dust had finally settled and the crisis was over, I decided to take a couple of days just to wind down before I headed back. They say the best laid plans involve mice in some way, which might explain why they never work out very well. I mean, who puts their faith… their trust in rodents? Still I walked out to the pool with great optimism, my mind full of nothing except thoughts of tanning and dozing.

Twenty minutes on my chair in the direct sunlight explained to me just how hot it was outside, and trust me, when a California sun worshipper thinks it's too hot, it is. I made it another six minutes before I had to jump for my life into the deep end. It wasn't a cannonball, but it wasn't a dive either. Whatever it was, it got the job done and I was absolutely marrying the cool water that surrounded me.

My feet brushed the bottom of the pool, but I just sort of hovered where I was. It felt so good, but eventually my air ran out and I pushed off and propelled myself upward, watching as the light rushed closer. By the time I broke the surface, it was game on. She was right there, the years rolling away in my mind to take me back to when we were just kids and had everything to win and everything to lose.

I tried as hard as I could to stop thinking about her, hoisting myself clear and sprawling back on my lounge chair, magazine in hand. It didn't work. Even as I turned the pages I knew I wasn't paying any attention, not to anything that was poolside anyway. It was like the water had opened me up somehow and there was no way to close back off.

God, was it really possible that we were ever that young? I guess age wise we were, but Faith and I have never really been all that young when it comes right down to it. At least not by the time we met. Too much responsibility, too much pain, too much passion that neither of us had the first clue how to handle, it all prevented us from ever being just kids.

I can see us so clearly, patrolling Sunnydale side by side while love tried its best to spark and catch. I can still smell the night air, the scent of the wet grass caused by the nighttime sprinklers as our footsteps fell so easily into sync with one another. We were The Slayers out on patrol, but we were also two girls wondering at the emotion that sung out between us as we walked the town trying to do a woman's job.

We were better in those days, but of course we were so much worse too. I guess the most incredible thing is that when it comes right down to it, we're really still just the same despite all of the changes. Sure, she's no longer insane and I'm no longer trying to understand how to fit inside my own destiny, but the core of us, the things that make us Buffy and Faith, those are still exactly what they always were. Nothing's all that different…except everything is.

No matter how we've changed, I can still recognize us. I see how we've gained some things and lost some others, and I suppose that's really no different than it is for anyone who grows into adulthood. But Faith and I, we did our growing up in a pressure cooker of life and death, and there's no way that's not so much harder than the regular way. We screwed up so many things back in the day, but we still managed to get a few right too, and those are the things that seem the most in focus to me.

When I look back now I just see Faith – smiling, flirting, dancing, slaying, and walking so cocky it's like she owns the place. I know that's not the full story, not even the tip of the iceberg, but the rest of it is so faded, smudged almost beyond recognition because none of it matters anymore. Maybe it never really did.

She's Faith, she's always been Faith just like I've always been Buffy, and our sins and good deeds, our blessings and our curses are all tangled up now. They've blended together, woven tightly to some invisible connection, falling away, yet still attached as they leave us here to carry on. And that's exactly what we've done even though it hasn't been easy.

My whole afternoon went that way, deep thoughts messing up my fun even as I kept trying to ignore them, and I was relieved when I could finally go in without arousing suspicion. I showered and got ready for dinner, then settled down for a quiet evening watching movies with the other Slayers not on duty. I couldn’t concentrate so I decided instead to turn in early and catch up on my sleep, but the night wasn't exactly onboard with that plan. I fought hard, but by nine thirty my bags were packed and I left a note on Kanesha's amazingly organized desk.

The drive back was much different than my "Buffy Rides to the Rescue" journey had been. This time it rained, not a horrible, "pull over to the side of the road" rain, but a steady enough one that kept my wipers busy the entire trip. The radio wasn't even pretending to brighten things up, there was just one sad song after the other no matter what channel I tried, and the traffic wasn't just light, it was practically non-existent. It all added up to the emptiest, most lonely road I've ever been on, and my thoughts weren't what anyone could call the cheeriest of travel companions.

They insisted on taking me right to Faith, or I guess it'd be more accurate to say my thoughts kept taking me right to myself in relation to Faith. And how we fit together, but not like that…although just like that too.

It's never been easy for us, and the more I think about it now, the more I'm wondering why that suddenly seems to matter to me when it never did before. I mean, this is Faith I'm dealing with and I'm Buffy, and when you factor in that life is hard and love is complicated for everyone, let alone two Slayers, well what else could I possibly expect? When did I decide I had to start keeping score?

She's not perfect, neither am I. We make mistakes, we say and do the wrong things, but sometimes we get it right too and our life together moves on, taking us with it. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to let myself love her. I knew what her struggles were and how they could unfold, and I chose to risk it because she's Faith. She's who I want, who I need, and with her is where I belong. It's my place, maybe by destiny or maybe it's just my luck, but either way it's where I want to be.

Yes she hurt me, but I know she didn't set out to. I knew that about her the very first time she held me after we made love, when she kissed me and sighed like she was finally safe. I know she's sorry, I know it's just that life is hard and love is something that has to shift and bend and learn how to live in the real world.

It's just one day after the other, and some are good, some are bad, some are a nightmare, but others…Well, others are so perfect and beautiful you just want to float along with them forever. If you're lucky, time marches on and those days add up into the kind of love that Faith and I share, a love that seems like the one true constant in this world. A love that's just us.

Somewhere along the way, I'd lost the theme, the path, the meaning, the whatever it's called. It's the very thing I can't afford to lose, not ever, and certainly not when it comes to Faith. My care, my tenderness, the kindness and understanding that love requires, I can't let go of that, not if I want us to survive.

I'm not a saint, I can't just let everything go and never feel hurt, but I'm not kidding anyone here, not even me. The pain from this latest go-around started fading into the background the second I heard her voice at the club: nervous and scared, sorry and sad, but happy and there. She was there, and I wasn't prepared for that.

No one's ever come back. Once they're gone it's more of a "don't let the door hit you on the way out" kind of thing. I never see them again, not unless they're Riley all complete with a great, new shiny wife and needing a favor, or Angel just being Angel and doing his job during an apocalypse. But this time someone came back for me, and when I finally let my eyes look into hers, I could see everything.

There was nothing but love staring at me and I couldn't stop my happiness from spilling all over her. Just the sheer delight of seeing her, of feeling her again, it was everything to me. Faith had come back and I couldn't do anything but welcome her home.

But after that initial happiness, I began to get scared and I let myself forget who and what she is. I forgot her beauty, her strength, her gentleness, her burning desire to do the right thing, and I forgot her endless love for me. I guess what I really forgot was how to be in love.

I was crushed, still in survival mode, and I didn't understand all I needed to do was stand back up, take her hand, and move forward. She'd faced her demons and she was new and improved, which who could even imagine that she could ever be a better Faith? But she is, and I can see it.

The sadness that's always surrounded her is gone, the exhaustion from carrying her past with her everywhere she goes is nowhere to be seen. She's filled with energy, practically bouncing when she walks. Her face looks younger, she no longer seems like a battle scarred soldier begging for a place to rest.

She's Faith in all her glory, and the thing that remains the same is her love for me. It's right there on full display every time she looks at me, touches me. She stands there and lets me vent, she holds me close when I'll let her, she makes love to me just like I need her to, and she waits for me with nothing but faith. And I mean that in every possible way.

"I'm yours, B. Always."

Yes, she broke my heart, but no. I can feel it now and my heart's not broken. It turns out it's just been a little scuffed up is all. I'm not a wimp and my heart isn't either. We're both a lot stronger than I was giving us credit for, and now that I've decided to stop trying to make myself feel like my stupid pride says I'm supposed to, I can see that this latest pain has already fallen away. It's gone, linking itself onto the chain that makes up our history, another bump in the road that we managed to drive right over.

I know there are more bumps waiting for us, that's just our way, but what does it matter in the long run? We love each other, we'll pull us through and we'll keep coming back stronger than we were before because that's just our way too. As Faith would say, it's all part of the package.

Okay, what she'd really say is:

"Even fucked up, we got us a wicked fine package, B."

Yes we do. In fact, they don't make them any wicked finer.

The rain's still coming down, the wipers are still doing their job, and the radio still sucks, but I couldn't care less. I'm already humming to myself, and it feels like I've finally woken up after a long and not so peaceful sleep. My skin is tingling, my heart is pumping, and the world looks so much brighter even though it's completely black outside.

All I want now is to get home. I have so much I need to say to her, so many things I've figured out, but first I just want to feel her in my arms while I look into her eyes and tell her that I remember.

I remember her, us, and most of all?

I remember how to be Buffy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Play it as it Lays by Patti Scialfa

Sad song on the radio

Echoes down this empty road here tonight

With a lost melody and a lonely rhyme

Of windshield wipers slapping time, you know the one

Well it woke up something that was sleeping below my skin

I wanted to tell you so much, but where do I start, where do I begin

Do I start with how I lost my kindness and how I found it once again

And I’m gonna play it as it lays

Play it as it lays

Every perfect picture hides a mess or two

Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s you, but that’s all right

You surrender, you confess, you make amends

You get undressed and call it a night

But I remember the first time that I laid down inside your arms

How I kissed your tired mouth, so full of grace, so empty of harm

And how I knew the road ahead would unravel itself cursed and charmed

And I would just play it as it lays

Play it as it lays, play it as it lays

Say a prayer for the brokenhearted

Get back up and get it started again

Say a prayer for the brokenhearted

Say a prayer for love

Years go by, you add them up

Some days are holy, some days are rough, but that’s all right

It’s a used up line, you know it’s true

I never loved anyone the way that I love you

Yesterday I walked down the streets we walked when we were young

Tried to pull a thread between who we once were and who we’ve become

And if we lost a little along the way, that’s all right, what’s done is done

And I’m just gonna play it as it lays

Oh, play it as it lays, I’m just gonna play it as it lays

Oh, play it as it lays…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Eleven

This Moment

The rain's coming down pretty good now, I can hear it hitting on the windows. The lamp from the front room's still on, the light making its way into the bedroom just barely. It's shining perfect, not like in a way that makes me wanna get up and turn it off, but nice and cozy and giving off just enough juice to let me look all I wanna at B. And man, oh man, is it ever a sight.

She's sleeping flat on her back, wiped out by the last week and by what we just did, but I'm still wide awake and taking her in. I've got her covered up to the waist now, and yeah, I oughta be asleep with her in my arms, but I don't think anybody'd blame me for needing to keep taking a look. B would understand too, plus she'd dig it even if she told me to stop it and go to sleep.

I'm in the catbird's seat, laying on my side with my head propped up on my hand, leaving one whole arm free to check out her perfect body. So soft and smooth with all of this strength and power sitting right below the surface. Her stomach's flat with just the tiniest hint of abs, and when I run my fingers real delicate over it, those babies pop in and outta sight like nobody's business. Her tits are just right, almost on the small side maybe, but with more than enough to keep my hands busy. And her nipples…I kiss one real gentle and she moves a little, but doesn't wake up.

Her face is fucking off the charts beautiful when she's awake, but even sleeping I could just lay here and take her in forever. Her forehead's got just the right space between her hair and her eyebrows, and I have to run a finger over them because they're right above my favorite physical thing about her: her eyes. Even closed they're beauties, and I can still see’em. I think I always will, even when I'm dead.

Green with little gold flecks of the sun flashing in them and lighting them up. They see everything, show everything, and they're always changing. When she's mad they go darker, a buncha brown popping out to mix in with the green, unless she's super pissed. Then they get even greener, like dry ice if it had a color, and that's when you'd better look out. Most times though they're like the ocean on a warm day, all peaceful and clear and making you wanna dive right in, 'specially when they stare at me with so much lust it's like they're brewing up a hurricane.

Buffy's eyes are without a doubt, the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Nothing else is even close, so I kiss her, right between'em and this time she makes more noise, like a happy sigh with my name coming out despite the fact that she's still sound asleep:

"Mmmm…Faith…"

That makes me smile huge because people only sound like that when they're in love and wicked happy about it. My finger traces barely there alongside her nose, which is a fucking awesome nose. It's strong and straight, then there's the cutest, quirkiest little tip. It's so B: tough, proud, determined, but with a piece of goofy, silly girl right on display. I love her nose almost as much as her eyes, plus it leads you right to her mouth.

Her mouth…Holy fucking hell, just looking at it makes me wanna do all kindsa stuff to her. But I just did all of that and she's bushed…I gotta laugh at that turn of phrase…The point is I don't wanna wake her up 'cause she's beat, so I can wait. But damn, do I ever want her so bad again.

No matter what she's doin’, she's got the sexiest lips ever. Smiling, laughing, kissing, smart assing a vamp, yelling, eating, blowing on her food to cool it off, saying something shitty to me, licking them, sucking on a straw, falling open a little as she sleeps...her lips are something that oughta be worshipped at least a thousand times a day, up close and personal, leastways when it comes to me.

She loves when she catches me staring at'em, and of course it happens a lot. She knows I'm picturing them on me or maybe hearing the sounds they make when mine are on her someplace nobody else gets to go. She always does this smile that drives me crazy, which makes her smile even more, which gets me even more wound up, and on and on until it never fucking ends until we're fucking. I love the feeling of them moving against mine, our tongues meeting and our breath getting so mixed up I can't tell whose is whose…I love that.

Her lips are always soft and careful, all light and gentle unless they're not. Then they're hard and wild, heavy and rough, and she just takes from me exactly what she wants and what I always wanna give her. Buffy kisses like…like…She kisses like Buffy, is the only way to explain it, and that's just how I like and need it. Soft, hard, nice, mean, gentle, rough, she gets it right every single time.

I lean over her a little and just let my lips brush hers, hardly there so she probably can't even feel it, but she smiles anyway and rolls over onto her side. Her arm crosses over my hip and she snuggles up against me, doing this little snoring thing into my chest that she swears she doesn't do. It's not like a truck driver sawin' logs or anything, it's small, quiet, and I don't know exactly what you'd call it. Guess you could say B snores like The Slayer.

I pull the covers up over us both, wrap my arm around her, and settle down to the best feeling in the world. It's pouring outside, we're safe and dry with no place to be except together, and the stupid shit I put between us is gone. I made us live with it for way too long, but now it's just me and B. I feel like I'm on top of the world…Fuck that. I feel like I own the moon and the stars, the whole fuckin’ universe, and I never saw it coming. Least not tonight.

The rain showed up early in the day, kind of a drizzle on and off until right at sunset when it started coming down pretty good. I usually love when it rains and I don't have to go anyplace. All the inside lights seem to glow soft and homey, even in a dive if you pretend, the sounds outside are muffled and you can hear the tires slicking through the water on the road. If you got a city view, the traffic lights shine like Christmas on the street, and if you got a "Buffy" view, everything looks perfect in a way you never used to know was possible.

But I didn't have a "Buffy" view, not for like a million days. And yeah, technically it'd only been maybe nine days, sixteen hours, and four minutes, but it seemed a lot fucking longer. Still, I was keeping shit in perspective because so what that B wanted some time away. Even when things are going good, people like to take a break sometimes. Anybody can get sick of each other once in a while, so I wasn't gonna get all worked up and paranoid about it. There was no sense giving that shit a foothold, 'specially when I knew better.

I just missed her was all, even if she took off because she couldn't stand the sight of me. I know what that's like, used to happen to me a lot, but I didn't exactly have any time to dwell on it. I was way too busy sittin’ in her spot at the window seat staring out at nothing. It made me feel closer to her, and I could even see out in spite of the rain, thanks to the tree right outside running interference.

But man, did that fucker ever look weird. A buncha branches looked like somebody just whacked'em off without makin’ it any shape at all. I oughta talk to Giles about it 'cause it's kinda an eyesore now and I know B really loved watching the branches blow around in the breeze. Whoever the dipshit is who fucked it up for her, well they better do somethin’ to fix it and that better be possible somehow. Maybe Willow can work some magic or Xander can build some fake pieces. Maybe all of those options.

After a while the rain eased off, but it was still falling steady. That was a good thing for me to remember because making up, getting back into B's good graces, straightening out a major fuck up, it was hard work and you had to hold steady and just keep at it. There's no shortcuts, no half assed attempts, you just gotta give it your all and hold steady, which I was doing and was gonna keep doing for as long as I had to.

This is my life, it's where I belong, and if it took forever to get shit square, that'd be just fine with me. 'Sides, B's been nothing but great and I was way ahead of where I oughta be by now. Even though she's still upset, we're still doing things together – making love, slaying, eating, sleeping, all the normal stuff people do. I knew how lucky I was, so I just kept my mouth shut and worked hard at making it right between us.

Buffy took off for a lotta reasons and I was hoping one of them would be that maybe, just maybe she'd start feeling a little better. I could see how she was fighting to get back to me, how it was wearing her out, and I wanted to do something to make it easier for her. But wishes ain't horses and I wasn't riding shit because no matter how much I wanted it to be otherwise, that part of it was B's battle to win or lose, not mine. I couldn't do anything except be there for her however she needed.

I wasn't happy with her being gone, but I understood. It just didn't stop me from missing her every second of every day, and it wasn't long before the sitch got way worse. First I had to just sit here while she got into some big vamp smackdown, then I had to sit here some more while it went on for a whole fucking week. All I could do was wait for the daily update on pins and needles, which is what I did.

She called regular like she promised she would, which wasn't exactly a surprise. B always follows through, and her word's like gold and always has been. And it was those calls, plus her threatening to outright say she didn't want me there, that kept me staying put 'stead of teleporting and puking my way right to her side. She told me they had it, so they had it, but fuck…I hate being separated at the best of times, let alone when I know she's under attack.

Anyway, it all worked out and B called to give me the heads up she was gonna stay a few extra days to wind down. I wanted to tell her that sucked, that I was dying for her to come home, but that didn't exactly seem fair. She needed time and it wasn't like I couldn't understand why, so I told her to have a good stay while I tried to sound happy about it:

"Seems like just the thing for ya, B. Have fun and get some rest, I'll hold down the fort."

"Thanks. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Bye."

I hung up and kept right on missing her, but I went ahead with doing the shit I needed to do to get through my day. When I got home I tried to relax, but I was way too restless to stick with any one thing, which is what led me to plant my ass on her favorite spot. Funny how the heebie jeebies left me alone once I got settled down there. I guess my body knew it was as close as it was gonna get.

I got no clue how many hours I was sitting there before I heard a key getting turned in the lock. It surprised me because nobody but me, Red, Giles, and B have one, and I was already on my feet and moving fast to see who it was. I went through the list rapid fire: could only be Giles if we were under attack, which I was pretty sure we weren't, and Red would only use hers if I was under a suicide watch, which I wasn't. That meant it had to be Buffy, and I was already grinning like a moron at the thought of seeing her in just two seconds time.

The door swung open and there she was. She was being quiet; I guess since it was late and there were no lights on, she thought I was asleep. I stood still back in the shadows just enjoying the view and watching the hallway light shining all excited over her. She looked so good I kinda stopped breathing.

Her hair was a little wet, her clothes too, and the fast look I got at her eyes when she turned to put her bags down…Seriously, there is nobody hotter than B. Not anywhere, not at any time. I just stood there staring like I'd never see enough, so freakin' happy she was home. I knew she was gonna see me in a second when her Slayer sight kicked in and her eyes got adjusted, but I still didn't say a word.

She shut the door and put us in the dark, but it only took like two seconds before she was looking straight at me.

"Hiya, B."

She didn't say shit, just walked towards me really fast, her face all serious. Before I could figure out what the deal was, my head was in her hands and her lips were on mine. I grabbed onto her and pulled her closer because, well because everything seemed to point to that as being my move.

All I could think about was how much I'd missed her, how good she smelled and tasted, how perfect she felt, and how much I loved her. She tried to pull back, but I didn't want that. I held her a little tighter, not really caring if she maybe got pissed, and I picked up the kiss from right where she'd tried to leave off. She went with it, letting me haul her closer, her lips matching mine and her tongue back in my mouth where it belonged.

It went on a while before she pulled back again, and this time I gave her a little slack, but not all the way. It was pretty obvious that she was just as turned on as I was, and I wanted to see how far a tag team horny was gonna take us.

"Faith…"

I felt like I could explode just from hearing her say my name like that, but I kept it together. Her hands dropped down to my shoulders, although they slid there slow enough that every inch of me felt like it was burning where she'd touched. I wanted to start up with the kissing again, but before I could move, I got a good look at her eyes and saw she was trying not to cry.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

She didn't answer, but her eyes got too full and some tears spilled out. I wiped some off her cheeks, my eyes searching hers for an answer:

"Buffy, what's…"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

"The way I've been treating you, how hard I've made this."

I started to laugh a little. Not like a crazy person, but more like a confused as fuck one.

"Baby, what are you talking about?"

She pulled my head down and kissed me – fast, but so damn sweet.

"I've been so mean to you and I…"

I reached over to the table and popped the lamp on so we could see each other clear. We both winced a little before we got used to the light.

"Whoa, hold up. You haven't been mean to me. Fact, I can't even believe you've been so great about everythi…"

She kissed me again, then tried to explain:

"I just got scared, you know? Because it was so easy for me to forgive you, and I felt like I was being one of those women who let people run all over them and…"

I started laughing, a lot harder this time. She stood there doing that smiling along thing you gotta do when somebody else is going mental and you got no clue what's so funny. I finally got hold of myself, at least enough to talk in an understandable way.

"B, nobody in no way would ever think you'd let somebody run over you. You'd be handin’ them their ass and just about every other part of them if they tried. And that includes me, times like fifty."

She smiled more real, but she still needed to explain:

"I was so happy when you came home, but I was still so mad too. I kept thinking it shouldn't be that easy to get over everything, and what kind of idiot did it make me that it was? You could just decide to leave again at any time and then what was I supposed to do? So every time we went forward, I just felt like I had to shut down any way I could."

"I get it. I mean, nobody shuts down better than I do, right? Gotta protect yourself sometimes, leastways that's how it feels. And I fucked up bad, B, and I hurt you. Must seem like you can't trust me, and that's just normal. It's gonna take time and that's my fault, not yours. Don't take the blame for any of this shit, it's on me and I'm gonna fix it, I promise."

She took my hands and put them around her waist.

"You have fixed it, Faith. You fixed it by coming home and giving me time. God, I've been so busy trying to make myself forget who you are…but I remember now."

She looked so beautiful, her eyes warm and filled with so much love it made my heart speed up.

"You're the person who makes me happier than I've ever been, you're the love of my life. I need you, Faith, I'm always going to need you. All I want is to make you happy, to show you how much I love you, and I'm sorry it took me so long to remember that."

I smiled and started to correct her again, but Buffy wasn't having any of that.

"No, let me say this. Yes, you screwed up and yes, you hurt me, but it doesn't matter. You faced up to so many things for you, for us, and I don't know how you did it, but it's the bravest thing anyone's ever done. I'm so proud of you, and all that matters to me is that you're okay and you're home. I don't give a damn how we got here, Faith, I just want to love you."

I felt some tears rolling down my face as I kissed her, but I didn't give a shit. My girl was back and she loved me, and we were gonna be okay. I picked her up as we kissed, her legs wrapping around me as I stumbled blind to our bed. We hit together and the rest is just a blur of skin and breath and tongues and lips and words making it clear who we are and who we were gonna be.

We made love a long time and I wanted to do it forever. Just me and B, in synch, each of us breathing in and out for the other, touching just right, making each other feel everything, but even Slayer stamina can only take you so far. B fell asleep while we were kissing, her mouth sorta falling off mine in slo-mo.

"Faith…so good…"

"Yeah, it is. Just go to sleep now."

"…No…wanna be with……you…"

"Nobody's goin' anyplace. I'll be here when you wake up."

She smiled and stopped fighting it:

"Love you."

I kissed her and she kissed me for a sec before she went under. Me? Well I hadn't been fighting for my life for a week on just two hours sleep a day. I was jazzed. B was back, and not just back, but back for real and all the way. She'd thought things through and even though I don't quite get how, she's already forgiven me and is willing to admit it. It's crazy, but true, and I'm not looking it in the mouth or anyplace else. I'm just goin' with it.

Buffy's just so fucking great. She’s the nicest person I've ever known, the strongest too, and she loves me. You put all that stuff together and you get cut the huge break I got cut. My girl is the best, the most beautiful person in the world, plus she's also the Slayer. No mystery at all why they wanted her up in Heaven way too early.

The rain's still coming down, even sounds like it's picking up again, and I hope Kennedy had the sense to just call patrol. What am I saying? Kennedy doesn't have the sense to call 911 unless you spot her the first two numbers. She for sure had her girls sloshin' all over the place, not a bad guy in sight 'cause they got the brains to stay home and watch TV, play poker, eat kittens, what the fuck ever the bastards do.

B moves, which is great 'cause it puts her all over me even more. I roll all the way onto my back and she comes right with me…and yes she did, at least twice. She's so soft, smooth, and warm they oughta make blankets outta her…which is gross and kinda creepy and I'm gonna forget I thought about it. But damn, she just feels so good and it's…uh…She suddenly feels even better because her mouth is now on my tit and…uh…her breath is coming out…which is something I'm enjoyin’ the fuck outta, but I'm also trying to stay in control because she needs…she needs rest and…uh…

"Faith…"

She's still sleeping, so I shift a little to get my nipple someplace safe and it works in a coupla ways. First: my nipple's outta range. Second: it made her move again and now she's half layin’ on me, her face smashed into my neck, her breast up against mine in places. I wrap my arms around her because I want her to stay right where she is as long as she stays still and stops squirming.

I just lay here grinning while I watch the water sliding down the window, my hand rubbing against the silk Buffy calls skin, and my heart threatening to fly outta my chest. I'm so happy, it's past any words I got. All I know is I wanna spend the rest of my life right here, just me and her all wrapped together forever. Seems wicked possible to me, but that's not how it's gonna go and I'm okay with that too.

There's gonna be plenty of times just like this for the whole rest of our lives, and in between we're gonna slay, eat, watch TV, argue, hold hands, let the waves roll in and out on our beach vacations, hang with our friends, piss Giles off, read comics with Xander and fashion mags with Willow…yeah, we gotta have some different things…and we're gonna live our lives together for as long as we get to.

I'm gonna give her everything I've got and whatever else she wants. I'd even get her somethin' illegal 'cause even though I'm new and improved, well, c'mon, I'm still me. I got lotsa skills sittin' on the shady side, but it's a moot point 'cause B would never ask for anything like that. She's Buffy, and she doesn't even so much as shake hands with wrong. They call people like her "heroes" and there’s nothin’ about that that doesn't ring true when it comes to B.

So when I say I'm gonna get her things, I'm talking about normal stuff like how I'm gonna pick up the Hellmouth and carry it back to California for her so she can get outta the snow. I'm not sure yet how to do it, but I got ideas and I got Willow. Maybe she can plug it up all across the country until it finally blows open in a warm part of Cali. That'd be perfect.

'Til we get that figured, I can at least make sure Buffy's got a winter coat this year that's warm, not just pretty. Sometimes B doesn't seem to always make that connection. She stands there shivering and bitching about how cold it is, but then she'll go on and on about how stylin' she looks, what a great coat she's got. Yeah, if you dig'em bein’ made outta pretty paper.

I can also snuggle up with her and drink the hot chocolate that I add some good stuff to when she's not looking, then laugh as she gets tipsy and starts doing a strip tease. Her face all flushed, her eyes all green, her hair swirling around her as she looks more beautiful in the firelight than I've ever seen her before. She'll accuse me of getting her drunk, then smile and tell me I've been bad and she likes it. And yeah, I like it too.

Not that I need any specifics, I'm happy just hangin' loose and free. And I am…free. I can still feel the hurt in me, can still feel the anger and sadness, the confusion about why my childhood had to be so crappy, but it's way back there, not sittin’ front and center. That seat belongs to Buffy now, and I don't see her giving it up or getting shoved out ever again. I want her right there, always, and I don't give a fuck anymore about what went down years ago.

There's too much to do, too much hot blonde chick to love, too many bad guys to kill, and too much happiness to live in to keep goin’ over old crap. I don't know what my parents' deal was, I just know they sucked and messed me up. Probably nobody gave a shit about them either, so I get it and can feel for 'em, but hey, you don't gotta follow along and be an asshole your whole life. You can be the one who pulls away from that, the one who breaks loose and makes somethin’ of yourself. They didn't make it, but I did.

Just goes to show ya – it's never too late and nobody's gotta just stay who they were. It's not easy for sure, you gotta get help, but you can pull yourself right outta anything. Course I had B helping and that's the best kinda help you can…Fuck! Her knee just made itself at home and now she's sorta squirming around…slow and uh…Damn…

Normally I'd just wake her up and get busy, or I'd wake her up and have her get busy, but I know she's exhausted so…Shit…What the fuck kinda dream is she havin'? And it'd better be starring me and nobody else…unless she’s like twins.

Okay, gotta get my mind outta the gutter and show a little…Jesus Christ…the way she moves…but now’s not the time to be selfish, so I…Oh fuck me, is that a rhythm? I don't wanna move: not outta the bed and not with her either…But I'm not gonna make it much longer if she keeps…

"Just what does a girl have to do around here to start something?"

"You're awake?"

"Yes, I'm awake. What did you think I was doing? Trying to start something in my sleep?"

"Yeah, I mean, no…I was wondering …"

She slid right on top of me, her lips nibbling on my throat.

"Well, wonder no more."

"…Thought you were wiped."

"I got a second wind. Or a third or fourth one. Okay, I've lost track, but I now have a Slayer wind…and do not say it."

“Sure, I can cut ya a break.”

I brought my arms up around her, but Buffy sat up, straddling me and making my hands skim down to her butt. I like changes like that.

"I'm not sure you should be touching me, F. Weren't you just all about showing all kinds of restraint?"

"Yeah, but that's just when you’re passed out. Once you're alert, anything goes."

"Good, but right now, I'm in charge."

I don't even feel like arguing or trying to put up a front. I like when she gets bossy and takes charge of me. It's hot and a little scary in a good way. She starts moving back and forth and I help her. My hands are right on her ass, what else can I do? Her eyes close and she moans all low and drawn out.

"Mmmm…you feel so good."

"Yeah, you're rockin' it too, B."

She laughs and slips out of my grip, heading down the bed and me. I reach for her and haul her back up until we're level.

"I love you, Buffy."

She smiles kinda shy, but then she kisses me, hard and deep. When she comes up for air, her hand traces around my face, stopping to exam my dimples and run her thumb light across my lips.

"You are so beautiful, Faith…in every single way. I never, ever thought I could get so lucky."

My hands wrap in her hair, pulling her back into a kiss which is tougher than it oughta be because I just can't stop smiling. I'm floating, spinning, twirling, so fucking happy that it has to be seen to be believed. Buffy sees it and it makes her light up:

"We're so perfect together. We just fit, you know?"

I put a little sway in my hips:

"Yeah, we line up real nice."

With another smile, this one nowhere near shy, she works back down slowly, kissing and licking and sucking every inch of the way. By the time she's made herself at home, I'm shaking and groaning…I'm fucking burning on fire. She laughs all low and sexy and just a little bit mean when she sees how turned on I am, and then me and B drift away together, just like it oughta be.

Yep, let'em all wait – Buffy Summers is my girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Moment by Melissa Etheridge

I…I am watching you sleep

It’s the promise you made

What I find I can keep

Oh I…want to swallow the moon

Give a smile back to you

Lighting your way

Tell the angels they’ll just have to wait

‘Cause I wanna stay here in this moment

Can I quietly slip into you

You and I can stay here in this moment

Let the world fade away

I just wanna stay with you

I…I am watching you breathe

I am pulled into you

As you smash into me

Oh I…want to give you the stars

All that I can hold in my arms

Placing them where you lay

Tell the angels they’ll just have to wait

‘Cause I wanna stay here in this moment

Can I quietly slip into you

You and I can stay here in this moment

Let the world fade away

I just wanna stay with you

With my hand on your skin we can slowly begin…I am free

Now the heavens have less ‘cause I found the best

And I won’t let them take you away

Tell the angels they’ll just have to wait

I wanna stay here in this moment

Can I quietly slip into you

You and I can stay here in this moment

Let the world fade away

I wanna stay here in this moment

Make the Earth stand impossibly still

Disappear in your kiss, we’ll never be missed

Let the world fade away, I just wanna stay with you

With you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're the One

The day started off as nothing but fun. I was standing with Faith as we welcomed the newest crop of girls to Slayer Training 101, the place where they would learn the basics, the physical requirements of the job, and the skills they would need to use on a nightly basis to stay alive. The information imparted to them in this room couldn't be more important or more serious, which was why Faith and I always took every group's initial class. We explain it all to them in great detail, making it just as boring as we can because we know they're not listening anyway.

They're newbies, and while the faces change, the problems they bring with them always remain the same. By the time they get through Orientation to this, their first real class, they're all feeling pretty cocky. They're comfortable with their environment, they think they know way more than they do, they’re ridiculously overconfident in their abilities, and they're convinced that Faith and I are merely coasting on our past glories. We both love clearing things up for them on all counts.

As hard as it is to believe at this late date, we're still getting new girls all the time. Either we somehow missed them, the spell is still activating new Slayers – and that potentially confusing turn of events is totally Giles and Willow territory – or they just simply declined the pleasure of our company the first time we approached them. We don't force anyone to join us, we're not running a prison or a cult, not unless we have to. The force part, not the prison thing…mostly.

Occasionally a girl crosses the line, going from a rambunctious: "Cool, I've got super powers" to a dangerous "I can do whatever I want to" tragedy just waiting to happen. When it gets to that point, we have no other choice but to step in and pull them out of their lives, an airtight cover story in place if necessary. And boy, oh boy, does Willow ever love that part of it.

In fact, I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say it’s one of her most favorite things in life, and her cover stories are almost always crazy elaborate. Giles keeps explaining to her that sometimes less is more, but that concept is one she constantly struggles to understand in her private game of espionage:

“But Giles, being the world’s foremost Brazilian Banana Spider expert would be over the top. I said she’s just the ‘second’ most foremost, see the difference?”

No matter what the final story ends up being, they're brought here kicking and screaming, and most of them continue with that approach for at least a little while. We work with them using our staff of doctors and other Slayers to try to get through and when that doesn't work as well as we need it to, we deploy our very own "Crazy Slayer" to get the job done. Faith saunters right into their lives and flips them around, no failures allowed. She's a master at it, the very best, and she's never had even one girl slip through the cracks. Faith is like money in the bank, the rehab bank…if it had money in it instead of…rehabness. The point is – she gets the job done.

She also got the job done with this morning’s class, along with my expert help, of course. My take on why we work together so well in these situations is that I’m the better technical actress and Faith is more of a complete natural.

“Oh, so you’re sayin’ I’m a natural asshole then?”

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly put it that way, but you’re definitely the more annoying one between the two of us.”

It’s so hard to keep a straight face during those discussions, and I love how angry it makes her. She’ll try not to show it, but it won’t be long before she’s stomping all over the place, slamming cupboard doors, flinging kitchen drawers shut, flipping channels on the TV rapid fire, then suddenly she's grabbing and kissing the living crap out of me.

“Faith, what are you…”

“Gonna show you what else I’m a natural at.”

We then have some of the hottest sex ever had, and she is definitely a complete natural at that too. It’s a little bit scary how forceful she is, a little bit exciting how concerned she is with my pleasure, and way, way more than a little amazing that she can always come up with something new for us to do. The girl is a master at sex and I’m more than happy to be on the receiving end of her vast skills, although I have some excellent skills of my own when it comes to…

But back to the class. We fell into our routine, all serious and responsible with the teaching as we watched the eyes of our students glaze over with boredom. We carried on and then at right about the fifteen minute mark, Faith began making these little comments. It was obvious that she was getting on my nerves despite my very best efforts not to let her, and then things started to escalate. Just like in real life, it’s the smirk that finally gets me, and suddenly it was: “Slayers Gone Wild” in Room 118.

As Faith and I squared off and began going at it no holds barred, things changed. The secret note passing stopped dead in its tracks, nobody whispered back and forth to each other like they were in high school, and no one was zoned out or staring hopefully at the clock. Nope, that part of class was over. They were all much too busy staring open-mouthed at us beating the hell out of each other as only the Chosen Two can. We were using jumps, kicks, punches, and combos that they had never imagined were possible, and it suddenly became clear that none of them were even remotely in the same class as their instructors.

Faith wants to have shirts printed up that say:

“The Chosen Two: Not Too Choosy Whose Ass Gets Kicked”

But even without the shirts, it never takes long for the message to get through. It’s downright amazing what a surprise demonstration can do to change the attitude of every single girl in the room, plus there’s always the added bonus that Faith and I love sparring at full speed and beating the hell out of each other. Yep, putting the wannabes in their place is our absolute favorite thing to do at work.

When we finally stopped sparring, we resumed class to a much more receptive audience. They hung on our every word, stared at us in amazement, and that stunned hero worship let us get through everything we'd planned on as well as some extras too. By the end of our time together, there was nothing but a few awestruck whispers and last second looks as they left the room now ready to listen and learn. That meant they had a much better chance to live to a ripe old age while doing the most dangerous job a girl could ever do.

The second we were alone, Faith kicked the door shut and grabbed me:

"Little smart asses."

She kissed me, her tongue doing the things her tongue does, and it was no wonder that everyone was so awestruck by her.

"Wish we had us some more time…"

"Me too."

She kissed me again, one hand sliding just past the waistband at the back of my workout pants, the other slipping up under my sports bra top.

"Faith…"

She nuzzled into my neck and I felt her tongue and lips exploring all around.

"How's it you always taste so good, B?"

"I'm all sweaty."

"What I'm sayin'."

We went at it for a couple of minutes, then I pulled back…or tried to.

"No, where ya goin', baby?"

"I'm leaving before we give your next class an eyeful and make Giles mad at us."

"Fuck Giles, I need…"

I shoved at her this time:

"That has to be the biggest mood killer ever."

Faith wasn't deterred in the slightest:

"We'll just do a quickie."

"We can't."

"Supply closet's right there…"

"Is it unlocked? I mean, no…Faith, stop it."

"C'mon, B…"

She was an expert at revving me up, touching me just right, whispering low into my ear, but we could both hear voices and footsteps approaching.

“They’re already coming.”

“We can be too. Just gotta slip in before they get here…"

I didn't know if she meant into me or the supply closet, but I knew I had to get out of there. I pushed against her again, although I couldn't claim I was exactly using full Slayer strength. She laughed all sexy like Faith, and I found myself leaning into her as she guided us over to the sexiest closet ever.

"Mmm...that's my girl…"

The door to the classroom swung open and she let go of me an instant before the first of the students walked in. I didn't waste a second, and with a quick peek at the supply closet, I said a shaky goodbye and squeezed out past the girls heading inside. I didn't need a mirror to tell me that I was looking completely flustered, I just had to see the way Faith’s eyes were devouring me and yes, the smirk on her face.

I waved as I went through the door to the safety of the hall, her voice drifting after me:

“Thanks for the workout, Ms. Summers! Okay you guys, get in here. These vamp dolls ain’t gonna cut their own heads off.”

The girl was sex, sex on sex, the kind of sex on sex that is so sexy you'd almost have sex with her in a totally inappropriate place…like in the supply closet of the room in which she was just about to give fourteen impressionable young Slayers a Weapons lesson. And yes I ramble because she makes me rambley, even though they say a person shouldn’t have that kind of effect on her lover after all of this time.

They say the bloom has to go off the rose eventually, but that hasn't happened yet, not even close when it comes to us. I suspect “they” don’t have the first clue what they’re talking about, and Faith doesn’t put much stock in ‘bloom fading” either:

"You kidding? Not gonna, B, not ever. I wanna fuck you every single time I look at you."

I fully understood that desire, and although I would have said it in a much nicer way, the way Faith says it? Let's just say that it makes me want to fuck her fifty ways from every single day of the week, twice on Tuesdays. The girl is hot and the girl is mine, and that's the way it's going to stay forever…just hopefully not in front of her Weapons class.

She had to work, but I had the rest of the day off and I was determined to get some stuff done. I went home to shower first, only to find Dawnie there waiting for me. She wanted a ride downtown so she tagged along with me on my errands, which was fun, and we even managed to squeeze in lunch at our favorite diner before she went her way and I went mine.

My last stop was the grocery store and since I was feeling lucky, I decided to give it another go-around. I bought all of the necessary ingredients, as well the things I’d gone there for in the first place, and then I drove home with a big smile trying to remember if I'd ever been happier. It seemed pretty certain that the answer was “no” because there is just something about a life jam-packed with love, laughter, and the best sex ever invented that made me happy. Go figure.

We’d worked hard to deal with all of our issues, and they were now either way back in the past or we dealt with them openly and honestly whenever we needed to. Faith wasn't going to leave me, I knew that now without a doubt, and that sense of security let me focus on everything I loved about her…and there was absolutely no shortage of those things.

She's just so cute, like a little fluffy puppy…a description that Faith absolutely hates and refuses to accept:

"A puppy?! What the fuck kinda crazy ass thing is that to say?!"

"It's a compliment."

"No, it's the kinda crap that gets somebody killed on the playground by the other kids."

And how was that response not the cutest thing ever?

She’s also fun, attentive, smart, loving, and passionate beyond the believing without the experiencing. She makes me feel wanted every second of every day, and I don’t just mean sexually. Although there is definitely nothing better than sex with Faith Lehane, it's like Christmas with Santa…if Santa knew how to do the most amazing things to my body and also looked like a stunningly beautiful goddess.

She makes me laugh all the time and she has to be the best cuddler ever. She either holds me just right or she lets me hold her just right, practically purring every time we snuggle into each other.

"Go cuddle with anybody, then after I beat’em to a bloody pulp, ask. They'll tell you nothin’ else ya can do when the Slayer's got ahold of ya."

She turns me on so easily, and when she's working in the kitchen, dancing around to music only she hears…I can't even begin to count how many meals I've ruined because I had to have her right that very second. I watch her hips swaying and mine just naturally have to join them. That leads to other joinings and before either of us knows it, more than a little time has passed. Thankfully several takeout places deliver.

She rarely has nightmares anymore and when she does, we talk about them until they fade away in the night, leaving behind just her and me to feel the way we feel about each other. She'll finally smile and relax, then kiss me so softly I just want to die.

"I love you, B. So much I can't even explain it."

"I love you too."

"I know ya do. Best thing ever."

We’ll settle down and let sleep claim us again, both of us safe and happy and knowing that we're right where we belong. Faith is nothing but a dream come true.

When I finally made it home and pulled into the parking lot, Xander demonstrated again just what a charmed life I’m leading with his perfect timing.

"Hey, Buff! Need a hand?"

"I need at least two."

He flexed his biceps all manly as I opened the trunk:

"Wow, did you leave anything left for anyone else?"

"Nope, I enjoyed myself immensely."

“This I believe. Okay, gimme.”

I handed him my keys and he stuffed them into the pocket of his jeans, then began loading me up. Once I had everything balanced just right, he snagged the dry cleaning and my purse, then slammed the trunk closed.

"Follow me, you little pack horse, you."

I could barely see where I was going, but he expertly guided me along. Once we got to my place, he fished out my keys, unlocked the door and graciously let me go in first. He headed into the bedroom to hang up my clothes while I put everything down on the dining room table, but he was back as I started carrying the grocery bags into the kitchen.

“Here, let me help.”

He dug through the bags and quickly relieved me of the Oreos I’d bought just for him.

"Got it! Want one?"

My arms were full, but I paused for a bite. Xander, being a typical guy, shoved the entire cookie into my mouth and I had to concentrate to prevent myself from choking. He followed behind me, eating all the way, then beat me to the refrigerator so that he could drink the last of the milk he found on the top shelf. He guzzled it down, threw the empty carton into the trash can and turned to me, complete with a milk moustache.

“Okay. Bring’em, Buffster!”

He's a great helper when it comes to the putting away part, and I handed and tossed him the things that needed to go in the freezer or the fridge. He's much better at it than my better half, always making sure to get things on their proper shelves, unlike Faith who acts like there doesn't need to be any organization at all:

"Buffy, who gives a shit as long as we get it in? Hurry up!"

"I gives a…I give a shit. I like to be able to find things and…"

"Oh yeah, it's such a huge place there's no way to find the yogurt if it's on the third shelf 'stead of the second one."

Sometimes when she’s getting something out of the refrigerator and I come into the room, she goes into her act:

"B! Thank God you're here! I was lookin' for the bologna and I got lost. All I could see around me was some carrots and eggs, then this bottle of beer jumped me."

I try hard not to laugh, but I can't help it, which in turn just encourages her to do it the next time.

"Look out, Buffy! Jesus, the butter almost whipped your ass! Gotta watch yourself, that lettuce is playin' for keeps."

When we were finished, I made Xander some sandwiches and we chatted while he ate and I peeled and chopped. I finally threw him out with an invitation to come over for dinner on Saturday.

"Will Faith be cooking?"

"Yes, Faith will be cooking and I don't appreciate the insult."

"No insult, Buff. I just want to know what I'm in for.”

“And I still feel insulted, maybe even more so.”

He hugged me close:

“Come on now, who’s my all-time favorite Slayer?”

“It’d better be me or I’m going to be your final Slayer.”

He grinned his “Xander” grin that always makes me smile.

“Of course it’s you…unless Faith is there and you’re nowhere to be found.”

He kissed me on top of the head, took a peeled potato to go, and left me to get started.

“Good luck and knock her dead! Just not literally.”

I got everything ready by memory, no real feat since I’ve prepared this meal so many times before. I know each and every step by heart: the ingredients, the amounts, the temperature, the times, everything. At this point I could write up my own special recipe, although I’m fairly certain no one would want to follow it. Most times I don’t even want to myself.

I went about my housework business, cleaning and straightening, even vacuuming and dusting. In between I checked on the meal, adding this, glaring at that, and generally threatening everything that it had better cook like it was supposed to…or else. I washed and dried the new sheets I’d bought, and when I got them on the bed they looked perfect – sexy, inviting, and romantic. At least that part of the night was guaranteed to be a success.

The house was clean and tidy, so I took a quick shower and then returned to my post, ready to wage battle at crunch time. It wasn’t long before I heard the front door open and close.

"I'm home, B!"

"I'm in here!"

She walked over to me with a big smile and wrapped her arms around me from behind, pulling me back from the stove just the tiniest bit as she kissed me on the cheek. I hadn’t even realized I was so tense until I felt my muscles relaxing as I leaned back into her, my eyes closing with relief and pleasure. She held me there for a minute before edging me back into place, but she kept her arms right where they were and rested her head on my shoulder.

"Mmm…somethin’ smells great."

"Stop trying to make me feel better."

"I'm not. It smells delicious."

Even if she was telling the truth, we’d both learned the hard way that a delicious smell doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with a delicious taste.

"So, anything I can do?"

"Not really. How’d it go with the “A” group?"

She kissed my neck before she let go, snagging a few cherry tomatoes off one of the salads as she hopped up to sit on the counter facing me.

"'Bout like you'd expect. Most of'em did pretty good, but a few were wicked full of themselves."

"Any injuries?"

She motioned and I tossed her another tomato.

"Just to their pride, although this one kid was pushin' my buttons big time."

I opened the oven and looked in. Surprisingly the roast didn’t look like one of Giles' leather wingtips, which it usually did at this point in the proceedings, and I didn’t see any blood when I poked at it carefully. I was a little confused, but I moved some things around and stood back up trying to look casual and confident as I kept talking:

"Why does there always have to be one in every group?"

"Beats me, plus Giles keeps stickin' me with Satsu."

"Oops, that’s my bad. Problem?”

Faith jumped down, snatching another tomato on her way to getting a beer out of the refrigerator.

"Nah, not really, I guess. Just she was in a mood and when she gets like that, she does her best to piss me off."

"And yet the two of you sometimes go out together."

She offered me the first sip, then drained at least half of the bottle in one long chug.

"It's complicated, B."

"Well, whatever it is, I think we're ready to eat."

"Great, I'm starving!"

She took the salads and bread into the dining room while I did my thing, then got our drinks while I wrestled the roast onto a platter. By the time I carried it in, she was already sitting down and clearly ready to eat.

"Sure smells good."

"We'll find out, I guess."

I carved up the meat and gave her a huge amount of carrots and potatoes, heavy on the gravy.

"Looks really good too. This could be it, ya know?"

"I'm not holding my breath, but it does look a lot different than usual. You go first, and remember: you have to be honest."

She smiled and took a big mouthful, and I loved her for that. Even though experience had more than taught her by now that it was going to taste just awful, she always dug in with so much gusto, like she had every confidence that this was the time it was going to be even remotely edible. Somehow it took all of the sting out of my frequent failures and made me remember that it was the effort she appreciated the most.

Still, it’d be nice if I could just once make a decent pot roast…let alone replicate the best meal of her life. It was one of her very few happy childhood memories and I so wanted to give that to her again. And really: how hard was it to make a goddamn roast? Apparently when I was the cook, it was basically impossible.

Faith couldn't say anything at first, but after she swallowed, the expression on her face was one I’d never seen before when it came to my cooking.

"Holy crap, Buffy! You did it! This is fucking amazing!"

"Really?"

She didn't answer, she was already shoveling in more at a rapid fire pace. I took a tentative bite because Faith can eat anything and I still didn't completely trust that she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. But oh my god…she was telling the truth.

It actually tasted good, all juicy and flavorful, and everything was cooked just right. The vegetables weren’t hard or mushy, and the gravy was perfect and actually tasted like roast gravy…and the less said about that one time it tasted like chicken gravy, the better off everyone will be. The meat was tender, but not still alive, and it held together and yet was chewable when I forked a piece into my mouth.

I'd actually done it. I’d made Faith a tasty pot roast dinner.

"This is the best roast ever, way better than when I was a kid. Serious, B."

She was so happy and busy asking for thirds and fourths, I didn't even mind that she'd given me the tomato deprived salad.

All throughout the meal Faith reminisced about when she was little and about how much of a treat it was back then to have a dinner like this.

“Everybody was there, and nobody got in a fight the whole way through. It was me, both my parents, and my grandma. She was my dad’s mom, but she was always real good to me. That was the last time I saw her, I remember ‘cause she snuck me a ten and told me to keep it outta sight. Was a lotta money for a little kid, seemed like a million bucks, ya know?”

She was still eating, dipping her buttered bread into the gravy and smiling.

“Course like a dumbass, I fucked up. I was layin' on my bed looking at it, just imagining everything I was gonna buy. Ma spotted it and said I stole it from her. She took it away from me and gave me ten good hits, but it sure was fun while it lasted.”

That was what passed for a great day for Faith, and I did everything in my power to keep the smile on my face.

When the meal was over, she leaned back in her chair, her hand on her stomach and the top button of her pants unbuttoned. She looked like an ad for a well-fed diner, and I couldn't have been happier or more proud.

"Hands down, no shit, B – the best meal I've ever had. Ever. From now on when anybody asks, you get the props, no doubt about it."

"And you're not just…"

"Blowin' smoke up your skirt? You ate it, what'd ya think?"

"I thought it was really good."

"There ya go. I mean, when you ever been wrong about anything?"

That made me laugh and she stood up.

"And the best part's there's some left over for sandwiches later. You head to the couch and let me clean up. Oughta have a little space in our guts by the time I get finished, so I’ll bring us dessert."

She pulled out my chair and when I got up, she hugged me.

"Thanks, B. Means a lot to me you kept tryin' 'til you got it just right."

We kissed, and when it ended we were both smiling big.

"I'm glad you liked it."

"No 'liking' it, I fucking loved it. I love you too, Buffy."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, and if you're gonna start workin’ great cooking into the mix, I think maybe you're stuck with me forever."

She kissed my forehead, then shoved me towards the living room.

“Now go park it, Summers. Let me get this place back into shape."

It took about twenty minutes for her to finish, and she came walking in with two bowls full of ice cream and a bottle of water to share tucked under her arm. She handed me a bowl and sat down next to me, placing the bottle on the coffee table in front of us.

"All cleaned up."

"It didn't take you as long as I thought it would."

"Probably not as clean as ya think either."

"Is the dishwasher going?"

She spooned a large chunk into her mouth and grinned all Rocky Road at me.

"Faith…"

"It's goin'. Although, if it wasn't wired down, pretty sure the bitch would be hightailin' it right out the door."

I laughed and took my own large bite. We ate in silence for a while, then I gave in and handed Faith the rest of my ice cream while I sipped some water. She put my bowl inside her empty one and had it all gone in just a few bites. She placed the dishes on the table, took the water from me and drained the rest of it before tossing the bottle into the top bowl. She sat back with a satisfied sigh.

"C'mere."

I scooted over close to her and her arms went around me, pulling me onto her lap.

"Great day, yeah?"

"Yep, and a better night."

"What's that mean?"

I smiled as I snuggled in:

"Rona and Vi are taking the newbies out."

"Yeah? How'd that happen?"

"I told Rona she had to because I said so."

Faith looked at me proudly:

"Went all Head Slayer on her?"

"Well, you always say use it or lose it, so I used it. Besides, she owes me one."

“Cool, but the thing is…I was only workin’ tonight anyway ‘cause I owed her one.”

“Okay, but I had to work, so we’ll say she’s doing it for me.”

I almost expected Faith to ask me who was on first, but instead she stayed with me:

“Then who’s coverin' my cover shift?”

“Vi, and I don’t care who she owes or who owes her. I just know we don’t have to work tonight, and that’s final.”

Faith grinned and smacked me on the butt:

“Damn, now you’re goin’ all Head Slayer on me. So what’s the big plan?”

"Absolutely nothing. Just us doing whatever we want to, whenever we want to."

She lifted me into her arms as she stood:

"We wanna go to bed."

We kissed and she carried me into the bedroom, laying me down on the new sheets as she just stood there looking.

"Jesus, B…You’re so damn beautiful it's like I made you up."

I still blush when she talks to me like that, and it always makes her laugh.

"And now you're all red."

She took off her clothes, then bent down and took mine off so slowly I thought I was going to have to kill her. Instead I settled for eventually getting her pushed down flat on her back with me on top.

"So what do you think we should do now, F?"

"Well, you probably oughta read that book you been dyin’ to read. I’ll just play with myse…”

“I like it better when you play with me.”

And that’s exactly what we did, and we did it very well.

She’s sleeping now and she’s in my arms, happy and safe. I keep thinking back to the old days, how I was so attracted to her I didn’t even know what hit me. Technically I still don’t know, and that thought makes me laugh right out loud. She moves a little at the sound, mumbling something about me, at least I think I heard my name. Maybe she was quoting Shakespeare or thinking about honey, but I can choose my “Bs” if I want to, and I want to.

I wonder if when she wakes up she’ll want to go for a walk. I can probably entice her if I tell her we’ll go slaying too, but I don’t really want to slay. I just want to hold her hand and stare at how beautiful she is with the moonlight shining down on her. I want to lean my head on her shoulder as her arm wraps around me and pulls me close. I want to just sit quietly with her and watch the lake waves splash into the shore.

I kiss the top of her head because I can. I love my life, it’s so much better than anything I ever used to imagine. I wanted a normal life so much, even though I knew it was impossible, and there was certainly nothing about Faith back then that ever made me think she would be the one to give it to me. Not that it stopped me from fantasizing about what I knew she could give me. Even young, naïve Buffy understood that much.

Well, surprise because my life is nothing but normal now, at least for a Slayer. I have everything I ever wanted and more, although the issue of kids is now starting to make itself known. I’m not a hundred percent convinced we should go that route, I mean as good as things are, it’s still a dangerous world Faith and I live in. Our children would be a target for evil and how could we ever keep them safe?

I know we’d adopt at least one. Faith always talks about how she used to dream that some nice people would sweep in and rescue her. I know she’d love to do that for some other little kid, and so would I.

Willow assures me that she could somehow do a spell that would allow Faith and I to have our own child, and that is an insanely tempting option. I would so love another dark haired, cocky little girl to call mine. Sometimes I daydream about watching them, their heads close together as Faith sets up a Hot Wheels track, just as excited as her daughter to watch the little metal cars whizzing around the orange plastic.

I see her pushing a confident, brown eyed little boy on the swings, laughing as the leaves fall all around them and he keeps yelling:

“Higher, Mama, higher!”

Maybe that’s in the cards for us, maybe it’s not. I guess that’s one of life’s mysteries that will unfold as we go along. I do know she likes the idea, even though it scares her too.

“Me? Somebody’s mom? Christ B, are you fucking nuts or what?”

But I saw the light in her eyes, the happiness that flared up before she could get it hidden, and I was there two days later when seemingly out of nowhere after making love, she asked me:

“You really think I could, B?”

“I think you’d be wonderful.”

“Yeah?”

“A million times ‘yeah’.”

“…Still think you’re nuts, but thanks.”

We have time, we’ll see what happens.

“Okay B, what’s got the gears grinding?”

“You’re conscious again!”

“Yeah, most of us just call it ‘waking up’.”

“True, but since I sexed you out cold, I think another word is required.”

She wasn’t going to take that lying down and her head lifted:

“I fell asleep, Buffy.”

“After I made you come about a thousand times.”

“Three.”

“At least four, F.”

“Whatever, it's a long ways from a thousand.”

Oops, and that’s a major tactical error by Lehane. Time for Summers to sweep in for the kill.

“Oh I see, now four isn’t good enough. I’m not good enough.”

First there was confusion, then the panic set in.

“What? No, where’d you get that idea? I just said I wasn’t knocked out. I mean, I was knocked out 'cause you got wicked skills, but I wasn’t legally knocked...You’re fuckin’ with me, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am, Sleepyhead.”

“That’s not funny, B.”

“Yes it is. That terrified expression on your face is always funny.”

“You are such a little shit.”

I smiled at her as sweetly as I could:

“Hi, my name is Buffy Summers and I am a little shit.”

“Yeah? Well you need like a fifty step program.”

I pulled her over on top of me and shifted my hips, making us both enjoy our new position.

“Step One – Make sure the chain of command is lined up correctly.”

She grabbed me by my wrists and slammed my hands down onto the mattress:

“Step Two – Pin your bitch down and teach her who’s boss.”

I smiled, not my nice one, and wrapped my legs tightly around her ass as I moved from side to side. Her eyes shut and she groaned at the feeling before getting control of herself. I laughed and rose up slightly to nip her ear:

“Step Three – Stay in charge, even though your delusional lover thinks she is.”

She kissed me long and hard, doing a whole bunch of things I liked before sliding down to taste my right breast. Her teeth grabbed onto my nipple as her wet tongue and lips did all kinds of…other things. That went on for quite a while until she let go and her mouth trailed its way slowly down to just below my bellybutton. With a final lingering kiss, she looked up, her most wicked smile on display:

“Step Four – Kiss the living fuck outta your girl who only wishes she was the boss.”

“F?”

“B?”

“Keep right on going.”

And she did, making a lakeside walk a distant dream for another night.

She’s sleeping again and this time she’s holding me. I sigh, perfectly content, the poster girl for contentment as I think about just how lucky I am that she loves me. My eyes catch some movement, but it’s just the shadows bouncing around from my favorite tree. The limbs grew back a long time ago, so fast it was like magic or maybe they just weren’t trimmed as much as I thought they were.

I love to sit on the window seat with her. She’ll stretch out, her back to the wall, and I’ll fit myself between her legs and lean against her. She always wraps her arms around me and kisses me when she feels my hands caressing her. I leave them on top of her arms, loving the feel of her smooth, warm skin underneath my fingertips as we sit and watch the branches swaying back and forth.

But now, here in bed, I close my eyes and snuggle in to the sound of the most perfect heartbeat to ever beat muffled in my ear. There’s the soothing rhythm of her breathing in and out blowing softly against my hair, and the comforting feeling of the strongest arm holding me right where I am. Safe and loved, understood and happy – Faith Lehane does it all.

And I do it all too because I’m her girl. Every step of the way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’re the One by Tracy Chapman

Some say you’re crazy

Say that you’re no good

Say your family’s cursed with bad blood

But I think you’re cute and misunderstood

I wouldn’t change you if I could

Let’em talk you down

And call you names

My mind’s made up

It ain’t gonna change

Sure in my heart

Happy and free

You’re the one, you’re the one

You’re the one for me

Some say you’re bitter

Think you’re mean

Uncouth, untamed, and unrestrained

But I think you’re sensitive and sweet

Stay as you are don’t change a thing

Let’em talk you down

And call you names

My mind’s made up

It ain’t gonna change

Sure in my heart

Happy and free

You’re the one, you’re the one

You’re the one for me

Some say you’re bawdy

Wicked and wild

A restless useless juvenile

But I think you’re funny and I like your smile

Wanna be with you, want you to stay awhile

Let’em talk you down

Call you names

My mind’s made up

It ain’t gonna change

Sure in my heart

Happy and free

You’re the one, you’re the one

You’re the one for me

A no ‘count mixed up

Amount to nothing

A day away from a bum on the street

Some low class kind of royalty

That’s what they say about you

When they’re talking to me

Some say you’re bad

A bad, bad seed

You love to play with fire, you love gambling

But I know what you love and I know what you need

And I like it when you play with me

Let’em talk you down

And call you names

My mind’s made up

It ain’t gonna change

Sure in my heart

Happy and free

You’re the one, you’re the one

You’re the one for me

Sure in my heart

Happy and free

You’re the one, you’re the one

You’re the one for me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The End